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  • I need to get this off my chest.

    (Long read) i didnt know where else to post this and i needed to get it off my chest.

    I can't talk to anyone about this irl.* I don't even know where to start.

    I will be 20 in less than a month, i am a virgin.

    I am what some might refer to as an incel but i don't identify with them at all. I have a cousin that is 16 months older than me, we grew up together and i pretty much consider him a brother. He is what some would call a "Chad" maybe even a "slayer".

    Despite being so close we are very different, mainly when it comes to girls.

    I was homeschooled from 1st to 7th grade so i was never arpund female peers until 8th grade. In 8th grade one day i sit next to a girl while waiting for a class to start.
    This guy i made friends with jokingly said out loud that i wanted to date that girl. She asked me if that was true and me being socially inept and afraid of hurting her feelings i said "yes" even though i didnt. So then i had my first "girlfriend" we would text each other mundane stuff and never hungout after school.

    We decided we wanted to kiss each other one day after school, there were too many people around so i gave her a peck on the lips, that was my first kiss since puberty. A few weeks later we tried again this time by the school gym, we kissed for about 20 seconds (no tongue) and then we left.

    I guess someone saw because my parents found out and scolded me for it. My dad got mad and said she was a "hoodrat" despite there being no hoods in our small town. My mother made me walk home from school everyday with the cousin i mentioned earlier so i could never be alone. She wasnt ugly or anything i think my parents didnt like her family though. I felt great shame about this for a long time. I was 14 at the time.

    I remember hanging out with my uncle one night and my father calls him in a drunken stupor telling him not to take me to any girls houses, but he was talking about the girl mentioned above in particular.

    He also showed up at my uncles house one night noticably drunk to "see what we were up to" and before leaving he told me "don't fuck any fat chicks". I later found out he came over to see if there was any girls there. There werent, me, my uncle and cousin were just playing video games all day. Keep in mind this was the same father that told me once when i was around 13 to 15 that when he was my age he was out "chasing pussy". He was drunk then too, he's kind of an alcoholic.

    Back to me and my cousin. He lost his virginity at 14 and since has been with more girls than i can count.

    9th grade i had a massive crush on this girl but i was extremely shy and my home was always very messy so even if i did pursue her i couldnt invite her over because i was ashamed of my home, so i never pursued her.

    But my cousin (same guy above)did, they dated off and on for 2 years. Me and the girl were freshman he was a junior. I remember hearing her being giddy talking to her friends about my cousin. His nice house, his looks, how cool his room was. At the time i shared a room with 3 other people and it didnt have a door.

    She talked about him like he was god's gift to earth. I was crushed, i stopped eating stopped talking to my cousin and just felt miserable. I got over it with time, kinda.

    10th grade i started to experiment with nofap and tried to pursue a female friend that i didnt really find attractive. I wanted a blowjob more than anything. We drove somewhere and parked in her car.

    We kissed (with tongue) for about 2mins give or take a minute, and she let me touch her bare breast. That was the peak of my experience with women, it was very dark so i could barley see her. Her mom called and she had to go home.

    During the post kiss small talk she put her hand on my bulge and said "atleast i made you hard" then felt my bulge a little more and said "this is your dick right?" I said yeah and she said "oh, well on some guys its hard to tell". That was one of the reasons i turned to penis enlargement, i was around 7x5 at the time.

    She then told me "since it your birthday tommorow i'll fuck you, if you want". I texted her a few days later asking if she wanted to drive around again and she turned me down.

    My cousin is the ultimate ladies man. He has had so many pretty girlfriends and cheated on all of them with multiple girls. Just about every cute girl in our small town he has had sex with or exchanged nudes with.* Anytime i mention a girl i like he'll respond with "oh yeah i fucked her" "she sent me pics of her pussy" stuff like that. And that always bums me out.

    Girls fawn over him. He has girls he dosent know send him nudes randomly. As a result he is very cocky but ive gotten used to it.

    He has a gf now that he is very serious about her but just the other day i was standing behind him when he opened his snapchat and every single conversation displayed was with girls.

    He tries to tell me things like "just put yourself out there bro" "get tinder bro, ive hooked up with so many girls off there"
    It actually kinda warms my heart that he in courages me this much but at the same time angers me that he dosent realize it won't come as easy for me.

    As of recently ive done a good job of ignoring all this but just the other day i heard something that just made me feel terrible.

    When i was a child (age 6) me and another little boy experimented sexually, which pretty much only involved anilingus, since we didnt know what sex was.

    As i grew older i became very ashamed of my childhood actions but came to find out that expermentation among children is very common.

    This instance and the fact that the very first pornographic video i ever saw at the age of 11 involved anal sex, is what i believe to have attributed to me having and extreme anal fetish.

