My confessions, and my (impossible?) journey to put my life back together.

[derocker Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close derocker]

Some of you may know me already.

I would like to introduce myself as DeRocker, but I am afraid that I am going to have to introduce myself in a different way. I am the guy who's life completely changed because of PE.

Some of you may even know me as a happy person. I PM with about 20 people on the forum, and very often have a laugh with them. After some reflection, I figured out that, in the past, I used my online-identity as a way to pretend that I have no problems and I am a normal person. Well, I am not.

I do not have the courage to tell any of this to a person in real life, so I decided to type my whole story in this thread. To all of you who have PM'ed with me and never knew anything about this, I appologize for not being honest.

I used to be a very happy person. I had my life figured out. I have been a very succesful, semi-proffessional bodybuilder. I have had my own business for 7 years. I had a girlfriend for 6 years. I can honestly say that I was a fairly happy person.

All this changed in one night.

I will start by telling that I have been doing PE for about 2 and a half years, with dedication. I had NO results from this.

I never worried about my rather small penis. I was never aware that my penis was small. I knew it wasn't that big, but hey, they say SIZE DOESN'T MATTER, right? Well, let me tell you how I found out that this is the biggest lie ever told.

My girlfriend was together with one other guy before me. She told me that his penis was much bigger. I asked her once, and she is a very honest person, so she told me. I asked her a few times if he was better than me, but she always said I was much better. One night we got drunk. Very drunk. We both had never been this drunk in our life, by far. We had sex. After that, I asked her again if he was better than me. She still said that I was better, and asked me to believe her and stop asking questions about it. I was very drunk, so I didn't stop. I kept asking and asking. She got pissed off, and finally told me the truth. She told me that I am better at sex, but his cock was bigger, and it felt much better. Not because of what he did, just because his cock was so much bigger. It gave her an amazing feeling that my cock simply couldn't give her, because of its size. He was able to reach a special spot inside of her, I couldn't reach, and he was much better than I was. That night, my life changed.

Now, I know that I am overreacting about this. Its not fun to hear something like this, but its not the end of the world. At least, not to a normal person. To me, it changed everything. I am unable to have sex without thinking about my small penis and how I can't give her enough pleasure. This caused me to lose all the confidence I had. I quit bodybuilding, which was my life-long passion and devotion.

I gave up on my business and sold it to another company. I got addicted to drugs. I had never smoked a sigarette in my life, and I certainly never even THOUGHT about using drugs. It started with some experimentation, but very soon I found myself spending over 500 euros (about 600 dollars) on cocaine every WEEK.

Of course my girlfriend dumped me after a while. This got me into my depression even deeper. I went to hookers, gambled for thousands of euros on weekends, snorted cocaine as if I were drinking water, etc...

One night, I tried to overdose on drugs. I took LSD and MDMA, and I snorted Ketamine. I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, but survived.

This is about a month and a half ago now. I have been doing pretty much nothing for the last month. I was lying in my bed, using drugs, eating and sleeping. That's about it.

A month ago I decided that my life can do two things now. It can go on the way it is going, which will result in my death within a year time. Or it can change, and give me a chance to become the person I once was.

As weird as it may sound, I truely believe that the most decisive factor for my happiness is succes in PE. I reflected a lot during those two weeks in the hospital, and one of the things I figured out is that my failure in PE has given me such a low self-esteem, that I now believe that I can do nothing in life. Deep inside, I realize that I have a lot of potential inside of me. I don't want to brag or anything, but I used to be a very succesful businessman.

I decided to try to put my life back together. I ordered an LG hanger, and to give PE one last try. I truely believe that success in PE will be a decisive factor for me.

SHORT SUMMARY IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ EVERYTHING:

- Been doing PE for 2 and a half years with no success.

- Have been a happy person my whole life, had my own house, no morgage to pay, my own succesful business, and a semi-professional bodybuilding career.

- Figured out my girlfriend enjoyed her ex boyfriend much better than me, because his cock was bigger.

- This pretty much changed my life. Lost my girlfriend, got addicted to drugs, hookers and gambling. Attempted suicide.

- Decided to put my life back together.


I would like to end by telling, once again, that I realize that I am exaggerating a lot. I know that I should just grow balls and accept the fact that I have a small cock, and it is just simply ridiculous to let such a stupid thing affect my life so majorly. Still, it happened.

I will tell you guys my most important goals at the moment:

- Start with my business again
- Stop using drugs
- Win my girlfriend back
- get a bigger penis

I hope to achieve these things in my life.

