Performance Anxiety

[Teddy12 Member Find all posts View Profile Close Teddy12]

Hello guys,
Been a while onsite for a few years. My journey started from the moment when I lost my virginity. I was dissatisfied with my performance, sometimes cuming in a few strokes. Relied heavily on edging, RKs, stretches, and other stuff. That time I was in a long-term relationship with my first sexual partner. As time passed, I managed to improve my performance, yet it was a rollercoaster. In some cases I came within a minutes, in other I was able not to cum at all. For instance, I could constantly have sex in a car for 10-20 minutes with her on top. I was almost always made her off with PIV or in other ways. Unfortunately, we broke up 4 months ago. We were together 3.5 years.
I decided to move on and now trying to have sex with other girls, however, now it is a complete disaster. The first sexual encounter after the break-up was a fail: I felt PORN as soon as my head touched her vagina, I clenched kegel, and had a kind of DO, yet lost my erection. In the end, I haven’t even entered her. After that, the girl didn’t respond to my messages.
Yesterday, I had a sex with new girl. It was a bit better but still sucks as fuck. As soon as she touches my penis with hand - I am having orgasmic feeling which I had to stop with kegel, which leads to kinda DO and results in lose of erection. I am desparate because when I am about to have a handjob my body all tenses up, mind goes wild, heart rate beats up, along with blood pressure, and I feeling as my pelvic floor clenches up.
Interesting, that I am able to edge easily with STU while watching porn. I am trying to follow Drummer and BigDuddy’s routine. Yesterday, I almost came when she just put her hand on my penis, even without stroking it.
Don’t really understand what to do, because every time I experience fail, I recall my past sexual performances and become disappointed further, missing my ex
Really need your help guys.

[soon2bhuge Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close soon2bhuge]

You could try some visualization techniques, imagining every detail and try to keep breathing deeply. They say that visualizing is the next best thing to actually doing the real thing, so I'd try that. It's what professionals in sports do as well, it's known to reduce performance anxiety. Also try out meditation to keep your mind calm!

[WillGetBetter Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close WillGetBetter]

Make a list of all the difference between when you edge with the STU and with real sex.

Breathing
Arousal
Erection level
Tension in pelvic floor
Body position
Anxiety level
Etc

Work to make real sex more like edging. I agree with soon2bhuge, mental visualization and relaxation are helpful. I do mindfulness meditation. During sex, I had to keep my arousal very low and my pelvic floor very loose. I would usually start her oral on her. I’d keep my clothes on, do many RKs, relax my breathing, and keep my thoughts flat. During sex, I had to stop everything when I first entered - and just breathe and RK. Girl on top worked the best because it was easier to keep my pelvic floor from clenching during each thrust. It sounds like muscle tension and anxiety are the big issues.

[Bobsadcock Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bobsadcock]

Hello guys,
Been a while onsite for a few years. My journey started from the moment when I lost my virginity. I was dissatisfied with my performance, sometimes cuming in a few strokes. Relied heavily on edging, RKs, stretches, and other stuff. That time I was in a long-term relationship with my first sexual partner. As time passed, I managed to improve my performance, yet it was a rollercoaster. In some cases I came within a minutes, in other I was able not to cum at all. For instance, I could constantly have sex in a car for 10-20 minutes with her on top. I was almost always made her off with PIV or in other ways. Unfortunately, we broke up 4 months ago. We were together 3.5 years.
I decided to move on and now trying to have sex with other girls, however, now it is a complete disaster. The first sexual encounter after the break-up was a fail: I felt PORN as soon as my head touched her vagina, I clenched kegel, and had a kind of DO, yet lost my erection. In the end, I haven’t even entered her. After that, the girl didn’t respond to my messages.
Yesterday, I had a sex with new girl. It was a bit better but still sucks as fuck. As soon as she touches my penis with hand - I am having orgasmic feeling which I had to stop with kegel, which leads to kinda DO and results in lose of erection. I am desparate because when I am about to have a handjob my body all tenses up, mind goes wild, heart rate beats up, along with blood pressure, and I feeling as my pelvic floor clenches up.
Interesting, that I am able to edge easily with STU while watching porn. I am trying to follow Drummer and BigDuddy’s routine. Yesterday, I almost came when she just put her hand on my penis, even without stroking it.
Don’t really understand what to do, because every time I experience fail, I recall my past sexual performances and become disappointed further, missing my ex
Really need your help guys.

