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  • How Would You Feel?

    Nothing has improved in my marriage since the last of my rambling threads. I really do not know where to start because I am so torn. Might seem pussified but when you feel the way you do. You feel the way you do.

    I get home from work before her. When she comes in I let her come in greet her and let her unwind a little. Then after some time while we are in the living room I will start conversation and this is how it usually goes. I ask how her day went. Every time her replies are one or two word responses. Good, ok it sucked. Then I will ask if this one child caused any trouble. She works with special needs children and one of them tries to run away. Sometimes she will go off and tell me all kinds of stuff and it is all about her her her. Which is good I want to know what is going on in her world. Now the part that hurts. Out of all that time inquiring about her day. Not once did she or does she ask me how my day was.

    One day after our one sided conversations. We sat for about five minutes in silence. I was just waiting to be asked how my day was. Nothing. So I got up and went do something in another room. I come back and she is on her phone checking facebook. You're more interested in what is going on on FB than you are with your husband. Ok.

    I will never tell you about the first week of sugar cane grinding season how I almost killed someone and went off the road with a tanker load of crude oil. Due to the fog and the farmers burning the husk. Bringing visibility to ZERO.

    She works in the school system. They get off for Christmas break for about two weeks. They do not return until after the first. Not once in those days or in the break they just got over with Mardi Gras. Did she go out of her way to make an effort so that when I came in from work. I didn't have to do all the things I need to do to get ready for the next day. Not once did you offer to make my sandwich for lunch. Or have something ready for dinner. You were home all day and you know about what time I will be home. Still you didn't even make an effort to fix anything. Then the kids are going to ask me what is for dinner. I don't think so. If it was normal circumstances I would have no issue about dinner. Being that you were home and did nothing. That is what burns me up.

    Here is the straw that broke the camels back. On of our neighbors puts our kids on the bus for school. I was paying her one day and she asked me a question. Did they ever find out who started the rumor about your daughter? What rumor? She was thrown and asked me. You don't know? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. What is the rumor? That your daughter is pregnant. No thank you for telling me. I am not going to say anything. Thank you. So for about three weeks everyday I asked my daughter how things are at school. Any problems? No everything is ok. Ok just checking. You know if there is a problem you can come talk to me no matter what it is. Ok. Ok

    So one day we were in the living room. Wife daughter and me. TV was acting up and I was trying to get it working. Then out of the blue I ask the both of them. So did ya'll ever find out who started the rumor? What rumor? The rumor about our daughter being pregnant. Wife says I didn't tell you because you would get mad at her. Is she pregnant? No? Why ten would I get mad. What pisses me off is that you didn't tell me. Then I ask my daughter the next day. Why for the past weeks I asked you if there was any problems at school you said all was good. Why didn't you tell me about this? I am your dad that is what I am here for. Her reply was. Because momma told me not to tell you. Are you serious? Yes.

    So that is where I am. I feel like the only thing I am good for with this ungrateful family I have is just to provide food, clothing and shelter. And you know what? That is exactly what I've been doing. No more no less.

    I am hurt and pissed. Being ignored one can only take it for so long. I have a long fuse and I am long suffering. Just do not know how long long is.

    Sorry for the ramble. I could go on and on. Like I said there is nothing new about my situation. I think about my kids and that is what keeps me here. Good for them but not for me if things don't change. I am the only one who can do that.
    I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

  • #2
    No, you sound like a man to me. What would it take to make it better for you? Not her or them just you. Obviously she doesn't intend to do what you need. Also she is teaching your children that it is OK to dump on dad. So when your daughter gets married she will likely do the same. It is best for you to take care of you. It will likely be best for your children in an odd way also. Maybe they could live with you.
    It is extremely difficult for me to counsel another to leave a marriage. Like you I thought it was the worst thing a man could do. I have learned differently. No matter what you choose keep talking. Keep rambling. Keep reaching out. We are headed for you. Good luck.
    ALL THE WAY WITH GOOD OLE JAY!

