When and when not to want an apology

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

Ok so this is something that i have struggled with so i would like male and female opinions.

To me i think an apology is something that is given when your actions whether intentionally or unintentionally hurt or disrespected the other person your with. No matter how big or how small the situation. I think that it doesn't take much to apologize and mean it and it works wonders for stopping a fight. I'd rather apologize and talk about the problem then argue about why the apology is valid or not and why the person is feeling that way. That can come after when the person isnt feeling that way anymore. We can go back and adress why I felt that way in the first place.

What do you guys think. If the other person does not think they should apologize do you think that is pride? It's easy to fall victim to pride and talk yourself into being right in any situation. If two people have different perspectives and one wants an apology and the other doesn't feel one is needed or should be given, whos at fault? Should i not need an apology because the other person thinks its an insignificant matter or should the other person apologize because it hurt/ disrespected you. From that same scenario should i work on and wonder why this disrespected/hurt me to change that and the other person work to apologize no matter the situation.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.
What (if any) compromise can be reached if you find your self in this situation. Should ending it be an option if this is persistent. Is it worth staying in if one persona wants an apology and the other wont give it? Is there a such thing as apologies taking something away from the person giving it or is that pride talking. I know that this is how small problems turn into big ones by not giving sincere apologies or being able to give/receive them.


Everybody view of different situations depends on their experiances

Please let me know your thoughts and opinions

[Sean Jacobs Retired Moderator Member of the Month Dec 2012PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Sean Jacobs]

When someone apologizes he or she is admitting they did something wrong. Many people will not apologize because they don't think they did anything wrong.

I once heard a very wise saying, "We judge others based on their actions. We judge ourselves based on our intent." So, we expect an apology based on how the another person's actions impacted us and how those actions made us feel. The other person is justifying their actions based on their intent, and you should never underestimate people's ability to justify their own actions.

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

When someone apologizes he or she is admitting they did something wrong. Many people will not apologize because they don't think they did anything wrong.

I once heard a very wise saying, "We judge others based on their actions. We judge ourselves based on our intent." So, we expect an apology based on how the another person's actions impacted us and how those actions made us feel. The other person is justifying their actions based on their intent, and you should never underestimate people's ability to justify their own actions.

Yes, that justification comes from pride and because of that pride they deflect and tell you what you have done instead of addressing the situation at hand. While refusing to apologize. But what do you think about a person who refuses to apologize?

[aBone2pick Senior Member Member of the Month July 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close aBone2pick]

Apologize where it's due. That is to say, apologize when you unnecessarily hurt someone's feelings. Some people, however, apologize too much, in an attempt to avoid all conflicts, and they basically empower people to walk on them.

[Sean Jacobs Retired Moderator Member of the Month Dec 2012PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Sean Jacobs]

Yes, that justification comes from pride and because of that pride they deflect and tell you what you have done instead of addressing the situation at hand. While refusing to apologize. But what do you think about a person who refuses to apologize?

Some people will never apologize for their own personal reasons. Some people are incapable of seeing things from other's perspective. Generally, these are people I avoid.

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

What about peopl who only apologize if they see there actions as being bad otherwise they do not apologize and say that you are overreacting. Also how do you guys feel about doing an action and the other person not wanting an apology for it then they do it and you want one for the same thing. Who should conform. Should the person who asks for an apology not expect one cause the other doesn't. Or should the one who doesn't let the other person know when they are doing that action ask for one so it wont be a double standard. Or can a different compromise be reached

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

Apologize where it's due. That is to say, apologize when you unnecessarily hurt someone's feelings. Some people, however, apologize too much, in an attempt to avoid all conflicts, and they basically empower people to walk on them.

What im saying is what if its unintentional but they feel like you shouldn't want/ need one for that. Or they feel like they didn't do anything wrong.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

Here's my opinion, for what it's worth:

I never demand an apology. Why would I? Just because I'm angry and I feel that they did something to hurt me? That's MY problem.
If Tom told me I sound like a jackass and that all of my self-help, self-esteem-promoting stuff was a bunch of kissy-huggy bull****, that may hurt my feelings. Who's hurt? Not Tom. *I* am hurt. That's my problem.
The only reason I would demand anything from Tom is to save my ego. "there. I got something from him. Now we're even." Does it change anything? Tom still thinks the way he does. I still think the way I do. What does him saying sorry do for me?

I find it much easier to just react differently to the situations that pass. If Tom says his thing, then I check in with my response-ability. Yes I could accuse him of having too much pride to say an apology. Yes I could accuse him of being a near-sighted fool. I could also just ignore him and not let him affect me emotionally. Tom thinks the way he does. So what? Maybe I'm helping other people. Maybe my kissy-huggy bull**** is approved of by others who just aren't saying anything. Maybe Tom's just a loud mouth who's having a bad day.

Tom feels very justified in saying what he did. He's absolutely sure in what he says. Why else would he say it? All we have is a difference of opinions. My choice is to not get emotionally involved in such a silly thing.

I AM emotionally involved with this chicken I'm eating, however. My room mate bought a chicken and offered to give me half of it. I amm enthusiastically happy about this.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

What im saying is what if its unintentional but they feel like you shouldn't want/ need one for that. Or they feel like they didn't do anything wrong.

So let me get this straight
1. someone said something
2. you feel hurt
3. you talk to them about it
4. they said it was not intended to hurt you
5. you demand apology
6. they refuse
7. you are upset

Do I have the right of it? From my perspective, it's you who has the problem. Not this other person.