You've come to the right place. Your story sounds very familiar to me, and I think many others here.

I used to get so nervous before sex that I would feel the need to take a dump. I'd edge for 20 minutes into an STU for months and then bust my load as soon as a girl held my dick.

Since others have given you some suggestions on how to continue with the training towards fixing your Pre-E, I'll just give a few suggestions on how to cope with the difficult emotional journey of dealing with it.

Firstly, I think you need to mentally prepare yourself that you will have many more instances of pre-e, as you work on fixing it. Before you have sex, prepare yourself for the likely event that you cum quickly. It will really take some stress off if you can communicate this to your partner. I think women sometimes find it endearing when men are willing to show their vulnerability to them. If you can convey this with a humorous and positive attitude, even better. As times goes by, you'll feel less nerves and you'll feel less pain after each failure. Why? Because you get used to it. Even if your pre-e never improves, it gets easier emotionally. And once you see improvements in curing your pre-e, you'll feel even better.

Now that you've accepted that your dick won't do what you want it to, for awhile at least, start using your other tools. Divert your partners' attention away from your dick and start working on their body with everything else you got, your fingers, hands, lips, tongue, etc. Thoroughly enjoy their bodies with all your senses, just not your dick yet, and work hard to satisfy them. And once you've made her cum twice with your fingers and your mouth, then it's not a big deal if you stick your dick in and cum in 2 seconds is it? There's a lot of sex to be enjoyed without your dick.

[Teddy12 Member Find all posts View Profile Close Teddy12]

Thank you for your message.

Have you managed to overcome this issue eventually ?

[Bobsadcock Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bobsadcock]

Thank you for your message.

Have you managed to overcome this issue eventually ?

Me? Work on progress. A lot of guys here have had a lot more success, but I've improved greatly.

I can have sex for a decent amount of time but i need to be in a good position and go at a pace I can manage. So sometimes I can't fuck as passionately as I or my partner wants. Sometimes my erection are bad too, pelvic floor issues are complicated and can cause can give you both pre-e and ed.

But you're not alone on this journey, and many here have walked or are walking the same paths. Keep at it.

[WillGetBetter Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close WillGetBetter]

Thank you for your message.

Have you managed to overcome this issue eventually ?

I have overcome it. It took a good six months of daily work to be consistent. I made incremental progress over the first two months, then I had a lot of ups and downs for 3-4 months as I figured a number of things out about how to control my pelvic floor tightness and mental state outside of and during sex. Then, I settled into a good system. 99% of the anxiety is gone. I can go as long as my wife wants/needs. The part of thrusting hard for a long period of time took a few months to build up to even after I had success increasing my time during sex. I could go more rigorously once I learned to thrust without tightening my pelvic floor. It was a body mechanics issue.

[DickerSchwanz Senior Member Member of the Month Sept 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close DickerSchwanz]

All in your head.
You are setting yourself up for failure. Too many thoughts and focus on wrong things.

What happens if you enjoy sex? Focus on that.

[mhenwo3198 Member Find all posts View Profile Close mhenwo3198]

I believe it s more psychological.

*He needs to focus not getting excited. No PORN, more communication or, more foreplay!
*He s routines seem to helps a lot.... Great Job! bro.
*He needs communicate with he s sex partners or Girlfriend more.
*An everybody may get really excited to cum sooner then wanted to! Everyone with time get better over time.

Guys killing yourselves! No one is a perfect lover off the bat.
An, every Women is different. Talk first, relax, and communicate.
Like, everyone keeps.... Saying enjoy sex and, keep training!
Good Luck! To everyone! Peace.