    Comment


    • #3
      well bigrooster,

      it was hard for me to read your rant. i can relate on so many different levels. there is nothing negative i could say that would make your situation better. in reality. it sucks. where you're at sucks. but that's where you are at and you have to deal with it.

      you can't change anyone only yourself. you can encourage change, you can voice your concern, but you will never change them. hopefully you will help in their decision to change themselves. so i encourage open conversation about problem areas. not in a negative tone, with the you's and you make me feel. but with the i feel ... this situation makes me upset because....

      overall, the longer things go down a destructive path the harder it is to get back to a healthy place. evaluate your situation, establish the problem areas, set some goals to overcome these problem areas, set up some healthy boundaries along the way.

      feel free to pm me if you want a ranting partner. i'd be glad to help if i can.

      proactive
      goal--Contentment
      proactive's progress log

      Comment


      • #4
        I'm sorry to hear this and please don't feel alone in your situation. As your not.

        Marriage is bloody hard work and it's so easy to take a husband or wife for granted. After all there always there, your tied with debts like mortgages and kids etc. People can feel they don't need to put the effort in that they do with other relationships, with friends or colleagues

        I don't know if you have already tried but maybe speak to her, say how you feel, what you expect daily etc. I made a rule a while ago no mobiles until a certain time in the evening as my husband would literally sit on Twitter reading crap.

        Regarding the daughter thing I get why your peeved but as there was no truth in it and it implied your daughter was sexually active, maybe she was trying to protect your daughter from being embarrassed with her father?
        Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Wishful10x8 View Post
          No, you sound like a man to me. What would it take to make it better for you? Not her or them just you. Obviously she doesn't intend to do what you need. Also she is teaching your children that it is OK to dump on dad. So when your daughter gets married she will likely do the same. It is best for you to take care of you. It will likely be best for your children in an odd way also. Maybe they could live with you.
          It is extremely difficult for me to counsel another to leave a marriage. Like you I thought it was the worst thing a man could do. I have learned differently. No matter what you choose keep talking. Keep rambling. Keep reaching out. We are headed for you. Good luck.
          Thanks brother.
          I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by proactive View Post
            well bigrooster,

            it was hard for me to read your rant. i can relate on so many different levels. there is nothing negative i could say that would make your situation better. in reality. it sucks. where you're at sucks. but that's where you are at and you have to deal with it.

            you can't change anyone only yourself. you can encourage change, you can voice your concern, but you will never change them. hopefully you will help in their decision to change themselves. so i encourage open conversation about problem areas. not in a negative tone, with the you's and you make me feel. but with the i feel ... this situation makes me upset because....

            overall, the longer things go down a destructive path the harder it is to get back to a healthy place. evaluate your situation, establish the problem areas, set some goals to overcome these problem areas, set up some healthy boundaries along the way.

            feel free to pm me if you want a ranting partner. i'd be glad to help if i can.

            proactive
            She is the type of person where everybody is issue. She is perfect in all her ways. She never admits to doing wrong. She has no empathy.
            I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Tara123 View Post
              I'm sorry to hear this and please don't feel alone in your situation. As your not.

              Marriage is bloody hard work and it's so easy to take a husband or wife for granted. After all there always there, your tied with debts like mortgages and kids etc. People can feel they don't need to put the effort in that they do with other relationships, with friends or colleagues

              I don't know if you have already tried but maybe speak to her, say how you feel, what you expect daily etc. I made a rule a while ago no mobiles until a certain time in the evening as my husband would literally sit on Twitter reading crap.

              Regarding the daughter thing I get why your peeved but as there was no truth in it and it implied your daughter was sexually active, maybe she was trying to protect your daughter from being embarrassed with her father?
              The mobile thing does get under my skin. I let her have her time to unwind. It just seems disrespectful when you are trying to hold conversation and she doesn't show any interest.
              I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

              Comment


              • #8
                You have described my ex in details. It took me 15 years to leave. I left my husband 3.5 years ago and I'm embarrassed and mad at myself for completely wasting so many years of my life on someone who was so undeserving.

                I'm in a good place now...I'm alive...a weight is off my shoulders. I can now be the best person that I can be to my friends and family.

                My ex was changing me into something I didn't want to be. His toxic personality was starting to seep into my pores and that is when I knew I had to leave.

                Don't let your wife steal your soul and your heart. Your children will respect you more in the long run and you will save your soul in the process.

                God Bless BigRooster.
                Frog
                Senior Member
                Member of the Month March 2017
                Last edited by Frog; 03-12-2017, 05:20 PM.
                "A negative mind will never get you a positive life.”