    I was addicted to porn for most of my adolescense and couldnt even get hard if it did not involve anal. I eventually got into harder stuff like farting and scat.

    Back to what i heard the other day. Me and a few friends saw a cute girl that we knew and one of my friends mentioned that my cousin hooked up with her. He then mentioned that my cousin "fucked her in the ass and she couldnt walk straight for a few days".

    And that just sent a rush of emotions through me. Come to find out around the time this happened she was 15-16 and he was 19-20. I wouldnt even be able to look that girl in the eyes and he was able to do my most fantasized sexual act with her. That just made me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of anger.

    Im so damn lonely and angry. And ive tried to pursue girls in the past.

    I asked one girl for her number, she laughed and changed the subject. Asked another girl, got the number, texted a few days later, she responded and asked me to delete her number.

    Then once when i was in 10th grade there was a girl i thought was flirting with me. My cousin convinced me to pursue her. I ask for her number, get it, text her a few days later, she says shes busy and will text me later, she never does, i text her a second time, no response. Then days later me and my cousin where in school and i glance over to see what he's doing, he's on his phone texting someone, low and behold its that same girl.

    I want to visit an escort but i have no car and the nearest city with escorts is 70miles away. Given how afraid i am of women ive considered visting a transgender escort but im on the fence about that, and would still need a car for that.

    Ive been having suicidal thoughts lately and im scared i might follow through with these actions. Latley ive been dosing my self with DPH, phenibut and melatonin to sleep longer since i hate being awake but that only helps a little.

    Sorry for the complaining i just needed to get this off my chest.

  • #2
    That is harsh.

    However if you want to use all that sadness and anger in a constructive way you can.

    I recommend you share all that with a professional (psychotherapist) that can guide you towards your goals.

    It seems to me that most of the experiences you described are unfortunate. For example a 7x5 inch cock is wayyy above average. That girl was mean and most likely she didn't feel it because of underwear, cock position, etc. But I bet she was just mean, even if she wasn't aware of her stupid mouth.

    I warmly recommend you psychotherapy. Find a school of psychology that you can relate to and find a psychotherapist that you trust and get your life under your control.
    VRSelector is a directory with adult vr videos. You get to test videos from multiple places before you decide to pay for a subscription.

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    • #3
      First off, sorry about your sheltering and controlling parents.

      Second, don't be ashamed of your childhood experiences or love of anal. Nothing to be ashamed of.

      20 is a tough age, and who you are changes drascially throughout your 20s.

      My best suggestion to you would be to get a change of scenery. Go off to college if you can. If not, just relocate. Somewhere with a lot of college aged people.

      You need some different people, experiences, and surroundings. In a town that isn't so small your cousin has banged every girl you like.

      And don't give yourself reasons you can't. Money, transportation, etc. No excuses. As they say, where there's a will there's a way. Things fall into place when you set your mind to them. You need peers similar to you.

      I'd also suggest getting into the gym. Getting bigger, stronger, in better shape, it does a lot for your self image and confidence. Also boosts a lot of great feel good chemicals and testosterone.

      I'd also spend some time googling stuff on the 'psychology of attraction'. Learn about some body language, what attracts men vs women, how to be suave, cool, fun. Get into some stuff there that gets you kindof excited and inspired. Not with the end goal of getting laid, but just because attraction is fun. And getting out of that shell is fun. And uncomfortable. But thats how you grow the most!

      You sound like a really awesome guy whose gone through maybe not the greatest childhood. A lot of us have as well. And it sucks a little now, because its so recent. But in 5 or 10 years, you'll realize how that made you better not worse.

      I have so many of my friends that didnt get laid until their 20s, and thats a big period of growth development and change.

      Lots of good is ahead of you. Make some goals that inspire you and excite you and get at em! Leave behind the video games and unproductive time consumption. Also, just let go of the self-loathing. The brain is a powerful thing and you can consciously change this thought process. Oh, and dont go to a prostitute. Don't even worry about the fact your a virgin. It doesnt matter. In fact its kindof cool. Just become an awesome, cool, motivated you and girls will end up coming into your life that will let you tear their ass up.

      Feel free to DM me if you ever need some talk or advice. I try to check my mail daily. Keep your head up man. Summer is here and life is all opportunity.

      Cheers
      Start Sept '18 BPEL 6.0. NBPEL 5.75 GIR 4.75 BPFSL 6.25
      Current Mar '19: BPEL 7.0 NBPEL 6.50 GIR 5.0 BPFSL 7.25
      1" BPEL in 6 months album

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      • #4
        Originally posted by IdealPenis View Post
        That is harsh.

