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  • Marriage Drought

    There was a thread on here a while back explaining how after a few years of marriage the wife will sometimes go cold. Can anyone give me the information about that, something to do with not having kids, so she sees sex as pointless subconsciously, but shell give you BS reason like a headache. Appreciate it.

  • #2
    It has been mentioned a few times and a couple of different researchers have come to the similar conclusions.

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    • #3
      Do you have any specifics on it so I can research it a little. You also turned me on to a book to rekindle the spark I believe, I can't remember, it helped as well as it could any info I'd appreciate it.

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      • #4
        The sex diaries by Bettina Arndt goes into the area you are talking about in depth . She doesn't draw such direct conclusions re kids ( I think that was a german researcher from memory).
        She does say the frustrations of life can have an effect on libido but basically says most(but not all) women seem to have lower libido than their male partner after a few years marriage . Often regardless of any action on the male part .

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        • #5
          Thanks I'm going to do some homework

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          • #6
            By the by I found pages 216 to 220 interesting about women learning vaginal orgasm. She dismisses Hites work and quotes research to back . Some of the quotes from researchers support the view that many women are not in touch with their vagina and many men lack the skill and stamina to support vaginal orgasm . She does quote twin research that claims a genetic link though.

            In any case it appears most women have had a vaginal orgasm given the right partner and circumstance . It also appears many of the remainder will or can learn .

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            • #7
              Sex when you're married is different than dating. Sex when you're dating is a reward for how you treated her on the date. Sex when you're married is a reward for how you've treated her all week. Foreplay often starts with the dishes, laundry, and conversation about her day.

              And it's not that women don't like sex or give BS excuses because it's not for procreation... It's because it takes her longer to get in the mood. Sometimes women need more foreplay than just right before sex, like holding her and whispering sweet nothing in her ear, prolonged eye contact where you tell her all the things you've said before but she needs to hear, and giving her a massage not to get some but to make her feel good.
              Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

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              • #8
                Originally posted by TheGreatDivider View Post
                Sex when you're married is different than dating. Sex when you're dating is a reward for how you treated her on the date. Sex when you're married is a reward for how you've treated her all week. Foreplay often starts with the dishes, laundry, and conversation about her day.

                And it's not that women don't like sex or give BS excuses because it's not for procreation... It's because it takes her longer to get in the mood. Sometimes women need more foreplay than just right before sex, like holding her and whispering sweet nothing in her ear, prolonged eye contact where you tell her all the things you've said before but she needs to hear, and giving her a massage not to get some but to make her feel good.
                As stated above and many times previous while all that may help in some cases it very frequently doesn't .
                The research supporting this is detailed in the book mentioned above . Other researchers have come to similar conclusions. Although the reasons why are not yet clearly understood it has become clear that any action on behalf of the partner very frequently has nothing to do with it .

                That said it behoves any long term partner to attempt to find any solution that involves "foreplay" doing the disnes or whatever because they can be relevant in some cases .

                Just be prepared that whatever action you take may not work because it simply may be nothing to do with you

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                • #9
                  Oh by the way this sort of genetic patterned low libido can take varying times to present but usually within 3 years.

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                  • #10
                    My own experiences through life confirms a lot of what Peg is saying. Sorry GD but your analogy of what you think is going on does not jive with me. Here is what I have experienced:

                    When dating sex was a two way street, I wanted it as much as he did and it was exciting and something I craved. There was never a thought in my mind, if he does this or gets me this then I will give him a "reward". Once married, the craving was still there and I do believe that this 3 years and libido slacks a little is probably true as this is when our first child came into the picture. At this time in my life I went from Goddess to Nurse Maid instantly. The over whelming feeling of responsibility that I felt during pregnancy than especially after birth of a child was incredible and my time and energy was focused on the raising of that child and "being the best mom". It is not that I did not desire my husband, but it was not a focus of mine as I had different priorities.

                    When we talked about our sex life decreasing in frequency I would feel guilty about neglecting him as I did not want him to feel that he and his needs were not important to me. It is at this time the initiation of sex started to feel like a responsibility and another thing on my growing to-do list instead of animalistic act of love making. Once in the act however, I would relax and enjoy the communion.

                    Once our children started to become more independent and the need for mommy decreased, my libido increased. It did not come all at once and there were still dry spells due to hormonal changes and over all just getting older, but now that we are almost empty nesters I crave him even more than before we were married.

                    The key to living through it however, was great communication about our needs and awesome understanding of what the other was going through in their life at any given point in time. Most importantly, as a woman, I have to say that there was never a doubt in my mind that to him, I was still a Goddess. It is hard to feel sexy if you feel like a nurse maid!

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                    • #11
                      Thanks for that. It just sucks sometimes and that responsible you spoke of can sometimes feel like oh yeah you did do that I guess we should mess around. It's funny how that maternal instinct kicks in and women forget it's only for 10-15 years, not til death do they part. I wonder how many marriages fail or never come back from this Time period.

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                      • #12
                        Many women never recover their libido from this time period.

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                        • #13
                          We will see our youngest is 2, so about 2-3 more years, plus the boys will be older, all my kids are 4 years apart, so 4-5 with two brothers over the age of 7 will help.

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                          • #14
                            Good luck.

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                            • #15
                              Thanks

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