I will update daily how much I hang, and how my experiences are.

If you are interested in my journey, or would just like to be a support, please follow my journey and occassionally post something. I could use all the support I can get.



One final note: this has probably been the hardest thing I have had to do in years time. Confession all these things is not easy to me, and it took me nearly 3 hours to post this. I have doubted a lot about posting this, I have even deleted my text several times. Still, I decided to go on with it. I want my life back. Please take this seriously, even though it may look ridiculous to you.

[Thenewguy2 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Thenewguy2]

So what do you want us to say? I have no words man. You got a plan that seems to work if you put in enough effort and consitency, which is not going to be an easy task. Starting up your business again, quit the drugs and grow a bigger penis is definitely possible. I just don't see how PE doesn't work if you put in the correct consitency, correct technique, warming up and everything and all that, I mean espeically hanging.. That should work 100% with enough effort, I don't see any scientificaly or biological proof of why it shouldn't work.

[derocker Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close derocker]

I hung for over a year. I tried everything.

I did 5-7 sets every day, rode the fatigue, didn't take breaks, etc... at some point I was hanging 28 pounds for 7 sets. I never gained anything, not even 0.1 inch.

[Steneo Senior MemberPEGym Hero Member of the Month Dec 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close Steneo]

DeRocker, that's a hell of a story and I wish you the best in achieving your goals.

If you are still using please be aware that although cocaine withdrawal is usually not seriously medically problematic (unlike, for example, opiod withdrawal), it can cause a variety of physical and psychological problems - most concerning of which for you would be, in my opinion, depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts. I hope you have a network of support for this process. Also, I find myself wondering if cocaine use hindered potential gains during those years - cocaine is, after all, an extremely strong vasoconstrictor. I have no evidence for this of course but it seems to me a reason to hope anyway for your restarted PE journey.

So what do you want us to say? I have no words man. You got a plan that seems to work if you put in enough effort and consitency, which is not going to be an easy task. Starting up your business again, quit the drugs and grow a bigger penis is definitely possible. I just don't see how PE doesn't work if you put in the correct consitency, correct technique, warming up and everything and all that, I mean espeically hanging.. That should work 100% with enough effort, I don't see any scientificaly or biological proof of why it shouldn't work.

I believe what he is looking for us to say here are supportive things. I also am going to have to disagree with the assessment that PE (and as you say, especially hanging) will always result in gains for everybody as long as they are consistent and do everything right , etc, etc, etc. Seeking proof for why something doesn't work is not the correct scientific approach. Even though there seem to be many many individuals who report gains from hanging, and it seems to have some biological rationale for working, there is no reason to believe it will work for everybody. When dealing with biological systems, which we are here, you always have to accept that individual and unpredictable variability will affect results on some level. In other words, it is quite conceivable that DeRocker DID do everything correctly, with dedication, for 2.5 years and didn't see gains because of some factor in his own individual biology that was a hindrance.

I really hope you see something good with the LG DeRocker but I also hope you can find the peace and happiness you once had before that night

[vulcan Retired ModeratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close vulcan]

Well done for sharing your current situation derocker. I think you are a great guy but you are putting too much of your self worth on your penis size. Gain by all means, but i actually think that it is impossible to gain optimally under so much pressure from yourself - relaxation is key.

Remember, she wanted to be with you. There was a degree of sabotage there from you. The most important thing to get back is your spirit. The rest will fall into place. Stay strong. :-)

[CLOSEDDennyA Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close CLOSEDDennyA]

I hope putting this out there can help you heal and move on. Good luck on picking yourself back up and it sounds like you are making good progress. You have a lot of support at the PEGym.

[Thenewguy2 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Thenewguy2]

Steneo, I bet hanging should work unless you are a special mutation, like 1 in a 1000.

[Skipper23 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Skipper23]

Good luck with your goals. Don't let no one put you down, keep your chin up and focus. Believe in yourself and you will go far.

[mrimalive1 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close mrimalive1]

Derocker stay strong.I hope everything works out for you.We should start appreciating the things we have not the things we don't.

[derocker Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close derocker]

First of all, thank you everyone for the posts. I am surprised this many people read my long post.

@Steneo: I did not use Cocaïne during my PE journey. I started doing it around the same time I gave up on hanging. I am not off Cocaïne yet and I have to admit that I don't see me coming off it anywhere seen. I have no problems admitting that I am adicted.
@thenewguy2: I can say that I spoke to Bib about it. He says he knows of 4 people who hung very dedicated for a long time and saw no gains. It seems this is very rare, but I have the 'luck' to be one of those people, it seems.

