Fiction: Episode One; The Spammer War

[JonPop]

Sir JonPop remained behind as he was too tired to try and eat right now, as did Sir Kdub who had been stripped of his armor and lay sleeping deeply, across several chairs.
King Thunder, said, "Thank you Sir JonPop for your gallant efforts to bring the news to my Kingdom. I will instruct the servants to prepare a bath for yourself and Sir Kdub, and a soft bed for each of you to sleep.
With that, he motioned to one of the several servants to arouse Sir Kdub and take them to a hot bath.

Sir JonPop and a groggy Sir Kdub, followed along behind the servant, Sir JonPop felt as if he were in a dream and sleepwalking, he was so exhausted.

The hot bath was very welcome as the Two knights were saddle sore and chafed in spots they didn't even want to think about.
Sir Kdub, reclined against the wall of the tub and said, "Sir JonPop, do you think this will work, this new way to stop the fookin spammers?"
"I don't know, Sir Kdub," replied Sir JonPop, "But I do know, that I trust Sir Merlin with my life and that this is the best chance we have."

The two knights were awakened from a deep sleep and made to leave the tub and were dried off and their sore spots tended to by loving hands of beautiful hand maidens with the healing salves and ointments.
Sir JonPop stated that now, he was very hungry and Sir Kdub indicated that he was starving.

Platters of hot juicy, meats and several kinds of vegetables were brought before them and they sat on the floor, naked, with their backs propped against the tub and heartily consumed all that was offered. Between mouthfuls, they talked of the hard ride and about the spammer snipers that hey had encountered along the way. They both wondered aloud, about the wagons that were following and decided that at first light, they would wear the new protection and set out to find the convoy. But now...They needed sleep.

The hand maidens led them to separate rooms and to soft beds. As they passed one room they heard a voice that sounded like Sir Bret, being ravished by a woman but were too tired to investigate. Sir JonPop fell upon the bed and was out like a Knight light. (Hee.)
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[JonPop]

Sir JonPop came awake, stretched, opened his eyes and realized it was late morning. He stood and tried to get his bearings as he was still groggy and the surroundings were unfamiliar to him.
He realized that he and Sir Kdub were supposed to have ridden out this morning to try and locate the BetterMan wagon convoy.
His garments were cleaned and folded neatly on the chair, he hurriedly dressed in the tights and tunic worn by all the BetterMan Knights and went to find Sir Kdub.

He stepped into the hall and heard much talking and laughing in the great hall below. He looked in a couple of rooms and they were vacant but found Sir Kdub in the third and went in to rouse him. He touched Sir Kdub on the shoulder and he came up off the bed swinging.
Sir JonPop ducked and backed away as Sir Kdub came awake and said, "Ay Mon, I'm fookin awake, rubbed his eyes and said, where are we?" Sir JonPop sat on the edge of the bed and said, "You need to get dressed, it seems everyone is awake and it is mid morning."

They descended the stair case and saw that indeed the long table was full of seated Knights eating breakfast. Sir Bret stood to greet them and said, "I hope you slept well you two, we've been up for hours. Sir Sickdogg went on a scouting mission at sunrise this morning wearing the new deflector metal and managed to capture a spammer sniper setting up to catch any unwary Moderator Knight, or patrol. The spammer tried to use his delete weapon but the thin reflective metal worked well and the spammer was brought back alive, although a little worse for wear, to face the Kings and be interrogated. All he would give us was his name which is Ïóòèøåñòâèÿ. He had on his person a small hand held device that escaped our search and managed to delete himself before any potions could be used. This appears to be another weapon in the spammer arsenal."
Sir JonPop said, "And, he told you nothing but his name?" Sir Bret replied, "Nope, that was all we got. We couldn't even save the device, because like their laptops, once activity stops, unless the user password is inserted, it just simply melts down in a matter of minutes. We wanted to send this to Sir Merlin."

They sat down at the table and had a hearty breakfast of meats and some fruits that neither had ever seen before.

