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Mental problems with wife's and own sexual past

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  • Trapezius, I believe you are getting caught up in your own vicious cycle. ThePowerPole said it best: it might be that your ego is invested in being the 'best lover' or something like it, by becoming obsessed with conquering women through expert sexual performance. I think you've already realized how bad the thought pattern can be... but still, seems like you can't quite stop yourself from re-engaging with the obsession. It might take you YEARS before you finally let it all go... I predict that it'll feel like a huge weight coming off your shoulders.. you couldn't believe you've been carrying all this time. Again, I think that PowerPole guy is really smart and nailed it in his post: the more you OCD yourself into tying your ego to sex, the more you become a slave to it. Just to add to that: I also think that if life is unbalanced - in the sense that some important things are missing, like having a social bond with the community or engaging in other activities that make you feel self-realized - then the unbalance will have a way of manifesting as an obsession, be it sexual or worse violent. The ancient Greeks called it the Psichi.. or the state of mind... Hippocrates said that the secret to a good life and healthy body was down to having a balanced Psichi.

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    • Originally posted by BlueMorpho View Post
      Trapezius, I believe you are getting caught up in your own vicious cycle. ThePowerPole said it best: it might be that your ego is invested in being the 'best lover' or something like it, by becoming obsessed with conquering women through expert sexual performance. I think you've already realized how bad the thought pattern can be... but still, seems like you can't quite stop yourself from re-engaging with the obsession. It might take you YEARS before you finally let it all go... I predict that it'll feel like a huge weight coming off your shoulders.. you couldn't believe you've been carrying all this time. Again, I think that PowerPole guy is really smart and nailed it in his post: the more you OCD yourself into tying your ego to sex, the more you become a slave to it. Just to add to that: I also think that if life is unbalanced - in the sense that some important things are missing, like having a social bond with the community or engaging in other activities that make you feel self-realized - then the unbalance will have a way of manifesting as an obsession, be it sexual or worse violent. The ancient Greeks called it the Psichi.. or the state of mind... Hippocrates said that the secret to a good life and healthy body was down to having a balanced Psichi.
      Thank you very much for posting.

      This sounds right and my therapist has said same thing. Ego has picture of beeing Alfa male with great body and big dick and great sexual performance. And all women are hungry for more and call back to have more sex, or something like that. Therapist has said I should try to make sex less important in my mind. Sex is just sex and it happens if it happens and it is like it is. No pressure to hava much sex and no pre disposition of how good sex should be.

      To the age 32 sex was not issue. We had sex with ex-wife sometimes more sometimes less. It was not very important. No anxiety related to it. Until it became the most important thing in life and I started PE and using ED drugs to boost performance. Nothing wrong about those, but in mind it took too important role to be always super man sexually.

      That is true too that life is lacking other things like engaging with community. I just go to work, grocery store and gym to train alone and home.


      ​​​

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      • Damn those bad memories or traumas what previous woman caused disturb me. When we had broke up and continued to be in touch. I slept there beside her many nights without touch or sex. And did/bring food and other things like when we were together. She said nothing and make it seem like there is change things will be good again but she had sex with others in same time. Many different guys. She told me later and I suspected it. She lied straigth to my face about other men.

        Now as I have seen what women can do. Lie and cheat. I find very hard to trust my current gf and suspect her. It is painful. As I sleep there without sex and all kind of other things exect sex. I feel just like with previous woman, terrible. Previous woman said once that when I had not enough time for her that she needed one man to keep her company and me to have sex. In the end it was other way around.

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        • If you don't trust you're current girlfriend then dump her now before she learns how you feel and dumps you first.
          The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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          • Originally posted by CUSP82 View Post
            If you don't trust you're current girlfriend then dump her now before she learns how you feel and dumps you first.
            Not only this, stop driving yourself crazy.

            You never slow down, you never grow old!

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            • That I will do. Thanks for comments guys.

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              • Today after work I went to get trailer and we drove 1 hour to get her new kitchen table. Then get it to her place, drove back to my place to get her car. Then she said she will leave to home. I asked do I came too over night. She replied " or do you sleep at home" and "I will go to shower and then sleep early". Clock was 20:00 and sleep early means 22-23. I had hard time to keep from tears coming to eyes.

                One memory from past with previous woman. She was in my place and we went to sauna. Then she said she must leave to home. Weeks/months later she told one guy came to fuck her later at night. What a nice life experiences I have with women.

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                • Old thought come to mind. When I was teenager and young 20 something man, I was very good looking. Many beautiful women came to hit me, but because of my failed start of sex life as 15yo I had no courage to make a move for sex. Then I had one girl and next was my wife. Then at 34-35yo my good look continued to work and I had luck with few beautiful women. I had thought that I am too old and wasted my gift of good looks, I was wrong. Now few years later I have this same thought and it's probably mostly bullshit but a little more reality as balding starts to be pretty ugly. And mind thinks that I should have had more experiences with women when I was younger, better looking with full head of hair. At least I have still good body that I like.

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                  • I don't think that failed start at 15yo affected you that much, you still afterwards had one gf and a wife that you spent good portion of your life with. That wife turned out to be a terrible human being, cheated on you and after that kept in touch with you to torture you with her sex life. You took that personally, as if it was your fault that she cheated on you. She made you feel inadequate in sex so you invested yourself too much in that, trying to make sure it wouldn't happen again. Like sex is the base of relationship and someone's worth.

                    I just feel that you forgot what love is and how to love. Sex isn't performance, soul talks to a soul during sex. Of course, there is casual sex but everything in moderation. And for you I would not recommend it because you don't know how to love and you would be consumed by it.

