Hi everyone,
Posting on this site for the first time ever after some a bit of lurking over the last couple years. What finally brought me to do it is I'm recently single, PreE has been an issue in my last couple relationships, and I desperately want to fix this. With COVID19 going on + recent time from being single, feels like there's no better time.
I'm sure regulars on the forum see posts like mine regularly. I'm going to write up a quick intro for myself, though I think this is more for me than those of you reading. It's basically the story of what brought me here finally, if anyone reads this, I hope it might give some clarity on what advice you might recommend. Skip to under the bolded paragraph if it's irrelevant to you.
I'm almost 28. I lost my virginity when I was 18. I suspect I've suffered PreE most of my life, but didn't think much of it. I definitely did the bad habits described on this forum for most of high school (and after, more on that), but didn't think much of it. Everyone came fast when they started it seemed, I thought that was normal. I entered my first serious relationship at 18 (college). Definitely, for the first year, I was fast. Less than a minute, sometimes I would lose control even before the clothes were off. My ex was actually pretty sympathetic about this, she never once made me feel bad. We were young, recovery was quick, we'd have a second go. Over that year and the next, I did slowly feel my stamina increase. Pre-sex grinding stopped being any sort of concern. BJs, my endurance was increasing (strangely, I learned to kegel while getting one without knowing what I was doing, it seemed to help then). During penetration, my time to finish slowly increased as did my consistency. I was always self-conscious of my performance, but she always made it feel like she enjoyed herself greatly. And it made me feel good. Even my masturbation time to porn back then was increasing. I recall going to a strip club with her, had no fear of losing control during lap dances or anything like that (I'll come back to this, I mention it for a reason).
We broke up right after I was 20. My confidence was in the dumps. I didn't have the grades to stay in college, I was about 45 pounds overweight, I was living at home while all my friends were entering college internships, my ex hooked up with someone new immediately, and I could barely keep myself together for a minimum wage job and basic online classes. I felt TERRIBLE. Little did I know, I wasn't going to do anything sexual with a girl for 3 years, and it would be nearly 6 until I penetrated a girl again. At this point though, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was focused on making myself happy and getting through all of my other failures.
I didn't start dating again until I was almost 26. During those years, I managed to get back into school, get into the best shape I've ever been in and maintain it (I keep myself in the kind of shape needed to do very cardio/strength related type sports), and get a job that I never believe I would have achieved doing exactly what I wanted. In regards to confidence, I did almost everything I never thought I'd be able to do...
Which brings me to this post today. As mentioned I had very few sexual experiences between ages of 20-26. I got a few blowjobs at age 23, lasted maybe for 15 seconds at best. Went to a strip club a few months later (first one since the previously mentioned event), came in my pants. The endurance built from my previously relationship was gone. I also lived at home when I wasn't at school, and continued to do so until age 25. Watched a ton of porn, typically would watch and finish in about 3-4 minutes. Didn't even think about what that was doing to my body.
At age 26 I was with my next girlfriend. Short relationship. Girl was super sexual. First couple times I finished in seconds, I blamed it on being out of the game for awhile. She caught on when it kept happening. She asked me if I had "a problem" right towards the end of that relationship. It crushed me, made me more self conscious than ever. We broke up.
A few months later I entered into my most recent relationship. We were together until just a couple months ago. It was the first time I ever told someone I had a PreE problem, I did right when we started dating. We stayed together for nearly a year and a half. Sex, though, was always frustrating. I could probably count the number of orgasms I have her, and only once was it from penetration. Any penetration that happened, it was on go #2 about as soon as I could regain my erection. Even then, sometimes it would only be 5-7 minutes before I finished again. When we broke up, we hadn't had full intercourse in a few months. She said that didn't play a role, but she was never not frustrated by our sex life, so it's hard to believe that.
In recovering from this relationship, I've listened to a lot of David Goggins. I come from a combat sport background, his mindset has helped me a lot in getting over the breakup. It's also motivated me to finally take this PreE situation head on and put in the work. I even brought it up during my most recent physical (a couple weeks ago). The doctor (generalist) told me it was likely genetic, that numbing wipes or anti-depressants were really the only known treatments. Neither of those sounds good, which is what brought me back here and to make this post. Just knowing there is a community for something like this helps, and I'm hoping members here might have dealt with an experience like mine.
I've worked so much on my confidence over the years, this is the last thing that makes me feel terrible about myself. And it's a big one. I'm scared to date, to disappoint, to the point where I know it's affecting my subconscious. I've had to fight the notion that "sex isn't for me", watching movies/TV where people are enjoying sex makes me feel uneasy, on the occasion I have a wet dream, I'm even dreaming I'm preEing in whatever the scenario is.
I only bold the above because about 1.5 months ago, that's where I was in full. So here's what I've done so far (besides talking with my doctor, which wasn't helpful):
Edging - I've made a point to edge regularly. I started at 20 minutes a night, 4 nights a week. I've worked up to 6 nights a week now. I only finish 1, 2 times a week at most. For the first month, I would do 2-3 sets of kegels when I came close to the PONR, 3 seconds hold 3 seconds rest (all I could do), which I've now worked up to 10+ seconds per rep (with the same amount of second of rest between reps). I don't know if this has helped, but I seem to have more control when I'm edging.