King Thunder stood at the head of the table and banged with the butt of his dagger to command attention. All talk subsided, the king spoke and said, "King Arthur and I have dispatched several Moderator Knights from Thunder's and two from BetterMan to search for the wagon convoy containing the magical metal, that we may equip all of our Knights and soldiers to make ready for the journey to find the new nest of the spammers."
Sir Kdub turned to Sir Loki sitting to his right and asked, "Who were the BetterMan Knights that were sent, my brother?" Sir Loki swallowed the bite he had in his mouth and said, "Sir Uberschwanz and Sir Sonic Celt and yes, they were all wearing the new protection. They said, before they left that the metal was so light and flexible, that they didn't even know they had it on."
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[JonPop]

As there was nothing to do but wait, the King dismissed all of the knights to check on the care of their horses, clean and tend to their equipment and to partake of the pleasures that the many fawning women had to offer. The upstairs rooms soon filled with Knights and lustful women in the reckless abandonment of sexual pleasure. The baths were soon filled with many Knights anxious to rid themselves of the sweat and grime that had been accumulating for many weeks. Some of the older knights remained at the table getting very drunk on the Kings's wine. The King soon put a stop to this, saying, "You will need your wit's about you Sir Knights, as we will soon be engaged in a fierce battle with the spammers and I need all of my Knights sober" There was some grumbling and muttering but the Knights complied with the Kings orders. As per the guard Captains orders, the towers and walls were fully manned and on high alert during this respite for the Knights.
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[JonPop]

The Moderator expedition to meet up with the wagon convoy had only traveled about 2 kilometers.
They had 3 Moderator Knights out on the left flank, 3 on the right flank riding the sides of the hills overlooking the road. 3 more Knights, including Sir Uberschwanz and Sir Sonic were riding the center of the road.
They saw one of the Moderator Knights on the side of the hill, quickly dismount and raise his Broadsword.
Sir Sonic Celt said, "Wait here, eh? and I will go see what is happening," and took off in a gallop up the hill to where the ThundersPlace Moderator was holding someone down.

When he arrived, he dismounted and saw that the Knight had a spammer pinned down with his Broadsword at his throat. He was yelling at the spammer, "What is you name and where are the rest of your snipers and where is your new nest located?"
The spammer said, "My name is illultfaulk and that is all I will tell you," and proceeded to delete himself.
The Moderator Knight, in frustration bashed the earth many times where the spammer had been, with his Broadsword and yelled, "You fucking spammers are all crazy." They watched in fascination as the spammer's laptop quickly melted into a puddle of hot goo. Sir Sonic congratulated the Knight on catching the sniper and returned down the hill to tell the others what had happened.

They decided to ride at full gallop up the road, ignoring any spammer snipers that they might see, as with the new protection, the spammers could do them no harm, to reach the convoy as quickly as possible as they felt that it might be in grave danger.

It was a very hard, all day ride and they had to stop several times to rest and walk their horses and to give them water. Several times when they had slowed, they saw spammer snipers on the hillsides pointing their laptops at them but they did not stop to dispatch them.

When they finally reached the convoy, there were signs of a fierce battle, many soldiers from BetterMan lay dead.
A wagon had been overturned and it's contents had spilled out on the road. The Captain of the soldiers came from beneath the overturned wagon and greeted them, saying, "It is good to see you, Sir Knights, we were very close to being overrun by the spammers, but for some reason, they just suddenly went away. They must have seen you coming."

Sir Uberschwanz said, "It is good to see you also, Captain Kal, please have your remaining soldiers upright and reload the wagon so that you may resume your journey to the ThundersPlace Castle.
Also, Captain, I am holding you responsible for the death of your soldiers.
You should never have let them remove portions of their protection and this shall be reported to King Arthur when we reach the Kingdom of ThundersPlace."
Captain Kal looking chagrined, said nothing, but gave the orders.
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[JonPop]

The convoy of wagons had no trouble on the remainder of the journey to King ThundersPlace.

The Moderator Knights had supervised the reapplying of the metal so that the soldiers were protected.
The Moderator Knights deleted many spammer snipers on the sides of the hills as the convoy was passing and as they were moving slowly, the Knights were able to range far afield.
The spammers were no match for a lance or Broadsword.

Soon, the castle was in sight and several of the BetterMan Moderator Knights had ridden out to meet them, deleting 2 spammers along the way.
Sir Loki, raised his gauntleted hand in greeting and rode to talk to Sir Uberschwanz.
Sir Uberschwanz said, "I have arrested the Captain of the solders and the leader of this convoy for gross negligence of duty, he is in the first wagon and his horse is tied behind." Sir Loki said, "I shall ride ahead to inform King Arthur and alert the palace guard."
When the wagons crossed the draw bridge and entered the courtyard, the palace guard was waiting to take the now, very fearful Captain into custody. All of the Moderator Knights gathered in the Great Hall to listen to the proceedings.

King Thunder was atop his throne with King Arthur to his right and the Queen and the Princess to his left when the hapless Captain was brought before them. King Thunder looked at King Arthur and said, "Your Highness, this is your soldier and I shall leave his judgement to you."
King Arthur stood and said, "I know of you Captain Kal, you have been with BetterMan for many years. While the charges against you are serious enough to warrant death in the time of war, I shall give you the opportunity to defend yourself.

