[Nikki]

Originally Posted by W.M.P.

Just intimacy in general. It had all but pretty much disappeared as she had slowly-but-surely retreated to her cave (home) and would spend way too much time wallowing in self pity as she dealt with a job she hated and the pressure from school. Our relationship ended up becoming more like me feeling like her own "Crisis Hotline", where she would call my phone to vent about her frustrations and that's it. She was in a distant, foul mood most of the time and I tried to be as patient and supportive as I could be. However, there comes a point where you must ask yourself "What the hell am I doing here wasting all my positive energy and time when there's plenty of other potential partners out there who are looking to find someone and share in positivity instead of being a 24/ stinker?". I already told her after we got back together: "Intimacy is of utmost importance for me when it comes to a relationship and I will not settle for a future devoid of it like one too many miserable people out there have done. You're a great friend and an amazing lover and I would love for you to be the one that I end up waking up next to for the long run, but it's gotta be done right or it's just not gonna work."

I think honesty and very open communications are extremely important in any relationship. You expressed your desire for a potential partner to understand that although sex was not your primary objective in a relationship, it was important. Either she agrees and you guys date or she disagrees and you either move on or you two just remain friends.

I think, unfortunately, this woman is so stressed out with everything in her life that she is not ready for the same type of relationship that you are. Maybe in the future she will want the same thing you do, but right now it seems like it will be very difficult.

[growing4her]

Wow. Nikki that was just amazing.I bet your husband is always 3 steps behind.

[Nikki]

Originally Posted by growing4her

Wow. Nikki that was just amazing.I bet your husband is always 3 steps behind.

Yep, he is always 3 steps behind. Maybe I should get a dog leash!

[growing4her]

Lucky lucky guy . But stick to the mind control , the leash will be a little much.

[baybabe]

Originally Posted by W.M.P.

Just intimacy in general. It had all but pretty much disappeared as she had slowly-but-surely retreated to her cave (home) and would spend way too much time wallowing in self pity as she dealt with a job she hated and the pressure from school. Our relationship ended up becoming more like me feeling like her own "Crisis Hotline", where she would call my phone to vent about her frustrations and that's it. She was in a distant, foul mood most of the time and I tried to be as patient and supportive as I could be. However, there comes a point where you must ask yourself "What the hell am I doing here wasting all my positive energy and time when there's plenty of other potential partners out there who are looking to find someone and share in positivity instead of being a 24/ stinker?". I already told her after we got back together: "Intimacy is of utmost importance for me when it comes to a relationship and I will not settle for a future devoid of it like one too many miserable people out there have done. You're a great friend and an amazing lover and I would love for you to be the one that I end up waking up next to for the long run, but it's gotta be done right or it's just not gonna work."

"Crisis Hotline" I liked that lol. Whats the deal with the dating world? it has way too many rules and regulations! And why is it that when we get into a comfort zone with someone, we keep wanting to work it out. Is that the nature of humans? Just thinking... you are back together with this girl that seems to me may have a low libido which will just worsen with age, She is irritable most of the time, and she doesnt treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why?
Thats the same question I am asking myself... what do I expect out of this relationship, whats the norm for relationships after divorce, is he capable of providing me with all the things I need to be happy with him, and am I putting 98% into the relationship while he's putting in 2%?

[cgoodness]

Originally Posted by W.M.P.

No worries, as I did not take it as a harsh comment or personal attack. We all have our views and that's why I think this thread has the potential of being a very enriching discussion. In terms of me telling her, I have as much obligation as telling her about my escapade as she is obliged to tell me about anything she might have done that I don't no about.....and that obligation is ZERO cause we're not married and not even close to having a deeply involved, strongly committed relationship as in shacking up, being engaged, etc. I literally snatched her away from the grip of a very toxic, mentally abusive relationship she had been in for almost 3yrs, so when she finally broke it off with him, she made it very clear that she did not want any titles or anything and just wanted to let things develop and evolve organically as she was allowed some space and freedom after almost 3yrs of hell with her ex. I personally encouraged her to have all the space she might need and to not worry about it. Like I stated in my 1st post, there's not such a thing as a blue-print or manual on how to love somebody.

You are married and that's a whole different story. Once you're married, I think the rules completely change and there's a whole new lens through which one must appreciate the situation. When all you're doing is loosely dating someone, it's a whole different thing.

To be honest with you, if it had been that she was the one hooking up with someone else on the side, I wouldn't be as upset about her giving it up to someone else as I would be about her expecting me to be the all-around good, supportive, understanding, patient boyfriend while depriving me of physical intimacy and giving it to someone else instead. THAT would seriously piss me beyond belief; me doing all the ground-work so that some other asshole can step in to do the fun stuff. If she wanted to have fun on the side while also taking care of my needs, I would be fine with it; it would simply open up the relationship to where we can both be free to see other people while still being each other's main squeeze. Of course that would pretty much kill the chances of me looking at her as a candidate for something more serious in the future (as in shacking-up, marriage...) but I would still be there for her as the friend and lover I have been to her all this time.

i assumed you were married, my fault. in that case, i stand about the same as you on this subject. no promises in the relationship. welp, you know what they say about ass-uming and i showed it.