@Vulcan: you state my problem very accurately. I know that everything you say is right, but I just can't live up to it (yet...?). Getting some success with PE might get me back on track, I don't know...

@The rest: thanks guys, I appreciate it


Some hanging reports: Got in 2,5 hours today. That's what I'm aiming for. This would give me about 17 hours a week, which is more than the reccommended 10 hours a week.

The LG hanger feels comfortable, but I am getting a lot of upper shaft skin stretch. I feel like my skin is carrying more weight than my penis. I'll try to experiment on how I can solve this...

[namsokiek Banned Find all posts View Profile Close namsokiek]

I'm going to be honestly blunt with you because the most damaging thing in your situation is to place blame on a blameless factor.

Your situation has nothing to do with the size of your penis, it has everything to do with your ego and your decision to continue to badger her about the size of your penis.

You asked her a question. You got an answer. You repeated the question. She repeated her answer. On and on again you repeated the question and she repeated her answer. She must really like you, because after the third time you asked the same question I would have told you the same thing she said when she was shit-faced drunk. Why? Because 1. clearly you thought the first answer was a lie (which would piss me off), 2. you appear to want to be told the bigger dick was better, and 3. it would shut you the F-Up!

After 6 years of you nagging at her and begging her to tell you the other guy was better what did it take for her to finally snap?

One night we got drunk. Very drunk. We both had never been this drunk in our life, by far. We had sex. After that, I asked her again if he was better than me. She still said that I was better, and asked me to believe her and stop asking questions about it. I was very drunk, so I didn't stop. I kept asking and asking.

You get her smashed, remove all her inhibitions, then you double down on the "tell me he was better than me" mantra and what happens?

She got pissed off, and finally told me...

You made her mad and she said something which would hurt you. It's not your dick that's the problem. You were foolish enough to ask, no, BEG to be kicked squarely in the nuts and she finally gave you what you wanted. Here is the shit-sandwich you ordered, sir.

After 6 years of loving you, caring for you, looking out for your welfare, she finally gave-in to your demands to smashed your ego.

So, now that I've firmly established that the problem is not with your dick, let's talk about how you get from where you are to where you want to be.

1. You've dug yourself into a pretty deep hole. First thing to do is stop digging.
2. Come to terms with your real problem; self image. She valued you for more than your penis. It is time you did the same.
3. Apologize. She did not do anything to you but you've now torn a huge hole in your relationship. Own-up to your part and absolve her of the misplaced guilt which she has surely placed on herself.
4. If you're successful with #3, she might be able to be part of #4, which is to build a support group that can help.
5. Go to rehab and counseling, because you've allowed some serious problems to enter into your life and they won't go away easily.

Learn to be as true to yourself as she was during the 6 years you were with her. You can come out of this a better man.

[TehDBare Senior Member Member of the Month Sept 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TehDBare]

I have to agree with everything Namsokiek said and really have nothing to add in that department. As far as your PE frustrations go I would suggest that maybe you are overtraining. As you were/are a bodybuilder you may be approaching it with the same mentality you do for the rest of your body, but that doesn't really work with PE. It's easy to overtrain and that will impede gains. I see you already are shooting for 17 hours hanging this week when the recommended is 10, take the recommendations from the vets and follow it. I am clueless with hanging but maybe those who do hang can provide some more directed advice.

[jonathonroberts Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close jonathonroberts]

I am an absolute newbie in PE, but from all the reading I have done and research I think TehDBare has hit on a possibility of overtraining. I have read that some respond to "lighter" stretching over much longer periods of time vs "heavy" stretching over shorter (or longer) periods. I am thinking of all day stretchers like Phallosan and others. It is possible a device like this with a consistent lighter stretch for much longer periods of time could help. Just a thought.

I agree with Namsokiek mostly and wish you the best in recovery.

[Pirate Retired AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Pirate]

That is a hell of a story and I wish you nothing but good things.
One question: why did you believe your girl friend the one time she gave you bad news but you didn't believe her the countless times that she told you good news?
Good luck shipmate!
Yarrr!

[derocker Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close derocker]

I absolutely agree with what you say, namsokiek. Looking at it now, I feel like I was an increadible idiot. I just "felt" that she didn't enjoy me much, even though she pretended she did...

About the overtraining, I am afraid that is not the problem. I breaks with PE too. I experimented a lot with that. I even tried doing just 6 hours a week for 2 months, and once took a full month break.