20yrs marriage, she cheats....

[irwinr89 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close irwinr89]

Like it says, she felt that I wasn't paying enough attention or complimenting her.... (which I agree to a small extent) but work is tough and demanding, she doesn't tell me she was frustrated and decides to step out with some guy....lasted a month and I caught her, she dumped him right away and wants me to forgive her and says she'll do anything for me to save our marriage.
They had oral both ways and sex, it doesn't bother me terribly but the guy was 7'' am like 6''....she doesnt admit there was anything different or better, that he was actually lousy and older, not as hard....the whole thing very emasculating...horribly
Am having a harder time with the lying and betrayal than anything sexual, am not sure what to do, we have 3 kids, 10, 12 and 16 and their lives would be hurt the worse from divorce....this sucks, never thought she could do this....plus I make like 4 times what she does, I'll get screwed no matter what....my life will nevernever be the same....thank you.

[Dangler Senior Administrator☼ Wizard ☼ White Tiger Award 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Dangler]

A thought -

You both, together maybe, get marriage counseling. Perhaps it will take you both working together, to restore trust, and restore your relationship.

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

OMG I'm sorry 89. My wife has lied to me often too. Not about other guys but money, debt. It's a relationship killer in either case. I know your pain is fresh and raw but you need to decide if you can and will forgive. My parents divorced, I told myself I'd never put mine thru that. I haven't and things with her are great now. I know it mite not work for you but try to talk with her, deep breaths, no anger. Be calm.

[Coconutz Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Coconutz]

Man this sounds terrible!
Dont even try to think about his dick.

I have seen alot of bad things, but man you must be devestated!

Again, dont try to overthink this situation, you will just hurt yourself, its not only about this topic.
Your marriage have way more problems then this.

I wish you the best, I cant tell you what you should do, quit the marriage or live with it..
Hard situation.

[MarchSalami Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close MarchSalami]

Life with kids is hard. Together with work and other commitments it is hard to keep the flame alive.

I understand how much it must hurt to have her go behind your back. Whenever I have felt that my wife has been ready to move on, I have told her: " You are free to do whatever you want, just tell me first."

I would try to mend the marriage. Good luck! And feel your pain...

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

I can't offer much other than advise you to not act out of anger; but to stay calm & consider your next move carefully. You've got 3 kids, all fairly young, that will forever be affected by your decisions. One additional thing to consider however, is whether the "other guy" is also married. If so, it might make a "clean break" much easier to enforce, by meeting with him and warning him if it ever happens again, his wife will be your first phone call.

Marriage counseling should be your SECOND move, if your wife is a willing participant agreeable to mutual goals of mending BOTH your marriage & your family. Some couples DO emerge from sexual infidelity stronger than ever. It takes BOTH of your mutual commitment to restore respect & love for one another as well as to repair the familial boundaries you should both desire to instill in your kids. Good Luck, brother.

[Undead Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Undead]

I can't offer much other than advise you to not act out of anger; but to stay calm & consider your next move carefully. You've got 3 kids, all fairly young, that will forever be affected by your decisions. One additional thing to consider however, is whether the "other guy" is also married. If so, it might make a "clean break" much easier to enforce, by meeting with him and warning him if it ever happens again, his wife will be your first phone call.

Marriage counseling should be your SECOND move, if your wife is a willing participant agreeable to mutual goals of mending BOTH your marriage & your family. Some couples DO emerge from sexual infidelity stronger than ever. It takes BOTH of your mutual commitment to restore respect & love for one another as well as to repair the familial boundaries you should both desire to instill in your kids. Good Luck, brother.

i agree with most except the calling the guy part...

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

i agree with most except the calling the guy part...

Ya, I gotta agree with that too. The other guy is outta the picture now if the marriage is going to survive. So don't bother with him.

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

Hey man, sorry to hear that. I'm glad you are not wrapped up in the whole penis thing. All I can say is don't do anything permanent, meaning no rash decisions. If counseling is not a step either of you want or can afford, I'd have real blunt conversations with her, about her expectations and yours, and coming together collectively to move past her transgressions, and to start over together or separate. Gotta have everyone's cards on the table, nothing left out so you can rebuild. And I'm with Jock on the guy thing except I wouldn't call him I'd call her, why let him get away unscathed, ruin my life I ruin yours.

[MrsLooking4more Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrsLooking4more]

I am sorry to hear this has happened to you, it happened to me in a a previous relationship and it happened with my parents. My parents worked it out and stayed together, I can tell you that it was never the same after my Dad stepped out on my mom. I can not tell you what to do, every relationship is different and in your case you have young children involved. Do they know what happened? Believe me even if you didn’t tell them, they know.

As an adult now, I can tell you that while they were reconciling and going to counseling, things got so bad at home, that many times I wished they ended the marriage. It was hard living in the mist of them. Funny enough after we all married an moved away they got divorced and are now best friends. You just never know, I wish you and your family the best of luck while dealing with this.

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

The point of meeting with the other guy is not so much to "threaten"" him, but to retain a trump card to assure this never happens (with him & your wife) again. Nobody wants to be ruined financially (which is the result of divorce for many), to say nothing of the embarrassment brought on his kids if he has them. Without knowing everyone's familial situations, it's difficult to advise. Only YOU can decide what's best in YOUR circumstances.

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

The point of meeting with the other guy is not so much to "threaten"" him, but to retain a trump card to assure this never happens (with him & your wife) again. Nobody wants to be ruined financially (which is the result of divorce for many), to say nothing of the embarrassment brought on his kids if he has them. Without knowing everyone's familial situations, it's difficult to advise. Only YOU can decide what's best in YOUR circumstances.

Well, if he needs a trump card to hold over his own wife then the marriage is over. There are plenty of other cocks out there to screw. She needs to be committed to his, and his alone.
*

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

This is a little insensitive and I don't want to hijack this thread, but I honestly don't know why you would give two shits about that dude and his problems, if my wife cheated on me with another married man, you bet your sweet ass I'd at his house the next day telling his wife all about him and his transgressions with my wife for the last month. Seriously fuck that dude, play stupid games win stupid prizes. Hey man sorry to rant like that on your thread, but this overly sensitive shit bugs the fuck out of me, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life you have enough going on if you need anything let me know, I'm on pretty often.

[donkeehote Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close donkeehote]

First off. Sorry to hear about this. It might make sense to take some time to yourself to clear your head while this is raw. Ask her to respect your need for space if you need it. Maybe talk to a counsellor to get some things off your chest.

She will say all kinds of shit to make it your fault Im sure. I wouldnt put much stock in it unless she is owning up to her actions. You need to decide what is best for you. Only then will you have some idea which way to move forward. Whichever way forward, the relationship has changed so dont lose sight of that. And dont make any rash decisions until youve had a chance to think some things through.

All the best brother.

[donkeehote Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close donkeehote]

WTF she measured his dick? How would she know he is 7". I wouldnt put much stock in that. Women say all kinds of shit to ness with your head when they want.