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ED will kill me. Soon.

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  • ED will kill me. Soon.

    Hi everyone,

    This could be long but I guess, even if no one replies, at least it's a way for me to vent and let it all out.

    I am 32 years old. 32. And I have ED. And I truly believe this will be the end of me. If this continues to get worse and robs me of all the things I believe it is going to rob me of, then I will seriously consider unspeakable things.

    This may be a familiar story to some but please bear with me. When I was 21, I was at university, had a night out, met a girl, came home, couldn't keep it up. She didn't respond too well to that. It really ****ed me up. From then on, I was an 'observer' of my own performance, always monitoring my penis' ability to stay hard.

    As time passed, I began to fret more and more about my ability to maintain an erection and with this, my EQ (erection quality) waned. It got progressively worse. But still, I lived on, not really paying too much attention to it. Not compared to now anyway. I had girlfriends here and there and could perform fine. But still, I was always keeping one eye on the 'performance' factor.

    In 2010, I became sick, very sick. And I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I had a brain tumour. I had to undergo a year's worth of treatment. High dose chemo, even a stem cell transplant. Thankfully, I was saved. By the grace of God and modern medicine. I had a partner at the time and she stuck with me, bless her. Even at this time, I could perform, unaided.

    When the treatment was complete they asked me if anything else was bothering me. I said yes, actually, my penis has a hard time staying erect. And so they referred me to the urology team. There they did the colour Doppler ultrasound. It was a cold environment, so medical. I was told to lie down, I was injected and told to wait to become erect. Well, I produced a meagre reaction. And a positive EDV was noted. I was diagnosed with a 'mild' venous leak without any hint of being told how or why or what might be causing it. It was such a horrible environment. Ironically, I remember leaving the department and later having an erection that wouldn't quit!

    I was told to start Cialis 5mg daily. But I stayed off it wanting to be a hero. One day while with my girlfriend of the time however, I wanted to be assured of performance. Obviously, it worked amazingly. And thus, I was hooked.

    Eventually we broke up and this brought with it all the stress of being a man with a mild form of ED hunting for a new girlfriend in the relationship market place. When my first encounter came along, I just HAD to use Cialis to be assured a positive performance. It worked great. Now, I was hooked.

    Fast forward to 2013, I wanted to put this issue to be and try to get off the drugs. Not knowing why I had this 'venous leak' I sought out a specialist team in London - St Peter's Andrology. I said my piece and they ran the same ultrasound test. This time it was performed differently. I was told to massage the injected agent in and every time he stepped out, I was allowed to fondle myself for maximum stimulation. Lo and behold! I was told my PSV was huge and my outflow was negative. I was told I had no venous leakage and a mind that won't quit. Plan: Carry on with Cialis, find an understanding partner and hopefully it will go away or if not seak psychosexual counselling.

    I did neither.

    I carried on with my 'as and when' lifestyle of different women, using Cialis all the time. But in recent times, just over a year ago in fact, I have met the woman I want to settle with.

    For a year the sex has been amazing. Cialis has been serving me well 98% of the time. But lately, in the heat of the moment, I didn't take the pills. And I failed. The erection was so soft. I was gutted.

    I opened up to her about everything and she is being so so so so supportive even going to far as to say things like 'well if it gets that bad we'll just use toys and vibrators' but I know that she is a young woman. She will tire of a man with ED and eventually want a real man who can **** her wherever, whenever. I had to refuse sex in the shower last night because I know I can't keep it up while standing. FML.

    A month ago, I saw another specialist male sexual consultant at London Andrology. For a third and what I hoped was final diagnosis. Same test, similar result to St Peters. No venous leakage, no veno-occlusive disorder. This despit my erectile fading so quickly during the test. I don't understand that bloody ultrasound test at all! Anyway, I was told, again; my penis is in perfect working order.

    But here is my main problem people. I KNOW it isn't. But I don't know WHY. I am in no man's land, stuck between specialist doctors telling me my penis is fine and me knowing it isn't and being unable to believe them.

    - I get morning wood about 3-5% of the time. 3-5%!! - The mere thought of my penis standing to attention whilst stood up is a dream.
    - I always have pain, or rather a dull ache in my penis after ejaculation.

    These facts scream PHYSICAL cause. And we all know about 80% of cases have a phsyical cause. Now I can believe that my mental block is now huge enough to warrant these things but I just can't believe it is solely responsible.

    Now since the other night when I failed, I am even so so anxious on the Cialis and yes, that has an effect. Now I lose my stiffness a lot quicker, even with the drug. To me, this was my last line of defence. I've always said just popping a pill is okay because many people have to take a daily pill.

    But now I can't even be assured of that and it's affecting my mood and behaviour. I feel at a loss. I feel like this is the end. Like I'm going to have to face up to some very very very hard decisions. If I could truly rule out every possible physical cause then I would begin the psychosexual counselling. I am perfectly willing to do so. But it is so hard to rule out everything.

    I have had 3 ultrasounds now. 2 saying I'm fine and have no VL. I had bloods 3 years ago. Is this enough. I don't think so.

    - I have a lump under the skin of my shaft which is very small but still, lump.
    - I have had a thrush like coating on my tongue for as long as I can remember. But obviously nothing that the doctors deem to be worrying.

    Tomorrow I will visit my family doctor and tell him everything and try to establish overall phsyical health.

    I just feel like this vicious cycle is falling deeper and deeper into the black hole of ED hell. I really don't know what to do.

    If I lose my girlfriend, I will kill myself. What use will I be. How will I ever find fulfilling love? I can already feel the impact of my news seeping into her mind. If she doesn't leave me for this, she will likely leave me due to my depressive way of looking at this and life in general.

    I'm so sorry this was so long. But that's where I'm at right now. I'm lost. Utterly, totally lost. I really feel like erectile dysfunction, will kill me.

  • #2
    This forum is not equipped to handle suicide-oriented discussions, and it is not appropriate that we do so. Please understand that we all want to be helpful.... but this sort of thing is best dealt with by professionals.


    To any member in need: if you are having thoughts of suicide please call [US] 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or visit National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - With Help Comes Hope for immediate assistance.
    Lifeline

    A list of suicide prevention hotlines for each region and country.
    International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) - Resources: Crisis Centers

    more here:
    https://www.pegym.com/forums/introdu...ml#post1054963
    Valued Member of 11 years at the TheBiohacker
    Looks are deceiving, mirrors don't lie.

    Comment


    • #3
      With regrets, I am closing this thread.

      Please make use of the links in the previous post.


      If you want to start a new thread, discussing possible solutions, etc...please do. We are not going to have a thread with other users attempting to deal with a very serious problem.

      Dangler
      Sr Admin.
      Valued Member of 11 years at the TheBiohacker
      Looks are deceiving, mirrors don't lie.

      Comment

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