All on the table
by, 12-15-2011 at 02:15 AM (166 Views)
Alright so i have know idea wtf a blog is but i see people just bloging random things so i guess that's what i'm going to do as well lol.
Anyways i don't have anyone to really tell this to, i have problems when it comes to trusting people, so i'm going to just "blog" about it.
I have held a lot of things on the inside for awhile and i just thought i should lay it all on the table hence the title. I'm am just freewriting so i apologize if i jump around a bit.
Alrighty here we goo *takes a deep breath* In life i believe there are seasons of good and bad. Right now i'm in a slump. I don't know what's going on with me as far as how i'm feeling or where my head is at. I have a main goal that i have set out for myself and i know that is what i'm concentrated on but i have a few obstacles that are slowing me down. I have to wait for them to clear before i can go full steam ahead and go after what i want.
In regards to my main goal it requires a great deal of confidence. I am a confident person to an extent, let me explain. When i say i am a confident person i mean i am confident in who i am. I love myself very much and idgaf if anyone has a problem with me that's their problem not mine. I have a great sense of humor and i get along with people fairly easy. When it comes to women i feel like once i have her number and we start talking i got her in the bag lol sounds cocky i know but that's just how i feel.
Now here is where the extent part comes in. This is going to get really crazy lol. I have a problem approaching women. I am working on it right now trying to become more sociable and just start random convos with people men and women. I also try to give compliments to random people. Anyways my problem with approaching women is this i don't know what stops me from going up to them and starting a conversation it's so simple to say hi and keep the ball rolling from there. I don't know i think it's the fact that as i go up to her the fact that i don't know her and she knows why i am approaching her is akward and i may choke in the process. Also what kills me is that when i find women looking at me i'll just smile and they'll smile and i won't say anything. Like for instance i was at the gym and i seen this chic on the tredmill i found her to be very attractive and i was going to try to get to know her and get her number. She was on the second to last tredmill and there had to have been atleast 3 or more treadmills empty to her right and one to her left. I decided i'll go to the one to the left of her, which was the last one on that row, which would make it pretty obivious on why i chose that one. As i am going to get on she was finishing up on the tredmill. As she is picking up her phone and stuff she looks to her left. The only thing that was to her left was me. She looked that way for about two or three seconds then gets off and goes on her way. I felt such like a panzy because all i did was smile and not say anything. I mean to me that is a clear cut signal that she wanted me to say something. All i know is this i have to get past this point and start having conversations with women i would like to meet i know once i get past that point it won't be akward because i'm good at meeting new people and also i am an interesting and random person lol. Yeaaaahhhh i just read that and that was pretttty crazy ha
Another problem i have is doubting my abilities to do certain tasks or i guess not having the confidence to do certain things the way i would like to. Sometimes i am afraid that if i mess up that i might not get a second chance so i end up backing off and not giving it my all. I can see myself doing great things if i just stopped doubting myself and being scared of what others might think or say. I mean you do learn from mistakes right. What really sucks is at times i stop caring about what others will think and i am doing great in whatever it may be that i am doing and then at some point i mess. I find myself isolating myself completely away from what i was doing. Which is not going to help me accomplish or get to where i want.
I just thought about this one to. I tend not to speak up as much as i should when it comes to specific things and i let people walk over me sometimes or talk for me. I am grown enough to speak for myself damnit and i should say if i agree with something or not and if i have a problem with something. Fuck that shit gets fucking annoying i feel like a little kid when that happens. It is mainly with my friends that it happens with. I don't feel like a complete man either because of this confidence thing and not speaking up like i should. I'm tired of people walking over me but at the same time i feel like it is not me to sound like an asshole but i don't don't want to say it like a bitch either or look like one for not saying nothing at all.
Random: I am a person who is always thinking it kills me how much i ponder on things and the possiblities that could happen in certain situations. I feel like i can't full enjoy myself because of how much i think. I wish i can turn my brain off sometimes and make it stop thinking lol.
As i'm writing this i'm scared to do it lol i've have never mentioned this to anyone so just putting it out there is scary as fuck. I've been and i am feeling lonely and i have always wanted to find someone who can make me not feel that way. There are seasons where i can go without needing anybody and i'll be fine. I may think about it but it won't be nothing serious as it kind of is now or how it was in the past. A few years ago i got so lonely and depressed on the fact that i didn't had never had a girlfriend to the point i thought it must have been because i was gay. It lasted for about 8 or 9 months i thought about killing myself a numerous of times. If i had a happy moment it didn't last a minute i found myself laughing and the next thing i know i'm back depressed because of the thought of me thinking i'm gay. OHH AND BY NO MEANS DO I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST ANYBODY THAT IS GAY. People are people regardless of there color, lifestyle, economic status, etc. it doesn't matter. Anyways though there was a voice in my head that would make a comment everytime a guy would pass by it would say something like "he's cute huh" or i don't know just a remark. I have a great imagination so another thing that would happen is an image would pop up in my head with me and another guy about to have sex. Now when that would happen i would clinch my ass tight lol because that is something i wish to never happen. I don't want anything going up my butt thank you very much lol. Also I found myself trying to convince myself that every girl that i would see is cute and i that i like that. Eventually i broke down one day and cried about it. I started going to church and praying. I don't know how it happened but i realized that trying to force myself to like girls is only backfiring and in turn would turn me gay. Also another thing is that turing gay something that anybody can do if they choose to do it.
From time to time i do get that voice in my head when i am lonely that says "it's because your gay" but i really don't believe i am gay because i love everything about a women i mean everything their hair, there beautiful eyes, how much time they spend just so they can look good for us, how macho they don't act well most of them lol, their beautiful bodies, how they let you know their feelings, sex, how wet pussy gets, and the differences between men and women and also awhole bunch of other things. I can by no means what so ever see myself doing anything sexual with another man. Yeah i know imagined it but i don't and can't see myself ever going through with it in reality. Also i do believe in religion and in mine it is not ok to be gay so therefore i don't believe that anyone is really gay. If that offends anyone i apologize i don't mean to but that's just what i believe in. I don't know maybe i'm not comfortable in my sexuality as a man enough. I really just wish that voice in my head would go away completely because it really really really fucks with me when i hear it.
I am in a lonely season right now and i wish i had a girlfriend right at this moment. I am by no means thirsty and open to just any girl to go out with i do have standards and things that i look for in a woman.
My first blog or should i say vent lol
If anyone read that whole thing kudos seriously!