My SO has ED, newbie seeking advice...

[Party]

When I said she went along with it I ment she didn't do anything to initiate sex. She was ok with out it, which just made my problems worse, a wife that doesn't desire me. In hind site now she has told me she was going crazy. She didn't know how to help me and didn't want to press the issue so I would be embarrassed later when I couldn't get hard. I wouldn't blame her right now if she had cheated on me then. I think there is a strong possibility especially after I know now what a multi orgasmic jewel she is. Do a little googling. "How to make love to a man?" Or "What men expect from their women/wives?" Etc. After watching porn I sometimes have insecurity issues when I'm with her. "How could I ever give her pleasure with my little dick?" Or "I must be small she never pays attention to my dick like the gal in the movie". Good luck. Just relax. Both of you. Love eachother. It will cum

[phoenix09]

It might help to try being naked together in situations that aren't inherently sexual. It sounds like he has a complex problem, and the best way would be to get him on here, maybe you can find away for him to stumble onto it. Talking about the problem is certainly the first step, but it needs to be carefully approached so it doesn't harm the confidence that he has, perhaps approaching the topic by discussing what might make HIM enjoy sex more and make it more comfortable for him. Then passively you'll enjoy sex more (by having more of it). Every guy loves it when a girl compliments his dick whether it's a verbal comment or just your expression when you see it or feel it. Enough of that over time might help him, just don't over do it! Back to my first point, some things like showering together or bathing together, or even cuddling and watching tv/reading after sex or the aforementioned bathing might help him relax and be more comfortable when the situation does turn sexual.

Good luck and welcome!

[BigO]

This may be cold hearted but I will put it straight forward.

Don't leave a man because of erectile dysfunction. Leave a man who won't do anything about it.

It's not going to make one a bad person for getting when there is a sexual issue if the one with the issue does not care enough to do something to make your intamacy stronger.

If he won't at least try then you need to be fair to you.

Your trying different approaches, your here seeking help and support and even information along with perspective. What is he doing? Going to take a nap?

Maybe telling him to man up and face his fears is just what he needs. Like I said, might sound cold but it's what I would tell my kids.

If he try then stand by him 100% because ultimately he must take that first srep but when he does hell walk a thousand miles ( all up in you)

[BigO]

I meant to say if HE won't try.

[drfrankencock]

Hope you don't mind BigO, figured you're on a mobile and cannot edit, so I edited the original for you.

[Zman007]

Ok, I'm going to take a step back and point out the key points I've noticed.

You two are obviously attracted to each other, prior to the first intercourse encounter you two both enjoyed sexual interaction and he had no erection troubles.

During the first sexual encounter he had difficulties and had subsequent difficulties and is now showing avoidance behavior. This is coupled with a history of anxiety for him, a history of porn, host. First interpcurse encounter in a couple of years,many possible pharmacological effects.

Drug induced ED? Possible, but unlikely as he was able to get and maintain an erection during non intercourse sexual activity.

Physical ED? No, he was able to get and maintain an erection, so he does not have physical ED.

Phychological ED? Bingo, without a doubt he is suffering from a degree of Phychological ED. It explains everything.

Your SO has not had sex in years while relying on porn for exposure. This alone can have negative effects and also instills a sense of size requirement and performance expectation. You've also made a comment about his size which hurt him and reinforced self inadequatecies about his size and potential performance. Now you've experienced a substantial build up putting pressure on the event, his anxiety builds which leads to ED during the act. This "failure" to perform greatly increases his anxiety and the next few times he suffers more trouble further reinforcing the problem. This is exacerbated by knowing that you have a great sexual appetite. Every time this has happened it further increases his anxiety and infects his desire for any sexual contact.


That is what is going on. The solution is talking about it and reducing his anxiety. Ideally he'd be talking to us here, this site is full of guys that have experienced these same issues and worked through them. He is vulnerable, hurt, and afraid and will be defensive. He needs to be made at ease and allow himself to get past his mental block. He needs to know there is hope, that this problem is ok, that he is not alone, that you are not judging him, and that you want to help him through this.

