Clues to my breakup. Clues that change things.

[spanky]

Let me start by saying I'm not interested if all you have to say is "man up" or "move on". I've been through this. I'm getting onn with my life, but like it or not, I loved her more than anyone before, and call me a romntic, but I'm not going to forget that. Ever. Because I'm human. Not superman. Let me also say that I know perfectly well that what I had has gone and will never return. I am ok with this. I'm resolving things for myself, butsomething here changes things dramatically.

OK, so background. I had a GF last year I loved immensely. More than anyone before. She ended it harshly, overnight. With no satisfactory explanation. She was a different woman. I joked t the time that I'd been dumped by her evil twin sister. It felt like that. And it broke my heart. I spoke to her a week later on the phone, and she was really unhappy. She lost friends over the way she treated me (though I didn't see the half of it). I was cool with her then, it made her day. Then it went South, never to return. I went to her house a few months later to pick up my things. She went ballistic, screaming and shouting at me to fuck off. I ignored it, said "I'm here for my things" and left. She was not a happy woman.

When we met, I wasn't trying to pull her. In fact I was leaving the country and this visit to the area was to say goodbye to friends. At that time, I told her that I felt bad about my then-ex at the time, that some things were unresolved and I wanted to smooth things over, to try to resolve things. Not to have her back, but to make peace. Then I ended up in a relationship with this new girl. And put the whole emigration thing on hold.

Throughout our relationship, new girl was crazy jealous, and wouldn't let my ex before her go. It was a kind of spectre over our relationship. Turns out, that my then-ex had moved in as a lodger with a good friend of mine (woman) who lived very close to new girl. New girl almost certainly had met my good friend who lived nearby. She knew other people I knew too. People who my ex also knew. It seems likely they'd have crossed paths, but I never heard if that happened. Seeing as I didn't even live in the same town, it was an awkward coincidence, but there you go. New girl kept stumbling on ripples and remnants of my ex, and she would go crazy about it - like "everywhere I look, she's there". I would laugh it off.

It went on, she would get angry about the craziest things and accuse me of letting my ex come between us. I hadn't spoken to my then-ex for years (and still haven't) so I would laugh at new girl for getting psycho jealous. I actually kind of liked it. I had tried to reassure her, but she wouldn't listen.

Despite all this, we had a *great* time the rest of the time. Lots of great sex, shared interests, plans for the future, light-heartedly planning our marriage.. I loved her young kids too. And they loved me. Everything was wonderful.

Then she changed overnight. And that was that. As I say, it broke my heart. Interestingly, as this was a new experience for me, for it to hurt like that, I then realised that this is what I had done a couple of years before to my then-ex.

And in some crazy coincidence, the earlier ex then moved away. I smiled to myself that my earier ex had ruined things for me now, and was riding off into the sunset, like "my work here is done". It's a silly romantic idea, and I threw it away, but it kind of felt that way.

But here's the thing

I heard last night, from an old friend that my ex-ex, the one whose heart I broke first, had been bad-mouthing me a lot, and telling people how I came too quickly, and was bad in bed, and presumably then, any number of my other flaws. I'm like yeah whatever, I'm so far past caring about her it makes no odds. Plus, I fixed my PreE thaks to you guys here, so who cares.

But it struck me, that given the likelihood of ex and ex-ex crossing paths (there are more reasons why this is likely) if ex-ex was still bitter and bad mouthing me, then she would have seen new ex, probably been jealous, because new girl was younger, smaller, hotter, had children (ex-ex couldn't have them) and almost certainly would have spilt every possible reason she could come up with for new girl not to stay with me. I have no doubt now, hearing that ex-ex had been bad mothing me that IF THEY MET then this would have happened.

Suddenly the whole rifing off into the sunset idea started to come into sharp focus.. like holy fuck, it really could be that way.

I said this to my sister earlier. She said, well it explains why new-ex had been they way she had if she was unhappy about breaking up with me. Whereas if new-ex had actually been over and done with me, then she wouldn't have been so crazy or so angry. I could go on and on about the things it explains. It makes more sense than any other possibility I've entertained to explain the way things went.

And a few months ago, weirdly, new ex recommended me to one of her best mates, who lives round the corner from her. Flattering, but weird as hell. I went to meet her, and told her the truth, that I was sleeping around, having a great time, but that I really fucking loved her mate, and that it had ruined me. Her mate decided on that basis not to do anything wih me. Understandably.

Ex has a new fella anyway. Hairy fellow apparently. But here's the thing.

If she changed overnight and broke up with me entirely of her own volition, then hey, I've spent the last year dealing with this. I'm getting on with my life, and it'll be fine. But.
If she broke up with me because of something my EX-ex did or said, then it changes things entirely and I can't let it go.

You can give me all the "move ons" you like, that is what I'm doing. But I have never loved anybody like that. I'm sorry. I thought she was fucking amazing. Warts and all. And I know that having strong feelings about somebody doesn't entitle me to them, but if I could discard them that easily, then they wouldn't have been that strong.

It's a bit of a tangled web to describe, but it's not really that complicated. I don't know why I'm bothering to say this anyway. I know exactly what you're all going to say. But then you're not in love with her. So you would.