[MrBigDick]

Originally Posted by baybabe

"Crisis Hotline" I liked that lol. Whats the deal with the dating world? it has way too many rules and regulations! And why is it that when we get into a comfort zone with someone, we keep wanting to work it out. Is that the nature of humans? Just thinking... you are back together with this girl that seems to me may have a low libido which will just worsen with age, She is irritable most of the time, and she doesnt treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why?
Thats the same question I am asking myself... what do I expect out of this relationship, whats the norm for relationships after divorce, is he capable of providing me with all the things I need to be happy with him, and am I putting 98% into the relationship while he's putting in 2%?

Dating in general sucks. I hate it. I don't consider Renee and I dating, I simply consider us "together". Now, my situation is a tad different in that she and I, while we are not married, have taken a vow of exclusivity with one another. I'm not sharing what I've got with her with any other man and she me. Then again, our sex life couldn't be better. We do it I think damn near 7 days a week it seems. And if I found someone else out there that I wanted to be with more, I would have the decensy to tell her upfront BEFORE I cheated on her. But, this is how I operate.

My girl, like W.M.P.'s, has a job she has grown to hate and I'll be the first to admit that I also feel like a "crisis hotline" where one day she's ok and the next, she'll text me 20 times in a day venting her hatred for her job and the people she works with. Fortunately, she is doing something about it as in looking for another job but it may take her awhile as we all know the economy sucks, especially out here in CA.

In any event, you really never know what someone is going through until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I always revert back to that old biblical saying "judge not lest ye be judged".

[remek]

Originally Posted by baybabe

Thats the same question I am asking myself... what do I expect out of this relationship, whats the norm for relationships after divorce, is he capable of providing me with all the things I need to be happy with him, and am I putting 98% into the relationship while he's putting in 2%?

I have a theory that you can judge the health of a relationship by a simple imaginary scale. If one partner is putting in 98 percent and the other is putting in 2 percent, the relationship, I believe, is doomed. The 98 percent person is putting in all of the heart, while the other person apparently doesn't care at all.

Most relationships are closer to the middle: Say 70/30, 65/35, or 60/40. The ideal is "50/50," where both partners are on the same level of love, commitment, and care for one another. That said, based on my observations (which isn't much, mind you), the magical 50/50 isn't as common as it should be.

You often see a 60/40 or 65/35, which doesn't sound all that bad, but in the end it truly is. What you have is one person who "cares" or "loves" the other person genuinely 50 percent more than the other person. They are holding up the relationship on their shoulders, and sooner or later it gets too heavy. They rely on the other person's approval and love too much, and in turn they often become unhappy themselves.

What's all this mean? The hell if I know. It could all just be in my head. . . But I do know that whenever I've found myself in a relationship that wasn't as close to 50/50 as possible, I knew something had to change or it wasn't going to work. As WMP pointed out in a round about way, happiness is vital to a succesful life.

[MrBigDick]

Great post Remek. I would have to agree with that sentiment. My previous marriage was probably 80/20. My current situation with my gf is closer to 50/50. Some days that might deviate a bit and be a 60/40 or a 55/45 situation but we're pretty close. For instance, my gf recently got the flu. Was laid up for an entire Saturday. So, being the caring, loving boyfriend that I am, I took her flowers and got her some soup, warmed it up and served her lunch in bed and took care of all her needs for the day as well as took care of getting her son to his guitar lesson and taking care of my own two kids. I did this because I do love her and because she has done so much for me in the past. She and I truly have a give and take, 50/50 partnership. Having someone in your life that fits that bill is one of the BEST feelings in the world!

[Nikki]

Originally Posted by remek

I have a theory that you can judge the health of a relationship by a simple imaginary scale. If one partner is putting in 98 percent and the other is putting in 2 percent, the relationship, I believe, is doomed. The 98 percent person is putting in all of the heart, while the other person apparently doesn't care at all.

Most relationships are closer to the middle: Say 70/30, 65/35, or 60/40. The ideal is "50/50," where both partners are on the same level of love, commitment, and care for one another. That said, based on my observations (which isn't much, mind you), the magical 50/50 isn't as common as it should be.

You often see a 60/40 or 65/35, which doesn't sound all that bad, but in the end it truly is. What you have is one person who "cares" or "loves" the other person genuinely 50 percent more than the other person. They are holding up the relationship on their shoulders, and sooner or later it gets too heavy. They rely on the other person's approval and love too much, and in turn they often become unhappy themselves.

What's all this mean? The hell if I know. It could all just be in my head. . . But I do know that whenever I've found myself in a relationship that wasn't as close to 50/50 as possible, I knew something had to change or it wasn't going to work. As WMP pointed out in a round about way, happiness is vital to a succesful life.

Unfortunately, there are some really good men and women and some not so good men and women. It would be great if the "good" people could be together and the "not so good" people could be together. But, as we all know, it just doesn't work that way.

The best thing I can advise is to take your time and really get to know the person you are interested in before making a commitment to them, whether it is exclusively dating, living together or getting married. The longer you know someone, the better chance you have of really knowing what their character is, how they deal with stress, how much or how little sex there will be, household chores, etc.

As the "novelty" of dating that person wears off, you have a much better chance of seeing the "real" person. If you see them do/say/act in ways that you don't approve, then it is time to do some serious evaluation Do you really want to be with this person? If you can overlook their faults/quirks/bad habits, then fine. If not, don't think you will be able to change them because it is very rare that happens. It is probably time to move on.