There is hope and communication is key.

[cf86]

When I said she went along with it I ment she didn't do anything to initiate sex. She was ok with out it, which just made my problems worse, a wife that doesn't desire me. In hind site now she has told me she was going crazy. She didn't know how to help me and didn't want to press the issue so I would be embarrassed later when I couldn't get hard. I wouldn't blame her right now if she had cheated on me then. I think there is a strong possibility especially after I know now what a multi orgasmic jewel she is. Do a little googling. "How to make love to a man?" Or "What men expect from their women/wives?" Etc. After watching porn I sometimes have insecurity issues when I'm with her. "How could I ever give her pleasure with my little dick?" Or "I must be small she never pays attention to my dick like the gal in the movie". Good luck. Just relax. Both of you. Love eachother. It will cum

So Party, how would you have responded if she HAD tried initiating things? And if she HAD pressed the issue, would you have been ultimately embarrassed about it?

[cf86]

Zman, I definitely figured it was psychological, with maybe a small part due to meds for the same reasons you mentioned. While I'm no doctor (and as far as I know neither are you LOL), it definitely makes me feel better to have someone else provide a more in-depth analysis of the situation and arrive at the same conclusion. Thanks!

That being said, I'm having issues figuring out HOW to reduce his anxiety. I've told him all I know to tell him, that I'm craving him because of his shape and size (especially shape), that I'm sexually mature enough to know what will satisfy me and that I knew his size prior to having sex with him, that it's not just about the physical but also about how much I want to be with him for who he is both physically AND emotionally, etc, etc. I think I've done what I can to show it, too, but maybe not, I don't know.

Can anyone add anything about how to make him feel at ease? Especially how to talk about it and work through it? I know he's defensive and I want more than anything to show him that he has nothing to be defensive about (because he really doesn't!) but I don't know how. I was in a relationship for many years and there isn't much that embarrasses or fazes me, which I told him, but he doesn't seem to understand that. I've dealt with the occasional 'disappearing act' many times over the years, among other things, which I've told him. It's not a big deal to me, it's not something to be embarrassed about, unless, of course, nothing is done to improve the situation.


BigO, I appreciate your comment, but I'm unsure about just being that upfront about it, at least any more than I have been. He knows I've been trying to find information about how to help the situation, and I've told him that I figure there are two things that can happen: one, sit back and do nothing, or two, try to find a solution. I wanna opt for the second choice, but it seems like he wants the former. My concern is that if I try to be 'cold' about it he'll just shut down even more. Regardless, though, like you said, I don't feel that ED is something to leave him over; however, if he is unwilling to work on the issue things will definitely be headed in a different direction. Which sucks because I really do care about him and like him.


Thanks to everyone for the continued advice and help! It's such a massive relief to be able to talk about these things frankly and openly and know that the people commenting have had similar experiences!!!!

[Party]

IDK. It never happened. And because of our age difference 86 I can and can't relate to your and his issues. But in my early 30's I knew there was the beginnings of a problem. Didn't really get serious till I hit 40 and my wife and I had other issues too. A chain of stores to run and a couple of toddlers so I couldn' focus on her like she deserved, totally my fault. But to answer the question even today my wife doesn't initiate sex, she enjoys it, and she makes me feel good outside the bedroom now, but IDK. Your guy is lucky that you are free of inabitions, something my wife still deals with. I'll do things to her in the bedroom I never thought she'd like. She's had orgasms from me just tongue fucking her in the ass, no other stimulation. I wish we were your age again, we both missed a lot of good orgasms out of ignorance and lack of communication

[closed224]

All very true, I think. We cannot provide the same answers for him as he is not the one asking. Can you get him to see a therapist? Some times we need professional help when a problem is beyond our ability. If he were here asking and sharing I have no doubt that we could help him help himself. I also know we can help you help your self. Without his assistance we cannot help him except possibly through you. Please spend time in the ED threads reading what has worked for some of us, and then apply to your situation the best that you can. Continue to share with us and I know we will continue to do our best for you.