I'm sitting here in my room and I'm bored as fuck. I just hope one good soul out there will take the time to read all of this and just give a comment. I got a textmessage from a friend to go to a pub but I'm not gonna go.. 2 years ago I was all about going out. I lived towards the weekends, I enjoyed myself during the weekends, drinking with friends, playing soccer table, looking at girls (yup, looking... -.-)
Nowadays I'm just tired. That's it. Tired of everything actually. The winter is coming up here in Belgium and it just sickens me. It gets dark so quick, it's cold outside.. When I want to go out I need to ride a bike for 30 minutes before I get there, and 30 minutes back ofcourse (mostly drunk). It's just too cold. When I want to take a shower I just shrink, everything . When I climb into bed I'm exhausted, the warmth overwhelms me and I'm gone. Than all of a sudden the alarm goes off and there you have the cold again. Stressing everyday to get the bus towards school. Getting at school just walking there, not saying anything to some people of my classroom .. I don't like them. Stupid people. They think they're top business man because they got a suit and all.. Egos.
Doing my best at school ofcourse, I started to realize last year (I'm in my last bachelor year now) how important school was. I also like the fact that I learn more and more, understanding the world/governments/companies/money/responsability .. I'm gonna study some more, going for a master. It's gonna be hard but I know I can do it.
I "lost" my best friend to a girl he is together with now. He's blind and all. I wouldn't say lost because I didn't like him for years after all. My parents are good friends with his parents so I was kind of obligated to hang out with him and "have a fun time". For him life seems so easy, he recently quit school to go working in a factory/shop or wherever the fuck he ends up. He almost constantly has a girlfriend and is happy when he can just drink some beer in the weekends.
I don't want that life. I want hot girls, I want to be in top shape, I want to earn a lot of money so I can live comfortably, .. I trained for the past 16 years of my life almost on a daily basis, I'm in good shape (not top shape) .. I red self-improvement books, I was always nice to other people so they would like me too, I build up a little group of good friends (atleast I had them), .. I am ambitious as crazy. No girl however. And a spot on my dick. That's what I got in the end.
I'm sick and tired of everything. I want to start working out again, lifting heavy, getting big, increasing confidence/strenght/physique/stamina .. But then there's no food at home. Shit. What do I have to eat now .. If there's no decent food at home, why workout? .. So you might have guessed it, I didn't workout for the past 13 months or so. I'm getting skinnier, I noticed my legs in the mirror getting small as fuck. My chest and back looks decent but that's it. The rest is shit.
Then there's the friendship-thing. I invested a lot of time in making/creating a friend group. I always tried to make everyone feel at their best when they are around me. I end up sick of pleasing them .. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I see my best friend going out with the friendgroup of his girl now. I see another good friend taking stuff to get big (not steroids). It works, girls look at him like crazy nowadays.. I lost 2 other good friends because one friend of me was in love with the girl I was with a couple of months. He was jealous as fuck and almost started a fight with me. So I draw my conclusions (I never ever provoked stuff).
Another good friend of me I haven't heard about in a long time. Nothing.
I broke up with probably the one girl who would do anything to please me but it just doesn't work for me. The spot is holding me back. It's hard to say but here appearance isn't that "wow". I think I can do better (yeah, I know how stupid that sounds). I think I watched too much jersey shore and stuff. Anyways, I ignore her constantly now. I don't want to make it worse. She's heartbroken already.
So, I feel alone. I have one good friend at school who's always there for me and that's it. I'm almost constantly tired because I don't eat well. I don't have a balance sleeping routine, I watch porn everyday because I'm bored, I stay up late, ..
My teeth aren't brushed for a full week already, I don't where the night braces I got from my dentist. My hair looks stupid.
I see the dissapointment on my grandparents and parents face everytime they ask me when I'm coming home with a girlfriend. I just don't want a longtermrelationship. It's nothing for me. I don't feel comfortable bonding myself so intense to someone else.
I'm just sitting here waiting until it's Monday again so I can go back to school. I'm 21 now, I need to almost start looking for a job, finding ways to leave the elderly house ofcourse.. Starting to become truly a mature person. I saw a clip later this day from an event I always wanted to go too when I was 17-18 years old. I almost had to cry, I just watched in silence, thinking about that time. No worries, no obligations, ..
I need to watch when I take a shower here at home because my parents get annoyed when I take a too late shower or when I take a shower when they want to take a shower. I just don't want any more bullshit around my ears.
I'm sick of the place where I live. Watching the same people almost every week living in a cage. They only now the town I live in. Just living life. I want to leave this place, start a new life somewhere else.
I hate the fucking bus. Stinking people around me. Recently I smelled a mixture of piss and dog fur. I almost had to vomit.
