Good Article Regarding Sexual Performance Anxiety

[Rando]

Just came across an interesting article that discusses sexual performance anxiety, the reasons for it, and possible solutions. Admittedly I'm making this post partly for selfish reasons, I think that by writing down my reactions to the article that I can somewhat overcome my own sexual performance anxiety. The more I read about this issue, the more I think it's an anxiety problem for me as opposed to mainly one related to overuse of porn and too much masturbation (although this could still be a bit of the issue). I'm mid-20s, can get and keep a rock hard erection for hours on end when by myself, but with a girl it tends to wax and wane and is never quite rock hard.

Anyway, here is the article: Understanding Performance Anxiety

As far as the things that jumped out at me and my interpretations:

1) "Sexual performance anxiety can start from a very brief simple event even in very stable, emotionally healthy individuals. Sometimes even a single time in which the man loses an erection can be enough to raise doubts and cause anxiety the next time."

Performance anxiety is definitely something that can instantly creep up out of nowhere. In the past if I had a sexual encounter that maybe wasn't up to my standards, then it can easily cause me to question myself during my next sexual encounter, then all of a sudden I've created an endless loop that doesn't seem to stop. Performance anxiety is something that you need to stay on top of, lest it take over after one single event.

2) "Anxiety is intended by Nature to be a warning system of a threat or danger. In such cases, your brain becomes alert, your muscles tense for running or battle and other parts of your body, such as digestion, shut down while you are in stand-by mode. In the sexual situation, if our warning system tells us that there may be a problem then we are more likely to have a problem. The warning system causes the problem. This is a self fulfilling fear."

This was probably the most interesting part to me. Basically, if you are wondering if there will be a problem with your sexual performance...then there will be a problem, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I need to learn to just "go with the flow" when it comes to sex and just enjoy the whole process without wondering how I'm going to get her off or whether I'll be able to get a rock hard erection, which tend to take you out of the situation, make it less enjoyable, and can lead to anxiety.

3) "A man's warning system releases chemicals that interfere with his sexual performance. We were not made to be anxious and have sex at the same time."

"We were not made to be anxious and have sex at the same time" really made a lot of sense to me. Our bodies are designed for "fight or flight" type reactions to bad situations and if we are overly nervous or anxious about sex then we're basically telling our body that this is a "bad" situation. Our bodies couldn't care less how much blood our penis is getting in a "bad" situation. So the obvious solution is to view sex as a fun or "good" situation.

4) "Performance anxiety causes the man to focus on the mechanics of sex rather than the pleasure, sensations and excitement. They are thinking about sex rather than enjoying it. Sex is best when you can shut the mind off and stop thinking."

I have certainly been guilty of this. At times, I'll have a list of new techniques in mind that I think will get my partner off, but treating sex in such a mechanical way as if it's some kind of duty is extremely counter-productive. Going forward I will try to stay in the moment and not have a plan for how things are gonna go, but instead be wholly immersed in the situation.

5) "When the man's performance becomes less important he's not going to be thinking so much about it. He'll be experiencing other things like erotic sensations, sexual pleasure or the emotional closeness between the two people. Without the worries, most men will begin to actually enjoy the experience of sex which will result in arousal. This is an example of reverse psychology! The less you care about your arousal the better it will be."

Interesting quote "The less you care about your arousal the better it will be." You can't force an erection and trying to do so will only make the task more difficult. I guess it's kinda the same principle as picking up women. The less desperate you are about picking up a girl, the more confident you will come off b/c you aren't too invested in whether or not she approves of you b/c you know there will be others.

This is quite a long post, but I hope maybe it will shed more light on the psychological aspect of ED. I think this forum tends to dwell on the abuse of porn or masturbation, which can certainly be a problem, but the anxiety aspect of ED should not be overlooked either. I know from my own experience that if it has been a month or two since I last got laid, then I will start to put way too much pressure on the next performance, which I realize now is completely counterproductive and producing the opposite outcome of what I would like.

[second lensman]

well done Rando, greenie for you.

