Fiction: Episode One; The Spammer War

[JonPop]

Sir Bret got off of the bed unashamedly, as the Knights had been together for so many years that it was if they were brothers, which they were to a certain extent.
Both of the Knights looked at Sir Bret's massive erection, looked at each other and smiled.

Sir Uberschwanz said, " We have come with news from the encampment of our Highness King Arthur, There has been a fierce battle with the spammers. They appeared as if from nowhere and did wreck havoc amongst the Knights and soldiers before we were able to drive them off.
We lost many brave foot soldiers and four Moderator Knights were killed."
Sir Bret gave a gasp at this unheard of news and stammered, "Who...who were the Knights that were killed?"
Sir Sonic Celt said, "Sir Pleaser, Sir 2Cents, Sir 789 and Sir Playtimer."
Sir Bret said in loud anguish, "Oh no, not Sir Playtimer, he owed me $20.00 from a bet on the Chargers game last week.
Tell me what devious weapon that the spammers used, to kill such strong and experienced Knights, and how did they die?"

Sir Sonic Celt said, "They just went poof and disappeared, leaving behind only their last post.
Sir Uberschwanz said. "We managed to capture a spammer before he could get off line and with the magic potions from Sir Merlin, he was gladly telling us everything he knew.
Where the spammer's nest is located and all about their new weapon.
It seems that they are using a thing called Ctrl Alt Delete. This makes Moderators disappear."
"King Arthur wants you to return with us immediately as we are gathering for an attack on the spammer nest."

Sir Bret got dressed and put on his armor, gave the Princess a final lingering kiss and apologized for having to leave. The Princess said that she understood, but would he return as soon as possible, to which Sir Bret replied, "That if the Gods allowed it, he would return for her."
He went to bid his farewell to King Thunder.

As the three road out of the court yard and across the bridge, the Princess with tears in her eyes waved a silk hanky from her balcony, as a gesture of goodbye, as did the Queen, with a sigh, from her balcony where she had been waiting to join the two on the bed and partake of the pleasures that Sir Bret and the Princess had been engaged in.
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[JonPop]

The Spammer War:



The night was pitch black. The Moderator Knights from the Kingdom of BetterMan, were having to walk beside their horses, let them lead and try not stumble. The full suits of armor while heavy, were also not the most comfortable thing to wear. Although Sir Merlin had designed the armor with the magical clasps and it was far advanced over anything of the period, it still would chafe and rub sore spots.

The long lines of soldiers to the rear were having as much trouble, if one should trip and fall, it would set off a chain reaction with many soldiers falling over the pile. There were constant commands to be quiet, keep it down.

Sir Loki had been sent on ahead to scout the perimeter of the spammer nest and now returned. He had found the column of soldiers and Knights by yelling, "Marco" to which someone would reply, "Polo."

Sir Loki, when he got to the column, yelled, "Light some torches, so that I might find my way to the King."
Several torches were lit and Sir Loki rode down the column until he found King Arthur, astride his horse being led by a squire.
"Your Highness", said Sir Loki, "The spammer nest is completely empty. There is no one around." By this time all the Moderator Knights had gathered round to hear the news.

King Arthur said, "Well, there goes our element of surprise, they must have found out somehow, that one of their spammers had given us the location of their nest, further more, they probably know, that we knew, that their weapon of the Ctrl Alt Delete wouldn't work at night, because it's a line of sight reliant device."
The King said, "We'll make camp here for the night, inform the soldiers to set up their tents."

The Moderators immediately posted this in Announcements and there was a flurry of torches being lit and wagons being unloaded.

The night was fitful for Sir Bret, he couldn't stop thinking about the Princess Jennifer. He had never missed a woman before and didn't know what to make of these feelings.

He, Sir Stud and Sir Want8 took the first shift for perimeter duty. They had opted to not wear their armor as the chances of a surprise attack by the spammers was very low and it was much more comfortable in the saddle.
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[JonPop]

Just as dawn was breaking, Sir Bret awakened to the smell of freshly brewed English Tea and fried meats.
He had been dreaming that he was fucking the Queen and the King was pounding on his back with a stick.
He realized, that it had been Sir Stud, poking him on the back with his finger to awaken him. Sir Stud said, "Ya'll need to get your ass up, Sir Bret, the King want's you and me and Sir Loki to ride to the spammers nest and see if this ain't maybe a trap."
Sir Bret said, "Do I have time to have some tea and breakfast?" Sir Stud said, "Hell yeh, I'm gonna eat too."

