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Am I bad, selfish, shallow person, or 'just human'?

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  • Am I bad, selfish, shallow person, or 'just human'?

    So I love my girlfriend of a few years, but I'm struggling with her weight. She's a big girl, I'm guessing 19-20 stone and I'm struggling to find her body sexy. I love her, but I'm kind of feeling fed up of being torn down the midldle. Am I wrong to want her to be thin and physically attractive? I'm far from perfect, but I try to look after myself a bit.

    She keeps talking about marriage, and honestly, the thought of committing to a lifelong relationship where I'm not 100% happy scares the crap out of me. I love her, she's an awesome person, but surely I need to find her body attractive?

    I don't know what to do and I hate myself for even writing this; I'm also terrified she finds this and works out it's me somehow... PEGym rule 101: incognito mode.

    One thing that hurts is the first time she saw me naked I was in a sitting position which made mini me, erm, look rather mini. She thought that that was the full package and she confessed weeks later that she almost ended our relationship because she thought I was small. She obviously learned afterwards that I'm actually normal sized but I've never been able to shake that self doubt. Point is, I'm obviously not the only shallow person in this relationship.

    Am I evil and selfish for feeling stuck like this? I don't want to end a long term relationship as I can't imagine her not in my life, but at the same time, I'm constantly looking at other thin, attractive girls and thinking why can't she be like that? I don't want to be unhappy and wasting away experiences. She's the only girl I've been with as well...

  • #2
    How old are you?
    The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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    • #3
      In answer to your question, NO, you're not bad, shallow, or selfish. If your GF has an unhealthy diet, and doesn't exercise regularly, try talking to her about how improving her diet & exercise can help her lose weight, making her health better, reducing her chances of developing diabetes, and make sex better for the both of you. ALL VALID arguments, I might add!

      Join her in the effort to encourage her, too. If she sees you're willing to invest your time in helping her health & fitneess, she can't refuse. If she doesn't agree, then I'd move on with finding someone whom you're more attracted to. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends, but everyone has some standards they shouldn't compromise. Sounds like you've found some of yours.

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      • #4
        Somewhere between 25 and 35. Don't want to say exactly just in case...
        Originally posted by jockinthebox View Post
        In answer to your question, NO, you're not bad, shallow, or selfish. If your GF has an unhealthy diet, and doesn't exercise regularly, try talking to her about how improving her diet & exercise can help her lose weight, making her health better, reducing her chances of developing diabetes, and make sex better for the both of you. ALL VALID arguments, I might add!

        Join her in the effort to encourage her, too. If she sees you're willing to invest your time in helping her health & fitneess, she can't refuse. If she doesn't agree, then I'd move on with finding someone whom you're more attracted to. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends, but everyone has some standards they shouldn't compromise. Sounds like you've found some of yours.
        We tried. We both joined a gym, and it's sort of fizzled out. She has a busy job and claims she has no time for slimming world etc, but she's always been big.
        Grower87
        Junior Member
        Last edited by Grower87; 07-12-2017, 03:22 PM.

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        • #5
          Nothing against you, but what changed? If she was always big whybdoes it matter now?
          ALL THE WAY WITH GOOD OLE JAY!

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          • #6
            She has no time to try and stay healthy?

            http://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/ob...health-risks#1
            CUSP82
            Administrator
            Admin of the Month Dec 2014
            PEGym Hero
            Last edited by CUSP82; 07-12-2017, 03:34 PM.
            The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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            • #7
              You're not evil. You bring up some valid concerns because everyone wants to be physically attracted to their partner.

              I'll give you some things to think about.

              First, try to move past her comment. Clearly, she was inexperienced and didn't understand the difference between men who are growers and who are showers. That's nothing about you or your size - but about her not understanding male anatomy. You holding on to this isn't doing you, her or your relationship any good at all. Move on.

              Second, yes, you should be physically attracted to your partner. But, remember the physical aspects of both of you are going to change as you grow older. Even if you're physically fit now - you're going to get wrinkle, go grey or bald, maybe even get a "dad bod". Age will make it so that maybe your not as ready for sex as you are now - your EQ may suffer - your sex drive will likely lessen.

              Will you think it fair if she decides she doesn't find you physically attractive anymore and leaves you?

              What if you get into a car accident tomorrow or a house fire - and are truly physically deformed? Will it be OK for her to leave you?

              What if your partner loses a lot of weight, gets super-fit, but then has breast cancer and has to suffer a double masectomy? Will you leave her then?

              The point here is -- if you are IN LOVE with her - not just care about her - the physical aspects won't matter. If you find the weight is a deal breaker - that you're willing to walk away of an obviously great woman because of it - you're not in love with her, and she really deserves someone who loves her for her - and is attracted to her despite any physical aspects.

              Lastly, if you are in love with her, this doesn't mean that you have to be happy about her being unhealthy. You can be a positive influence in her life in making some healthy changes. You don't have to even mention her weight or wanting to change it. Be a force for change by action - not words.

              Do more physical things - go for walks every night after dinner - do easy sports like frisbee golf. Go to the zoo or a museum - something that is a bit of walking. Suggest healthier meals. Skip the fast food places and no snacking in between meals, other than fruit or veggies (no dip!). At restaurants, ask if you two can split a meal and then each get a small side salad to go with it. If you're in the States - and if you cook together - try services like HelloFresh and cook together. Things like this will not only improve both of your health, but also can bring you closer together.
              Kimberly
              PEGym.com

              Follow us on Twitter! https://twitter.com/pegym

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Grower87 View Post
                Somewhere between 25 and 35. Don't want to say exactly just in case...