You have been charged with gross negligence of duty, in the death of many of the soldiers in your command, how do you plead?"
The Captain slowly sank to one knee and looking up, said, "My King , I have been a loyal member of BetterMan and have served you well, the mission to bring the wagons containing the magic metal to you here at King ThundersPlace was of upmost importance. I realize that of the 50 soldiers that were escorting the convoy and that in a fierce battle with the spammers we did indeed lose 18 killed. I do not, in my humble plea, feel that I was in any way, negligent in my duties as the officer in charge.
These men were instructed over and over to keep all coverings securely in place and as we had traveled days and nights, without seeing any sign of the spammers and as the weather was extremely hot, the men, without my knowledge, would pull off pieces of the metal to cool themselves. I realize your Highness, that the ultimate responsibility remains with me as the Officer in charge, but I had two Sergeants that were riding with the soldiers that said nothing to me about this. That it was their bad fortune to be caught at this particular time with parts of their protection removed, when the spammers stuck in a great wave, was beyond my ability to control.
I beg of you my mighty King Arthur to see that we fought gallantly and many, many spammers were deleted and the wagons remained safe."

With this, Captain Kal stood with trembling legs to his full height and looked with as much bravado as he could muster, directly into the eyes of the King.
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[JonPop]

King Arthur, resumed his seat beside King Thunder and said, "Captain Kal, I shall ponder these charges against you and the defense you have presented here today. But until the time that I render judgement, you will remain in custody.

The palace guards moved forward and took the arms of their prisoner, with the Captain protesting loudly as he was being led away.
The King's attention turned to Sir Uberschwanz and he said, "Sir Uberschwanz, you were the first to arrive at the site of the battle between the spammers and the soldiers guarding the wagons, were you not?"
Sir Ubeschwanz strode forward helmet under his arm and said, "Yes your Highness, we arrived shortly after the spammers had retreated. I observed the Captain hiding fearfully, beneath the overturned wagon and many dead soldiers on the ground."
The King said, "And how, Sir Knight do you state that the Captain was hiding in fear?" Sir Uberschwanz answered, "Because he had thrown down his weapons and appeared to have been crying. He was also shaking mightily."
The King said, "Could not this have been from the relief of seeing the arriving Knights and the results of having lost so many soldiers?"
Sir Uberschwanz answered, "No, your HIghness, I have known Captain Kal for many years and this was, in my eyes, an act of cowardice."
The King said, "Thank you Sir Uberschwanz, for your testimony. Now, everyone please clear the room and resume your duties."

There was a great deal of conversations going on as the Knights left the great room.

The wagon loads of the magical metal had been turned over to the Quartermaster of Thunders army to be cut into patterns by the seamstress' and tailors of the Kingdom so they could be applied more easily to the Knights and soldiers when it was time to do battle.

Sir Uberschwanz felt bad that he had to testify against a man he had known for so long and had fought beside, He hoped that the King's judgment would be lenient.
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[JonPop]

The Judgment of Captain Kal was never revealed.

Sir Uberschwanz and the BetterMan Knights wondered aloud amongst themselves for a while, but no one was about to approach King Arthur.
They surmised that if the Captain had been executed, that they would have heard, or if a stiff punishment had been rendered, that he probably would have been held up as an example.

Sir JonPop had been asked several times because he had been present at the verdict, but would just shrug his shoulders and say, "Don't know dude."

This discussion and the fate of Captain Kal were soon forgotten in all the preparations that go into equipping and making an army ready to go to war.

NEXT: The Spammer Battles.

[JonPop]

As it had been days since the arrival of the wagons. The Moderator Knights when they weren't out on scouting missions to locate the new spammer nest, relaxed or slept. Their equipment had been cleaned and polished by their squires and their horses fed and groomed. Many, such as Sir Bret, were partaking in the sexual pleasures that were so freely offered.
Sir JonPop was in his room, sitting at the small table reviewing the battle plan he had drawn up to submit to the Kings, if and when, the new spammers nest was found.

The Queen entered and said, "Sir JonPop, might I ask you a question?" Sir JonPop stood, bowed deeply at the waist and said, "Certainly Queen Thunder, however I may be of service."
The Queen said, "I am told by the hand maidens that attended you at your bath, that you are endowed far larger than the average man, is this true?" Sir JonPop was slightly taken aback at this unexpected question and answered, "I have been told this before, yes."
The Queen said, "I will reveal to you a secret that you must swear to reveal to no one, will you agree?" Sir JonPop said, "I will guard anything you tell me in private, with my life, my Queen."

