My SO has ED, newbie seeking advice...

[cf86]

Hey cf86!

How many times have you and your SO attempted intercourse and under what circumstances did they occur? If you remain supportive and the next time the "opportunity" arises, assure him you are not looking for penetration, but rather are mostly interested in an erotic touchy/feely experience. Once relaxed and enjoying each other's bodies, perhaps the little guy will want to come up and play.

At least a dozen times since we moved past the initial stage of our relationship and onto sex, which has been about three months now. The circumstances have varied: my house and his, varying times throughout the day, when he's well-rested and when he's tired and somewhere in between. He's also tried abstaining from masturbation between attempts (the longest time was a week). I don't know if those are the kind of circumstances you were referring to, so if not please clarify and I'll be more than willing to provide those details.

"...the next time the 'opportunity' arises..." is what is so frustrating to me. I literally feel like I'm placing a burden on him by wanting sexual interaction even without penetration, and he's also very good at avoiding said opportunities. Sometimes, when he's talking about our plans for the day, I'll mention very matter-of-factly that I'm good with whatever gets me laid sometime before the day ends. Other times I'll just sit back and see how the day plays out, hoping for an opportunity to start something. In the first scenario, he smiles and says yes, we'll definitely make time for that to happen, but it rarely does. In the second, he comes up with an excuse to avoid whatever advances I make, like saying, okay, before we continue, let me take a nap, or I'm going to take a shower, or reminding me of something else we were going to do that takes precedence. I've told him numerous times and very bluntly that I'm okay with intimacy that doesn't involve penetration, but it seems to do nothing.

It's not all about sex; I really enjoy spending time with him, and he loves just sitting around holding me and being close. Our relationship at this point would be relatively 'perfect' if not for the sex issue.

Prior to sex, when our relationship resembled that of shy teenagers (LOL), he made me feel attractive and sexy and desirable and all of the things I had lacked in my previous relationships. Now, though, the one thing I don't like the most is how I find myself questioning whether he really is attracted to me. I'm not a 10 by any means, but I'd like to believe I'm a solid 6.5-7 in my category (God, that sounds so f-ing terrible, but I don't know how else to put it!). He was obviously attracted to me before, but I can't help wondering if something has turned him off somehow. I'm an extreme gusher, so part of me considers the possibility that he finds that disgusting or something. I had weight issues when I was younger so I have a lot of stretch mark scars and some loose skin on my arms and abdomen, so maybe it has something to do with that. I know it most likely doesn't, but at the same time I can't help wondering.

Neither one of us is perfect, not by any means, but I really like him and care about him and I want to share this part of a relationship with him. I know I could break things off and move on, but aside from the sex issue I feel a comfort with him that I haven't really felt with anyone else, at least not for a long time. I'd hate to walk away from something that seems to hold some promise just because of sex, but because sex is so important to me I know that's gonna be the inevitable end if this doesn't get dealt with.

Thanks for the replies, and I'm sorry to unload so much emotional crap!

[mulkey]

I was with a girl years ago that was too passionate sometimes and it would shut me down. She recognized what was happening and held back her passion some. If your real passionate it could possibly put him on overload. Just a thought.

[cf86]

I was with a girl years ago that was too passionate sometimes and it would shut me down. She recognized what was happening and held back her passion some. If your real passionate it could possibly put him on overload. Just a thought.

Can you elaborate? What do you mean by passionate? Like insatiable? And why did it shut you down?

[aBone2pick]

Don't worry about yourself. Trying to modify your own personality to suit someone else's likings is not really sustainable. It sounds like the problem lies with him. Does he watch a lot of porn? If so, does he like strange porn? Is he into fetishes that perhaps he is shy abouy disclosing?

Other possibilities... is he religious or was he raised very religiously? That could certainly hold him back. Also, how old are you guys roughly (no need to be specific).