He, Sir Loki and Sir Stud, sat eating and drinking the very strong tea and devised a plan based on what Sir Loki had been able to observe on last nights scouting mission.
Sir Bret would take the road directly into the spammers site and Sir Loki and Sir Stud would flank far to the left and right. If there was no challenge or alarm sounded, they would then enter one at a time.
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[JonPop]

Sir Bret rode slowly, patting his horse on the neck to calm him as his mount sensed that there was danger ahead.
As he came to a turn in the road, his senses heightened, feeling this would be and ideal spot for an ambush. There was nothing there.
He looked to his right and could see Sir Stud, the sunlight flashing off his shield and to his left Sir Loki was beginning to turn in and was riding to cross his path.
The three joined up at what appeared to be a site of great dishevelment. There were huge worm holes everywhere and great piles of partially burned spam posts as if they had been in a great hurry to leave.
Sir Stud dismounted and picked up a few of the print-outs and looked at them and said, " What the fuck is this shit? I can't even read this crap." Holding the papers up to the sun and squinting, trying to make out the strange language. He handed one of the spam messages up to Sir Loki who agreed that he had never seen anything like this before.

They continued further into the vacated nest of the spammers, wary of any movement.
They separated in three directions, with Sir Bret going up the middle again.
When they again met up, it was obvious that the site was totally deserted. Sir Bret asked Sir Stud if he would ride back to the encampment and inform the King of their findings.
Sir Stud said, "Your damn straight Sir Bret, this fuckin place gives me the creeps." And took off in a gallop to take the word to the King.

Both of them dismounted and begin walking the site on foot, looking for any clue as to which direction the spammers had gone.
Sir Loki gave a shout and pointed out the deep grooves made by very heavily laden wagons.
They both surmised that these must have been loaded with the servers and processors.

As the sun was now fully up, they sought shade in one of the many large, worm holes, but just a few minutes of this and they were overwhelmed by the overpowering stink of the spammers and had to retreat back outside.

Within an hour, they could hear the army of King Arthur rattling and clanking as they made their approach, with Sir Uberschwanz in the lead. (Nothing is louder than an Army on the move. I know)
When the King arrived, and had posted sentry's out and up the sides of the hills, he dismounted and walked the site to see for himself.
He entered a worm hole and came out choking and gagging from the smell.
Sir Bret and Sir Loki looked at each other and gave a quiet laugh. King Arthur said, "I have never smelled anything so foul, if nothing else we should be able to locate them by the stink trail that they leave.
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[JonPop]

A flash of light and movement caught Sir Bret's eye. Sir Marty had galloped up the hill and dispatched a spammer sniper with one thrust of his lance. He was observed dismounting and picking up an object.
He rode quickly back down the hill and dropped his lance and instructed his squire to clean the spammer stink from his weapon.
He again dismounted and approached the King.
He held out a lap top and said Your Highness, I saw a spammer pointing this at you and was able to ban him before he could activate the Ctrl Alt Delete.
The King looked and saw that, yes, his name had been entered and had been only moments away from being deleted.

The King quickly dropped the lap top as it was extremly hot and starting to melt. They looked in fascination as the lap top melted into a puddle of goo.
The King bowed at the waist and said, "Thank you Sir Marty, I owe you my life. Good work."

Sir Marty got many claps on the back and attaboy's from the other Knights. The King instructed that there be a toast to Sir Marty and to break out the Rum stores.

After several rounds of toast's to the Brave Sir Marty, which went straight to the head because of the heat, they lingered awhile and determined that the wagons and the many tracks, had headed West toward the Kingdom of ThundersPlace.

Finally, the King felt as if they had gotten all they could from the vacant site and after much pouring over the spam print-outs, his best linguists could decipher but little of the spammer language, decided that they would
leave this foul place and make camp upwind for a few hours, then head toward the Kingdom of ThundersPlace in the cooler evening hours.
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[JonPop]

It had been a very hard. hot 3 days and nights march to the Kingdom of ThundersPlace, everyone in full battle gear, on full alert.
The King surrounded by his loyal Moderator Knights with highly polished shields to deflect any line of sight attempt toward their King, during the daylight hours.
The King had instructed Sir Bret and Sir Stud to ride ahead when they were just hours away from the outer limits of the Kingdom, to bring the message to King Thunder that He and his army, would soon be arriving.
He told Sir Bret that they would encamp just on the fringes of the Kingdom and await the answer from King Thunder that it would be permissible to enter with his large army and that his intentions were honorable and peaceful, as King Thunder was known to attack first, anyone that was not a member of the ThundersPlace site.