                We tried. We both joined a gym, and it's sort of fizzled out. She has a busy job and claims she has no time for slimming world etc, but she's always been big.
                You both have to MAKE time. And, sometimes going to the gym when you're overweight isn't about not having time -- it's about not being comfortable there. She's likely only using the time as an excuse. Also, if she's always been big, then it might be simply overwhelming.

                Do you guys watch TV every night? Well, there's time that could be spent doing something physical. And, it doesn't have to be going hard core at the gym.

                Like I said above - start by taking a walk every night together. Start with it being short -- whatever she's comfortable with. But, increase the time/distance each week. After you guys are walking for 45 minutes to an hour each night, suggest signing up together for a fun 5k walk. Do it together - no competition - just completing it will be an accomplishment!

                You just have to decide -- if she never changes, despite your efforts, do you love her enough to stick it out? If not, better to let her know now, so she can find someone else.

                And, one last thing... diet is going to play a HUGE factor in any weight loss. I'm not talking restricting calories to some crazy level. But, instead, making healthier food choices. Seriously - no unhealthy snacks, no fast food, watch your refined carbs intake (pasta, bread, sugar, etc.). It's very hard to out-exercise a crappy diet.
                Last edited by KMWylie; 07-12-2017, 03:48 PM.
                Kimberly
                PEGym.com

                Follow us on Twitter! https://twitter.com/pegym

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Grower87 View Post
                  Somewhere between 25 and 35. Don't want to say exactly just in case...


                  We tried. We both joined a gym, and it's sort of fizzled out. She has a busy job and claims she has no time for slimming world etc, but she's always been big.
                  Firstly gym is probably not going to help as much as you would think. Honestly a 'fit' body is like 80% healthy eating and 20% exercise.

                  I honestly swear by 16:8 Intermitting fasting (look it up) combined with eating good quality food 80% of the time. Mostly meat and fish with veg and wholegrains.

                  I don't think your a terrible person for feeling this way, we live in a fat shaming society. Being fat is seen as lazy, gluttonous etc In the past it's been seen very attractive and a sign of wealth being overweight.

                  I think you need to speak to her but in a kind way. Say your worried about her health, if she's talking about marriage and children, you could mention the risks and conditions of being overweight and pregnant.

                  Go at it as a team and accept she might fall of the waggon but you'll be there getting her back on track. She currently has an addiction to food, you both need to find a replacement addiction (which is of benefit).

                  Also you probably need to accept it's going to take a good while to achieve a healthy weight.
                  Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

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                  • #10
                    Well 20 stone or 280lb is just straight out not healthy.

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                    • #11
                      Thanks all.

                      I think it boils down to being too scared to make a decision either way, so I'm just riding it out. She has always been big but it seems like she's been getting bigger. We had a huge falling out over it because she found some texts on my phone where I'd shared concerns with a friend. She was heartbroken obviously and we very nearly broke up. So I've always had these concerns but I've just gone along with it. I'm a coward.

                      I don't know what to do. I'm sick of feeling this way. I know I'm being selfish to an extent. She's my first real girlfriend which is ridiculous for my age, I know. I don't want to leave her and write off the relationship, but I can't go on feeling like this. I look at her sister or other slim, pretty girls and get butterflies because I'm physically attracted to them. I just don't get this with my partner; her body is a physical turn off.

                      I hate myself so much for saying this aloud, I'm just so stuck feeling like this. I fear it's just going to go on and on as I can't see myself wanting to marry her. I keep saying to myself and others that I'm not ready to get married, but I don't know if that's me not wanting to marry, or not marry her. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she just dumped me and found someone better, but then that's just me being a pathetic coward. I feel I need to be upfront and say I have an issue with her weight still but I think it's too late as I've hidden it for too long. I fear it would just cause a horrific brake up and her family and friends would hate me.
                      Grower87
                      Junior Member
                      Last edited by Grower87; 07-13-2017, 01:14 PM.

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                      • #12
                        Sounds like you need a new gf if she really is up around that weight . A girl 20 stone likely has issues that underlie .

                        You need to develop confidence, there are more women out there.

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                        • #13
                          Tf she refuses to diet & exercise for her own health now, why do you think she will change in the future? Do you want kids eventually? If she's excessively overweight & gets pregnant, it could endanger not only her life but the baby's as well, leaving you a widower possibly raising a child. THAT'S NOT FAIR TO YOU! YOU deserve better, so GO OUT & FIND A NEW PARTNER that you can be turned-on by!

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                          • #14
                            Search deep inside and you will find your answer. You say you love her, but do you really? Someone in love looks past physical things and loves the person unconditionally. I've seen my wife do the seesaw of skinny to pregnant to skinny to gaining weight because of medications to skinny and then to gaining weight from going OFF medications and the yoyo of life. It still is the same person and that is what attracted me to her. Hell, she has seen me go from 175lbs up to 230lbs and then back to my current weight of 200lbs. I've gained muscle so the current weight is not reflective of the original 175lbs. Point being that people change or are who they are. In the future, as you are young, aging will also take a toll on other aspects of looks, but if you don't TRULY love her now, the future changes will be hard for you to accept. My wife is my best friend. Big or small, healthy or sick, disabled or mobile, it doesn't matter. We are bonded together and that is how it shall be. I do truly love my wife. This is the question that you need to answer - the superficial does not change the person.

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                            • #15
                              Look I have a different view being 280lb and not wanting to do anything about it says something about her personality yada yada.

                              He is not talking mild overweight here unless she is 7 ft tall . This is serious obesity .

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