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As a member of the military I’ll often hear folks say, “Thank you for your service and your sacrifice.” That statement means a lot to service members who are often called upon to leave family and friends to carry out a mission which, at times, doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. These statements mean a lot, not just because they are unsolicited thanks from complete strangers, but because you can see in the individual’s eyes and feel in their words the sincerity of their expressed gratitude.
While I enjoy the perks of these brief connections with strangers, sometimes I’ll stop and think about those who have a greater sacrifice than the military member. That is the military family.
To give you an idea, my oldest (in 7th grade) has not attended the same school for two years. My second child (3rd grade) has never had a teacher for a full year, we’ve somehow moved each year. Every couple years the military family leaves all their friends and familiar surroundings to move to a “new house” to make “new friends” and go to a “new school” Every couple years, you walk into a new life with zero local friends or family; you have to find a house, school, church, community center, library, sports team, swimming lessons, etc. Every couple years you’re the new kid in school, trying to make friends with other kids who have been friends with each other for their entire lives. Not easy; especially when the service member deploys.
Deployments are particularly hard because despite the challenges listed above, now mom (or dad) begins to live under the constant dread of answering a knock on the door and seeing two people wearing dress uniforms and somber expressions. One can easily imagine the horror of such an encounter; the spouse’s guilt about not being able to be there or say good bye, the realization that life as they knew it has suddenly stopped, the fear of the condition of their spouses remains, and the weight of responsibility for their new reality as both mother and father. Then trying to explain to the kids that daddy/mommy isn’t coming home again.
As adults, we hide our terror of such events rather well. During nightly prayers we say things like, “please help dad/mom to be safe” and this simple phrase helps shield us from the possibilities. Children, however have yet to develop the ability to hide so effectively from their fears. Instead, children’s heart-felt prayers are that, “dad doesn’t get killed by bad guys,” because that is truly what they fear. Despite our strong façade, these brutally honest words from an innocent child shake the spouse to the core; and they hear these pleas every night then retire to an empty bed.
Should their prayers be answered and the service member arrives home safely, they soon realize that dad/mom is different. Perhaps moody, agitated, short tempered, not helpful around the house, disinterested in family members and their stories. Even without PTSD or combat experience, they’ve been living as a pseudo bachelor all this time. Free-time was me-time and the cloak of responsibility is sometimes less attractive than the alternative. Mom/Dad now has to manage the transition from executing all responsibilities to handing over responsibilities to someone who’s been gone and doesn’t know how things have been working lately.
Despite all these challenges and fears, the military spouse and kids survive and excel. The strongest woman I know is MrsNamso, who, while I was deployed, left her mom to watch our kids, drove herself to the hospital and delivered our child. Her support group during the delivery was the nurse, the doctor, and a ½ effective epidural. With three deployments under her belt, she can accomplish any five things that I can do; and still be able to help the kids with their homework each night.
I don’t write this to draw up sympathies towards myself or other military members. I want to help you understand the amazing sacrifices borne each day by the spouses and children of our soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen. Next time you see a service member with his family, be sure to tell the spouse and the kids how much you appreciate their sacrifices.
While I enjoy the perks of these brief connections with strangers, sometimes I’ll stop and think about those who have a greater sacrifice than the military member. That is the military family.
To give you an idea, my oldest (in 7th grade) has not attended the same school for two years. My second child (3rd grade) has never had a teacher for a full year, we’ve somehow moved each year. Every couple years the military family leaves all their friends and familiar surroundings to move to a “new house” to make “new friends” and go to a “new school” Every couple years, you walk into a new life with zero local friends or family; you have to find a house, school, church, community center, library, sports team, swimming lessons, etc. Every couple years you’re the new kid in school, trying to make friends with other kids who have been friends with each other for their entire lives. Not easy; especially when the service member deploys.
Deployments are particularly hard because despite the challenges listed above, now mom (or dad) begins to live under the constant dread of answering a knock on the door and seeing two people wearing dress uniforms and somber expressions. One can easily imagine the horror of such an encounter; the spouse’s guilt about not being able to be there or say good bye, the realization that life as they knew it has suddenly stopped, the fear of the condition of their spouses remains, and the weight of responsibility for their new reality as both mother and father. Then trying to explain to the kids that daddy/mommy isn’t coming home again.
As adults, we hide our terror of such events rather well. During nightly prayers we say things like, “please help dad/mom to be safe” and this simple phrase helps shield us from the possibilities. Children, however have yet to develop the ability to hide so effectively from their fears. Instead, children’s heart-felt prayers are that, “dad doesn’t get killed by bad guys,” because that is truly what they fear. Despite our strong façade, these brutally honest words from an innocent child shake the spouse to the core; and they hear these pleas every night then retire to an empty bed.
Should their prayers be answered and the service member arrives home safely, they soon realize that dad/mom is different. Perhaps moody, agitated, short tempered, not helpful around the house, disinterested in family members and their stories. Even without PTSD or combat experience, they’ve been living as a pseudo bachelor all this time. Free-time was me-time and the cloak of responsibility is sometimes less attractive than the alternative. Mom/Dad now has to manage the transition from executing all responsibilities to handing over responsibilities to someone who’s been gone and doesn’t know how things have been working lately.
Despite all these challenges and fears, the military spouse and kids survive and excel. The strongest woman I know is MrsNamso, who, while I was deployed, left her mom to watch our kids, drove herself to the hospital and delivered our child. Her support group during the delivery was the nurse, the doctor, and a ½ effective epidural. With three deployments under her belt, she can accomplish any five things that I can do; and still be able to help the kids with their homework each night.
I don’t write this to draw up sympathies towards myself or other military members. I want to help you understand the amazing sacrifices borne each day by the spouses and children of our soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen. Next time you see a service member with his family, be sure to tell the spouse and the kids how much you appreciate their sacrifices.
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