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  • Depression and some ranting

    I'm sitting here in my room and I'm bored as fuck. I just hope one good soul out there will take the time to read all of this and just give a comment. I got a textmessage from a friend to go to a pub but I'm not gonna go.. 2 years ago I was all about going out. I lived towards the weekends, I enjoyed myself during the weekends, drinking with friends, playing soccer table, looking at girls (yup, looking... -.-)

    Nowadays I'm just tired. That's it. Tired of everything actually. The winter is coming up here in Belgium and it just sickens me. It gets dark so quick, it's cold outside.. When I want to go out I need to ride a bike for 30 minutes before I get there, and 30 minutes back ofcourse (mostly drunk). It's just too cold. When I want to take a shower I just shrink, everything . When I climb into bed I'm exhausted, the warmth overwhelms me and I'm gone. Than all of a sudden the alarm goes off and there you have the cold again. Stressing everyday to get the bus towards school. Getting at school just walking there, not saying anything to some people of my classroom .. I don't like them. Stupid people. They think they're top business man because they got a suit and all.. Egos.

    Doing my best at school ofcourse, I started to realize last year (I'm in my last bachelor year now) how important school was. I also like the fact that I learn more and more, understanding the world/governments/companies/money/responsability .. I'm gonna study some more, going for a master. It's gonna be hard but I know I can do it.

    I "lost" my best friend to a girl he is together with now. He's blind and all. I wouldn't say lost because I didn't like him for years after all. My parents are good friends with his parents so I was kind of obligated to hang out with him and "have a fun time". For him life seems so easy, he recently quit school to go working in a factory/shop or wherever the fuck he ends up. He almost constantly has a girlfriend and is happy when he can just drink some beer in the weekends.

    I don't want that life. I want hot girls, I want to be in top shape, I want to earn a lot of money so I can live comfortably, .. I trained for the past 16 years of my life almost on a daily basis, I'm in good shape (not top shape) .. I red self-improvement books, I was always nice to other people so they would like me too, I build up a little group of good friends (atleast I had them), .. I am ambitious as crazy. No girl however. And a spot on my dick. That's what I got in the end.

    I'm sick and tired of everything. I want to start working out again, lifting heavy, getting big, increasing confidence/strenght/physique/stamina .. But then there's no food at home. Shit. What do I have to eat now .. If there's no decent food at home, why workout? .. So you might have guessed it, I didn't workout for the past 13 months or so. I'm getting skinnier, I noticed my legs in the mirror getting small as fuck. My chest and back looks decent but that's it. The rest is shit.

    Then there's the friendship-thing. I invested a lot of time in making/creating a friend group. I always tried to make everyone feel at their best when they are around me. I end up sick of pleasing them .. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I see my best friend going out with the friendgroup of his girl now. I see another good friend taking stuff to get big (not steroids). It works, girls look at him like crazy nowadays.. I lost 2 other good friends because one friend of me was in love with the girl I was with a couple of months. He was jealous as fuck and almost started a fight with me. So I draw my conclusions (I never ever provoked stuff).

    Another good friend of me I haven't heard about in a long time. Nothing.

    I broke up with probably the one girl who would do anything to please me but it just doesn't work for me. The spot is holding me back. It's hard to say but here appearance isn't that "wow". I think I can do better (yeah, I know how stupid that sounds). I think I watched too much jersey shore and stuff. Anyways, I ignore her constantly now. I don't want to make it worse. She's heartbroken already.

    So, I feel alone. I have one good friend at school who's always there for me and that's it. I'm almost constantly tired because I don't eat well. I don't have a balance sleeping routine, I watch porn everyday because I'm bored, I stay up late, ..

    My teeth aren't brushed for a full week already, I don't where the night braces I got from my dentist. My hair looks stupid.

    I see the dissapointment on my grandparents and parents face everytime they ask me when I'm coming home with a girlfriend. I just don't want a longtermrelationship. It's nothing for me. I don't feel comfortable bonding myself so intense to someone else.