I always use lube (coconut oil). I've read about RK and have started trying them. I have no idea if I'm doing them right. When I push like I'm peeing/pooping, I can see a visible change (when holding a mirror under there) of what appears to be the rear part of my pelvic muscles expanding. I think this is right?
Beyond this, I'm still struggling on what to do. I think my time to PONR has increased, if I go slow and keep my mind clear, I can usually go almost or entirely for 20 minutes. When I speed things up and add sexual thoughts, it can drop down to 7-10, though after a 1 minute break I can seemingly go another 10 minutes.
To me, it always seems like the stimulation of a real girl is what does me in more than anything.
I know I have a limited amount of info to provide right now. I read the I read the preE90 guide stickied on this forum, I've answered the questions below for some additional clarity on where I think I'm at:
When describing your masturbation habits consider:
When describing how you have sex consider:
Anyways, I'm hoping to get some guidance, if nothing else something to focus on while I refine my regiment. I'm going to beat this, I won't let myself fail. I wrote what I wrote to communicate where my mind was at, even recently, and to show I really do mean to attack this with the dedication I need to. I've seen some good starting guides, it's just so hard to know which one is the right one to begin with.
Anyone who spends a moment to read this and give their advice/support, it means the world to me.
Posting on this site for the first time ever after some a bit of lurking over the last couple years. What finally brought me to do it is I'm recently single, PreE has been an issue in my last couple relationships, and I desperately want to fix this. With COVID19 going on + recent time from being single, feels like there's no better time.
I'm sure regulars on the forum see posts like mine regularly. I'm going to write up a quick intro for myself, though I think this is more for me than those of you reading. It's basically the story of what brought me here finally, if anyone reads this, I hope it might give some clarity on what advice you might recommend. Skip to under the bolded paragraph if it's irrelevant to you.
I'm almost 28. I lost my virginity when I was 18. I suspect I've suffered PreE most of my life, but didn't think much of it. I definitely did the bad habits described on this forum for most of high school (and after, more on that), but didn't think much of it. Everyone came fast when they started it seemed, I thought that was normal. I entered my first serious relationship at 18 (college). Definitely, for the first year, I was fast. Less than a minute, sometimes I would lose control even before the clothes were off. My ex was actually pretty sympathetic about this, she never once made me feel bad. We were young, recovery was quick, we'd have a second go. Over that year and the next, I did slowly feel my stamina increase. Pre-sex grinding stopped being any sort of concern. BJs, my endurance was increasing (strangely, I learned to kegel while getting one without knowing what I was doing, it seemed to help then). During penetration, my time to finish slowly increased as did my consistency. I was always self-conscious of my performance, but she always made it feel like she enjoyed herself greatly. And it made me feel good. Even my masturbation time to porn back then was increasing. I recall going to a strip club with her, had no fear of losing control during lap dances or anything like that (I'll come back to this, I mention it for a reason).
We broke up right after I was 20. My confidence was in the dumps. I didn't have the grades to stay in college, I was about 45 pounds overweight, I was living at home while all my friends were entering college internships, my ex hooked up with someone new immediately, and I could barely keep myself together for a minimum wage job and basic online classes. I felt TERRIBLE. Little did I know, I wasn't going to do anything sexual with a girl for 3 years, and it would be nearly 6 until I penetrated a girl again. At this point though, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was focused on making myself happy and getting through all of my other failures.
I didn't start dating again until I was almost 26. During those years, I managed to get back into school, get into the best shape I've ever been in and maintain it (I keep myself in the kind of shape needed to do very cardio/strength related type sports), and get a job that I never believe I would have achieved doing exactly what I wanted. In regards to confidence, I did almost everything I never thought I'd be able to do...
Which brings me to this post today. As mentioned I had very few sexual experiences between ages of 20-26. I got a few blowjobs at age 23, lasted maybe for 15 seconds at best. Went to a strip club a few months later (first one since the previously mentioned event), came in my pants. The endurance built from my previously relationship was gone. I also lived at home when I wasn't at school, and continued to do so until age 25. Watched a ton of porn, typically would watch and finish in about 3-4 minutes. Didn't even think about what that was doing to my body.
At age 26 I was with my next girlfriend. Short relationship. Girl was super sexual. First couple times I finished in seconds, I blamed it on being out of the game for awhile. She caught on when it kept happening. She asked me if I had "a problem" right towards the end of that relationship. It crushed me, made me more self conscious than ever. We broke up.
A few months later I entered into my most recent relationship. We were together until just a couple months ago. It was the first time I ever told someone I had a PreE problem, I did right when we started dating. We stayed together for nearly a year and a half. Sex, though, was always frustrating. I could probably count the number of orgasms I have her, and only once was it from penetration. Any penetration that happened, it was on go #2 about as soon as I could regain my erection. Even then, sometimes it would only be 5-7 minutes before I finished again. When we broke up, we hadn't had full intercourse in a few months. She said that didn't play a role, but she was never not frustrated by our sex life, so it's hard to believe that.
