I wonder if my wife is contributing to PE?

[tazbo7 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close tazbo7]

Hey guys

Second or so post here, I am really working on this trying to figure out what is wrong. It can be an obsession! I am 20 years married to a great woman. She's fit and sexy, not super inventive in bed, but very good and low drama overall.

I have always had some sort of PE type response with her. We normally start with foreplay (somewhere around 5-10 minutes) with kissing and touching which feels great and very natural. We then usually go toward me going down on her, to orgasm (which is the only way she can climax historically, not just with me). This normally takes about 10 minutes or so and is very enjoyable for me - perhaps too enjoyable. Then she either goes down on me for a few minutes or I we have intercourse, which can last usually only about a minute or two at the most.

Now here's the challenge:
1) if she goes down on me at any time, I can control myself entirely, I never cum unless she is trying to that effect.
2) She is very tight - petite and was unable to deliver my kids vaginally. I consider her very tight, and I am average length / girth, but she calls me "huge".
3) I have been able to last long enough to bring other women (20 years ago) to orgasm vaginally. My memory is fuzzy but I don’t recall half as much friction.
4) I can edge myself (through masturbation) for 40 minutes and stop without cumming, but I am intensely aroused and after 30 minutes of edging I can almost cum without touching my penis (through breathing or just bending in the middle).
5) Because she has orgasmed already, she doesn't like long intercourse, so she's perfectly content to have me last 1 minute. I would prefer to last longer and feel almost inadequate (though she has already climaxed). It can hurt my feelings that sex is about 1 minute of enjoyment for me overall.
6) I have given up porn and masturbation for many reasons - I was overdoing this and I think I might have built in this "quick draw" response as a furtive response.
7) I catch myself with a partial kegal throughout my day, and sometimes while I am showering, I have one the entire time.

What seems to me is that it is likely some sort of performance anxiety. I think by the time I am first inside her I am fully ready! I can identify the PONR when having sex and it comes and goes so quickly I can do nothing to stop it. I am also perhaps changing too many things at once (working on some codependency issues and other things) so I would love a little help puzzling this out. Thank you!

[Robberman Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Robberman]

I only have suggestions to point 7. You should read these forums linked below and have a go at relaxing your pelvic floor.

https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...r-balance.html

https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...se-kegels.html

I suggest having a go at the meditative reverse kegels, they are great for me when I do it three times a week.

[GlennConnors Member Find all posts View Profile Close GlennConnors]

Hey Tazbo,

Seems to me like a psychological cause of PE. I've written some replies in bold to the questions you posed.

Hey guys

Second or so post here, I am really working on this trying to figure out what is wrong. It can be an obsession! I am 20 years married to a great woman. She's fit and sexy, not super inventive in bed, but very good and low drama overall.

I have always had some sort of PE type response with her. We normally start with foreplay (somewhere around 5-10 minutes) with kissing and touching which feels great and very natural. We then usually go toward me going down on her, to orgasm (which is the only way she can climax historically, not just with me). This normally takes about 10 minutes or so and is very enjoyable for me - perhaps too enjoyable. Then she either goes down on me for a few minutes or I we have intercourse, which can last usually only about a minute or two at the most.

Now here's the challenge:
1) if she goes down on me at any time, I can control myself entirely, I never cum unless she is trying to that effect.
Good! How do you control yourself at that moment? Does it excite you? Do you let her excite you?
2) She is very tight - petite and was unable to deliver my kids vaginally. I consider her very tight, and I am average length / girth, but she calls me "huge".
If she's tight then anything will seem big to her. Don't worry.
3) I have been able to last long enough to bring other women (20 years ago) to orgasm vaginally. My memory is fuzzy but I don’t recall half as much friction.
They probably weren't as tight, meaning less friction for you so less stimulation = later climax.
4) I can edge myself (through masturbation) for 40 minutes and stop without cumming, but I am intensely aroused and after 30 minutes of edging I can almost cum without touching my penis (through breathing or just bending in the middle).
Seems like when you're alone you can perfectly control yourself. I'm thinking it has to do with performance pressure when you're together.
5) Because she has orgasmed already, she doesn't like long intercourse, so she's perfectly content to have me last 1 minute. I would prefer to last longer and feel almost inadequate (though she has already climaxed). It can hurt my feelings that sex is about 1 minute of enjoyment for me overall.
There you have it: psychological causes. You're pressuring yourself into PE because you think you need to last longer. That (very likely) causes anxiety and in turn a PE.
6) I have given up porn and masturbation for many reasons - I was overdoing this and I think I might have built in this "quick draw" response as a furtive response.
Masturbation can cause PE, but doing it the right way can only help you fight it. In your case I don't think it helps.
7) I catch myself with a partial kegal throughout my day, and sometimes while I am showering, I have one the entire time.

What seems to me is that it is likely some sort of performance anxiety. I think by the time I am first inside her I am fully ready! I can identify the PONR when having sex and it comes and goes so quickly I can do nothing to stop it. I am also perhaps changing too many things at once (working on some codependency issues and other things) so I would love a little help puzzling this out. Thank you!

