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How can I stop being judgmental and toxic

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  • How can I stop being judgmental and toxic

    Hello, I have been dating my GF for around 3 months. And I would like to hear your input, maybe something I should do to stop being the person I am today.

    Ok so around 4 months ago I started chatting on an online dating site with my now girlfriend, we were chatting periodically, and one day around a month later decided to meet. Im very introverted by nature, never party, dont drink or smoke, And from our chatting she made her self seem very much alike, also introverted, very much in common.

    So we had our first date, we went for a drive, saw the sunset on the last warm days of autumn, very pleasant day that was. And by the looks she seemed very innocent.

    Fast forward almost a month, I had my first kiss ever with her about 10 days ago, we are making out on her bed really hard, she says she wants to sleep with me, but not yet (she does not know Im still virgin at this point), She shoves her hand down my pants starts doing a great handjob, after which proceeds to give me a BJ. Next morning I had job errands to do and I left.

    Next evening we go for a drive, having a chat, she asks me about my previous sexual experiences, since it seems I know what im doing with her, I tell her that Im virgin, And she was the first girl I ever kissed (im 23), She was kinda dumbstruck, said that I knew what I was doing, and everything, but she said nothing about her sexual past at the time, even though I shared my shameful secret with no hesitation. Since I dont like to hide.

    Anyhow, going back through time till present day, she has told so much about her sexual past, and crazy parties, countless times she has been drunk, one time she was drunk and horny and went to some stud she was seeing, and he ended up fucking her in the ass, but she was to drunk to do anything about it. Or another time she slept with a 35 year old man. And thats probably only the half of it.

    Ok, where am I going with this? She really has strong feelings for me, otherwise we would not have planned new year plans 1 month in advance, she would not tell her parents about me, and we are going to see them in a few weeks, she wants to see me all the time. And to tell you the truth I have really strong feelings for her, because we can talk about anything, we feel comfortable not talking just being in each others company. I have met her friends, and she has met my family.

    The problem Is with me, It just eats me alive knowing what she has done in the past, all the partying, sleeping around, doing drugs. I want to be with her, but how do I stop worrying about her past!? How? It also somewhat makes me envy her, since all those years I never partied, Im working as a mechanic since 17, Im now a professional welder. I just want to be happy that I have her now, but my brain keeps thinking that she is damaged goods. Oh god, im so miserable I hate myself. I sometimes feel as I should just leave her so she could find someone better.

    I really hope to hear from you guys, good or bad, yes I know im a jerk.

  • #2
    It won't get better. Retroactive jealousy will always haunt you. Don't believe me, wait until she says she's been with bigger dicks. Woman have no idea the damage they do to men when discussing the past. Dump her and save yourself a lot of frustration.

    Comment


    • #3
      Nearly everyone your going meet for relationship now is going to have some sort of past.

      If you wanted to be with someone with a clean slate you needed to get into a relationship around 16/17.

      I think you should try to view it as she got that out the way so she now knows what she wants and it's you. I would be more worried being her and you a virgin, thinking will he want to know what else is out there.
      Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.

      Comment


      • #4
        Very smart girl ole Tara is, even if she is a girl. I would listen to her well.
        The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

        Comment


        • #5
          I was in that spot 25 or so years ago, too ... I was a virgin into my mid 20s like you. At this point, if you want to sleep with someone, make sure it is the right girl ... it is very easy to get caught up in the EUPHORIA of a hot and heavy relationship. I can tell your emotions are up and down already with the girl. You're sky high one minute, and then something brings you down and crashes. The questions you ask yourself are valid ... because you are contemplating to compromise your values. That is your dilemma.

