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Ok, so. Here's my story. I would truly appreciate any help anyone could give me. Apologies for the length.
I've been suffering from ED for about half a year now. I'm one month shy of 21 years old, I eat well, exercise regularly, and don't smoke. I do drink, but my habits haven't changed since the ED started.
My story begins about 8 months ago, when my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. We had been having sex on an almost daily basis for the second half of our relationship, and I never had any impotence problems. Of course, after everything ended, I was emotionally shaken, and very upset. That summer, I traveled to Russia to study. I met a girl there, and after a few times hanging out, went home with her. Well, after drinking a good amount of whiskey, things started to get heated. To my horror, I couldn't get it up. I was completely mortified, as this was the first time it ever happened. Needless to say, the rest of the night was embarrassing, I had no idea what was going on due to ignorance, and I just wanted out of there. She was really nice about it, but it didn't help at all.
Fast forward a few months. I had a few hook-ups, but they didn't ever lead to sex, so I didn't really think much of what happened. I wasn't in the mood to date, so that whole part just kind of left my life for a bit. Around December, I finally began to date a girl who had an incredibly high sex-drive. Like, she wanted it about 4 times a day, right off the bat. I was intimidated as she was much more experienced than I, and every time we'd get intimate, my mind just kept replaying the incident in Russia. I couldn't give her everything she wanted. We managed to have sex about 60% of the time, while the other times it just wouldn't work. Sometimes, I'd get it up and it'd go away pretty quickly, while other times I wouldn't even get hard at all. This bothered me, so much. I began to look for reasons why this was happening. I wanted to know exactly what was going on with me. I chalked it up to depression, but then I couldn't determine what was first, the depression or the ED. It really destroyed and has been destroying me mentally.
She broke up with me a few months later, which was nothing surprising or nothing too saddening. Ever since then, however, I've been petrified to get into intimate situations with any girls. This has confused the hell out of me; my libido is low and it's hard for me to be turned on, even without a girl present, which has made me believe I'm asexual, or gay, but after much searching I know that neither of these things are true. I know I want sex, I'm just afraid of what will happen when I try to get it. I've recently started seeing another girl and we've had opportunities, but I just try to avoid them. My body will start getting aroused but then my mind kicks and says "nope" and everything goes away completely and won't return. Other times, even when I'm around her alone and we're just talking, my mind starts to race about there being even the slightest possibility of intimacy and of me not working. I have an extremely overpowering mind, and I'm starting to think I have minor anxiety problems. I know this is all just performance anxiety, it's just a bad bout.
Has anyone else had performance anxiety that was this bad? Has anyone been stuck in the vicious cycle this deeply? Now, I associate sex with failure in my mind; even if I see a hot girl on the street and I think, "she'd be nice to have", my immediate afterthought is "nah, you can't, you wouldn't be able to get it up and aroused". It's like, instead of getting horny at random times, I start to think about my impotence randomly. It's absolutely horrible, and really weighing down on my life and mental happiness.
I guess it's important to note that I don't look at porn very often, but I used to masturbate about twice a day (I stopped three days ago to see what would happen). Can anyone offer any bit of help at all, any meditation techniques to be able to get over my mind? I would truly appreciate it. Again, I am very sorry for this essay.
I've been suffering from ED for about half a year now. I'm one month shy of 21 years old, I eat well, exercise regularly, and don't smoke. I do drink, but my habits haven't changed since the ED started.
My story begins about 8 months ago, when my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. We had been having sex on an almost daily basis for the second half of our relationship, and I never had any impotence problems. Of course, after everything ended, I was emotionally shaken, and very upset. That summer, I traveled to Russia to study. I met a girl there, and after a few times hanging out, went home with her. Well, after drinking a good amount of whiskey, things started to get heated. To my horror, I couldn't get it up. I was completely mortified, as this was the first time it ever happened. Needless to say, the rest of the night was embarrassing, I had no idea what was going on due to ignorance, and I just wanted out of there. She was really nice about it, but it didn't help at all.
Fast forward a few months. I had a few hook-ups, but they didn't ever lead to sex, so I didn't really think much of what happened. I wasn't in the mood to date, so that whole part just kind of left my life for a bit. Around December, I finally began to date a girl who had an incredibly high sex-drive. Like, she wanted it about 4 times a day, right off the bat. I was intimidated as she was much more experienced than I, and every time we'd get intimate, my mind just kept replaying the incident in Russia. I couldn't give her everything she wanted. We managed to have sex about 60% of the time, while the other times it just wouldn't work. Sometimes, I'd get it up and it'd go away pretty quickly, while other times I wouldn't even get hard at all. This bothered me, so much. I began to look for reasons why this was happening. I wanted to know exactly what was going on with me. I chalked it up to depression, but then I couldn't determine what was first, the depression or the ED. It really destroyed and has been destroying me mentally.
She broke up with me a few months later, which was nothing surprising or nothing too saddening. Ever since then, however, I've been petrified to get into intimate situations with any girls. This has confused the hell out of me; my libido is low and it's hard for me to be turned on, even without a girl present, which has made me believe I'm asexual, or gay, but after much searching I know that neither of these things are true. I know I want sex, I'm just afraid of what will happen when I try to get it. I've recently started seeing another girl and we've had opportunities, but I just try to avoid them. My body will start getting aroused but then my mind kicks and says "nope" and everything goes away completely and won't return. Other times, even when I'm around her alone and we're just talking, my mind starts to race about there being even the slightest possibility of intimacy and of me not working. I have an extremely overpowering mind, and I'm starting to think I have minor anxiety problems. I know this is all just performance anxiety, it's just a bad bout.
Has anyone else had performance anxiety that was this bad? Has anyone been stuck in the vicious cycle this deeply? Now, I associate sex with failure in my mind; even if I see a hot girl on the street and I think, "she'd be nice to have", my immediate afterthought is "nah, you can't, you wouldn't be able to get it up and aroused". It's like, instead of getting horny at random times, I start to think about my impotence randomly. It's absolutely horrible, and really weighing down on my life and mental happiness.
I guess it's important to note that I don't look at porn very often, but I used to masturbate about twice a day (I stopped three days ago to see what would happen). Can anyone offer any bit of help at all, any meditation techniques to be able to get over my mind? I would truly appreciate it. Again, I am very sorry for this essay.
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