Crashed and burned

[ktrp]

Well, after things sort of going decently for a while I hadn't been focusing as well. My wife and I have had a lot of problems around sex (non pe related) and at this point we're having sex once per week. Once and only once. However she is putting a little more effort in - 6 months ago she was grouchy about sex, she may not be excited now beforehand but is dressing up and trying to have fun when it happens.

Last week didn't go great. Maybe I'd been jerking off improperly too much or maybe it was something else but within a minute or so of actual sex I felt I'd crept past ponr. I told her I was going to cum and just thrusted vigorously. When i finished I kegeled as hard as i could and kept going. Was losing some hardness but kept enough to go for another minute and she finished too. I was bothered which annoyed her - she though it was fine.

Last night we had sex again. I edged for 20 minutes without ejac twice last week and also masturbated for about 15 minutes and finished. Last day or so I'd been turned on a lot.

Anyway foreplay was nice, I rubbed around the opening for a bit then inserted. I tried to just sit there And caress her till arousal dropped enough to start thrusting.

Didn't happen. I tried to pull out snd that was enough and I burst right there. I finished her with oral but she was a bit frustrated.

I'm battling the crap in my head right now. I dont have anywhere else to say this. I feel like crap. Like I'm not a real man. Like I'm worthless. That I can't even has sex - forget well, at all. A friend of my wife's was trying to talk her (my wife) into trying what's basically my biggest fantasy. I couldn't even do it today.

Maybe. I don't even know. I was fine 3 weeks ago. And those thoughts I know are whiny drama. This is fixable. But I feel pretty low.

Gotta do all the main exercises but two things stand out:
- my mental arousal was too high all.... week. Gotta practice bringing that down. May need to introduce bygD audio/visual to edging.
- I felt vaguely blue ballish. I still do. Is it just that from edging or am I holding a light kegel or something?
- suspect an imbalanced (reverse heavy or 100%) kegel routine might help.

K

[4Samson]

The first thing that pops into my head is are you remembering to breath normally and deeply during intercourse? Theres alot of different exercises you can try but for me breathing properly makes the biggest difference. Forget to breath = orgasm.

[ktrp]

Thanks for commenting. I strongly suspect my breathing was suspect. I felt too excited even before we started - but heart sped up etc. definitely need to focus on breathing. I think I went in with too much mental arousal and went through the motions of trying to pause and use reverse and so on, but my mind was way too caught up in it

Maybe it's all her fault. She was wearing stockings and pulled her legs straight onto my shoulders while I kneeled and then as I went I her she just had this huge smile on her face... How could she do that

[Pegasus]

This does sound like an arousal issue, though I wouldn't blame your wife for being into it. Part of the reason for this appears to be lack of sex and perhaps you are not ejaculating enough.
Reverse kegel routine might help but it would only be part of the answer.

[ktrp]

Thanks for the reply.

Was joking about it being my 'wife's fault'. She's apparently had no libido for years, but she enjoys sex when it happens. Since we've gone to once a week, she's bringing more enthusiasm to the proceedings, and that's a good thing.

I had problems months ago which rapidly got under control through a combination of edging, awareness, reverse kegels and remembering to keep a 'loose ass'. It seems to be primarily an arousal issue this past time, though reverse kegel strength could definitely be higher. I was trying to do some today, it seems that not only are they weaker then kegels, but the 'front reverse' in particular is weak. I'm not sure how big an issue it is, since it SEEMS to be more the rear reverse that fights off the involuntary twitches.

I wonder if anyone has thoughts on how often to ejaculate if one is having sex, or how far in advance?

I looked at the sheets this morning ... I did ejaculate a tremendous amount.

[FrankKissel]

Hey ktrp .... sounds like you and I have a common issue here. I've gotten to the point where I can edge 10-20 minutes without bumping up against the PONR, but when the real thing comes along, I'm often done in 60 seconds or less.

As Pegasus suggests, over arousal is likely part of the problem. I would also blame a second 'A' word - anxiety. When I edge - thanks to a combination of self confidence and indifference (I'm going solo ... who cares how long it lasts?) - I can last at least adequately. But when another's pleasure rides at least somewhat on my performance, I lose it. Which, of course, only breeds more anxiety. PE is a bitch that way.

Anyhow, other than the standard advice about breathing and relaxing (easier said than done, at least on the latter) anyone here have any thoughts on (preferably naturally) reducing anxiety?
Thanks

[JamesMonroe]

I suggest edging WITH lube WITHOUT watching porn and switching to light ballooning at PONR to continue stimulation so that you dont get used to the start and stop method than women hate during sex. A fleshlight is great too. Only ejaculate every 3-7 days. Spasms and sensitivity can be controlled with regular and reverse kegels if they are also practiced ALONE outside of sex as a separate exercise first. Some people have to do way more reverse kegels than regular kegels to cure themselves. I suggest stopping regular kegels for a long while. I personally hold a light REVERSE kegel the whole time during sex to stay relaxed and in control and I do a strong hard one at the PONR to stop ejaculation/spasms. Spasms and sensitivity can go away completely and you can last a long time during masturbation and sex and thrust deep and hard non-stop like a porn star if u masturbate or have sex 3 times in a row with only a 3-6 minute break between rounds, but you have to not drink alcohol, have a willing sex partner and have a high sex drive/good erections. NEVER masturbate to porn. I went from 1 minute to up to 60 minutes doing all the things I mentioned above. Another good tip is watching porn without touching yourself, having slow controlled sex and having sex in the most arousing positions to get used to them. That will make all other positions feel like a piece of cake.*
Bottom line: more sex, less porn, less masturbation = less prem ejac. Always try to have sex 2-3 times per encounter. Good luck.