          If she is worth it, she'll wait until you are ready. If she just wants to fuck, she'll find someone else, and you'll be better off for it.
          Start (01/01/18) BPEL=6.25, MEG=5.00
          12/03/18 BPEL=7.25, MEG=5.00
          Restart (12/01/21) BPEL=6.50, MEG=5.125
          Current BPEL=6.50, MEG=5.125
          Next Goal BPEL=7.00 MEG = 5.50

          Comment


          • #6
            I empathise with you OP, it sounds like you have extreme FOMO. Trust that you're actually not missing out. I mean, you should try some of that stuff if it interests you, but in terms of being with her, you're just a little jealous and envious. You should actually tell her that. Realistically, the fact that she had sexual experiences before you is not unexpected and should even be celebrated. As someone who has been in your situation and then fucked a lot of people, chill out, it feels like this stuff is all important, but I promise you it's not.
            Starting - Goal
            BPEL: 6.7 - BPEL: 8.5
            MSEG: 5.25 - MSEG: 6.25
            Current: BPEL: 7.0 MSEG: 5.6

            Comment


            • #7
              Stop thinking about her past and enjoy the present with her, she's obviously picked you over partying. So what if you didn't party and sleep around like she used to, you've got a gf you like a lot and that's a lot more than partying would get you. You've got things good man, think about how lucky you to be hanging out with a girlfriend you really like instead of being alone.
              Start
              BPEL: 6.75-7"(not a good measurement)
              BEG: 5ish (not a good measurement)

              Current (4/10/2018)
              BPEL: 8"
              MSEG: 5.375-5.45"


              Goal
              BPEL: 8"+
              MSEG: 6"

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by pencilman12 View Post
                The problem Is with me, It just eats me alive knowing what she has done in the past, all the partying, sleeping around, doing drugs. I want to be with her, but how do I stop worrying about her past!? How? It also somewhat makes me envy her, since all those years I never partied, Im working as a mechanic since 17, Im now a professional welder. I just want to be happy that I have her now, but my brain keeps thinking that she is damaged goods. Oh god, im so miserable I hate myself. I sometimes feel as I should just leave her so she could find someone better.

                I really hope to hear from you guys, good or bad, yes I know im a jerk.
                In my opinion you have to decide what you want. If you want to be with her, then you have to move forward and find a way to forgive and forget. If you don't want to be with her, then best to move on and not make things worse.

                I'm guessing you want to be with her, otherwise you would not be here posting about it.
                There is no easy solution. Time is a key factor.

                Experts suggest a few things:
                Forgive. This is important. It is also a choice. You have to make the determination to forgive her.

                Talk to a wise confidant. Don't constantly bring up her past with her. Talk to some you trust. The "Gym here is good, but a lot of folks will chime in with their own insecurities and give you advice base don their own problems, so be wary.

                Don't judge, accept. Remember, all of her past experiences make her who she is now. If you had met her before she had a wild time, you may not have hit it off so well. Her life experience is who she is. Just accept it and let go of your own judgement. Easier said than done, but again, it is a choice.

                Focus on the facts. She is with you now. You are making plans and sharing your lives. That is the now. What is gone is gone.

                A simple Zen lesson:

                An old and a young monk were walking together when they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross, they saw a young woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

                The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows never to touch a woman.

                Without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his 
journey.

                The younger monk couldn’t believe what had happened, and after a few hours passed, finally could bot contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman?”

                The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down a long time ago, why are you still carrying her?”
                03/2015 Start <Able to last ~ 2 mins PIV>
                Thread
                12/2019 EL: +2.2 MEG: +1 <Able to last 60+ mins PIV>

                Comment


                • #9
                  Love that last piece about the monks, a lot of sense there, a lot of others on here should take note.

                  NOWHARD

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Your gf was stupid to tell you about her past. No one should do that. What is past is past. I like to think I do not regret anything I have done, and I have done a lot. I just think I should have been more mature and avoided those things or accepted I could have behaved better. One thing I won't do anymore is swinging, menages, married women, the things I did for money when I was younger when I was in London. I am quite mum about my past, especially when I was a teenager and before I got married. My kids wouldn't like it to know what dear old dad got up to back then, nor would their mother and my ex partner.