After a long, hard, 6 hour ride, Sir Stud and Sir Bret finally reached the walls and gate of the Palace of King Thunder. When Sir Bret saw the draw bridge, his heart did a little skip as he thought about the beautiful Princess Jennifer behind those walls.
Again, they were challenged by the guards and the two Knights identified themselves.
The drawbridge was quickly lowered and they rode into the courtyard where the were greeted as if they were returning heroes.
Even before they could dismount, Sir Bret heard a loud feminine cry and Princess Jennifer was upon him, pulling at his leg and trying to pull him from his horse. She let go quickly and said, "Ouch, your armor is burning hot Sir Bret." Sir Bret said, "Tell me about it, I'm cooking in here."
Princess Jennifer said, eyeing Sir Stud, "And who is this brave and handsome knight that accompany's you, Sir Bret?" She said with undisguised interest in her voice.
"This, beautiful Lady Jennifer," said Sir Bret, "Is one of my Moderator brother Knights from BetterMan and he is called, Sir Happy Stud, for obvious reasons, that you will soon discover about him." And gave a hearty laugh.
Sir Stud looked at the Princess Jennifer and thought, "Yea, what Sir Bret told me about her is true and those big tits were just made to fit my hands." And smiled to himself.

The palace guard formed around the two Knights and escorted them to the throne of King Thunder.
This time the King hurriedly descended the steps to greet Sir Bret and put his arm around his shoulder, which he hastily removed because the armor was still hot and said, "I am very delighted to see you so soon Sir Bret, I am assuming that you, King Arthur and his brave Knights have completed your quest to destroy the spammers?" and added, "Who is this handsome Knight that accompany's you?"
Sir Bret, trying to dislodge his hand from Princess Jennifer, who was pulling on him said, "Your Highness, This is Sir Stud, we have come from King Arthur who is camped on the outer edge of your Kingdom awaiting an answer to the message that I bring you." Again shaking Princess Jennifer's tugging grip from his hand.

The King summoned two of his best squires to help the Knights remove their hot and stifling armor.
When they were seated and a drink of the Kings finest wine was in front of them, Sir Bret recounted all that had transpired since he had left the Kingdom of ThundersPlace. He relayed the message from King Arthur and tried to ignore the groping hand of the Princess.

Sir Stud was enjoying the Princess rubbing and squeezing his cock through his tights as she was sitting between the two Knights.

King Thunder pondered all that had been told and said, "Sir Stud, I know it has been a long and hot ride from the encampment of your King, but I wish you to return immediately with my reply."
Sir Stud stood and bowed, and thought to himself, "Dang, I was hoping to get a little of Princess Jennifer's pussy before I had to leave, oh well." He said, "I will do as your Majesty instructs."
He sat back down and pushed the Princesses hand away and tried to let his erection subside.

The King said, "Tell your King Arthur that he is welcome to bring his army outside the walls of my palace and that he and his Knights shall be welcomed into my Kingdom." He added, Tell your King that with the new weapon that the spammers possess that we shall join forces and myself, my Knights and army shall join his quest in the spammer war."

Sir Stud, hurriedly finished his goblet of wine, put on his now cooled armor. He gave Sir Bret a knowing wink and left, to deliver the words of King Thunder.

The King instructed his staff to prepare for many guests and to find food to feed King Arthur's army, that would soon be arriving.
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I've got a

[JonPop]

As Sir Stud was leaving to ride to the camp of King Arthur, King Thunder turned to Sir Bret and said, I am glad to see you back here Sir Knight, my daughter would not shut up about you all the time you were gone. She even wanted me to mount an expedition with wagons, soldiers, her hand maidens and several knights to protect her and go to the encampment of King Arthur to find you. Naturally I forbade her from doing so."
Sir Bret said, "I can see and um, feel that she is glad to see me."

By this time, the Queen had joined them and gestured for a goblet of wine. The Queen said, "Sir Bret, I heard that you had arrived, I am looking forward to your stay." And smiled brightly. "Sir Bret said, "Thank you Queen Thunder and I am happy to see you also."

Princess Jennifer said, "Ewww, Sir Bret, you need a bath and your garments washed, you smell like a spammer," and laughed. "I shall show you to your room and instruct my hand maidens to prepare a bath and your bed."
King Thunder laughed and said, "My darling daughter Jennifer, I am surprised that it has taken you this long to again seduce Sir Bret. I shall leave you two as I have much preparation to attend to before the arrival of King Arthur."

Jennifer hurried Sir Bret along, as without the armor he could move faster this time. As soon as they were in Sir Bret's room, she yelled for her hand maidens to prepare a bath and come get the Knights soiled garments to wash.
She pushed Sir Bret over backwards on the bed and begin stripping off his tights. When she saw his penis, she sighed in relief and said, "Oh, I am so thankful that it wasn't a dream."