        However if you want to use all that sadness and anger in a constructive way you can.

        I recommend you share all that with a professional (psychotherapist) that can guide you towards your goals.

        It seems to me that most of the experiences you described are unfortunate. For example a 7x5 inch cock is wayyy above average. That girl was mean and most likely she didn't feel it because of underwear, cock position, etc. But I bet she was just mean, even if she wasn't aware of her stupid mouth.

        I warmly recommend you psychotherapy. Find a school of psychology that you can relate to and find a psychotherapist that you trust and get your life under your control.
        Earlier that school year that same girl was talking about guys with small dicks and i asked her if 7 inches was ok and she said it was decent. And due to weight lifting and genetics my legs are massive so i like to tell myself thats why it seemed so small in comparison.

        Comment


        • #5
          Use your time to prop yourself up.
          If you think or do something you don't like stop and take steps to do the opposite.
          If a bad thing happens you have to learn from it and adjust. Do and think different.

          This of course seems hard to do cause you are used to what your learned prior. The way out is too keep trying and acting on new.
          Catharsis, as in talking and releasing what happened in the past is important but only the first step.
          Think and act different towards what you desire/like. Small but frequent steps. It adds on until you're suddenly in a different spot.
          25cm! Let's go!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Nogirth View Post
            Earlier that school year that same girl was talking about guys with small dicks and i asked her if 7 inches was ok and she said it was decent. And due to weight lifting and genetics my legs are massive so i like to tell myself thats why it seemed so small in comparison.
            There you go.

            Plus, if that girl used to date a lot of men and she was a queen size or just a show off, it was 'perfect' for your bad experience.
            And although I know that rationalizing the event will change the emotions a little, it is however a starting point.
            A starting point to realize that you are tormenting yourself based on a few events. Events that took place in the past and most of them lasted only a few moments.

            Here is one perspective to look at that even with that girl.
            Knowing what you know and feel about that girl, is that the type of girl that you want in your life?
            VRSelector is a directory with adult vr videos. You get to test videos from multiple places before you decide to pay for a subscription.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by IdealPenis View Post
              There you go.

              Plus, if that girl used to date a lot of men and she was a queen size or just a show off, it was 'perfect' for your bad experience.
              And although I know that rationalizing the event will change the emotions a little, it is however a starting point.
              A starting point to realize that you are tormenting yourself based on a few events. Events that took place in the past and most of them lasted only a few moments.

              Here is one perspective to look at that even with that girl.
              Knowing what you know and feel about that girl, is that the type of girl that you want in your life?
              She was a virgin when she said 7in was decent and had had sex with 2 other vuys when she made that comment abput my bulge.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hate to say it, but you dad sounds like a dick and has likely caused some of the problems mentally that you're experiencing with women today.

                I agree with D6ggy9tyle. You need to get out of that small town where your cousin has slept with everyone. It's too bad, but he sounds pretty shallow himself and will likely end up being alone later on in life, or catch some kind of disease. If you don't get out of that small town, then get used to dating someone who banged your cousin and who will likely continue to have feelings for him even though she's with you.

                Don't go down the transgender hooker route. That'll just eat you up inside for the rest of your life.

                20 is no big deal. You're still young and will have some of the best sex and experiences of your life in the coming years. Don't rush it - life will be over before you know it (I know, you think I'm crazy for saying that, but I can honestly look back at mine and wonder why I tried to rush things so much).
                Original/Current Stats:
                09 / 2017: BPEL 6.75" / NBPEL 6" / MEG 4.75" / BPFSL 7.25"
                09 / 2019: BPEL 7.625" / NBPEL 6.625" / MEG 5" / BPFSL 8.125"

                Realistic Goals:
                BPEL 8" / NBPEL 7.0" / MEG 5.25"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ellford View Post
                  Hate to say it, but you dad sounds like a dick and has likely caused some of the problems mentally that you're experiencing with women today.

                  I agree with D6ggy9tyle. You need to get out of that small town where your cousin has slept with everyone. It's too bad, but he sounds pretty shallow himself and will likely end up being alone later on in life, or catch some kind of disease. If you don't get out of that small town, then get used to dating someone who banged your cousin and who will likely continue to have feelings for him even though she's with you.

                  Don't go down the transgender hooker route. That'll just eat you up inside for the rest of your life.

                  20 is no big deal. You're still young and will have some of the best sex and experiences of your life in the coming years. Don't rush it - life will be over before you know it (I know, you think I'm crazy for saying that, but I can honestly look back at mine and wonder why I tried to rush things so much).
                  It just eats me up inside knowing im never gonna be able to experiment with a highschool girl thats equally as inexperinced as me. I missed out on this and i get depressed every time i think about it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    First off, nothing wrong with being a virgin - your time will come eventually. Better it be spontaneous than something that is so planned that you lose yourself in the moment. Its also OK to have fantasies, we all do, some play out, but many never do - you are in no way any different from say me in this category.