                    One way not to be toxic is to engage your brain before your mouth, take a breath before opening the mouth. Also, fixate on other things, your career, your hobbies, your goals, keep looking towards the future. The past is like looking at Tut's mummy, the man had a life, loved, enjoyed life and now is a desiccated corpse, life is a one way trip and moving forward.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think that relationship got destroyed when she told you all those things. It would be fun to know why she told you all that.

                      You was in your situation 12 years ago and I choose to stay. 21 yo inexperienced, basicly virgin guy and much more experienced girl 20 yo girl. She told me same kind of things than your gf and it felt bad, but liked her and stayed. For 11 years this information was buried and it didn't bother me. But now the last 18 months I've been miserable most of the time and cursed my decision many times to stay with her 12 years ago. I've made progress and think I'm going to win this retroactive jealousy in the end, but it has been extremely difficult and painful. And my feelings for her unfortunately have almost died in the process.

                      I advice you to save yourself from misery and leave her. Or to learn sex with her and then leave her. And to learn from this experience that if your future girlfriend tries to talk anything about her sexual past you shut her mouth instantly.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by pencilman12 View Post
                        Hello, I have been dating my GF for around 3 months. And I would like to hear your input, maybe something I should do to stop being the person I am today.

                        Ok so around 4 months ago ...I have her now, but my brain keeps thinking that she is damaged goods. Oh god, im so miserable I hate myself. I sometimes feel as I should just leave her so she could find someone better.

                        I really hope to hear from you guys, good or bad, yes I know im a jerk.
                        The obvious answer is -- If you really care about her, focus on the present and the future.

                        I know that's harder than it sounds. But, your other option is you'll lose her -- either when you walk away or you drive her away with your judgement.

                        So, first step -- really think about how you feel about her. She sounds like a great girl, despite her past. And, it sounds like you guys have the start of a really good relationship. Do you really want to throw that away over your own insecurities?

                        Because this isn't really about her past -- it's really about you being insecure.

                        I suppose I'd also do some introspective thinking as well. You say you don't smoke, party, etc.... but, have you ever done anything that people may look down upon? Anything that maybe wasn't your proudest moment?

                        Would you want someone to hold that against you?

                        In life, if you continually focus on the past, you miss all of the blessings of the present - and can't enjoy the excitement of future possibilities. That's true for all of us - in ALL situations.

                        I wouldn't throw away something potentially great - but that's just me.
                        Kimberly
                        PEGym.com

                        Follow us on Twitter! https://twitter.com/pegym

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by KMWylie View Post

                          So, first step -- really think about how you feel about her. She sounds like a great girl, despite her past. And, it sounds like you guys have the start of a really good relationship. Do you really want to throw that away over your own insecurities?

                          Because this isn't really about her past -- it's really about you being insecure.
                          Insecurity is major thing in RJ, but it's not only root cause. You can be just genuinely disgusted from knowing some details.

                          Usually too different sexual pasts cause trouble. Especially when other is virgin and other has had all kinds of experiences. Not a good ground to build.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            What's done is done and they call the past the past for a reason - it is behind you. What hasn't been said is does she regret her past and does she want a different future? Most everyone in their youth have done stupid things they regret and wish they could turn back the clock and have a redo. Hopefully she is at that point in her life. What is most important about a tainted past is it helps to form your future. Most become better people because they don't want to repeat the past. Like her, Love her for who she is now and understand that her past is what has made her the person you have feelings for now. I agree it would have been better for you not to have known about her past experience but I am sure it was all told in confidence with the expectation that you wanted to know, and she trusts you enough to share.

                            For you, if you really want to be with this girl, you need to realize that she doesn't look back at her past as the "glory days". If she does than you need to move on. When you remember her stories try putting it in the perspective of what it has done to her emotionally now, how she feels about it. If her feeling about her past are such that she misses it and looks back at it fondly than you have a problem, but if she is remorseful and regrets her actions than when you think about it you should feel remorse and regret for her having to have gone through it. This may help you put your jealousy in perspective . It is hard to be jealousy of a lousy past.

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                            • #15
                              You are right TheZZWoman. By the way I like your pussy, but wouldn't a Lioness or Tigress be a better avatar?

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