[JonPop]

Got Bandaids?

[JonPop]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor
says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid
Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more
money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait
two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."

[JonPop]

All of his life George, a blond male from Newfoundland had heard stories of a family tradition. It seems that his father and grandfather had been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink:


So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's big blue eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.

[JonPop]

How to treat a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile
at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage
her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with
her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to
her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her...
.
.
.
.
.
.
How to treat a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

[JonPop]

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.


It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.


He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful! Why did you stop?"


"I found the remote," he mumbled.

[JonPop]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer
and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have
sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office
friends all about it. ''We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put
it away. I really enjoyed the evening.''
''But what about afterward?'' asked her friends.
''Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..''

[JonPop]

Best Two liner of the week.

Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced."

[JonPop]

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and
it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a
good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought
for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should
be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[JonPop]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on..

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the
bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can 't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
News and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'


Bob took the money

[JonPop]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you..'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green
head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around
himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'