I think this poem really sums up how I feel right now. It's entitled "Subtlety", by Tanya Davis. I transcribed it from this video here: Tanya Davis- Subtlety Spoken Word Performance on POP"T CULTURE TV - YouTube
Subtlety was never my specialty,
And so, without much thought to consequence,
I showed my heart and soul to many.
I left little guessing.
I was that book, lying open in full view, unprotected.
Some people told me I should close it up.
At least, choose more carefully which pages to show,
And maybe don’t expose so much.
Apparently, there is an appropriate amount of sharing, and I overdo it.
People are only comfortable up to a certain point,
And yet I go right through it.
Maybe I missed the training,
That day they went over closed book, and open book,
And how much was too much information.
Or else, I was there, but the lesson must’ve lost me,
Cause I thought its elements were slightly off,
And how could they possibly be the same for us all?
These days, I am trying to find a fine balance with this.
Give people a view of my sincere self while keeping some things concealed within.
Cause, I was told that I should,
And I’m curious to see
What it might get me,
And I’m hoping it could be something good.
Like improved defenses,
Or a heart less tormented,
Cause if I let less people in it to begin with,
I would be less likely to be injured when they left it.
If I could be more subtle, nobody would know when I was broken.
As it stands right now, though, I tend to break right open;
Spill out over coffee shop tables,
And try not to be noticed by the other patrons,
Cause people don’t like to see random strangers crying,
It makes them anxious.
If I could be more subtle, I wouldn’t make anybody anxious.
I wouldn’t make them order their coffees to take away,
Cause they were afraid if they got it to stay,
I would ask to borrow their hankies.
No, I would be normal, meaning discreet,
And this could be sort of amazing.
But, subtlety was never my specialty,
And so maybe it’s gonna be hard, suddenly, to start changing;
Holding people away;
Knowing when to keep them out, and when to bring them close,
And how to differentiate.
Anyway, I want people to know me.
That means the whole me, the true soul in me,
All the many parts in me.
The fragile, and the tortured, and the happy human heart in me.
So, subtlety is just never gonna be my specialty.