Sir Bret couldn't help himself, he felt his cock becoming rock hard. He stood and removed his sweat soaked tunic. A young hand maiden came to retrieve the Knights garments and stopped dead at the sight of Sir Bret's massive penis. Princess Jennifer looked at her with a look that only another woman would understand that said, 'He is mine bitch, eat your heart out.' But she said sweetly, "Please see that these are washed and returned as soon as possible, for we will have many guests tonight and I will need all of my hand maidens to attend to the many handsome Knights that will be staying with us."
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[JonPop]

Sir bret said accusingly, "That was a very foolish thing you were attempting to do Princess, As soon as we had arrived back at King Arthur's camp and I had relayed the message from your Father, we were on the move. You would not have found us and would have been in grave danger from the spammer snipers.
One, even attempted to delete our King but was killed by Sir Marty."

Princess Jennifer said, "Oh, Sir Bret, I couldn't stop crying from the moment you and your Knights rode off, I begged my Father to let me go to you, but he refused. But now, you are here with me and I must have you between my legs, once again."
Sir Bret lay back on the bed, his massive erection pointing straight up. The Princess moved on top of him and very slowly, inserted his penis with little cries of "oh, ewe, ouch," as she settled on this massive tool. When she had fully engulfed Sir Bret's member, she begin a slow up and down rhythm increasing the speed until she was pumping with a mad frenzy.
She was slamming so hard that it was actually hurting Sir Bret's pelvic bone as neither one of them had an ounce of fat for padding. Princess Jennifer let out a long cry of OooooHhhhh Ummm and had a huge orgasm. Sir Bret, as it had been days, soon followed with a resounding climax of his own.

The hot, oil scented bath was very welcome as he was glad to remove the stench, of days in the hot armor and once again hold the Princesses in tender loving embrace and totally relax.

Princess Jennifer's hand maidens hovered around after he had stepped out to dry him and attend to the sore and chafed spots with salve and balm where his armor had rubbed him raw.

Once again, dressed in clean tights and tunic and feeling very tired, Sir Bret lay on the bed besides the Princess and both fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke to much commotion and realized that it was dark. The hand maidens had quietly lit candles to illuminate the room and Sir Bret stood up shakily from the bed and tried to get his mind to work. He didn't know for how long the Sun had been down, but figured he must have slept for several hours. The Princesses rolled over and looked up at him and smiled.

Sir Bret opened the door and could hear clanking and banging and the loud voices of many men. He left the room and descended the staircase, to find the great hall filled with many Knights still in their full armor.
He recognized Sir Sikdogg and Sir Uberschwanz standing behind King Arthur sitting at the long table beside King Thunder. They appeared to be in deep discussion.
He saw Sir Stud turn and look up at him as he was coming down the stairs, he could tell by Sir Stud's expression that something was amiss.
Sir Stud met him at the bottom of the stairs and said, "Sir Bret, we had another pitched battle with the spammers on the way to the palace. The assholes struck at last light, when we were relaxing our guard, we fought hard and gallantly and Sir Incubus was killing spammers right and left when he was deleted. Sir Mickey Mouse and Our best Doctor Sir Bulge were also killed. As night fell, we were able to make our way here.
Sir Bret was horrified at the news, and hurried to join the discussion at the table.

He soon learned that the Kingdom of Matters of Size had been overrun and conquered by the spammers and that King Doublelongdaddy had been deleted.
The remnants of the MOS army and the surviving Moderator Knights had made there way here to join forces with ThundersPlace and BetterMan.
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[JonPop]

There was much buzzing and loud conversations between the Moderator Knights of the different Kingdoms.
King Thunder stood and pounded on the table with the butt of his broad sword and yelled for quiet. Almost immediately, there fell a hush as everyone turned to face the King.
Sir Bret saw, amongst the crowd, Sir Marty, Sir Sonic Celt, Sir Loki and Sir Want8. He was very relieved to see his brothers were here, safe.

He heard loud demands as the throng of Knights were being pushed aside and Sir JonPop and Sir Kdub, were pushing their way toward the table.
King Thunder stopped in what he was going to say and waited as King Arthur stood and came around the table to greet the new arrivals. He said, "Sir JonPop and Sir Kdub, I had left you behind to tend to the BetterMan Kingdom, why are you here?"
Sir JonPop said, looking very tired and bedraggled, "Your Highness, we have ridden like the wind for many days to bring you the news that our Wizard, Sir Merlin has devised a weapon to counter the Ctrl Alt Delete function of the spammers."
King Arthur said, "This is wonderful news Sir JonPop. Please tell us what it is, that we might plan our course of action."

