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  • #1

    Missing in Action Father

    Well my ex-husband has just packed up his stuff and left an hour ago.

    I'm 4 hours away from morning and don't know what to say to my eldest son.

    Am I honest and tell him Mummy and Daddy won't be living together anymore or do I pretend his Daddy is working away for a long time and hope he just gets use to the new set up in time?

    I don't normally lie to my son but he's only 4 and I want to save him as much headache as possible.

    I feel ill to the bottom of my stomach.
    Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.
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  • #2
    Does your son know that he is your ex. I'm guessing there has been some problems and I'll bet he has an idea something is wrong. You know your son best. As for my daughter I told her the truth. "You're mother has left and I don't know if she'll every be back."

    I'm so sorry, kids are tough, we want to shield them, but above all else they must know that they can trust you.
    Unit
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    Last edited by Unit; 01-25-2018, 11:46 PM.
    ​The enemy of good is not bad
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    • #3
      There's been problems for years. It's why I joined this site funnily enough.

      No our son doesn't know of any issues. He has a really happy family life which is fake.

      He is used to his Dad working away a few days each month so I don't know if to pretend it's an extended working away thing. I don't want to lie but I don't want to break his heart. He adores his Daddy.

      I told my husband that we could have the boys 3 1/2 days each. Like alternative days. He said I was being vindictive and going to destroy his career. I'm not sure he wants to see them much.
      Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

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      • #4
        Ex or husband? It doesn't really matter in your sons eyes. From what I'm reading into this, if your sons father cares for your boy he would not just bail in the night. Speaking as a father I know I would miss my child, he might feel different given a little time. Try not to get in between the crap his farther is doing and your child.
        Unit
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        Last edited by Unit; 01-25-2018, 11:31 PM.
        ​The enemy of good is not bad
        The enemy of good is better

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        • #5
          How ever you share it with your child it is extremely important that he knows you are not going anywhere and that he is safe.
          ​The enemy of good is not bad
          The enemy of good is better

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          • #6
            Sorry he's my husband of 11 years but now he's left I said ex-husband.

            My head is just whirling with issues and worries. At least our second son is only 8 months so he will be fine.
            Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

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            • #7
              Look, I have been a son to an abusive father, I am not insinuating your husband was abusive, but I feel like I can offer a perspective that a son would want.

              The truth sucks, and yeah, I loved my dad all throughout my life, despite his behavior but us sons need to know the truth. Forgive me if I sound like I am attacking you but I get real passionate about the folks closest to us lying to us when we put all our trust into them. I have always been told the truth and have seen/experienced the abuse my earlier life.

              It's going to suck, I can already see his heart will break, cause we love our family. I am tearing up a little right now just imagining him, I am envisioning myself in his position. But, I believe it is best for his own sake because he will always be expecting to reunite and because you've created this fantasy that his father will be there, just, ughhhhhh.......... Like, i seriously don't need to explain to you how fucked up that is.

              He will still have you, like I've had my mother, I just made a post on how I think she is an idiot at times, how ironic huh? But I still love her and especially now as I reminisce about my life up to this point, being only 23, it shows me her good character and the horrors she had to endure to provide a life for me. And, if you present this lie right now, and your son figures it all out as he gets older, he MAY start wondering about the legitimacy of your relationship.

              Don't allow that to happen. I hate that a lot of men have to be this way. And I appreciate women more because of this. I am not a feminist, or any political shit. But it just shows character and true love. All right, you've got to reassess things, and figure out what you need to do.

              Stay on his ass for helping your son. Don't let him get away so easily, that motherfucker better not try any of that shit like my father did.

              Edit: Help as in money. Don't let a person like that who doesn't want his kids associate with your children in any other way.
              GoodLookingNerd
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              Last edited by GoodLookingNerd; 01-25-2018, 11:25 PM.
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              • #8
                Originally posted by Tara123 View Post
                There's been problems for years. It's why I joined this site funnily enough.

                No our son doesn't know of any issues. He has a really happy family life which is fake.

                He is used to his Dad working away a few days each month so I don't know if to pretend it's an extended working away thing. I don't want to lie but I don't want to break his heart. He adores his Daddy.

                I told my husband that we could have the boys 3 1/2 days each. Like alternative days. He said I was being vindictive and going to destroy his career. I'm not sure he wants to see them much.
                So sorry to hear of your difficulty.

                If it were me, I'd ease into it. Pretend it is an extended working away thing, and over some time talk about the possibility that dad may need to stay away. I think if you say right off "Dad isn't coming back" that will be really hard.

                I have to assume there will be some sort of visitation later on, so that could be transition point to him understanding Dad won't be back for good.
                incogneeetoe
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                Last edited by incogneeetoe; 01-25-2018, 11:38 PM.
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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Tara123 View Post
                  Sorry he's my husband of 11 years but now he's left I said ex-husband.
                  My head is just whirling with issues and worries. At least our second son is only 8 months so he will be fine.
                  Two sons ouch, I remember all to clearly the pain and uncertainty I felt when my now Ex walked out. I truly am sorry. It's OK to have a good cry. It's OK to let your children know that you hurt too. Reach out to your family and close friends, it is OK to ask for help and you do not have to act tougher than you are.
                  ​The enemy of good is not bad
                  The enemy of good is better

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by GoodLookingNerd View Post
                    ...Stay on his ass for helping your son. Don't let him get away so easily, that motherfucker better not try any of that shit like my father did...
                    I appreciate your passion, but please edit...not necessary.
                    The name's Tamora...TVR Tamora...with a capital "T".

                    Lots of living to do yet unseen and a more stories yet untold!

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                    • #11
                      Tara, of course you have to tell your son the truth.
                      The name's Tamora...TVR Tamora...with a capital "T".

                      Lots of living to do yet unseen and a more stories yet untold!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Tamora View Post
                        Tara, of course you have to tell your son the truth.
                        I wasn't hoping it wasn't that.

                        It's morning, I must of cried myself to sleep. Guess it's time to face the day.
                        Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

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                        • #13
                          Thanks for the replies. Took my son to nursery and I'll speak to him tonight.

                          I was a child from a single Man and I'm not too crazy
                          Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

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                          • #14
                            Praying for all three of you, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but you have a chance now to find the right guy. Remeber, you deserve that. Big hugs to all. It will be ok.
                            A prayer, is kinda the same as a "Like". If there are enough likes, God will take notice. So "Like" away please. My daughter needs your prayers. Thank You.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Party View Post
                              Praying for all three of you, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but you have a chance now to find the right guy. Remeber, you deserve that. Big hugs to all. It will be ok.
                              I think I'm done with men. Two failed marriages.

                              I can honestly say I have the worse choice in men lol. There's always I debt and crap with money and organising their lives. There's always moody and hate me being outgoing and forward.

                              I think I'll do what my mam did. She swore off men from the age of 47 and stuck to until the day she died. She always told me they were more trouble than they are worth lol

                              I've got my two little lads to focus on.
                              Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

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