                Comment


                • #9
                  I am drained. I'm tired of trying to please her and no appreciation is shown. I don't ask for much a little respect and appreciation would be nice.
                  I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Can you see yourself leaving? Can you see anything changing and making it worth staying? Somewhere in these questions is your answer. You are a wonderful man. Be true to yourself. In the final analysis it is all we have
                    ALL THE WAY WITH GOOD OLE JAY!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Frog View Post
                      You have described my ex in details. It took me 15 years to leave. I left my husband 3.5 years ago and I'm embarrassed and mad at myself for completely wasting so many years of my life on someone who was so undeserving.

                      I'm in a good place now...I'm alive...a weight is off my shoulders. I can now be the best person that I can be to my friends and family.

                      My ex was changing me into something I didn't want to be. His toxic personality was starting to seep into my pores and that is when I knew I had to leave.

                      Don't let your wife steal your soul and your heart. Your children will respect you more in the long run and you will save your soul in the process.

                      God Bless BigRooster.
                      Yep me too.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        This seems to be like the regular marriage. I'm in the same place, but for about two months now, I kinda just let off and I don't do the nice things anymore, it seems petty but is working out for me. The difference in our situation is she's a stay at home mom, that literally does bare minimum, I work over a hundred hours a week, do my own laundry, clean the house and cook dinner, she more or less just makes sure the kids don't die and go to school. If I don't do the laundry it'll pile up I tried not doing things but if I don't it won't get done, and I get called selfish and ungrateful when I come home and don't spend time with the kids, because I'm too busy doing what she should have been doing when I was gone. So I stopped, I clean and cook and work, but I don't ask her how her day was, I don't give her any affection, and you know what, she started to pickup some of the shit that I've been doing, hell she went grocery shopping today, it was amazing. But long run we probably won't last I'm to salty about the Last 7 years of our 10 year marriage.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by BigRooster View Post
                          Sorry for the ramble. I could go on and on. Like I said there is nothing new about my situation. I think about my kids and that is what keeps me here. Good for them but not for me if things don't change. I am the only one who can do that.
                          I don't know how old your kids are but I will tell you this: The situation isn't necessarily good for them either. As a parent, and an adult, there are many things that you need to be providing for your children. Yes there's the basics of food and shelter etc. but you also need to be providing guidance for them, and the best way to do that is by example. If you feel you're being treated unfairly, if you feel you're being taken advantage of and misused, then probably that's fairly obvious to them too. What lesson do you want them learning from all of it? That it's okay to treat other people like that, or to be treated like that? If one of your children was in your situation would you want them to just put up with it, or to stand up for themselves and do something?

                          Originally posted by BigRooster View Post
                          She is the type of person where everybody is issue. She is perfect in all her ways. She never admits to doing wrong. She has no empathy.
                          Man can I ever relate to that.

                          Originally posted by Frog View Post
                          You have described my ex in details. It took me 15 years to leave. I left my husband 3.5 years ago and I'm embarrassed and mad at myself for completely wasting so many years of my life on someone who was so undeserving.

                          I'm in a good place now...I'm alive...a weight is off my shoulders. I can now be the best person that I can be to my friends and family.

                          My ex was changing me into something I didn't want to be. His toxic personality was starting to seep into my pores and that is when I knew I had to leave.

                          Don't let your wife steal your soul and your heart. Your children will respect you more in the long run and you will save your soul in the process.

                          God Bless BigRooster.
                          I wish I could like this 1000 times. I also kinda wish I wasn't able to recognize myself in that description as well. I wholeheartedly agree with this advice.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I'm beginning to remember your last set of posts from the similarities here. Sorry that progress has not been made.

                            Please don't take this the wrong way and it kind of comes from left field, but... As she is such a big fan of social media (and I know it grates you) but is there an angle where you can at least start some communication via social media with her that may break through what ever blinders she has put up to the relationship? Kind like playing into her hand but you have the upper hand? Just may make some kind of inroad to at least communicating with her. Sounds like she would have a hard time NOT responding as that is her thing.

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                            • #15
                              I haven't read your previous posts, but have you just tried being direct with her like "Do you still love me? Are you happy in this marriage? Do you still want this marriage? Do you still want to make this marriage to work? Do you hate me? Did I do something wrong?" etc...
                              Evgeni1
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