    I'm just sitting here waiting until it's Monday again so I can go back to school. I'm 21 now, I need to almost start looking for a job, finding ways to leave the elderly house ofcourse.. Starting to become truly a mature person. I saw a clip later this day from an event I always wanted to go too when I was 17-18 years old. I almost had to cry, I just watched in silence, thinking about that time. No worries, no obligations, ..

    I need to watch when I take a shower here at home because my parents get annoyed when I take a too late shower or when I take a shower when they want to take a shower. I just don't want any more bullshit around my ears.

    I'm sick of the place where I live. Watching the same people almost every week living in a cage. They only now the town I live in. Just living life. I want to leave this place, start a new life somewhere else.

    I hate the fucking bus. Stinking people around me. Recently I smelled a mixture of piss and dog fur. I almost had to vomit.

    I just start to hate life. Everyday is a struggle. I just needed to post this, write it of my chest. Why do I do that? I don't need to validate myself, I've done enough for this forums and posts like these I read on a weekly basis. You know thanks for reading nevertheless.

    God, what am I going to do now .. pfff


  • #2
    I just hate the fact that other people are so happy around me and I just hate my life. Well find a way towards that awesome life then, yes, but here's what I want:

    - living on my own in a bachelor apartment ... (money, still financially dependant of my parents)
    - Fucking/dating/befriending a lot of hot girls .. (no place to take them to to fuck, no friend who share the same interest, not enough venues to get them, ...)
    - Getting in top shape (parents don't think about healthy food, I can't eat the same stuff over and over, supplements and "illegal" stuff = no money)
    - Getting rich (well, I assume I'm gonna have an average salary like 99% of all people)

    That's it.

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    • #3
      Just posted some more but even this site gives me a message "bad gateway" or something like that. I'm not gonna type it all over. Fuck everything.

      Comment


      • #4
        Do I have to give you a beating? I'll be back in a few minutes to tell you some stuff!
        The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by CUSP82 View Post
          Do I have to give you a beating? I'll be back in a few minutes to tell you some stuff!
          I think I wouldn't even care if you would slap me in the face .. It won't change my thoughts. I'm not gonna commit suicide, I'm too much of a coward to do that. I just needed to post this and let others know that I hate my life or life in general. I know some of them don't give a fuck about that, but hey, I posted it anyways

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          • #6
            <--- takes off his belt!

            no seriously tho, this is not good.
            01/14/12 BPEL:7.4" EG:5.0"
            03/04/13
            BPEL:8.2" EG:5.5"BPFL:6.8 BPFSL:8.8"pics

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            • #7
              I think you need to clean yourself up and you should take better care of yourself. comb your hair brush your teeth dress halfway decent. Look like the person you want to feel like project the true person you are and let everything else happen as it will. Get sleep dont watch porn. You need your sleep before you can feel good & focus.

              Comment


              • #8
                Move to somewhere sunny. Sounds like you're having seasonal depression. Why do you think I live in Florida, USA? I use to have severe seasonal depression. Not anymore.

                Until then, try a tannign bed. That use to work for me. And MAKE yourself workout.
                The above is not meant to be argumentative, abrasive or confrontational. Take this and everything you read with a grain of salt.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by TheSperminator View Post
                  I just hate the fact that other people are so happy around me and I just hate my life. Well find a way towards that awesome life then, yes, but here's what I want:

                  - living on my own in a bachelor apartment ... (money, still financially dependant of my parents)
                  - Fucking/dating/befriending a lot of hot girls .. (no place to take them to to fuck, no friend who share the same interest, not enough venues to get them, ...)
                  - Getting in top shape (parents don't think about healthy food, I can't eat the same stuff over and over, supplements and "illegal" stuff = no money)
                  - Getting rich (well, I assume I'm gonna have an average salary like 99% of all people)

                  That's it.
                  Well, I read all that Sperm, I've seen sooooooo many of your welcome posts around the forums. I think you're a great guy, a great motivator. You're young at 21, already doing well in school. I quoted the above post of yours. Your goals, some may be long term, others short term goals. Print that list out and post it in your room where you can see it everyday. Make them happen. If you change some of your goals down the road, so be it, update your list.