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

Here's my opinion, for what it's worth:

I never demand an apology. Why would I? Just because I'm angry and I feel that they did something to hurt me? That's MY problem.
If Tom told me I sound like a jackass and that all of my self-help, self-esteem-promoting stuff was a bunch of kissy-huggy bull****, that may hurt my feelings. Who's hurt? Not Tom. *I* am hurt. That's my problem.
The only reason I would demand anything from Tom is to save my ego. "there. I got something from him. Now we're even." Does it change anything? Tom still thinks the way he does. I still think the way I do. What does him saying sorry do for me?

I find it much easier to just react differently to the situations that pass. If Tom says his thing, then I check in with my response-ability. Yes I could accuse him of having too much pride to say an apology. Yes I could accuse him of being a near-sighted fool. I could also just ignore him and not let him affect me emotionally. Tom thinks the way he does. So what? Maybe I'm helping other people. Maybe my kissy-huggy bull**** is approved of by others who just aren't saying anything. Maybe Tom's just a loud mouth who's having a bad day.

Tom feels very justified in saying what he did. He's absolutely sure in what he says. Why else would he say it? All we have is a difference of opinions. My choice is to not get emotionally involved in such a silly thing.

I AM emotionally involved with this chicken I'm eating, however. My room mate bought a chicken and offered to give me half of it. I amm enthusiastically happy about this.

So what your saying is even if an apology given the person is still gonna feel the way they did before it and the only thing that was mended was the ego of the person who demanded the apology. So i can understand you view on that and i can see how that can be valuable. What about telling the person how there action made you feel though. Just let them know but dont expect an apology. Or are you saying dont even let it get to you so you never get to that point, cause sometimes that can be difficult.

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

So let me get this straight
1. someone said something
2. you feel hurt
3. you talk to them about it
4. they said it was not intended to hurt you
5. you demand apology
6. they refuse
7. you are upset

Do I have the right of it? From my perspective, it's you who has the problem. Not this other person.

No they knew what they were doing would upset me. We have talked about it before and we aslo talked about how to make it better, hince the apology. What happened was the opposite of both. That action they knew would upset me happened and the apology was refused

[Dangler Senior Administrator☼ Wizard ☼ White Tiger Award 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Dangler]

Different people generate the `hurt` emotion for lots of reasons. Turning that into an action of victimizing another, can be dangerous. Best to get control over that hurt emotion (generated between the ears, with help from ego) .
Any time an emotion gets you to want someone else to massage your ego; beware.

[lclutchl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close lclutchl]

Different people generate the `hurt` emotion for lots of reasons. Turning that into an action of victimizing another, can be dangerous. Best to get control over that hurt emotion (generated between the ears, with help from ego) .
Any time an emotion gets you to want someone else to massage your ego; beware.

So its more so important for me to not want the apology or need the apology vs the other person to apologize for unintentionally hurting/disrespecting me?

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

So what your saying is even if an apology given the person is still gonna feel the way they did before it and the only thing that was mended was the ego of the person who demanded the apology. So i can understand you view on that and i can see how that can be valuable. What about telling the person how there action made you feel though. Just let them know but dont expect an apology. Or are you saying dont even let it get to you so you never get to that point, cause sometimes that can be difficult.

Hm. That's a good question.

Does you telling them how it made you feel have the hidden intention to change their behaviour? As long as they "make" you feel anything, the way you feel is dictated to you by them. If they know you have a button, then they can push it. I'd prefer to take full responsibility of that button and change the way I react to it.
This is much harder to do than it is to say. Let me give you an example of how I myself have struggled with this very thing:

Currently, I'm a cleaner. My employer trains me with his ample supply of negative feedback. He will go looking for things that I haven't done, or did poorly, in an attempt to mould me into the cleaner he feels can competently do the work. That's fine.
I found out that I have a button, which I called, Toadstool's need for positive feedback. I found that the more negative feedback I got, the more I wanted positive feedback. The more that was denied, the angrier I got.
When I found this out, I had to curb it. I started thanking him every time I got negative feedback, no matter how small it was. I did that in an attempt to harvest appreciation, rather than let the unconscious resentment I felt as a result of his training.

The only time I brought it up to him was when I began to see a pattern emerge: that there was no winning, no such thing as a good job, and that whatever I did was going to be false. There was a time when if I did X, it was wrong. And if I didn't do X, it was still wrong. So, I brought it up to him and he thanked me and things changed. My intention was to bring to his attention an underlying contradiction in what he was saying to me, not necessarily that I wanted him to change. I mean, if I did **** work - I still want to know.
Does that make sense?
For me, I try my utmost to take full responsibility of my actions and the way I feel. then, if I see a conflict that is being caused by the other's actions, i will bring it up.

I would do the same thing with a woman or a friend. If a girl I knew started talking about the size of her ex's dick, and that bothered me, then I would analyze myself and take responsibility for that feeling. The feeling is in ME, not her. I simply let her make me feel that way. That means she's in control of my emotions. I don't like that, so I take control back.
That being said, I still don't want to hear a woman I'm seeing talk about her ex. Not because it bothers me, but because it serves no positive function in my life. If she had a bad relationship or if she loved his dick, it's her problem. I'm not her therapist. Stop talking about him and go to your girlfriends about it. I'm not your girlfriend. If he was so great in bed, let me show you the door so you can make your speedy way back to him.

I don't know if I made any sense to you in my wall of text there.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

No they knew what they were doing would upset me. We have talked about it before and we aslo talked about how to make it better, hince the apology. What happened was the opposite of both. That action they knew would upset me happened and the apology was refused

Oh, so they said something knowing you would be hurt. Then, they apologized and you refused it.

I still think it's your problem. The hurt feeling was in you and that's your responsibility.

But why would you refuse their apology? (or am I wrong there?)