Relationship rough patch and doubts creeping up

[SirPsycho Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SirPsycho]

Hey guys, I don't know if anyone can relate, and if yes, how did you manage the situation.. so here it is.

My gf and I have been together for close to a year and a half. Unlike most relationship, we basically ''lived'' together from the start because she moved to an apartment right next to mine just before we got together (big coincidence, we barely knew each other before she signed the lease of the apartment), and also work at the same place. So from the beginning, we were already sleeping in the same bed at night everyday, so it started out pretty quick. We used to have sex often (about 3 to 5 times a week) for a few months. She was even the one initiating it a lot of those times. With time, the sex decreased (of course), but I was still OK with that.

I started realizing it was a problem when she would start to turn me down regularly, saying she's not in the mood and whatnot. In between times we actually moved in together 6 months ago, and although we fight (like all couples), things are going fine. Except the sex part. It is becoming less and less present in our life, and is scaring me big time. I have tried to talk about this to her so many times, but every time it ends in an argument, as she says that she doesn't have a strong sex drive and that she wishes she did, but she doesn't know what to do, and sometimes cries (that breaks my heart). While I try to be comprehensive, I can't help but be frustrated by the MANY attempts rejected and I am not able to hide it, so of course, it causes a lot of distress in our relationship. The argument comes easily every week now, and even if I try to ask her what can I do to help her, we never come to a conclusion and she swears i'm not the problem.

I'm in a big dilemma here, because I'm only 22 and she is 24, and I'm not ready to slowly see my sexual life die. I am tired of having doubts about the relationship only because of these arguments we keep having, and it would kill me to end our relationship because of the lack of sex, but i can't see myself so unsatisfied and frustrated like I am lately. I don't want this to get worse.

I know she loves me and I love her too. She always includes me in her projects when she talks about the future, and she says she loves me on a daily basis, but without our intimacy, I sometimes feel like an old couple.

The best case scenario would be to stay with her and finding the spark back, but in all honesty, I have thoughts about leaving her from time to time, and these thoughts are tearing me apart.

If anyone has already deal with this kind of situation, how did it worked out for you?

Thank you guys.

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

Foreplay. Tease her throughout the day. Affection. Kisses. Tell her dirty secrets when you hug her. Hug her often. Kiss her often. Don't just do this stuff if/when you want sex, do it often! If you do it often enough, she'll be begging you for sex. Go on dates. Buy her little gifts. Buy her chocolate. Massages. Foot massages. Be her shadow. Touch her. Poke her. Tickle her. Wrestle with her. Make her feel younger. Cuddle her. Connect with her during sex, and I mean actually connect, spiritually.

The only way to reignite the spark, is to reignite the spark.

Just be careful... the spark can indeed be bigger and louder than it was the first time!

Get her back bro!

[closed116 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close closed116]

Completely opposite opinion here. I say cut your losses and leave. I've been in the same situation many times, and if I could speak to myself from the future I would tell myself to stop wasting my time and life when there are plenty of other women. Believe me, it will only get worse.

Besides, when the woman knows how important sex is for the guy, after it being made very clear repeatedly as you have done, it shows a real disregard for your needs and desires and is indicative of the underlying truth that she just doesn't care much about what you want or about making you happy. That's not the kind of girl you want to devote your life to, much less next week.

[BWC Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close BWC]

Completely opposite opinion here. I say cut your losses and leave. I've been in the same situation many times, and if I could speak to myself from the future I would tell myself to stop wasting my time and life when there are plenty of other women. Believe me, it will only get worse.

Besides, when the woman knows how important sex is for the guy, after it being made very clear repeatedly as you have done, it shows a real disregard for your needs and desires and is indicative of the underlying truth that she just doesn't care much about what you want or about making you happy. That's not the kind of girl you want to devote your life to, much less next week.

This, +remember that 90% (number is out of my ass) of the time, sex takes NO effort for the girl

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

I would say if everything else is fine apart from your sex life then I would bail just yet on a good relationship where you are happy living together.

Firstly understand sex comes in cycles in most relationships. Times when there's loads of it, then not so much and then back to loads.

I can understand it would be a big problem if you are going thru periods of no sex tho. That's different.

So are you asking (verbally) for sex? As in saying can we tonight, as we didn't last night etc? If so, stop. Worst feeling in the world if your not remotely turned on and someone asks for sex which then leads to a fight.

Do as Jay said, hugs and kisses and back rubs etc to put her in the mood. Flirty texts during the day etc.

Secondly can I ask has she put on weight since you have been living together? Even a little? It normally happens as most women can't eat as much as men with height and muscle mass difference. It shouldnt matter what dress size or the number on the scales but it can massively effect a woman's confidence in bed. You have understand we are constantly told if your not slim, your not sexy, blah blah.

