(Long read) i didnt know where else to post this and i needed to get it off my chest.
I can't talk to anyone about this irl.* I don't even know where to start.
I will be 20 in less than a month, i am a virgin.
I am what some might refer to as an incel but i don't identify with them at all. I have a cousin that is 16 months older than me, we grew up together and i pretty much consider him a brother. He is what some would call a "Chad" maybe even a "slayer".
Despite being so close we are very different, mainly when it comes to girls.
I was homeschooled from 1st to 7th grade so i was never arpund female peers until 8th grade. In 8th grade one day i sit next to a girl while waiting for a class to start.
This guy i made friends with jokingly said out loud that i wanted to date that girl. She asked me if that was true and me being socially inept and afraid of hurting her feelings i said "yes" even though i didnt. So then i had my first "girlfriend" we would text each other mundane stuff and never hungout after school.
We decided we wanted to kiss each other one day after school, there were too many people around so i gave her a peck on the lips, that was my first kiss since puberty. A few weeks later we tried again this time by the school gym, we kissed for about 20 seconds (no tongue) and then we left.
I guess someone saw because my parents found out and scolded me for it. My dad got mad and said she was a "hoodrat" despite there being no hoods in our small town. My mother made me walk home from school everyday with the cousin i mentioned earlier so i could never be alone. She wasnt ugly or anything i think my parents didnt like her family though. I felt great shame about this for a long time. I was 14 at the time.
I remember hanging out with my uncle one night and my father calls him in a drunken stupor telling him not to take me to any girls houses, but he was talking about the girl mentioned above in particular.
He also showed up at my uncles house one night noticably drunk to "see what we were up to" and before leaving he told me "don't fuck any fat chicks". I later found out he came over to see if there was any girls there. There werent, me, my uncle and cousin were just playing video games all day. Keep in mind this was the same father that told me once when i was around 13 to 15 that when he was my age he was out "chasing pussy". He was drunk then too, he's kind of an alcoholic.
Back to me and my cousin. He lost his virginity at 14 and since has been with more girls than i can count.
9th grade i had a massive crush on this girl but i was extremely shy and my home was always very messy so even if i did pursue her i couldnt invite her over because i was ashamed of my home, so i never pursued her.
But my cousin (same guy above)did, they dated off and on for 2 years. Me and the girl were freshman he was a junior. I remember hearing her being giddy talking to her friends about my cousin. His nice house, his looks, how cool his room was. At the time i shared a room with 3 other people and it didnt have a door.
She talked about him like he was god's gift to earth. I was crushed, i stopped eating stopped talking to my cousin and just felt miserable. I got over it with time, kinda.
10th grade i started to experiment with nofap and tried to pursue a female friend that i didnt really find attractive. I wanted a blowjob more than anything. We drove somewhere and parked in her car.
We kissed (with tongue) for about 2mins give or take a minute, and she let me touch her bare breast. That was the peak of my experience with women, it was very dark so i could barley see her. Her mom called and she had to go home.
During the post kiss small talk she put her hand on my bulge and said "atleast i made you hard" then felt my bulge a little more and said "this is your dick right?" I said yeah and she said "oh, well on some guys its hard to tell". That was one of the reasons i turned to penis enlargement, i was around 7x5 at the time.
She then told me "since it your birthday tommorow i'll fuck you, if you want". I texted her a few days later asking if she wanted to drive around again and she turned me down.
My cousin is the ultimate ladies man. He has had so many pretty girlfriends and cheated on all of them with multiple girls. Just about every cute girl in our small town he has had sex with or exchanged nudes with.* Anytime i mention a girl i like he'll respond with "oh yeah i fucked her" "she sent me pics of her pussy" stuff like that. And that always bums me out.
Girls fawn over him. He has girls he dosent know send him nudes randomly. As a result he is very cocky but ive gotten used to it.
He has a gf now that he is very serious about her but just the other day i was standing behind him when he opened his snapchat and every single conversation displayed was with girls.
He tries to tell me things like "just put yourself out there bro" "get tinder bro, ive hooked up with so many girls off there"
It actually kinda warms my heart that he in courages me this much but at the same time angers me that he dosent realize it won't come as easy for me.