I agree with your analysis that it's performance anxiety. To combat that you can just take deep calm breaths while you're at it (check my blog in a couple days, I'll have a post ready with a breathing technique). The only cause for the anxiety is yourself, as from your post it seems that your partner is perfectly happy with the way things are going in bed.
So stop pressuring yourself!

[Glamissand1 Senior Member Member of the Month March 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close Glamissand1]

It might be that you take care of her first. I resently read an artical about nose breathing and N.O. production. When you breath thru your nose you build up more N.O. in your blood. Secondly her V primed and ready to milk your dick after an orgasm. To make sex last longer I have my wife suck me off first. Then I lick her to orgasm, it may be the nose breathing or the act, but I get a hardon quick while I'm licking her. Sometimes I just go slow while kissing her allover just to add alittle me time.

[JamesMonroe Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JamesMonroe]

There could be some performance anxiety but I think there is much more going on here. First of all, YES, I definitely think you have made yourself quick to the draw with your porn and masturbation routine. I also think its because she has a small and tight vagina. NOT ONLY THAT: After some women orgasm, they immediately become very dry so that makes extra tightness and friction, which makes you ejac easier.

Answer me all of these questions please:
1) how old are you
2) how many years masturbating
3) how many years masturbating to porn
4) exactly with specifics, how have you masrurbated all your life? (Sitting on a hard chair on the computer, laying flat on your bed? Light, loose, soft grip with light touches and strokes or tight hard grip with lots of friction and hard strokes? Entire shaft and head or just certain parts? Full palm and fingers or mostly just fingers? Lube or no lube?)
5) you say you can last 30-40 edging, but how long do you last watching porn and masturbating like you usually did in the past before learning about edging and how long do u last with porn now-a-days also?
6) do you feel like you are very sensitive with spasms and involuntary kegels?
Please answer all of these questions so I can try to help. Thanx.

[JamesMonroe Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JamesMonroe]

It might be that you take care of her first. I resently read an artical about nose breathing and N.O. production. When you breath thru your nose you build up more N.O. in your blood. Secondly her V primed and ready to milk your dick after an orgasm. To make sex last longer I have my wife suck me off first. Then I lick her to orgasm, it may be the nose breathing or the act, but I get a hardon quick while I'm licking her. Sometimes I just go slow while kissing her allover just to add alittle me time.

Wait.... so is breathing through the nose better or not. And what is NO? oxygen? So is more oxygen better for sex? Please explain....?

[Glamissand1 Senior Member Member of the Month March 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close Glamissand1]

Wait.... so is breathing through the nose better or not. And what is NO? oxygen? So is more oxygen better for sex? Please explain....?

N.O. is what makes smooth muscles relax = boner. Breathing thru nose increases N.O. in blood stream. Also humming thru nose can increase N.O. by 10 times. Just in nose humming makes raging boners! Lol science proven

[tazbo7 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close tazbo7]

Hey Tazbo,

Seems to me like a psychological cause of PE. I've written some replies in bold to the questions you posed.
I agree with your analysis that it's performance anxiety. To combat that you can just take deep calm breaths while you're at it (check my blog in a couple days, I'll have a post ready with a breathing technique). The only cause for the anxiety is yourself, as from your post it seems that your partner is perfectly happy with the way things are going in bed. So stop pressuring yourself!

Thanks Glenn. I am being treated presently for some anxiety so its no big surprise. I do feel like she's completely fulfilled (and was not orgasmic at all before we met 20 years ago) but my anxiety and "unhappy fantasy" here is that she would enjoy it much more with someone that could last. I also remember some amazing sex with women when came together. One woman in particular was practically a nymphomanic, so it almost doesn't count! I'll try breathing and taking a lighter approach.

It might be that you take care of her first. I resently read an artical about nose breathing and N.O. production. When you breath thru your nose you build up more N.O. in your blood. Secondly her V primed and ready to milk your dick after an orgasm. To make sex last longer I have my wife suck me off first. Then I lick her to orgasm, it may be the nose breathing or the act, but I get a hardon quick while I'm licking her. Sometimes I just go slow while kissing her allover just to add alittle me time.

This is an interesting point. She's not always interested in doing this, and rarely has done it to orgasm for me - I think she doesn't like it unfortunately. I have done this before and after my refractory period I could last 10-15 minutes easily, it was like this when we were trying to conceive kids. I would like to mention this to her, maybe she'd go for it again. It's been several years since we did it that way.

[tazbo7 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close tazbo7]

I appreciate your offer James!

There could be some performance anxiety but I think there is much more going on here. First of all, YES, I definitely think you have made yourself quick to the draw with your porn and masturbation routine. I also think its because she has a small and tight vagina. NOT ONLY THAT: After some women orgasm, they immediately become very dry so that makes extra tightness and friction, which makes you ejac easier.