[Hockey_NY]

This may be a great help...Thanks

[Samurai]

Repped, Rando. Excellent article.

[Koh]

"I'm mid-20s, can get and keep a rock hard erection for hours on end when by myself, but with a girl it tends to wax and wane and is never quite rock hard."

I'm the exact opposite though, I'm 20, can hardly get it up, nevertheless rock hard by myself; however, with a girl, I can keep a rock hard erection forever...

Reps nonetheless, I think when I'm by myself, I'm trying too hard to force the erection.

[Pegasus]

Unfortunately guys often don't want to confront head issues.

[TJM19]

Great post man! Too bad completely changing your mindset is a lot harder then one may think. But it is so true that guys with performance anxiety like myself think about the mechanics of sex like getting an erection more then the sensations. The only way I can think of reversing this is meditation and just finding a partner you are comfortable with.

[Koh]

Unfortunately guys often don't want to confront head issues.

I'm more than willing too. I've been putting in effort to change myself this year.

Working out more, becoming more passionate in my passions, talking to more people, writing down/speaking out positive affirmations 9x a day, trying to get better quality of sleep.

[Rando]

"I'm mid-20s, can get and keep a rock hard erection for hours on end when by myself, but with a girl it tends to wax and wane and is never quite rock hard."

I'm the exact opposite though, I'm 20, can hardly get it up, nevertheless rock hard by myself; however, with a girl, I can keep a rock hard erection forever...

Reps nonetheless, I think when I'm by myself, I'm trying too hard to force the erection.

Wow, that's a bit odd, wonder how common that is. I just take erections by myself for granted at this point, it's when I'm with a girl that I start to question myself a bit and wonder if the erection will come, which of course ends up being an erection killer.

Great post man! Too bad completely changing your mindset is a lot harder then one may think. But it is so true that guys with performance anxiety like myself think about the mechanics of sex like getting an erection more then the sensations. The only way I can think of reversing this is meditation and just finding a partner you are comfortable with.

I agree that it's a difficult task just completely changing your mindset, but I'm hoping that recognizing the problem and understanding the cause/effect relationship that certain thought patterns have will at least be a good head start. Like you, I meditate at times, but I need to be a lot more consistent. Next time I get laid, I'm just gonna pretend like it's one of my meditation sessions where any thoughts that come into my head are recognized...and then dismissed. If you don't dwell on a thought, then it can't have much effect on you. I'll try to lose myself completely in the touches, smells, sights, and feel of sex.

Beyond those things, I think it's just like confidence issues in general where you just have to love who you are at your core before you can be confident around others. You might go to the gym, eat better, sleep well, get a haircut and dress nice to overcome general anxiety, so for sexual performance anxiety I'll treat it the same way by doing my Kegels in private, limiting masturbation/porn abuse, sleeping well, and just being happy with who I am and I think that should translate well to overcoming both general and sexual anxiety.

Unfortunately guys often don't want to confront head issues.

This may be true, but I also think it's a lot easier to confront physical problems b/c there is an obvious solution. Porn abuse? Stop watching porn. Weak erections in general? Work on a kegel routine.

However, with this type of problem, there isn't an obvious solution that you can just start working on to correct the problem. I guess the stuff I've written above might help, but if anyone can share their methods for overcoming the mental anxiety issues associated with sex, I'm all ears.

[Hockey_NY]

Especially at a young age and if you are relatively healthy (even with no form of PE), if you are having issues in the bedroom, chances are it is mental. With the added pressures and stresses of life and expectations of sex, it is probably more common than one would think. It's an area where professional porn has hurt us, where we see guys rock hard for 20-30 min vids with ladies, doing various positions, lasting forever, etc.

No one can really help you (or anyone) specifically since so much can trigger it, Rando. But as you say yourself, a good start is making sure that you are confident in most areas of your life and generally happy. But even a confident guy who has one embarrassing time in bed may carry it to the next time, etc.

Also as you note, it is frustrating because this could even impact very healthy males who have no health issues at all and should theoretically have no problem in this area.