[adiavroxos]

ktrp.
The 60'' thing is indeed really frustrating. It has happened to me a few times too. However, during a random sex talk at work with some mates there, I found out that it happens to most of them from time to time. Arousal and really wanting to cum, or really wanting NOT to cum causes this.
You can edge or balloon as much as you want, this will make you able to last longer during masturbation but WILL NOT remove your stress during or before sex. During masturbation, you dont care how much will you last, or if your gf will be satisfied. Its just you.
However, when you think you NEED to please your loved one, or MUST last long enough then things get really tough. Your stress skyrockets. You need to stop doing that to yourself or you may encounter erectile disfunction aswell. Also happened to me. You cant have sex when you are really stressed...
Do you sometimes get the feeling to cum just as soon as you penetrate? Also happened to me. It's clearly a performance anxiety issue.
What really helped me was to mentally relax. I dont mean to think of something else or close your eyes during intercourse or foreplay, just NOT to care about ejaculation at all. Dont care if you feel like ejaculating right away. If you feel like that, then just stop for a while and do something else. For example, after several minutes of thrusting, when I see that my PONR is starting to show up, I start to move really really slow, or stop, or even stop and get out and do something else, like oral sex. This will lower your heat while keeping her ready to explode. Dont think about your penis during that as it will make things even worse and even the slightest touch will trigger ejac. Just enjoy the moment. If the girl asks why you did this, then just be honest with her. You dont want to ejaculate because you want this to last longer so you can please her too. This will relief you of a HUGE amount of stress.
If you are not stressed or afraid this wont happen.

[JamesMonroe]

ktrp.
The 60'' thing is indeed really frustrating. It has happened to me a few times too. However, during a random sex talk at work with some mates there, I found out that it happens to most of them from time to time. Arousal and really wanting to cum, or really wanting NOT to cum causes this.
You can edge or balloon as much as you want, this will make you able to last longer during masturbation but WILL NOT remove your stress during or before sex. During masturbation, you dont care how much will you last, or if your gf will be satisfied. Its just you.
However, when you think you NEED to please your loved one, or MUST last long enough then things get really tough. Your stress skyrockets. You need to stop doing that to yourself or you may encounter erectile disfunction aswell. Also happened to me. You cant have sex when you are really stressed...
Do you sometimes get the feeling to cum just as soon as you penetrate? Also happened to me. It's clearly a performance anxiety issue.
What really helped me was to mentally relax. I dont mean to think of something else or close your eyes during intercourse or foreplay, just NOT to care about ejaculation at all. Dont care if you feel like ejaculating right away. If you feel like that, then just stop for a while and do something else. For example, after several minutes of thrusting, when I see that my PONR is starting to show up, I start to move really really slow, or stop, or even stop and get out and do something else, like oral sex. This will lower your heat while keeping her ready to explode. Dont think about your penis during that as it will make things even worse and even the slightest touch will trigger ejac. Just enjoy the moment. If the girl asks why you did this, then just be honest with her. You dont want to ejaculate because you want this to last longer so you can please her too. This will relief you of a HUGE amount of stress.
If you are not stressed or afraid this wont happen.

Great points. Stopping for a not of oral is a great idea and it works every time. I also don't believe in edging ballooning anymore. It helped in the beginning sure, but now I know it's about real sex training. Sex sex and more sex. 2-3 times per session and attacking the most intense positions to get used to them. Also reverse kegels. That's how you overcome prem ejac. Facing it head on and head in. Haha.

[ktrp]

Great points. Stopping for a not of oral is a great idea and it works every time. I also don't believe in edging ballooning anymore. It helped in the beginning sure, but now I know it's about real sex training. Sex sex and more sex. 2-3 times per session and attacking the most intense positions to get used to them. Also reverse kegels. That's how you overcome prem ejac. Facing it head on and head in. Haha.

Wife is up for sex once a week, one session only right now. Which limits practice, ability to benefit from multiple times and does indeed make it harder to relax. Bitching about that is pointless, that's where things are right now and i simply need to cope.

Contrary to one suggestion, I did edge with porn. i went 20 minutes no porn sunday, 20 minutes with pics monday (ejac at end), 20 minutes this morning with video (no sound) for last 10 of an act that turns me on a ton. Went surprisingly well. Am trying to focus a little more on breathing when required. Stop-start is rare when edging, normally i can simply slow down, RK, breathe better and occasionally shift from sitting to standing or kneeling. When edging I consider stop-start the 'nuclear' option, only if all others failed. Edging I'm using lube with all stimulation focused on glans. It really does feel twice as good as how I used to masturbate - i realize i used to get off from mental with a little physical.

Appreciate all insights.

'Snap out of it' as a technique (described by either drummer or minuteman) can actually help, i actually lightly slapped myself monday and it helped. But when you are kind of zoning, you can sort of shake your head (literally) and feel the cool air going in through your nose and move back to a more 'rational/aware' state. I've been trying a few other mental exercises that helped as well. I never know how helpful what works for me mentally would be to others, and of course they always seem silly, but things i did a little of:
- imagined I'd _already_ cum, but was still hard. It seemed to help my brain shift to that ... sort of 'clouds parted and clear mind' i get post orgasm.
- imagined it was a 'job'. i imagined having sex, but not because i was excited, more like i was a porn star or something, and i was simply thrusting in and out for a long time.
- imagined my goal was to earn 'points' for thrusting. sounds dumb, but looking now i realize both the last two shifted it from being a 'i'm excited to have sex' to 'rational brain choosing to have sex'.

I do need to relax. My wife is having sex once a week, 'for me'. She normally cums (and wants to when it starts). Well if she wants to cum that bad during sex, she'd have sex twice if i came fast. If she doesn't want it enough to do that, should I be worried? No I should not.