My story 2012 until now.

[Kp84 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kp84]

I thought I'd write my personal story dealing with the demons in the hope that it may help people (and myself) deal with the issue of depression and anxiety as well as hopefully make some aware of what depression and anxiety ACTUALLY IS.

First of all. Depression and anxiety is not just feeling a little down, upset, angry etc, these are normal every day human feelings about our environment and our position at the time of feeling the mentioned moods.

So, here goes. My own experience dealing with the condition.

My life has been quite a bit of a roller-coaster ride in the 33 years I have been on this earth. I'm luck to be here in all honesty, I was born 2.5 months early and weighed a whole 2.3lb when born. But luckily I have some of my dad's genetics and stand around 6' and weight 90kgs at present, I have been upto 105kgs....another story.

I got married at a young age. I was 20 years old just about and things were looking good. I had the woman of my dreams, smart, sexy, fun, hauntingly beautiful and she adored me. I was in my band, we had a great group of friends and the sex was good, fun, spontaneous and plenty. What more could I ask for?
At 21 we had our beautiful daughter, things were still good, nothing really changed apart from we went abroad for my work, we had a very good life.
We came home for a while and then beautiful daughter no2 came. Things started getting more difficult, we went abroad again for work and we again did very well but we never had any time alone to go out, do things together etc.
We came home again and got regular work as the children needed to start school etc.
This is when things really went down. Money was tight, we still had no time alone and living life was getting in the way of our relationship. Evenings were reserved for sleeping only and the occasional months mechanical sex.
Then my son came along. The timing couldn't have been worse, we weren't exactly best friends and I couldn't remember the last time we had sex by the time I found out!
Fast forward 2.5 years.
We had little money, working harder than ever, still hadn't had time together, been out as a couple without the children once in 5 years, sex was a rarity and the arguments were becoming basic conversation.
All in all, life was hell.
I started to become very reserved, short tempered and completely uninterested in my family and work.
I wouldn't talk to people, laugh or do anything.
I started making sure I was alone, I wouldn't have my children around me, and my work colleagues decided I wasn't much fun to be around either.
My wife was telling me I needed help for some time and I saw it as an insult. I didn't feel that I needed help.
After a while, I started having panic attacks over going out of the house. I'd get them on the way to work, on the way home, I didn't want to come home, I certainly couldn't go to the shops to buy food or anything, that was a nightmare above all, that sent me into meltdown.
I would be in crying fits, uncontrollable tears, my face would puff up, my breathing would be so shallow and I'd cramp up with tension and wanted everything to end..... These would come from nowhere and I could be anywhere with anyone.
A friend of mine suggested I see a Dr. This was the first time someone other than my wife said I needed help. He came to me and said so, this wasn't in conversation. He was genuinely worried about how I'd changed.
So off I went.
I had a number of test and questions to do which were so hard, I had a breakdown when asked what was wrong?
I don't remember much about it but my Dr signed me off work for 5 months while I go through recovery.
I went on antidepressants, had counselling round 1 and although the pills stopped much of my breakdowns, along with the counselling, everything that sent me into this state was still there almost flipping me the bird every day and reminding me that they had beaten me and there was nothing I could do about it.
My relationship never got any better and the arguments carried on and basically, I slipped back into the same damn awful life I had always been living.

To be continued......

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Please do.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to the rest of your story.

[Kp84 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kp84]

So things carried on much the same, we were kind of 'just getting on with life', well as far as work, bills, kids and such were concerned, money got tighter, I was still angry with life, short tempered, fed up.... Zero interest in what I used to love, I did nothing in my spare time but down beer and food. I put on a lot of weight as I said I got upto 105Kgs which made my already low self esteem even lower.

You see, my marriage wasn't going well, we had no alone time, this angered me so much. Everything was about work and the children, never me and my wife who once had the most amazing relationship. Things were dead. I told her I no longer loved her. I packed my bags twice and stayed because my children were absolutely distraught and I didn't want to live away from them. I was imprisoned in my own nightmare.
This obviously made things a lot worse between me and my wife. She became extremely distant as a result and I resented my life completely and her the most.
Things carried on as they were only worse.

I was convinced that my wife no longer found me sexy. How could I when all I saw in the mirror was an overweight 30 year old that's angry, can't be around people and had a small dick.
It was around this time that I started having issues with erections. They just weren't happening, not morning wood, not even when mentally aroused, it would try but nothing. I also started suffering badly with turtling. This really messed with my mind. I wasn't using it for sex or even masturbation but for it not to work was like having what made me a man go away. I was too young for impotence, far too young. On top of that I developed very bad premature ejeculation which again made me feel worse.
This is when I found the PEGym and everything penis related. This was something I could work on.
This was followed up by trips to urology and all the associated tests. My meds ( including my blood pressure ones) were mot supposed to cause this.
All tests came out ok and I was given a load of viagra. What use that was when sex was now an annual event which was nothing more than a mechanical act I don't know?

It got to the 3 year mark being on antidepressants. I was still miserable. Still arguing and still so very sad about the lack of intimacy in my life.
I decided that the pills were doing nothing at all. I had my usual Dr meeting and I came off them.
Fast forward 2 weeks....massive meltdown over my relationship.
Huge uncontrollable crying fits, couldn't breath, chest pains etc.
I was also suffering with insomnia, my work was once again suffering.
My Dr at this point wasn't any help. I'd just come off the pills and it would take weeks to get them back into my system. I haven't been back since. That was about 6 months ago.
I am however having more counselling.