In recovering from this relationship, I've listened to a lot of David Goggins. I come from a combat sport background, his mindset has helped me a lot in getting over the breakup. It's also motivated me to finally take this PreE situation head on and put in the work. I even brought it up during my most recent physical (a couple weeks ago). The doctor (generalist) told me it was likely genetic, that numbing wipes or anti-depressants were really the only known treatments. Neither of those sounds good, which is what brought me back here and to make this post. Just knowing there is a community for something like this helps, and I'm hoping members here might have dealt with an experience like mine.
I've worked so much on my confidence over the years, this is the last thing that makes me feel terrible about myself. And it's a big one. I'm scared to date, to disappoint, to the point where I know it's affecting my subconscious. I've had to fight the notion that "sex isn't for me", watching movies/TV where people are enjoying sex makes me feel uneasy, on the occasion I have a wet dream, I'm even dreaming I'm preEing in whatever the scenario is.
I only bold the above because about 1.5 months ago, that's where I was in full. So here's what I've done so far (besides talking with my doctor, which wasn't helpful):
Edging - I've made a point to edge regularly. I started at 20 minutes a night, 4 nights a week. I've worked up to 6 nights a week now. I only finish 1, 2 times a week at most. For the first month, I would do 2-3 sets of kegels when I came close to the PONR, 3 seconds hold 3 seconds rest (all I could do), which I've now worked up to 10+ seconds per rep (with the same amount of second of rest between reps). I don't know if this has helped, but I seem to have more control when I'm edging.
I always use lube (coconut oil). I've read about RK and have started trying them. I have no idea if I'm doing them right. When I push like I'm peeing/pooping, I can see a visible change (when holding a mirror under there) of what appears to be the rear part of my pelvic muscles expanding. I think this is right?
Beyond this, I'm still struggling on what to do. I think my time to PONR has increased, if I go slow and keep my mind clear, I can usually go almost or entirely for 20 minutes. When I speed things up and add sexual thoughts, it can drop down to 7-10, though after a 1 minute break I can seemingly go another 10 minutes.
To me, it always seems like the stimulation of a real girl is what does me in more than anything.
I know I have a limited amount of info to provide right now. I read the I read the preE90 guide stickied on this forum, I've answered the questions below for some additional clarity on where I think I'm at:
When describing your masturbation habits consider:
- How long does it last? (20+ minutes currently, while edging. First PONR sensation can happen anywhere between 7-20 minutes depending on pace/thoughts).
- Do you use lube? (Now, yes).
- Do you use a fleshlight? (No).
- Is your pelvic floor tight or loose? (Honestly, I have NO IDEA, I can now hold a kegel for awhile, but I couldn't when I started).
- Do you have involuntary kegels? (I've read about this, I don't think so. If they are, they're subtle. They happen but I've learned the sensation and tend to avoid them until near the end).
- Which part of the penis is the most sensitive? (Glans, frenulum, other) (Frenulum, top half of penis underside, glans actually seems fine).
- What body positions do you masturbate in? (Standing, sitting. More often sitting on the ground lately when I edge).
- Describe your breathing. Describe your overall muscle tension. Describe your sexual thoughts. (Breathing is getting better and more controlled, but I sometimes forget to. Sexual thoughts, depends. If I'm going for length of time none, when I add the in I definitely feel the tingle come quicker).
- Do you ejaculate every time you masturbate? (I used to, I've limited this to 1-2 times a week now since edging. Only twice if I'm doing 6-7 edge sessions in a week).
- Do you watch porn? (Used to, but I've stopped for a few months now).
When describing how you have sex consider:
- How long does it last? (Under a minute)
- Is your pelvic floor tight or loose? (Again, hard to tell)
- Do you have involuntary kegels? (Sex is overwhelming followed by my own disappointment, I've never actually thought about this during sex).
- Are the glans, frenulum, or other areas of the penis highly sensitive? (Yes, always when with a girl)
- What positions do you have sex in? What position is the easiest and most difficult when having sex? (Cowboy, Doggy, missionary, girl with 1 or 2 legs up during missionary. Cowboy is the easiest to maintain during, doggy is the hardest).
- Describe your breathing. Describe your overall muscle tension. Describe your sexual thoughts. (Breathing can be good, but sometimes it doesn't seem to make a difference. Thoughts in the last couple years have almost all been around my ejaculation/time to ejaculation).
- What are your body and mind doing during foreplay? Are you highly aroused by the time you start intercourse? (I'm highly aroused even before it starts most of the time. I have tended to be terrified of foreplay since I know I'll finish if we engage in it, usually within seconds).
Anyways, I'm hoping to get some guidance, if nothing else something to focus on while I refine my regiment. I'm going to beat this, I won't let myself fail. I wrote what I wrote to communicate where my mind was at, even recently, and to show I really do mean to attack this with the dedication I need to. I've seen some good starting guides, it's just so hard to know which one is the right one to begin with.
Anyone who spends a moment to read this and give their advice/support, it means the world to me.
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