As of recently ive done a good job of ignoring all this but just the other day i heard something that just made me feel terrible.
When i was a child (age 6) me and another little boy experimented sexually, which pretty much only involved anilingus, since we didnt know what sex was.
As i grew older i became very ashamed of my childhood actions but came to find out that expermentation among children is very common.
This instance and the fact that the very first pornographic video i ever saw at the age of 11 involved anal sex, is what i believe to have attributed to me having and extreme anal fetish.
I was addicted to porn for most of my adolescense and couldnt even get hard if it did not involve anal. I eventually got into harder stuff like farting and scat.
Back to what i heard the other day. Me and a few friends saw a cute girl that we knew and one of my friends mentioned that my cousin hooked up with her. He then mentioned that my cousin "fucked her in the ass and she couldnt walk straight for a few days".
And that just sent a rush of emotions through me. Come to find out around the time this happened she was 15-16 and he was 19-20. I wouldnt even be able to look that girl in the eyes and he was able to do my most fantasized sexual act with her. That just made me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of anger.
Im so damn lonely and angry. And ive tried to pursue girls in the past.
I asked one girl for her number, she laughed and changed the subject. Asked another girl, got the number, texted a few days later, she responded and asked me to delete her number.
Then once when i was in 10th grade there was a girl i thought was flirting with me. My cousin convinced me to pursue her. I ask for her number, get it, text her a few days later, she says shes busy and will text me later, she never does, i text her a second time, no response. Then days later me and my cousin where in school and i glance over to see what he's doing, he's on his phone texting someone, low and behold its that same girl.
I want to visit an escort but i have no car and the nearest city with escorts is 70miles away. Given how afraid i am of women ive considered visting a transgender escort but im on the fence about that, and would still need a car for that.
Ive been having suicidal thoughts lately and im scared i might follow through with these actions. Latley ive been dosing my self with DPH, phenibut and melatonin to sleep longer since i hate being awake but that only helps a little.
Sorry for the complaining i just needed to get this off my chest.
I can't talk to anyone about this irl.* I don't even know where to start.
I will be 20 in less than a month, i am a virgin.
I am what some might refer to as an incel but i don't identify with them at all. I have a cousin that is 16 months older than me, we grew up together and i pretty much consider him a brother. He is what some would call a "Chad" maybe even a "slayer".
Despite being so close we are very different, mainly when it comes to girls.
I was homeschooled from 1st to 7th grade so i was never arpund female peers until 8th grade. In 8th grade one day i sit next to a girl while waiting for a class to start.
This guy i made friends with jokingly said out loud that i wanted to date that girl. She asked me if that was true and me being socially inept and afraid of hurting her feelings i said "yes" even though i didnt. So then i had my first "girlfriend" we would text each other mundane stuff and never hungout after school.
We decided we wanted to kiss each other one day after school, there were too many people around so i gave her a peck on the lips, that was my first kiss since puberty. A few weeks later we tried again this time by the school gym, we kissed for about 20 seconds (no tongue) and then we left.
I guess someone saw because my parents found out and scolded me for it. My dad got mad and said she was a "hoodrat" despite there being no hoods in our small town. My mother made me walk home from school everyday with the cousin i mentioned earlier so i could never be alone. She wasnt ugly or anything i think my parents didnt like her family though. I felt great shame about this for a long time. I was 14 at the time.
I remember hanging out with my uncle one night and my father calls him in a drunken stupor telling him not to take me to any girls houses, but he was talking about the girl mentioned above in particular.
He also showed up at my uncles house one night noticably drunk to "see what we were up to" and before leaving he told me "don't fuck any fat chicks". I later found out he came over to see if there was any girls there. There werent, me, my uncle and cousin were just playing video games all day. Keep in mind this was the same father that told me once when i was around 13 to 15 that when he was my age he was out "chasing pussy". He was drunk then too, he's kind of an alcoholic.
Back to me and my cousin. He lost his virginity at 14 and since has been with more girls than i can count.
9th grade i had a massive crush on this girl but i was extremely shy and my home was always very messy so even if i did pursue her i couldnt invite her over because i was ashamed of my home, so i never pursued her.
But my cousin (same guy above)did, they dated off and on for 2 years. Me and the girl were freshman he was a junior. I remember hearing her being giddy talking to her friends about my cousin. His nice house, his looks, how cool his room was. At the time i shared a room with 3 other people and it didnt have a door.
She talked about him like he was god's gift to earth. I was crushed, i stopped eating stopped talking to my cousin and just felt miserable. I got over it with time, kinda.
10th grade i started to experiment with nofap and tried to pursue a female friend that i didnt really find attractive. I wanted a blowjob more than anything. We drove somewhere and parked in her car.
We kissed (with tongue) for about 2mins give or take a minute, and she let me touch her bare breast. That was the peak of my experience with women, it was very dark so i could barley see her. Her mom called and she had to go home.
During the post kiss small talk she put her hand on my bulge and said "atleast i made you hard" then felt my bulge a little more and said "this is your dick right?" I said yeah and she said "oh, well on some guys its hard to tell". That was one of the reasons i turned to penis enlargement, i was around 7x5 at the time.
She then told me "since it your birthday tommorow i'll fuck you, if you want". I texted her a few days later asking if she wanted to drive around again and she turned me down.
My cousin is the ultimate ladies man. He has had so many pretty girlfriends and cheated on all of them with multiple girls. Just about every cute girl in our small town he has had sex with or exchanged nudes with.* Anytime i mention a girl i like he'll respond with "oh yeah i fucked her" "she sent me pics of her pussy" stuff like that. And that always bums me out.
Girls fawn over him. He has girls he dosent know send him nudes randomly. As a result he is very cocky but ive gotten used to it.
He has a gf now that he is very serious about her but just the other day i was standing behind him when he opened his snapchat and every single conversation displayed was with girls.
He tries to tell me things like "just put yourself out there bro" "get tinder bro, ive hooked up with so many girls off there"
It actually kinda warms my heart that he in courages me this much but at the same time angers me that he dosent realize it won't come as easy for me.
As of recently ive done a good job of ignoring all this but just the other day i heard something that just made me feel terrible.
When i was a child (age 6) me and another little boy experimented sexually, which pretty much only involved anilingus, since we didnt know what sex was.
As i grew older i became very ashamed of my childhood actions but came to find out that expermentation among children is very common.
This instance and the fact that the very first pornographic video i ever saw at the age of 11 involved anal sex, is what i believe to have attributed to me having and extreme anal fetish.
I was addicted to porn for most of my adolescense and couldnt even get hard if it did not involve anal. I eventually got into harder stuff like farting and scat.
Back to what i heard the other day. Me and a few friends saw a cute girl that we knew and one of my friends mentioned that my cousin hooked up with her. He then mentioned that my cousin "fucked her in the ass and she couldnt walk straight for a few days".
And that just sent a rush of emotions through me. Come to find out around the time this happened she was 15-16 and he was 19-20. I wouldnt even be able to look that girl in the eyes and he was able to do my most fantasized sexual act with her. That just made me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of anger.
Im so damn lonely and angry. And ive tried to pursue girls in the past.
I asked one girl for her number, she laughed and changed the subject. Asked another girl, got the number, texted a few days later, she responded and asked me to delete her number.
Then once when i was in 10th grade there was a girl i thought was flirting with me. My cousin convinced me to pursue her. I ask for her number, get it, text her a few days later, she says shes busy and will text me later, she never does, i text her a second time, no response. Then days later me and my cousin where in school and i glance over to see what he's doing, he's on his phone texting someone, low and behold its that same girl.
I want to visit an escort but i have no car and the nearest city with escorts is 70miles away. Given how afraid i am of women ive considered visting a transgender escort but im on the fence about that, and would still need a car for that.
Ive been having suicidal thoughts lately and im scared i might follow through with these actions. Latley ive been dosing my self with DPH, phenibut and melatonin to sleep longer since i hate being awake but that only helps a little.
Sorry for the complaining i just needed to get this off my chest.
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