A Laugh for the Forum

[JonPop]

Voted best joke in Australia







Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

[JonPop]

Quiet in Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace
and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a
huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road
..Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you
might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the
business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More
'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get
along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming
the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

[JonPop]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a
drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV,
I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[JonPop]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a
baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" He said, "Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover.

However, the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[JonPop]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
It hasn t been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here.

[JonPop]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out without your clothes on."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[JonPop]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to
be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy,
who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel
uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered
to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed
my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
come and get me." I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me
and said, "we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little
test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[damulag]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put

her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken

[remek]

I had to wipe the coffee off my screen on a few of those.

[JonPop]

I'll try and submit a couple a day.