[Pegasus]

You loved you lost and it hurt ,of course it is hard to get over . But you have no choice; if this thread helps then ok. What caused the breakup ;is it important at this point?

[islander]

The worse thing is when we can not get answers to our thoughts. I know what that is like. I also know what it is like not to provide answers to the other person that wants them from me. Usually when I do not provide any answers to an ex that is because I am in pain and that pain will turn into anger quick because I am being essentially forced to help them. I know it sounds terribly mean but one goes into protective mode.
Just because I left him, broke up, whatever you want to call it does not mean I did not love him. There are lots of other reasons. But all those reasons, even if just one, really means I cant be with him for my own reasons. It doesn't matter what I was told, what plug someone put in there, etc I just could not do it. This has happened to me my entire life. I have always been the leaver, I have always hurt the other and even as I have aged and able to try to clear the air and explain things to them or answer their questions... they always seem to come up with more questions. That is not fair. One day, one hour, two days, a week of of answering questions is enough. They cant keep coming back because they have more questions and force me to answer them and bring that back up into my life.
So I wont say move on. Many of us have commented on this before. Love, no matter how much or little, and the thoughts of future and what could have been go deep inside.
Much luck to you

[someone_like_u]

Spanky, do you think you two would be able to sit down and have a civil discussion regarding your breakup? I think at this point, it might help you close the door or at the very least, settle up the misinformation she was given should that be the case.

Edited my typo, although you probably are spunky Spanky

[spanky]

You loved you lost and it hurt ,of course it is hard to get over . But you have no choice; if this thread helps then ok. What caused the breakup ;is it important at this point?

Well yeah it is to me. It's important to me to know who broke my trust. It changes my expectations.

And for my sins. I miss her like fucking crazy. I've been making that break easier by convincing myself of all the reasons she doesn't deserve my energy or time. This new info kind of ruins that picture I built up to protect myself.

[someone_like_u]

Spanky, I'll fix my typo on your name when I get to my computer, on phone right now and can't edit post.

[spanky]

The worse thing is when we can not get answers to our thoughts. I know what that is like. I also know what it is like not to provide answers to the other person that wants them from me. Usually when I do not provide any answers to an ex that is because I am in pain and that pain will turn into anger quick because I am being essentially forced to help them. I know it sounds terribly mean but one goes into protective mode.
Just because I left him, broke up, whatever you want to call it does not mean I did not love him. There are lots of other reasons. But all those reasons, even if just one, really means I cant be with him for my own reasons. It doesn't matter what I was told, what plug someone put in there, etc I just could not do it. This has happened to me my entire life. I have always been the leaver, I have always hurt the other and even as I have aged and able to try to clear the air and explain things to them or answer their questions... they always seem to come up with more questions. That is not fair. One day, one hour, two days, a week of of answering questions is enough. They cant keep coming back because they have more questions and force me to answer them and bring that back up into my life.
So I wont say move on. Many of us have commented on this before. Love, no matter how much or little, and the thoughts of future and what could have been go deep inside.
Much luck to you

Thank you x
It's not so much more questions. It's the same one. And honestly, the new info provides an answer, albeit a guess, that's more satisfying than I've ever had. And by satisfying I mean believable, not that it makes me happy.

I don't want answers really. Honestly, I want her. It's fucking insane. I know. Don't judge me.

Spanky, do you think you two would be able to sit down and have a civil discussion regarding your breakup? I think at this point, it might help you close the door or at the very least, settle up the misinformation she was given should that be the case.

God, I have no idea. I know the thing I should do is just turn and keep walking, because my life is my adventure, and waiting to be lived. I know this. But every fibre in me wants to reconnect. I doubt I'll shake that feeling without trying.

Look, I'll be ok. It's just time. I know. But if there's even the remotest chance of a better end to all this, and by that I mean anything better, I don't mean marriage, then I'll always regret not trying.

[spanky]

Spanky, I'll fix my typo on your name when I get to my computer, on phone right now and can't edit post.

haha no, I like it

[PEskeptic]

I mean, let's assume that you are completely correct that your first ex caused problems between you and your recent ex. What are you going to do? Killer her? Somehow fuck her relationship up?

Or when you say that you can't let it go, or whatever, do you mean that its even more difficult for you to get over, that you really were compatible and your first ex just really fucked things up?

Either way, I guess my question is, what now?

[spanky]

I mean, let's assume that you are completely correct that your first ex caused problems between you and your recent ex. What are you going to do? Killer her? Somehow fuck her relationship up?

Or when you say that you can't let it go, or whatever, do you mean that its even more difficult for you to get over, that you really were compatible and your first ex just really fucked things up?

Either way, I guess my question is, what now?

No I'm not going to kill her, I'm not really a vengeful person.

But it makes a massive difference to what now. If what came to pass was all her doing, then I was wrong for her, I couldn't trust her, and I move on. Sad, but that's life.

If on the other hand, it was deliberately fucked up - which I think is likely for reasons beyond wishful thinking, then I need to see her.

edit: just to add, I don't care if she's seeing someone else. So am I. It's not important. What's impolrtant is how somebody makes you feel.