I just start to hate life. Everyday is a struggle. I just needed to post this, write it of my chest. Why do I do that? I don't need to validate myself, I've done enough for this forums and posts like these I read on a weekly basis. You know thanks for reading nevertheless.
God, what am I going to do now .. pfff
Nowadays I'm just tired. That's it. Tired of everything actually. The winter is coming up here in Belgium and it just sickens me. It gets dark so quick, it's cold outside.. When I want to go out I need to ride a bike for 30 minutes before I get there, and 30 minutes back ofcourse (mostly drunk). It's just too cold. When I want to take a shower I just shrink, everything . When I climb into bed I'm exhausted, the warmth overwhelms me and I'm gone. Than all of a sudden the alarm goes off and there you have the cold again. Stressing everyday to get the bus towards school. Getting at school just walking there, not saying anything to some people of my classroom .. I don't like them. Stupid people. They think they're top business man because they got a suit and all.. Egos.
Doing my best at school ofcourse, I started to realize last year (I'm in my last bachelor year now) how important school was. I also like the fact that I learn more and more, understanding the world/governments/companies/money/responsability .. I'm gonna study some more, going for a master. It's gonna be hard but I know I can do it.
I "lost" my best friend to a girl he is together with now. He's blind and all. I wouldn't say lost because I didn't like him for years after all. My parents are good friends with his parents so I was kind of obligated to hang out with him and "have a fun time". For him life seems so easy, he recently quit school to go working in a factory/shop or wherever the fuck he ends up. He almost constantly has a girlfriend and is happy when he can just drink some beer in the weekends.
I don't want that life. I want hot girls, I want to be in top shape, I want to earn a lot of money so I can live comfortably, .. I trained for the past 16 years of my life almost on a daily basis, I'm in good shape (not top shape) .. I red self-improvement books, I was always nice to other people so they would like me too, I build up a little group of good friends (atleast I had them), .. I am ambitious as crazy. No girl however. And a spot on my dick. That's what I got in the end.
I'm sick and tired of everything. I want to start working out again, lifting heavy, getting big, increasing confidence/strenght/physique/stamina .. But then there's no food at home. Shit. What do I have to eat now .. If there's no decent food at home, why workout? .. So you might have guessed it, I didn't workout for the past 13 months or so. I'm getting skinnier, I noticed my legs in the mirror getting small as fuck. My chest and back looks decent but that's it. The rest is shit.
Then there's the friendship-thing. I invested a lot of time in making/creating a friend group. I always tried to make everyone feel at their best when they are around me. I end up sick of pleasing them .. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I see my best friend going out with the friendgroup of his girl now. I see another good friend taking stuff to get big (not steroids). It works, girls look at him like crazy nowadays.. I lost 2 other good friends because one friend of me was in love with the girl I was with a couple of months. He was jealous as fuck and almost started a fight with me. So I draw my conclusions (I never ever provoked stuff).
Another good friend of me I haven't heard about in a long time. Nothing.
I broke up with probably the one girl who would do anything to please me but it just doesn't work for me. The spot is holding me back. It's hard to say but here appearance isn't that "wow". I think I can do better (yeah, I know how stupid that sounds). I think I watched too much jersey shore and stuff. Anyways, I ignore her constantly now. I don't want to make it worse. She's heartbroken already.
So, I feel alone. I have one good friend at school who's always there for me and that's it. I'm almost constantly tired because I don't eat well. I don't have a balance sleeping routine, I watch porn everyday because I'm bored, I stay up late, ..
My teeth aren't brushed for a full week already, I don't where the night braces I got from my dentist. My hair looks stupid.
I see the dissapointment on my grandparents and parents face everytime they ask me when I'm coming home with a girlfriend. I just don't want a longtermrelationship. It's nothing for me. I don't feel comfortable bonding myself so intense to someone else.
I'm just sitting here waiting until it's Monday again so I can go back to school. I'm 21 now, I need to almost start looking for a job, finding ways to leave the elderly house ofcourse.. Starting to become truly a mature person. I saw a clip later this day from an event I always wanted to go too when I was 17-18 years old. I almost had to cry, I just watched in silence, thinking about that time. No worries, no obligations, ..
I need to watch when I take a shower here at home because my parents get annoyed when I take a too late shower or when I take a shower when they want to take a shower. I just don't want any more bullshit around my ears.
I'm sick of the place where I live. Watching the same people almost every week living in a cage. They only now the town I live in. Just living life. I want to leave this place, start a new life somewhere else.
I hate the fucking bus. Stinking people around me. Recently I smelled a mixture of piss and dog fur. I almost had to vomit.
I just start to hate life. Everyday is a struggle. I just needed to post this, write it of my chest. Why do I do that? I don't need to validate myself, I've done enough for this forums and posts like these I read on a weekly basis. You know thanks for reading nevertheless.
God, what am I going to do now .. pfff
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