                  I'm not going to tell ya to pull your shit together and suck it up. Hell, we all have bad days, weeks, sometimes months. I had my own pity party last night. My hubby's been gone almost three weeks now and I'll got responsibilities galore spilling off my plate. No one's ever happy all the time, no matter what front they put up on the outside.

                  Now go brush your teeth
                  Be a reflection of what you'd like to see in others.
                  If you want love, give love.
                  If you want honesty, give honesty.
                  If you want respect, give respect.
                  You get in return, what you give.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I totally understand Sperm. I don't have many friends and 99% of them are over the internet. My only relationships have also been over the internet. My life right now is pretty pathetic and all I can see is pathetic. I can make people happy, but at the end of the day I can't do anything for myself, it is weird.

                    the only thing you can do is try to make it better. I know I drift in and out of being motivated to do things, lately I am not doing very well, but if you want to change something then you have to force yourself to force yourself to do something.

                    I should take my own advice, but I never listen to myself and I was going to make a post just like this, but I know if I do that again here it won't end well for me. Plenty of the folks here are already tired of what I day.
                    Dontrike
                    Senior Member
                    Last edited by Dontrike; 09-21-2012, 02:55 PM.

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                    • #11
                      We seem VERY identical however you are still way better than me, education, social life etc. I was going to post a full reply but it just reminded me how pathetic I am and it depressed me.

                      It could be worse, you could be me.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Cya at 8 View Post
                        Move to somewhere sunny. Sounds like you're having seasonal depression. Why do you think I live in Florida, USA? I use to have severe seasonal depression. Not anymore.

                        Until then, try a tannign bed. That use to work for me. And MAKE yourself workout.
                        That's easily said. If I had the money I would book me a one-way-ticket to california or las vegas in no time.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You always help so many people. You're an ok guy. You need to get out this funk. First step is bodily hygiene, shower and get something to eat.
                          01/14/12 BPEL:7.4" EG:5.0"
                          03/04/13
                          BPEL:8.2" EG:5.5"BPFL:6.8 BPFSL:8.8"pics

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by PR20 View Post
                            We seem VERY identical however you are still way better than me, education, social life etc. I was going to post a full reply but it just reminded me how pathetic I am and it depressed me.

                            It could be worse, you could be me.
                            Write it off your chest buddy, it helps. + I hate the word "pathetic", I'm pretty sure you're an equally good person as I am.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by bahamaboner71 View Post
                              You always help so many people. You're an ok guy. You need to get out this funk. First step is bodily hygiene, shower and get something to eat.
                              Thanks but see that's exactly what's on my mind. I like helping others but I like to get some attention to you know. I helped my best friend getting the girl he has now. I did like 60% of the work. Do you think he showed appreciation or anything? I heard he was bragging to everyone of my friend group about the fact that he took her virginity after 2 weeks and that her ex never got to do anything with her. He just starts talking about him taking her virginity, nobody asks. This one time he asked me to go to a party, I said no I'm tired. C'mon dude c'mon. I still said no because I was really really tired. I get a message: oh well, your loss. HOW IS THAT MY LOSS? I hate such comments.

                              I went out sometimes just because a good friend really needed to talk to me.

                              I'm almost always there for others, but when I need the others ..

                              Note: I appreciate this a lot guys! just to let you all know. The communication alone does me good. I felt so alone all of a sudden.
                              TheSperminator
                              Member of the Month Oct 12
                              Last edited by TheSperminator; 09-21-2012, 03:24 PM.

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