Is being considerate no longer "in"?

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

I was having a discussion with a friend about this earlier today and thought I'd see what the general reaction here is.

Whenever I am out with PL I always note things that he particularly likes, or doesn't like. Then I'll pick up things I know he likes for when he comes over or if I know I'm going to be seeing him, and this always amazes him. Not just the fact that I would make sure to have things he likes, but that I notice what he likes and what he doesn't. Now, to me, this is just part of what you do when someone is part of you life, be it someone you're in a relationship with or family or friends. You notice things like every time you order drinks they always order the same kind of thing - always red wine not white for example. If they're allergic to something you make a little mental note about it.

My friend says he's noticed that many of his friends, particularly younger ones, don't do this, and he thinks it might be a generational thing. He said that he thought if say a guy were to take notice of what his girlfriend particularly liked, let's say vanilla Coke, and even though he didn't like it he made sure to buy it so there would be some when she was over, that older guys would say that was a smooth and considerate thing to do and the younger generation would look at it as being weak and possibly "whipped".

He also said that he's noticed this same lack of consideration just in general with his younger friends - he, and his older friends, always make sure to have supplies in the house in case people come by, and particularly if they know people are coming by, whereas the younger ones seem not to bother with having anything like snacks or drinks even if they know they're having friends over.

Now there is a bit of an age difference between me and PL - he is 17 years younger than I am - so I suppose this could be a generational thing.

What do you guys think - is being thoughtful and considerate of others a thing of the past and something that's just not generally done now?

[incogneeetoe Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2017*Special Appreciated Moderator Nov. 2021* PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close incogneeetoe]

Where do you live?

Where I live I notice that this is a "normal" thing...especially in couples. I teach Uni, so I talk about relationships a lot with my students (they often look for advice and guidance). Girls especially make an effort to be considerate of their men. The boys who are more enlightened (generally those who are aiming to cement a long term relationship) also seem to be fairly considerate.

I notice the same sort of consideration between friend groups. Less so with younger guys, but those who are a little older (24-25) are more apt to be on the ball.

I should note that I live in a Confucian culture and this type of social consideration is kind of built in. But it is not universal. And there is a very general lack of consideration in other aspects of life, but that is also a consequence of the location.

[zazou Member Find all posts View Profile Close zazou]

I'm 51 and i do the same thing, i always try and be considerate and a good host whether it be a girlfriend a family.

[BoneBulk Member Find all posts View Profile Close BoneBulk]

28M checking in. Definitely part generational, but I also think it could have something to do with maturity. I think all generations go through this stage. The older one gets, the more mature, and thus the more considerate of other people they become. When you're in the mid-20s bracket, you mostly only care about what you need and what you want. This is how most young people are because they lack experience and perspective.

Sure, some guys are going to think it's weak to be "servile" to anyone cause doing so isn't "alpha," but that thinking is misplaced and probably a result of immaturity and the media, which tells confused boys what a man is supposed to be, and that conception is usually confused or false in itself.

It's a complex topic. In Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" he posits that due to World War II and because men had to leave to go and fight, the duty of raising the sons was left to the women. This replacement of the dual role of "mother as father" raised a generation that didn't much know how to "act like men," since women were essentially teaching boys how to be men. Long story short, this produced a continuing cycle of men not knowing how to act like men. Even to this day, fathers are either absent from their children's lives or are working 9-5 jobs leaving little exposure for young Johnny to peer into the realm of "what it takes to be a man." This might sound like antiquated sexism, but it makes sense to me. I'd recommend the book if you want the full spectrum of his theory; what I've provided is only a small slice.

And so, because the boys of the current generation have no one to look to for male guidance (obviously mothers' endow their sons with good traits as well, but it's probably not the same as a "father's touch"{that sounds wrong for some reason}), they look to popular media and porn instead. And what is popular media's definition of a man? Why, it's a misogynistic, money-grubbing, gun-toting, cold-as-ice, big-dicked, asshole alpha male! And guess what, that's precisely the type of guy you see young men trying to emulate, usually with the exclusion of consideration of other people to boot!

Then you have the kids who are spoiled and never were taught how to be considerate of others, but I don't think that's a generational thing.

So there are some reasons. This generation might be confused about what it means to have manners or be caring, because they had no first-hand role models to show them how to do it! But, I also think maturity has to do with it as well.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Ummm sorry guys I found I actually had to make an effort to be less considerate and less" nice ". I had a lot of "you are such a nice guy I just want to be friends" when I was younger . Also general "friends" using you up stuff . Also people thought I was gay . Just in general you can be too considerate ,too "nice" . If tou are naturaly inclined this way it can pay to put effort into being less "nice". Now of course most people have nothing to worry about .

