[JonPop]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

[Dongster]

A guy is walking down a beach when he discovers a lamp; he picks it up and rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie says to him "Your wish is my command." The guy thinks and then he says "I wish my dick could touch the ground!"
The genie chops his legs off.

[imaman]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'


'No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[JonPop]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one." The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[JonPop]

"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed
at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell
to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her
composure . "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.


Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied. Things went downhill from there.

[JonPop]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely!

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.

[imaman]

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[imaman]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in..'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[JonPop]

That was pretty funny imaman.

[JonPop]

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR ....
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE
PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY STILL TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF ASSTEROIDS'?
26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM