[MrBigDick]

Originally Posted by W.M.P.

You sure know, Sensei. Thank you.

I thought I'd take a moment to tell you all what a brother W.M.P. is. This guy has helped me in more ways than I can possibly ever imagine. If it weren't for him, his words of encouragement, enthusiasm and wisdom, I wouldn't be where I am right now. He took me under his wing last summer, 2008 and due to our similar backgrounds with women and dating, he helped give me the added push I needed to FINALLY get back up on that horse and ride again.

W.M.P. and I have talked in great length as well about alot of this and I have NOTHING but the utmost of respect for my brother.

YOU DA MAN W.M.P.!!!!!!



Oh, and btw, no, I wouldn't cheat...........I get pussy daily and respect my hot, attractive, lovely, sentuous, hard working gf.

[Lazy 8]

Great post, WMP. Thanks for laying it all out in such a thoughtful way. Good luck with the future of your relationship.

[Radiohead]

I have cheated on my first ever girlfriend with my second girlfriend. I am no longer with the second girlfriend.

Very insightful post, WMP. Thanks for sharing. You have it spot on.

[cgoodness]

i'm sorry, but i dont feel the same as everyone else about wmp. i am glad you learned what you did and was able to get the strength to fight for your needs, but you selfishly broke your vows. i never see an excuse for that. i have been tempted, but did the right thing. my wife got caught and we've been pulling our lives together for the past 6 months over it. its all her fault and issues that led her to it. if anything is missing, it should be demanded and clearly! i dont care how anyone feels about their relationship at any given time. cheating is cheating, no matter how its justified. unless its forced by rape, there can never be a justified excuse, only reasons the wayward person uses to justify their mistakes.

[JonPop]

Thank you so much for the lecture on morals. Maybe sometimes, you have to walk in anothers shoes.

[W.M.P.]

Originally Posted by cgoodness

... but you selfishly broke your vows. .

Vows? What "vows"? Me and the lady in question have only been dating; we don't live together or have any kind of serious commitment or moral contract of any kind like you and your wife have had all along while dealing with the problems you've faced. My feeling conflicted while hooking up with a woman other than my girlfriend had all to do with my being mortified about having to look for affection somewhere other than in my girl's arms and had nothing to do with me breaking any vows that were never there to begin with. I did face her with my gripes and told her to move on with her life if she couldn't be a girlfriend; she did leave and came back 3 weeks later wanting to make it work. So far so good but if she gets back to her old ways, I will not hesitate in telling her to get on up and out of my life. I will NEVER make any kind of serious commitment or vows until I have truly been convinced that I have found the woman who will deliver the very basic elements I want in a relationship. Perhaps in your neck of the woods the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing has a lot of weight in terms of morals and principles, but here in New York life moves too fast and if you don't keep up and deliver the goods, someone else will swiftly snatch away what you left unattended like a lone purse on 42nd Street. My girl is drop-dead gorgeous (as in Victoria's Secret gorgeous), smart, driven, independent, self-reliant and all that........the kind of girl which are dime-a-dozen here in NY, so if a guy like me is taken for granted there's surely gonna be PLENTY of overqualified applicants circling like sharks, waiting to have a piece.

I'm sorry that you've had difficulties in your marriage and I truly wish you the best of luck with that. However, in terms of me and my girl, no vows were broken cause there were none to begin with.

I would really like to see this thread get more input and views from everyone else cause this is an ages old subject that has afflicted the minds of humanity for as long as society has been around.

[cgoodness]

sorry if it seemed harsh. i was just giving my opinion on the subject. like i said, i too was tempted, but returned home. maybe my upbringing gives me that? i didnt mean any sort of personal attack. i think what got under my skin was the praise everyone is giving. i do praise him for what he learned, and may still learn from this, but i still think are better ways to develope. i also on a personal note would like to ask one question. since you feel justified in what you did because of the self growth it led to, i'm thinking you feel ok to a certain degree of what you did. have you told her of it and gave her the choice to accept it? in my case i caught it and had to make my choice with somebody that was willing to cheat and lie about it the rest of our lives. i wasnt going to get my choice and its made healing so much harder. im sure theres more things i don't know about too. these all make recovery and trust so much harder. just my side of it, you are never really committed to sharing you life with someone unless everthing is on the table both good and bad. i too am still growing and opening my eyes from my wifes actions. it has led us to opening up to so much more than we ever thought of.best wishes to both or relationships. if anything i'm writing gets too close to a personal attack, mods please delete or edit. i dont judge based on a mistake, but i do have strong opinions on choices that can be so damaging.

[baybabe]

Originally Posted by W.M.P.

I would really like to see this thread get more input and views from everyone else cause this is an ages old subject that has afflicted the minds of humanity for as long as society has been around.

WMP I didnt go back and read all the threads sorry if I re-ask things...
Was the problem with the lady sex? Wasnt she not giving it up enough? Other than that what are the problems?
I think in most cases people give there "significant other" warnings. For example, I feel like my boyfriend of about 10 months doesn't make time for me. The time issue also quickly becomes a sex issue, if I am not seeing him weekly then I'm not getting sex weekly either! Doesn't he worry about me wanting to get it somewhere else? I do have a social life (he usually has other arrangements) as well as lots of men to choose from if I wanted to, If I wasnt the type who honors my commitments I could very easily make a phone call and have a selection of men to take me out, or just get some sex from. But I dont.
The underlining point is that in most instances we/they are warned before cheated on. I have brought up the relationship issues we have about 3 times in the last 5 months, each time he works hard to be a good boyfriend for a bit then goes right back to "see ya when I see ya". I wont cheat on him, I'll break up with him before I go out with another guy but you would think he would be a little concerned about leaving me alone all the time.
I know he isnt cheating on me because there is no reason to string me along, he chooses to be with me so he could easily choose not to.

I feel like I'm in an age bracket of single men that still love there ex's. I think I'll start a poll.

[W.M.P.]

Originally Posted by cgoodness

sorry if it seemed harsh. i was just giving my opinion on the subject. like i said, i too was tempted, but returned home. maybe my upbringing gives me that? i didnt mean any sort of personal attack. i think what got under my skin was the praise everyone is giving. i do praise him for what he learned, and may still learn from this, but i still think are better ways to develope. i also on a personal note would like to ask one question. since you feel justified in what you did because of the self growth it led to, i'm thinking you feel ok to a certain degree of what you did. have you told her of it and gave her the choice to accept it? in my case i caught it and had to make my choice with somebody that was willing to cheat and lie about it the rest of our lives. i wasnt going to get my choice and its made healing so much harder. im sure theres more things i don't know about too. these all make recovery and trust so much harder. just my side of it, you are never really committed to sharing you life with someone unless everthing is on the table both good and bad. i too am still growing and opening my eyes from my wifes actions. it has led us to opening up to so much more than we ever thought of.best wishes to both or relationships. if anything i'm writing gets too close to a personal attack, mods please delete or edit. i dont judge based on a mistake, but i do have strong opinions on choices that can be so damaging.

No worries, as I did not take it as a harsh comment or personal attack. We all have our views and that's why I think this thread has the potential of being a very enriching discussion. In terms of me telling her, I have as much obligation as telling her about my escapade as she is obliged to tell me about anything she might have done that I don't no about.....and that obligation is ZERO cause we're not married and not even close to having a deeply involved, strongly committed relationship as in shacking up, being engaged, etc. I literally snatched her away from the grip of a very toxic, mentally abusive relationship she had been in for almost 3yrs, so when she finally broke it off with him, she made it very clear that she did not want any titles or anything and just wanted to let things develop and evolve organically as she was allowed some space and freedom after almost 3yrs of hell with her ex. I personally encouraged her to have all the space she might need and to not worry about it. Like I stated in my 1st post, there's not such a thing as a blue-print or manual on how to love somebody.

You are married and that's a whole different story. Once you're married, I think the rules completely change and there's a whole new lens through which one must appreciate the situation. When all you're doing is loosely dating someone, it's a whole different thing.

To be honest with you, if it had been that she was the one hooking up with someone else on the side, I wouldn't be as upset about her giving it up to someone else as I would be about her expecting me to be the all-around good, supportive, understanding, patient boyfriend while depriving me of physical intimacy and giving it to someone else instead. THAT would seriously piss me beyond belief; me doing all the ground-work so that some other asshole can step in to do the fun stuff. If she wanted to have fun on the side while also taking care of my needs, I would be fine with it; it would simply open up the relationship to where we can both be free to see other people while still being each other's main squeeze. Of course that would pretty much kill the chances of me looking at her as a candidate for something more serious in the future (as in shacking-up, marriage...) but I would still be there for her as the friend and lover I have been to her all this time.

[W.M.P.]

Originally Posted by baybabe

Was the problem with the lady sex?
Pretty much.

Wasnt she not giving it up enough?
"Not enough" is an overstatement; it was normal to go for a whole month without any.

Other than that what are the problems?

Just intimacy in general. It had all but pretty much disappeared as she had slowly-but-surely retreated to her cave (home) and would spend way too much time wallowing in self pity as she dealt with a job she hated and the pressure from school. Our relationship ended up becoming more like me feeling like her own "Crisis Hotline", where she would call my phone to vent about her frustrations and that's it. She was in a distant, foul mood most of the time and I tried to be as patient and supportive as I could be. However, there comes a point where you must ask yourself "What the hell am I doing here wasting all my positive energy and time when there's plenty of other potential partners out there who are looking to find someone and share in positivity instead of being a 24/ stinker?". I already told her after we got back together: "Intimacy is of utmost importance for me when it comes to a relationship and I will not settle for a future devoid of it like one too many miserable people out there have done. You're a great friend and an amazing lover and I would love for you to be the one that I end up waking up next to for the long run, but it's gotta be done right or it's just not gonna work."