i need advice i think my husband has ED

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

hello, i found that forum trying to find answers online and wasn't able.

i believe my husband has (mild) ED or something is off.

we have an active sex life we have been married less than a year and are having sex often many times once a day and others less frequently.

now i will need to give you some more personal information maybe you understand what is going on since the first time we were intimate i noticed that he jumped to give me oral sex and mastrubated while he was doing it so much that the bed was trembling it was the first time i ever noticed something like that in my sex life never before someone had to do that and obviously it threw me of but i decided to be polite and pretend i didn't understand anything. when he got hard or hard enough we had sex. i though because it was the first time he might have stress and couldn't get hard easy and wanted the extra help.

but since then I've noticed many times that he doest get hard very fast and takes extra effort also i have noticed he does mens kegels (understood that after looking for it online) probably to increase blood flow when i do oral sex to him. many times even with Kegel and me performing oral sex he couldn't get hard so he resorted to going down and mastrubate.

anyway long story short i discussed some times about him not getting hard and he told me that it is mental because of stress and nothing to be worried and if we talk about it it will make it worse because he will think about it more. the other thing i have noticed is that he will perform oral sex only when he needs to mastrubate to get hard.never without mastrubation. which makes it unenjoyable for me because i think at that moment if he has ED or not that he prefers his hand than my foreplay he isn't into me etc....

i don't know if my suspicions that something is going wrong are right because in the end he can have sex but only if he mastrubates alone or use his muscles by doing kegels. he seems sensitive to the subject so i haven't really talked about it again after a couple of tries and him saying everything is ok and we have lots of sex which is accurate but i am concerned on what it takes to have sex.

other times i think that maybe he is used of doing that so it is comfortable.

i would be interested read your opinions.

i feel very weird about it and don't feel like being intimate many times.

also my husband is 45 years old incase it is of any importance.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

Is your husband circumcised? My opinion is that if it works with his hand and he can get an erection that way, it's better not to make a big deal out of it. At least he knows a way to make it work which is better than none.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Is he on any medications?

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

hello,
yes he is!

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

no medication. i have noticed he has varicose veins in his leg which some suggest can be related.
also he has quit smoking and he doesn't drink

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

I don't want to speculate so I'll just relate with my personal experiences.

The more time between sexual encounters, the better the erections. Having sex multiple times in a day can be challenging sometimes because I can't stay hard.

If I have a hard time getting hard, giving oral while grind the bed gets me hard most of the time.

Frequent masturbation makes it difficult to have good erections later with someone else.

Diet and weight plays a big role in erection quality.

Kegels work for me and is recommended and encouraged here in the forums for optimal performance.


It's not fun but maybe wait a few days to have sex and see if there is any improvement.

Ask him if he masturbates often when you aren't together or if he used to masturbate a lot. Go from there.

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

his diet is very healthy, doesn't eat junk food we very often we eat healthy at home his weight is normal a few pounds over what he wants and finds ideal but not overweight. he doesn't mastrubate when we are together only we have sex. when i am not with him and travel he does mastrubate, some times twice back to back from what he has told me.
i do try for us to abstain but he seems interested to have it on a daily basis or every other day. but 99 out of 100 times he does kegels or mastrubates.

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

Hey Jenn, welcome to the forum. I started having ED issues in my early 40’s, the first thing I had to do was accept it, not an easy thing to do for a man. You have to admit to yourself your not viril as you were. Once I made that leap I talked to my doc and started on Viagra. A huge game changer for both of us. That was 15 years ago and still going strong.

So, advise.

Talk to him. I know, you haven’t been together that long. We’ve been married 31 years now and she never talked to me about her frustrations. She just lived with my limp dick in the bedroom for several wasted years. Yes, my wife had some of your issues, feeling like it was her fault, ‘You just don’t find me attractive anymore.’ Jen, it ain’t your fault, it’s not his either, it just life and age, but there is help here. There are other cures other than meds. I know. So, how do I get him here? Again, talk to him. Good luck. This is a difficult issue for us guys but facing it is the first step.