[Party]

Hey 86. Ok so I have ED, I take lots of meds for high blood pressure and cholesterol , occasionally a shot of cotizon in the knees. I'm early fifties, a bit over weight, blah , blah.... It happens. Viagra was a game changer. Don't know how old he is but don't think for one minute he isn't attracted to you and wants to F... The Sh.. Out of you. So stop your self doubting right now. That's very unattractive, be confident in yourself and show him how proud you are to be with him. When my ED first started I was ashamed and embarrassed, I would come up with excuses and things we needed to do so there was no time. In stead of going home I'd suggest, let's go shopping, go out to eat, go to the casino, hang out on our boat , etc. Unfortunately she went along with it when I just really needed her to praise me alittle, build me up, as I was feeling lower than low. Your man feels that way now, and if you love him, then he's your man, own it, own him. He needs you to think of him as a man, treat him as such, every where you go, a simple kiss or ass grab goes a long way towards confidence. BUT the most thing a man requires even more than love is respect. If you disrespect him he's gonna have a limp bisquit for quite awhile

[mulkey]

When we were having intercourse. It's hard to explain. She was just doing a lot of moaning I guess and she was super turned on. Maybe thrusting too hard. I think it might have just caught me by surprise. It only happened that one time. I would probably like it now. That was 20 + years ago. I had been single for a long time and I know that taking matters into your own hands for years can have some effect.

[cf86]

I don't have a lot of details about what kind of porn he's into, but as far as I know it's nothing strange. I've wondered if there may be things he's shy about discussing, but delving into that would be conjecture at this point.

He's agnostic but was raised in a religious environment. I'm in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's.

[mannakonda]

I am too tired to read all the comments, so sorry if I repeat what anybody else have said.
In my experience quitting porn for 2-3 weeks helped A LOT, it really rebooted me. After some time I have experienced that sound/moaning really turns me on. Ask him to try porn without sound, or you can try be a little more vocal (not faking).
Or buy some viagra and after a few good rounds he might be ready to do it without it, having a few good experience could make him "forget" the problem (worked for me).

[cf86]

So stop your self doubting right now. That's very unattractive, be confident in yourself and show him how proud you are to be with him.

Thank you!

Unfortunately she went along with it when I just really needed her to praise me alittle, build me up, as I was feeling lower than low. Your man feels that way now, and if you love him, then he's your man, own it, own him. He needs you to think of him as a man, treat him as such, every where you go, a simple kiss or ass grab goes a long way towards confidence. BUT the most thing a man requires even more than love is respect. If you disrespect him he's gonna have a limp bisquit for quite awhile

You said she went along with it when you really needed her to praise you and build you up. What do you mean? Sexually or just in general? What kind of praise/build up? And, more importantly, how do I NOT go along with it?

Okay, I feel really dumb asking this, but whatever: how do I make him feel like a man? We're a little imbalanced as far as skills go (I'm a self-described jack of all trades, master of none), but he's never had any problem complimenting me on that fact and it doesn't seem to bother him. Maybe I'm clueless? How do I make him feel what I feel about his masculinity?

It actually seemed like he was more turned on before I was turned on, if that makes sense. I knew that once we crossed the threshold of sex I was gonna be wanting it all the time, which I told him from the start. Then, once that door was opened, it seemed like he suddenly wasn't interested. Could that be it? Do guys not like being dragged into the bedroom and taken advantage of unless it's their idea?

[closed224]

To clarify in your original post you said the two of you were together and he had no problem getting it up, but when penetration started he lost it. For me I heard he was into everything except penetration. With that being the case I would say focusing on the good sexual activities (and by good I simply mean the things that Dont impact his erection) then he might get over some of his anxiety.
Also realize that an offhand comment may seem insignificant to those of us who say it,but depending on the listener it can be huge. Try to not attempt showing the desire for penetration, but instead do what works and show him how manly he is to you. Respect him always including enough not to ask for what he clearly cannot provide yet. If he feels successful he may become more confident and be able to enjoy penetration.
Porn could very well be an issue. It often changes our perceptions of sex in such a way that we lose the ability to engage in normal activities.
I want you to know how special it is that you are trying to be supportive. Thank you for being a great person.