Sir JonPop removed his helmet and collapsed in a seat at the table, and begin recounting the news.
A goblet of wine was hurriedly set before him and he drank it down in one gulp.
Sir JonPop continued, "Myself and Sir Kdub were astounded to see such a large garrison of soldiers outside the walls of the ThundersPlace, palace. At first we thought that the castle was under siege. But we were soon informed that this was the combined armies of King Thunder, our own BetterMan soldiers and the remnants of the Kingdom of MOS. We had encountered several spammer snipers but were able to deflect with our shields, their deadly delete function by riding swiftly and without stop. Please forgive me Highness, but I must catch my breath, before I can continue."
King Arthur, said, "Certainly, Sir JonPop, although we are all waiting to hear the news from Sir Merlin."

There was complete silence in the great hall as all ears were awaiting Sir JonPop to finish.
Sir JonPop after many minutes of heavy breathing, resumed what he was about to say.

Sir Kdub, in total exhaustion, had collapsed to the floor and was being attended to by Sir Marty and Sir Want8. Who had removed his helmet and were in the process of unbuckling his armor.
Sir JonPop spoke loudly enough for all to hear and said....
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[JonPop]

Sir JonPop said, "Brother Knight Moderators, most of you that I have never had the pleasure to meet before.
It is with great sorrow that I stand before you and Your Highness King Thunder and my King Arthur, in these times of war.
We have all suffered mightily at the hands of the spammers, but I bring news from the Wizard, Sir Merlin of a new way to counter the spammers weapon."
At this, there came a great roar from the assembled Knights with much pounding of gauntlets upon breast plates and thumping of Broadswords on the floor.
Sir JonPop waited for the noise to die down before continuing.
"It is a very simple way that our great Wizard of Betterman,Sir Marlin has devised. As you all now know, the spammer weapon is a line of sight reliant weapon that is only effective during daylight hours and Sir Merlin has made, using his great Magical powers, very thin sheets of a reflective material that can be applied to all of the Moderator Knights and soldiers.
In the saddle bags of my and Sir Kdub's horses, are enough rolls of this light material to equip a small platoon of Knights to thwart the efforts of the spammers.
Many wagon loads of this same material are within a two day ride behind our arrival.
My suggestion, with the permission of our two great Kings, would be to pick the freshest and most fearless knights to be wrapped in this material and to take the battle to the spammers."
Again, there was a great roar and banging. Sir JonPop, turned and looked at the two Kings.

King Thunder stood and said, in a very loud and forceful voice, "Will all the captains of the Moderator Knights please remain and all others please clear the hall and go to the courtyard where you will find a fine meal and wine awaiting you."

Sir Bret and Sir Uberschwanz remained as did a large group of Moderator Knight captains from ThundersPlace as well as two or three surviving captains from MOS.

Sir Supra, a Moderator Knight from the Matters of Size Kingdom, raised his hand and spoke loudly. "If this is true Sir JonPop, that a reflecting material will render the spammer device ineffective, pray tell, why our armor that shines so, in the Sun, wouldn't stop the spammer Ctrl Alt Delete, Device? " "Very simple, Sir Supra," replied Sir JonPop, "All of the armor in use today has chinks and spots devoid of covering, the spammers use this small window to zoom in, penetrate and delete." Wrapping in this light weight material will prevent them from any opportunity to use this weakness to delete us."
A great cry of "OoRah" came from the assembled captains.

"Sir JonPop continued, "This weakness is as simple as a Knight raising his arm to swing his Broadsword, thereby exposing the unprotected area at his arm pit, or the simple act of raising his visor. We shall have to devise a new tactic to defeat the spammers.
Many shouts, to be heard were forthcoming and arms being waved in the air. Sir JonPop pointed to Sir Uberschwanz and said, "Sir Knight, you have concerns?" Sir Uberschwanz said, "Yes, Sir JonPop, how will this material be affixed, will it fall off in the heat of the battle?" Sir JonPop replied,
"No, Sir Merlin thought of this and ran many tests using myself and Sir Kdub in full armor. He has devised a 'sticky' side to the material that will adhere to the armor and even bare flesh, so it will not come loose." Many arms dropped and there were no more questions.

King Thunder and King Arthur stood and King Arthur said, "Myself and King Thunder shall discuss all we have heard here tonight, and devise a plan. Now, all of you remaining Knights, go to the courtyard and partake of the food and drink that has been prepared for you."
The Knights all bowed in unison as best they could in their armor and headed for the food.
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