Don't reply to this post anymore. It's not current state. These thoughts have not haunted me for years, it stopped soon after we divorced 2018. And new mental problems have replaced these.
There was good and bad times, but in the end I could not get my mind to control in time and my wife wanted divorce. I can't blame her as my behavior was awful many times.
The original post:
I have been with my wife 12 years since we were both 20 yo. During last year I've had very serious problems with my head and thoughts of her with other men. We have very different sexual past. She had long relationship (6 years) in her teens (15-20 yo). 7-8 months later we met. In that period between she had 7 partners. Some she dated.
I was very popular and good looking boy, but my sex life started badly. Few failed sex intercourse attempts during teens and depression that kept me from trying to date girls during ages 15-20. I had sex 2 times with same girl six months before I met my wife. It was very clumsy because of inexperience. So basicly my wife is only women I've been with.
Under year ago I woked up in the middle of night and there was thoughts of her ex partners which she had told me when we met. I remember she had diary but didn't think she still had it 12 years and 5 different apartments later. I found the diary in bookshelf and read it. It destroyed my mind along with words that she for some strange reason told me 12 years ago.
Words like these:
Partner 1: over 30 yo, dated for about 3 months. Guy left his own partner to be with beautiful 20 yo. Then returned to his old partner few months later.
"He had huge penis, I measured once and it was almost 9,5". He could not use it properly, only tried to bottom out. It hurted and I bled blood every time." Later she said that she never measured and it surely wasn't that big, but bigger than mine.
Partner 2: One night stand that became fuck buddy
"I was little sore after that. It was good fuck"
"He had little bigger than yours"
Partner 3: found in bar, one month dating.
"I said if you want to take advantage of me, you should take me home. And he did. It was violent sex, but that's what I like. I got orgasm too and I usually never have. We might have had butt sex too."
Partner 4: 28 yo
"Just took him along from the bar and fucked. And another time in the morning."
Partner 5:
"I never believed I could go so low. I don't even know his name."
Especially that 30 yo with huge penis fucking her when she was 20, skinny and beautiful. That's fucking my mind. I think it has much to do with that I don't have practically any other partner than her.
I don't know why I stayed even she told me stories of huge penis and other shit. If I could go back I would surely leave. Now we have 2 yo kid, own house. Everything is fine, health, jobs and all, but this shit in my mind. I don't want to leave my family. It's fucked up I know these things. I'm in therapy and on ssri medication. Sex is very good and she orgasms almost every time. I started PE and cutting body fat with this anxiety (not very good mindset). Went from 6" to 7" BPEL so far and I'm quite happy with my cock now, but still feel it's too short because of her words about huge dick. I'm 32 yo handsome guy with athletic body and 7" BPEL dick. I'm sure I would get laid with 25 yo women if I went for it. And I feel urge to do it as I think it would cure my mind. I want those experiences. But then again I don't want to break up family.
I don't know if you can answer anything to this, but it felt good just to write this shit out.
There was good and bad times, but in the end I could not get my mind to control in time and my wife wanted divorce. I can't blame her as my behavior was awful many times.
The original post:
I have been with my wife 12 years since we were both 20 yo. During last year I've had very serious problems with my head and thoughts of her with other men. We have very different sexual past. She had long relationship (6 years) in her teens (15-20 yo). 7-8 months later we met. In that period between she had 7 partners. Some she dated.
I was very popular and good looking boy, but my sex life started badly. Few failed sex intercourse attempts during teens and depression that kept me from trying to date girls during ages 15-20. I had sex 2 times with same girl six months before I met my wife. It was very clumsy because of inexperience. So basicly my wife is only women I've been with.
Under year ago I woked up in the middle of night and there was thoughts of her ex partners which she had told me when we met. I remember she had diary but didn't think she still had it 12 years and 5 different apartments later. I found the diary in bookshelf and read it. It destroyed my mind along with words that she for some strange reason told me 12 years ago.
Words like these:
Partner 1: over 30 yo, dated for about 3 months. Guy left his own partner to be with beautiful 20 yo. Then returned to his old partner few months later.
"He had huge penis, I measured once and it was almost 9,5". He could not use it properly, only tried to bottom out. It hurted and I bled blood every time." Later she said that she never measured and it surely wasn't that big, but bigger than mine.
Partner 2: One night stand that became fuck buddy
"I was little sore after that. It was good fuck"
"He had little bigger than yours"
Partner 3: found in bar, one month dating.
"I said if you want to take advantage of me, you should take me home. And he did. It was violent sex, but that's what I like. I got orgasm too and I usually never have. We might have had butt sex too."
Partner 4: 28 yo
"Just took him along from the bar and fucked. And another time in the morning."
Partner 5:
"I never believed I could go so low. I don't even know his name."
Especially that 30 yo with huge penis fucking her when she was 20, skinny and beautiful. That's fucking my mind. I think it has much to do with that I don't have practically any other partner than her.
I don't know why I stayed even she told me stories of huge penis and other shit. If I could go back I would surely leave. Now we have 2 yo kid, own house. Everything is fine, health, jobs and all, but this shit in my mind. I don't want to leave my family. It's fucked up I know these things. I'm in therapy and on ssri medication. Sex is very good and she orgasms almost every time. I started PE and cutting body fat with this anxiety (not very good mindset). Went from 6" to 7" BPEL so far and I'm quite happy with my cock now, but still feel it's too short because of her words about huge dick. I'm 32 yo handsome guy with athletic body and 7" BPEL dick. I'm sure I would get laid with 25 yo women if I went for it. And I feel urge to do it as I think it would cure my mind. I want those experiences. But then again I don't want to break up family.
I don't know if you can answer anything to this, but it felt good just to write this shit out.
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