The Queen sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "My husband, King Thunder is possessed with a very tiny penis, I have been longing for years, filled with sexual desires, that he has not been able to satisfy. I wish for you to fulfill my fantasies and make passionate love to me."

Sir JonPop was almost at a loss for words at this but managed to say, "My Queen, you are of great beauty and you have the shapely body of a very young woman, that you would come to me to fulfill your desires, I am flattered beyond words.
The Queen walked to the door and told her personal guard, "That she was not to be disturbed and he was to forget anything that happened in this room."
She shut the door and came to Sir JonPop and with a very warm kiss and an embrace, started to remove her clothing.

The love making between the Queen and Sir JonPop was earth shattering to say the least.
It was well into the evening that the Queen, finally said, "Sir JonPop, as much as I would like to continue and finally being able to have an orgasm, nay, MANY orgasm's, I am just too sore from your massive penis. I must go to my bath and clean myself before I return to the presence of the King.
She gave Sir JonPop a very deep throated kiss, smiled and said, "I hope that there can be a next time my brave Knight." She hurriedly dressed and left the room.

Sir JonPop continued to lie on the bed thinking about this incredible sexual romp he had just had with Queen Thunder. With a shake of his head, he stood, got dressed and returned to the plans for battle.
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[JonPop]

There was much shouting as Sir Kdub and Sir Stud came riding at full gallop across the draw bridge yelling,
"We have found the nest of the spammers, we have found them.
Many hands were there to help them dismount and as they removed their helmets and handed there lances and shields to their squires, were heard to say, "We must speak to Sir JonPop and the Kings."

They were escorted into the great hall and Sir JonPop was summoned. They stood before the Kings and Sir Kdub said, "Your Highnesses King Arthur and King Thunder and Sir JonPop, as you know I am Scottish, and my brother Knight Sir Stud, says things in such a way as to make me laugh.
We were scouting to the South about 10 kilometers from the Castle, when Sir Stud, in his ceaseless chatter said something that actually made sense."

He said, "Ya know, Sir Dub, If I was a fuckin spammer, I think I'd hide my ass down in the swamps, deep, where ain't nobody would be lookin for my stinkin butt."

"We continued to the edge of the great swamp, and dismounted, leading our mounts using great stealth. The closer we got and the deeper into the swamp we went, the more we could smell the unmistakable order of the spammers."

"We tied our horses and proceed softly until we came upon a great encampment that was brightly lit and buzzing with activity.
We observed many e-mails being sent and reams of spam paper littered the ground. There were many worm holes where Trojan worms were being readied and the stench of virus' being prepared."

King Arthur said, "Sir Kdub and Sir Stud, this is the news we have been waiting for, Please recount all you know of the location, to Sir JonPop and keep yourselves ready for further questioning."
Both of the Knights bowed as best they could and went to remove their armor and find food and drink.
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[JonPop]

A new battle plan was quickly developed based on the information Provided by Sir Kdub and Sir Stud.

The swamp was very large and treacherous and it would be hard to block all of the escape routes.
The plan was relatively simple, the combined armies of BetterMan and the much larger army of Thunders, would form a semi circle entering into the swamp on foot at the point that Sir Kdub said they had come upon the spammer nest. The outer edges of the circle would enter first to squeeze, with the middle entering last, at the point closest to the spammer nest.
The ThundersPlace Moderator Knights would close the circle at the far end of the swamp and cut off and kill the spammers as they emerged.
The BetterMan Knights would be held in reserve to quickly go where needed. They would all wear the new metal protection and would start the assault at first light.

As it was now past midnight, the Kings summoned the Moderator Captains and the Officers of the soldiers to go over the plan and to receive their assignments. There would be no sleeping tonight. The preparation and gathering of all the needed supplies and gear to sustain an army on the move they figured, would take at least 2 hours. The distance was not great as Sir Stud had said that they were only about 10 kilometers South when they found the edge of the swamp.

The Captains of the soldiers figured that they would need about 3 hours for the march on foot and as first light came around 5:30, they should leave as soon as possible from now.

The Captains of the soldiers were dismissed to give the assignments to their NCO's and to make ready their own gear.

The BetterMan Captains, Sir Uberschwanz and Sir Bret, were not happy about being assigned the reserve role, but went to meet with the rest of the Moderator Knights as did the Captains of the ThundersPlace Moderators and the few remaining Moderators from MOS.

Sir Kdub and Sir Stud had estimated the strength of numbers of the spammers to be in the two to three thousand range.

The two Kings and Sir JonPop would ride at the head of the column and direct the battle from 3 points outside the swamp with Sir JonPop commanding the BetterMan reserves. The Kings went to dress in their armor and be fitted with the new metal.

(Let the battle begin.)