                    As for your cousin, I think he is full of Sh*t and is telling you he has slept with everyone in town and probably only has bedded a couple. Some people just love to brag, whether it is true or not. My best friend in high school used to brag up and down about who he had been with - I knew it was all a crock of crap that he was making up to sound better than everyone else.

                    Please don't use the word suicide here in the forums. We are not equipped to deal with that level of need and rightfully should not as none of us are trained in that way. There are professionals that can guide you if this is an overwhelming thought.

                    Does it change things if I told you I also was a virgin at your same age? Its just an event, it doesn't change your passion for people or your desires. I'm currently in my late 50's and to be honest, am having the best sex of my life. You've a long way to go and lots of people to meet along the way. Part of the dating scene is experimenting and seeing if you are compatible with the other person. That takes time - not all will work out - but eventually you will meet someone whom is totally on your page both emotionally and intellectually. Don't rush things - I met my wife when I was 25.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I was a virgin until 26. My advice is to join co-Ed social groups even if they do not suit your interests. The point is to meet and socialize with females to improve your social skills without any pressure to end up in bed together. That will eventually come natural to you.
                      Valued Member of 12+ years at the PEGym
                      12/'09 (start) NBP EL - 4.5, EG - 4.4
                      12/11 NBPEL - 5.1, MSEG - 5
                      01/13 NBPEL - 5.35, MSEG - 5.1
                      01/14 NBPEL - 5.35, MSEG - 5.25
                      01/16 NBPEL - 5.4, MSEG - 5.5
                      Fat Pad = 1+/-

                      Real cars have two seats. Everything else is a bus.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Nogirth View Post
                        She was a virgin when she said 7in was decent and had had sex with 2 other vuys when she made that comment abput my bulge.
                        That still proves the point.
                        She was either mean or ignorant. Experienced or not.


                        Reading your comments you talk a lot about the past things and how they can affect your present in a bad way.
                        Have you consider going into psychotherapy?
                        Have you considered getting up, wipe your tears and change your life?

                        Because at this point you are acting as a victim of your environment and experiences.
                        IdealPenis
                        Senior Member
                        Member of the Month Feb 2019
                        Last edited by IdealPenis; 12-21-2020, 10:00 PM.
                        VRSelector is a directory with adult vr videos. You get to test videos from multiple places before you decide to pay for a subscription.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by IdealPenis View Post
                          That still proves the point.
                          She was either mean or ignorant. Experienced or not.


                          Reading your comments you talk a lot about the past things and how they can affect your present in a bad way.
                          Have you consider going into psychotherapy?
                          Have you considered getting up, wipe your tears and change your life?

                          Because at this point you are acting as a victim of your environment and experiences.
                          I just wanted to vent, ive been pushing these feelings down for years and i can't talk to anyone irl. Im slowly trying to change my life but there are other things i need to focus on more at the moment.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It's not that easy to change your life sometimes especially if one has a mental health disorder. I have Social Phobia and some kind of depressive or personality disorder and I fought my hardest to get better. Going through uni, going to the gym, trying to get my friends out, took medication, in and out of therapy. Absolutely nothing has worked so far, think what's important is that you try.
                            Start: BPEL - 7.008", MEG - 5.197"
                            Current: BPEL - 7.126", MEG - 5.118"

                            Goal: BPEL - 9", MEG - 6.5"

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ellford View Post
                              Hate to say it, but you dad sounds like a dick and has likely caused some of the problems mentally that you're experiencing with women today.

                              I agree with D6ggy9tyle. You need to get out of that small town where your cousin has slept with everyone. It's too bad, but he sounds pretty shallow himself and will likely end up being alone later on in life, or catch some kind of disease. If you don't get out of that small town, then get used to dating someone who banged your cousin and who will likely continue to have feelings for him even though she's with you.

                              Don't go down the transgender hooker route. That'll just eat you up inside for the rest of your life.

                              20 is no big deal. You're still young and will have some of the best sex and experiences of your life in the coming years. Don't rush it - life will be over before you know it (I know, you think I'm crazy for saying that, but I can honestly look back at mine and wonder why I tried to rush things so much).
                              Yeah, he is. I sometimes think about moving to a large city but i feel i'll just end up doing the same thing but in a larger city. Without having any social media i have no way to meet peers.

                              I wasn't actually considering the transgender thing, just talking. Im most likely gonna wait until i reach my penis enlargement goals, then visit an escort and take some GHB to lower my inhibitions and just do the deed.

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