I have mixed feelings about counselling. Its effectiveness is questionable but that's my own feelings.

So what now?

Well after many many hours of soul searching and listening to my wife I have had to make some serious changes.

During my depression I drank too much. I went dry for 4 months and now have maybe 2 a month.
I lost my temper at the flick of a switch, now I walk away and scream at the walls.
I spent money I didn't have, got myself into a good few grand in debt. This one is still proving difficult. My wife found out...enough said.
Basically I've had to try and control my feelings and anger which is difficult when all you want to do is hide away or leave everything behind. I still have times like this. I don't think it ever goes away. Its just about controlling your thought processes at the point it angers you so you don't hurt those around you making things harder for yourself in the end.

So, me and my wife have sex once a week if possible. Its not that great amazing fun sex but it's a start. After how I have been my wife of 14 years nearly finds it difficult to relax with me. Fir years I was a complete khunt and I have caused a lot of damage.
I still suffer with premature ejeculation but I'm getting there.
My penis is on the way to where I want it to be and I've lost a lot of weight.
I still have my angry days as does everyone but I'm not thinking of death, leaving my children or wife behind.......... As much. As much. I may go a week, a month but now and then depression pops up and reminds me I have locked it away, not killed it. That, I believe is something that will be next to impossible.

Ive probably missed a lot out. But if anyone has questions. Hit me up and I can ADVISE only based on my own experience and life with the condition.
What people do is completely upto themselves and I cannot or will not be held accountable for others actions.

Keep well friends.

[closed143 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close closed143]

Hey kp! Different tangent altogether than myself, maybe the twists are all the same huh. Keep keeping on. Don't give up on anything that's not worth giving up on. Good Luck.

[Kp84 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kp84]

Gainsearcher, thanks dude.

[Kp84 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kp84]

This rollercoaster of a ride is with me every day.
I don't believe that once you have been diagnosed like I have, you can be healed or have it taken away.
Clinical depression is a brain condition, like a adhd or autism or any other mental illness. It doesn't go away, it's part of who you are. Sure there are times when it's muted and times when it's loud enough to fill an opera hall but it's all about controlling your atmosphere, relationships, rituals, basically everything in life. But it will always be scratching at you under your skin and no matter What, it will break out now and then. I was on just about the strongest antidepressants I could be prescribed and it still showed it's face on a regular basis.
Currently, I am going through a stage of emptiness and sadness once again.
These episodes happen about every 2-3 weeks and last a few weeks.
During this time I manage to self destruct and smash all the hard work put back into rebuilding my marriage.
My wife and I are yet again at the point of giving up after 15 years together....... it's very hard and the issues you create are the same issues that feed the depression. It's like it self feeds on the emotion it creates. The lower you get, the stronger it becomes.
It's in brief times of clarity that allows me to write this down.
Last night I was a complete mess, I couldn't have written this down. I couldn't even talk.
Currently I live in a constant state of mourning. That's the best way to describe it. But that feeling is born of the destruction that I cause, the more I demolish the ones around me, especially my wife, the bigger the Spence of loss I feel which makes me destroy more.
Depression is almost like an addiction to the negative or to pain or to emptiness.
Like a drug user, you want to find a way out but your brain tells you that this drug is part of who you are and so you carry on using all while destroying the word around you. Both can and do end in death. It's the self destructive nature of depressed people, like drug users that does this. The difference being drug users can come clean and never go back. Depressed people can only mute the sorrow. It does come back. It's part of you.
People.who claim to be cured of depression are telling themselves a lie that others have planted in their heads. Namely councilors. These people brave learned to make money off of people's mental health and have to keep working. They also know you will be back as this is the natural cycle of a depressive life. It keeps their house paid for. Councillors are useless. I have had 2 sessions with 2 different councillors. One for 12 weeks and the other for 7. Both said I was cured and ok now thanks to their wonderful work. Bullshit. What they provide is a temporary way to let off steam to an unbiased person, a person you do not know or has any right to judge you. A lot have been through the same journey or are going through it themselves. You tell them your issues, they listen and you walk out a little lighter only to go back to the negative environment you have created the very next turn. Depressed people do not have longer than a few days of relief.

What the problem is with depression is the word depression. It has been taken so far out of context and is used in the wrong way. Someone ruined a shirt with wine, snapped a nail, didn't get a fucking like on face book to feed their self worth, get sad and say they're depressed. Put it all over the internet because gullable people will then feel sorry for them and give them the attention they need via comments, likes, hugs, gifts, anything that feeds their self worth or gives them their fix of physical touch or attention. It's bullshit. They are not depressed. This attitude has caused the world, people who have never struggled with more than a bad mood or bruised ego to missuse and not appreciate the real depression that people like myself live with. It is a mockery of our condition and caused people to say cheer up, you're Ok, get yourself together. Fuck people like that. They have no idea.
We do not want attention, likes, hugs and people's over the top bullshit trying to make us happy so that in turn they feel good about themselves as a good Samaritan.
I'm rambling on. Another sign of a fucked up mental state in a brief window of calm. It will not last though. Believe me. I live this every single God Damned day.