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                    • Originally posted by thepowerpole View Post
                      I don't think that failed start at 15yo affected you that much, you still afterwards had one gf and a wife that you spent good portion of your life with. That wife turned out to be a terrible human being, cheated on you and after that kept in touch with you to torture you with her sex life. You took that personally, as if it was your fault that she cheated on you. She made you feel inadequate in sex so you invested yourself too much in that, trying to make sure it wouldn't happen again. Like sex is the base of relationship and someone's worth.

                      I just feel that you forgot what love is and how to love. Sex isn't performance, soul talks to a soul during sex. Of course, there is casual sex but everything in moderation. And for you I would not recommend it because you don't know how to love and you would be consumed by it.
                      It was woman I dated after divorcing my wife that cheated me.

                      It feels impossible to love anyone with mind in this state. My current gf sexual past has started to haunt me about year after we met.

                      At start she talked that she had usually younger guys. When we were out in town there was some young guy in bar who with my gf had something going on before we met. And then she knows 2 guys who live in same house as me! And when we were walking some guy came across that she knew and he smiled/grinned to my gf. Surely they had sexual affair before and I think she has quite a lot of guys as sex partners in last 5 years of not beeing in long relationships. Some of them she calls "friends".

                      Nothing of that matters. Mind wants to go for that it matter, but really it is that it brings painfull sting to me that I have failed in that part of life what she and many guys have succeeded. For many it comes naturally meeting and dating different people, not founding anything lasting, and outcome is many partners without actually trying to get many partners. I have tried to get many partners in fall 2019 and to get those experiences and not feeling inferiority about it, but failed. And downgrading looks (balding) gives more problems to go and do it. Before I had some confidence to go talk to women in bars but right now it's low. Still have enough condidence to go tinder dates. I think I have to get to the point where I feel I have succeeded in this part of life before I can let it go. Before that my partners sexual past will always haunt me.

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                      • IDK but did you make a TV series of this and is it call sex life??

                        sounds very familiar

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                        • Originally posted by Junior17288 View Post
                          IDK but did you make a TV series of this and is it call sex life??

                          sounds very familiar
                          I have to watch first episode of that show. It is on netflix.

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                          • Originally posted by Trapezius View Post
                            That is true too that life is lacking other things like engaging with community. I just go to work, grocery store and gym to train alone and home.
                            I would imagine that this would be a starting point to go about unlocking the secret of your obsession (with wanting to be a Super Male Alpha). Maybe the start to a better life is to accept that your life right now is missing something, maybe even missing MANY things. Not everyone has got a wonderful life going... so one thing you could do now is just accept the fact that life COULD be better. But can it be made better? That part is in your hands... but personally, I don't believe that time doing PE stuff is going to make it better. It's about reconnecting with your emotionality. Working out alone at a gym, or doing PE, may benefit your body, but these activities cannot stimulate or engage your emotions. Watching a drama on TV can... sounds silly but it does.. sooner or later a character may start growing on you. So TV can help for a bit... but ultimately, you will want to live and engage in the real world, get to know some people, some will leave abroad and that might cause a bit of sadness... but that's ok! It means you are starting to FEEL again. Those that stay around may become friends, or you might find that spending time with the community already makes you feel "wholesome" again.

                            All this to say that to me it is better to be on a path of feeling vibrant emotions, even if these are more sad than happy, than it is to numb the pain by retreating within and closing the door to new experiences.

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                            • Originally posted by BlueMorpho View Post

                              I would imagine that this would be a starting point to go about unlocking the secret of your obsession (with wanting to be a Super Male Alpha). Maybe the start to a better life is to accept that your life right now is missing something, maybe even missing MANY things. Not everyone has got a wonderful life going... so one thing you could do now is just accept the fact that life COULD be better. But can it be made better? That part is in your hands... but personally, I don't believe that time doing PE stuff is going to make it better. It's about reconnecting with your emotionality. Working out alone at a gym, or doing PE, may benefit your body, but these activities cannot stimulate or engage your emotions. Watching a drama on TV can... sounds silly but it does.. sooner or later a character may start growing on you. So TV can help for a bit... but ultimately, you will want to live and engage in the real world, get to know some people, some will leave abroad and that might cause a bit of sadness... but that's ok! It means you are starting to FEEL again. Those that stay around may become friends, or you might find that spending time with the community already makes you feel "wholesome" again.

                              All this to say that to me it is better to be on a path of feeling vibrant emotions, even if these are more sad than happy, than it is to numb the pain by retreating within and closing the door to new experiences.
                              Great post! Thank you. I will start by going to yoga/stretching class where is a lot of people. And going out more.

                              One problem I have nowadays is lack of self-confidence and it affects greatly how I communicate with people. Or how I communicate with women. It is about my looks. I remember that before when I had ok self-confidence I was good at talking to women. That area I must build back up. It also makes my retroactive jealousy worse because I am jealous to men who have good self-confidence approaching women. And if I leave my GF I don't have anymore confidence to approach new women.

                              ​​​

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                              • Today was a bad and sad day. For the first time I asked my GF if one guy at my work was the one she talked before that she knew. It was him. Anxiety peaked and I could not stop myself and asked some more questions. She said it was 11 years ago that they met and knew two weeks and did not have sex (I don't belieave that at all). And he was the quy who with she could start a family. Anxiety peaked throught the roof and I was thinking she lies. She would not say she would start family if they knew 2 weeks and did not even have sex. I did not send another message, but apologized very much. She said she feels bad now. Now I am in shame that I asked her. Slowly I destroy this relationship too and could not leave on time before I start to ask questions about past. Fuck.

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