You should still discuss the issue with her but do everything not to make her feel underattack. I know that will be hard when you feel rejected. But come from it like an team effort. Ask her maybe to get her bloods tested for hormone imbalances at the doctors, change her pill if she's on one, etc

[In need Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close In need]

I heard maca root helps with sex drive

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

It is standard for a woman to lose libido when into a relationship . While sometimes a footrub may help the evidence is there is often nothing to be done.

So live without sex or get a new relationship

[WalkThePlank Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WalkThePlank]

My gf and I have been together for close to a year and a half. Unlike most relationship, we basically ''lived'' together from the start. [..]
So from the beginning, we were already sleeping in the same bed at night everyday, so it started out pretty quick. We used to have sex often (about 3 to 5 times a week) for a few months. She was even the one initiating it a lot of those times. With time, the sex decreased (of course), but I was still OK with that.

There has been research on this. The standard time for a woman to lose interest is usually 1-3 years in the absence of pregnancy. Living with a woman causes her sexual interest in you to drop much faster.

Within this plunge, there is a notable pattern: over time, women who don’t live with their partners retain their desire much more than women who do.

I started realizing it was a problem when she would start to turn me down regularly, saying she's not in the mood and whatnot. In between times we actually moved in together 6 months ago, and although we fight (like all couples),

I have never fought with my GFs - ever. It's not healthy, and serves literally no purpose.

I have tried to talk about this to her so many times, but every time it ends in an argument, as she says that she doesn't have a strong sex drive and that she wishes she did, but she doesn't know what to do, and sometimes cries (that breaks my heart).

But she has a perfectly fine sex drive, as you saw when you first started dating. And if she broke up with you, or started cheating on you, suddenly her sex drive would be just fine. The problem is that she's bored with having sex with the same guy. Introduce a new guy, and magically her sex drive returns. Only to disappear once she's bored with the new guy.

So what do you suppose the problem really is?

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

The problem is her!

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Yes the research is interesting walktheplank.

Of course not all women lose interest and it seems to be bio based. The implication is that it is very often nothing to do with the man what happens to the womans libido . So you can be the worlds greatests lover do footrubs yada yada and get no sex or be an all round prick and get more than you can handle . In many cases the difference will be the biology of the woman .
That said a lot of women get put off sex by behaviour I am not saying it doesn't happen .
Now within the group that loses libido some still have a great time once they start and just need to be jollied into it and some are stubournly not interested .

So what are the options .
1. Try to obtain a woman bio set to maintain libido . Great solution except it can take up to 3 Years to be certain you have one .
2.Live without sex many men have and do . Of course people will tell you it's because you don't give enough foot rubs .
3. Well maybe she really is one of the women where behaviour is what is putting her off . Of course the women with bio issues are far more common and they claim (and believe ) it is behaviour too . So the downside is you could engauge in an endless round of doing more housework and tip toeing around the Mrs trying to make sure everything is perfect so you get more sex . Now many men do this so the researchers have been able to quantify that this will get you 1 extra session of sex a month ( that is not a typo).
4. Perhaps your woman is one who has low libido but just needs a bit of encouragement and has a great time and does not understand why she did not want to do it . Ok the difference here is the encouragement does not have to be endless and it actually works .

[Tamora Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Aug 2015 PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Tamora]

Oops! Someone's woken Peggie up!

[SirPsycho Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SirPsycho]

Thank you all for your replies, I agree with some of you but the ones saying I should drop her off, I still feel it's too early to tell .

Jay, I will do what you said, meaning I'd spend more time being an affectionate and loving boyfriend to her.


Tara, we came back from a trip to Spain in mid January where we ate every single day at a restaurant for a month, so she did put a bit of weight that is making her feel "not sexy" I guess, as she often refers herself to a big potato. I tell her so many times that she is sexy (and I really mean it), and she tells me I'm nice for saying this but it rarely leads to sex. So of course I think her self consciousness is putting her off a bit, but I don't mind the few pounds she's put on. She's not fat at all.

Walktheplank, I understand the thing you mean when you say that her argument that she just has a low sex drive is invalid because we used to have a lot of sex, and I've thought about this so many times. I've mentioned it to her a few times either but she says that's just how she is and she wishes it could be different but she has no control on this. I told her that newness is not something I can offer her, and that I'm the only human on earth who can't, but she says she doesn't want newness, she wants me.


So overall it's complicated. We talked this morning and I've let her know that I need things to change because I'm not happy the way things are. It ended well with her saying to me that she also wants things to change bu that it might take some time to happen, so I have to be patient. She also told me that she doesn't want to feel constantly like I'm about to leave her because of this.

I hope things are going to get better, that this talk made me hopeful. I'm willing to be patient and I am happy to see that she is willing to make steps towards our relationship improvement

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

It takes two people to make things work/better. If you're putting in solid effort and she isn't...

..reconsider.

I wish you the best bro!

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

Well, Sir, you should be very happy that she wants things to get better, and she's willing to work on it. Very promising. Hang in there. Give her time and work with her. Talk! Ok.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Wow ignored completely so much for the science