[Phoenix7672 Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Phoenix7672]

There is a difference between picking up on things she likes and trying to take interest or be accommodating (eg. the vanilla coke example), and then there is being a door mat (eg. always offering to carry her purse, shopping bags, etc). I always try to be the former and not the latter, although some girls do seem to expect a servant of sorts.

That said, I do believe some of the younger ones who are still attracted to the whole 'bad boy' image still go for those who do nothing and would see any form of accommodation as weakness. Personally I don't have time for those types, nor do they seem worth it in the end.

[Gregory Peckary Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Gregory Peckary]

If you are good looking, in good shape, well educated and can carry an interesting conversation you dont need to play those games. But if you are lacking in any of those areas acting like an asshole can work wonders with certain women for a short term period. I advise against it as it wears down your humanity.

[seanyboy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close seanyboy]

Could be generational and it could also be geographical. Living in an urban area, being too nice and considerate could easily be interpreted as a target to be taken advantage of.

[kickinthemebs Senior Member Member of the Month Feb 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close kickinthemebs]

Vanilla coke? I'd dump her!

In a serious note,it is probably an age thing not necessarily a generation thing. When you are 18-25 you just want to fuck and have fun,the world evolves around you.

Similarly with Peg's experience,when I was a kid I was seen as too nice often and was walked over as a result. Toughened up to such an opposite that I realised I was often completely inconsiderate to people so I have tapered off in recent years. But in saying that I need to put the guard up again when people start seeing it as weak.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

I'm really torn on whether it's a maturity thing. On the one hand I look at the fact that I have pretty much always done that kind of thing. When I was much younger I'd bake for my boyfriends, if they were going to be hanging out with their friends I'd send cookies along, I'd bring baking in to university and leave it in the student lounge. I guess I was just raised to think about other people and be considerate of them. And on the other hand when I was younger I was always being told I was mature for my age so.... I don't know.

All I know is that it kind of saddens me when PL is so surprised that I remember things that he likes, or he's allergic to, or that he's said. It just seems to me that's something that should be normal in relationships.

[ehlolol Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ehlolol]

People who are always considerate and nice are only seen nice & pleasant at first. But over time they are being treated as doormats and are taken advantage of.

To me it seems like human nature to slowly start taking things for granted and being "nice" is not nice per say anymore.. its just normal.. And the moment you do not meet those expectations, you are off much worse than if you were not "nice" in the first place. This affects every aspect of interaction.

I think its much better to keep people guessing. People you cannot put into a box are people who are interesting!

Btw Im not saying to be a jackass..

[ehlolol Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ehlolol]

It is nice to be nice.. IRL it just doesnt pay off longterm...

[Big Al AdministratorPEGym EditorMale Enhancement Coach Rep.PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Big Al]

When a population as a whole generally starts to become inconsiderate, it can signal the beginning of a decline for that specific group.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

I could not imagine NOT being considerate and thinking first of the guests that may be visiting your house. You always accommodate those who visit and I always bring something if I am invited to someone else's house. If it is impromptu, then it is made up for on the next visit. Those that mooch, or never reciprocate are conveniently left off the future invite lists. To me, it is just the right thing to do.

[master-gauge Senior Member Member of the Month May 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close master-gauge]

Personally I've always held doors, said thank u, done things for people, bought things for others, loaned money etc. etc. But in recent years I've been "poker faced" when out and about, u simply have to be, I'm really not that willing anymore to go out of way for a stranger for fears of being taken advantage of..

My last GF (the one that cheated) was treated like gold, I loved that girl.. She "pooped" all over me, no matter how nice I was to her.. Door mat scenario.. Until I blew up.. Then it was bye, bye..

I think today with youth it's more about conditioning to be polite then anything.. Most kids-teens are jacka**es by nature, it's part of growing up, same with the bullying etc.. (when I was a kid, 3 o'clock by the monkey bars.. U fought then shook hands after, most times becoming friends after that).. So it stands to reason they need the guidance, otherwise they become self centered brats.. There is no real discipline they are taught, etc. ESPECIALLY AT SCHOOL.. Teacher looks at them funny, and it's a lawsuit and job loss.. So how can u deal with those situations?? U can't really.. It's like it doesn't register with them that other people have feelings because of not being made aware thru manners when at a young age.. I will admit thou, some younger people have surprised me with their manners in a good way, but that is only a few..

Another reason for people being not considerate?? I think anyway.. It's exactly what I am doing right now.. Using tech.. People's world's have gotten a lot smaller and "self centered", thanks to smart phones.. Everything is at the finger tips and no need to interact.. There are different days u could hear a pin drop in the lunch room even thou it was full to almost standing room, because of the phones.. No one talks anymore, they just text each other even in the same room.. People are really losing their social skills period..