Answer me all of these questions please:
1) how old are you 44
2) how many years masturbating (sigh) 30?
3) how many years masturbating to porn 20?
4) exactly with specifics, how have you masturbated all your life? (Sitting on a hard chair on the computer, laying flat on your bed? Light, loose, soft grip with light touches and strokes or tight hard grip with lots of friction and hard strokes? Entire shaft and head or just certain parts? Full palm and fingers or mostly just fingers? Lube or no lube?) Hmm, a little of both bed as a younger person, or shower. At a computer in a comfortable chair later in life. Mostly a full hand grip very much like a vagina, somewhat rough, full penis. No lube (where would I hide it )
5) you say you can last 30-40 edging, but how long do you last watching porn and masturbating like you usually did in the past before learning about edging and how long do u last with porn now-a-days also? No porn for me now, it was a big part of my problem. I was supplementing my sex life too much with it, and had a "shame" complex forming around it. But, when I did, it was very rapid, minutes (1-2) out of fear someone could see me.
6) do you feel like you are very sensitive with spasms and involuntary kegels? Yes, very. I was saying that sometimes I feel myself during sex hold a PC kegal the whole time during intercourse. I have recently tried to relax it and myself and it seems to help, but it makes a mess of the experience with too much focus on that part of my body.

Please answer all of these questions so I can try to help. Thanx. Thank YOU!

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

I would add in here but these fine gentlemen above have said it all. I might suggest that it seems as if you are completely turned on by your wife and that is awsome after 20 years of marriage. I noticed the comment above about getting a blowjob and cumming before intercourse, have you tried this or even maybe rubbing one out earlier in the day. It may help as it would release the built up stresses and help you to be relaxed before the evening session. Alos how frequently do you have sex. I know if I go a week I dont last long but me and the wife have sex quite ofte and I can usually last as log as I want and often have to "hurry " for her.

[9TeXaS0BaD3BoY Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 9TeXaS0BaD3BoY]

There could be some performance anxiety but I think there is much more going on here. First of all, YES, I definitely think you have made yourself quick to the draw with your porn and masturbation routine. I also think its because she has a small and tight vagina. NOT ONLY THAT: After some women orgasm, they immediately become very dry so that makes extra tightness and friction, which makes you ejac easier.

Answer me all of these questions please:
1) how old are you (34)
2) how many years masturbating (since I was 12)
3) how many years masturbating to porn (about the same age)
4) exactly with specifics, how have you masrurbated all your life? (Sitting on a hard chair on the computer, laying flat on your bed? Light, loose, soft grip with light touches and strokes or tight hard grip with lots of friction and hard strokes? Entire shaft and head or just certain parts? Full palm and fingers or mostly just fingers? Lube or no lube?) (All the above, mostly hard)
5) you say you can last 30-40 edging, but how long do you last watching porn and masturbating like you usually did in the past before learning about edging and how long do u last with porn now-a-days also? (only edged a few times but I lasted about 30 mins, with porn and before like 3-15 mins)
6) do you feel like you are very sensitive with spasms and involuntary kegels? (yes, when I cum I tense up and cant cum well, most the time)
Please answer all of these questions so I can try to help. Thanx.

Obviously I'm not tazbo7, but I can relate and would like a lil knowledge dropped on me lol thanks

[tazbo7 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close tazbo7]

Hah, BigO, I love the avatar. Thanks for your post.

I am definitely turned on by her, perhaps a little too much so. Besides the interesting and intriguing person she is (artist type), she and I both have had life makeovers and she could pass for mid 20's around here. She has been carded buying beer, which we both find crazy with her being 42.

I do definitely last longer masturbating before sex, but over masturbating / porn was a big problem for me. We went on a 90 day celibacy program early this year and it broke me of my porn addiction (sad to say it really was one). I know I can return to masturbating every once in a while to take the edge off but I am trying to stay clear of that if possible. I am not even really edging/ballooning anymore. I guess I am blessed with a healthy libido, and having just dropped 40lbs myself (5'8 160lbs - I'm a runner and am more fit than I have been my whole life) I feel like I could get laid almost every night and still look forward to it the next night. Maybe it's my mid life crisis!

Next time we make love I am going to see if she's open to trying it out differently. Maybe that would shake it up and give me some confidence.

Oh, and for frequency, it's not enough but it's improving. Maybe 4 times a cycle - She has some crazy cycle issues that kind of make it more of an intense week (maybe 3-4 times that week), then 2-3 weeks off. Not always fun.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Ah, so if you r abstaining from whacking the weasel and you dont have frequent sex I would bet that has some effect. I would like to say congrats on losing 40 lbs, that is outsatnding.

Maybe you should try the good ole manual release once in a while. Dont use the ;orn, just a quickie all by your self, see if it helps. Not many even know what my avatar is, you must be from the north somewhere!

[tazbo7 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close tazbo7]

hah, Peter Puck! But he looks like a big-O as well

[bautista19 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bautista19]

My wife and I used to have the same exact routine. It's probably something that fellows with premature ejac stumble into.

Anywho, it's probably not her fault. You probably need to loosen up down there. Also, learn some distraction techniques. You need somewhere for your mind to go when that soft skin is sliding against yours, and your dick is buried in her dripping pussy.