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

thank you for the advice i will try to address the subject delicately because i do understand it is hard for him but he thinks there is nothing there since we can have sex and that i focus on the negative. but from my experience i have never had a man need to do kegels or mastrubate to get hard. we are also trying to get pregnant with no luck so far which makes me even more worried if there is a problem he should check it out and see some treatment.

[closed291 Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Member of the Month June 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed291]

Hi Jenny,

Thanks for joining us.

You could also have him join us here if he is comfortable with that. We would love to help him.

In large (pun intended), your patience and understanding will go a long way than nagging him. You can open up the subject gently. If you need suggestions for open communication, I recommend looking up any materials from The Gottsman Institute.

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

he doesn't believe there is any problem and a couple of times i have asked has it happen before to you etc he tells me it is nothing maybe I'm stressed today and its been a couple of times in so many times we have be intimat. keep in mind i haven't addressed the fact i know every time we are intimate he need to do kegels or mastrubate because i don want his to feel uncomfortable, sometimes he has to stops having sex and goes down again to mastrubate again probably to the point of almost climaxing because after a few seconds inside he climaxes.
i am very confused and i son want to be insensitive or have a very open discussion because if i do i am afraid it will be worst for him. and when i have discussed its he says it makes him think of it more and makes it worst and with time it will be better
do you believe he really believes everything is alright? because everyone knows their body the best...usually you know if something is off and seek an answer or go to an expert..

[tank0909 Senior Member Member of the Month Jan. 2019 Find all posts View Profile Close tank0909]

... when i am not with him and travel he does mastrubate, some times twice back to back from what he has told me...

This part stands out to me. Add what you said about the bed moving while he masturbates and gives oral, it's possible he may be desensitized. Was he single for a while before you met? He seems to have a pretty healthy libido, but the long term effects of the technique he uses to masturbate may be a contributing factor. That's the physical part. The mental part is what you've already mentioned in your first post... he's thinking about it when he starts to lose his erection.

These are just a couple of things in a long list of potential causes.

[Nightforce Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Nightforce]

his diet is very healthy, doesn't eat junk food we very often we eat healthy at home his weight is normal a few pounds over what he wants and finds ideal but not overweight. he doesn't mastrubate when we are together only we have sex. when i am not with him and travel he does mastrubate, some times twice back to back from what he has told me.
i do try for us to abstain but he seems interested to have it on a daily basis or every other day. but 99 out of 100 times he does kegels or mastrubates.

Welcome to the forum Jenny.

First thing I see here is that he eats healthy and doesn't drink. Feed him a nice juicy thick steak, medium rare, large pile of mashed potatoes with gravy AND butter, leave the green stuff off the plate, and have him wash it down with a nice bottle of Shiraz. Aperitif should be a nice 18 year old single malt scotch, neat. Guaranteed to raise any mans staff....or give him Whiskey D*ck and put him to sleep. LOL

Sorry, just had to joke a bit.

Lots of good advice already submitted and sure to follow. I do agree, talk to him about it! I went through a bit of issues myself, stress related, where I could get an erection but couldn't finish. My wife said nothing, not even a simple question as to why, which worsened the problem because I felt like she didn't care at all. Communication is key.

Also, frequency could be an issue with him. I know I 'say' I would love to have sex daily, but in reality, at 46, daily would be nice for short stints, but I'm probably only good for every other day or every few days as a routine now. If frequency is an issue, and you're comfortable with it, ask him if he'd just like to watch you masturbate or ask him to perform oral without him feeling like he needs to also finish. I know I'd love for my wife to more vocal about her needs.

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

thats something i have though of too initially if he has a special technique or if when he does it alone it relaxes him. but on the other hand he want oral sex and does kegels to become hard and i instantly see the effects of the kegel. he says i do it very nicely because i have asked if he wants me to adjust something etc.
he wasn't single he had an open relationship with a woman same age like him that he never had any serious intention and had told her.
keep in mind i am 18 years younger than my husband.
so sort answer he wasn't single i believe they saw each other a couple of times per week.

[Jenny121314 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jenny121314]

i will try to keep our intimacy to every 3 days but he is the ones that asks for it most of the time i am fine with having less sex.
anyway i will try to have less often and see if that makes any difference.