I pushed for details. She had better sex when cheating.

[GiftBringer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GiftBringer]

Hi. I'm struggling to make the right decision. Any viewpoint will be appreciated. Thanks.

My girlfriend kissed another guy at a party while I was away for 2 months. He kissed her first then she followed him and kissed him a second time. Hearing this was enough for me to split with her while I was away. We have been dating for 3 years btw.

She ended up getting with this guy and went many places with him while I lost my mind in another country.

I am a very sensual person and we used to have sex every day. That soon died out and I couldn't get much affection even if I would be the best guy in the world. Eventually I would have to ask for sex once a week. Every time it would feel like she was doing it out of obligation and this made me not want it anymore.

We really love each other like soul mates and so we got back together when I got back to my country. She was still seeing this other guy and then told me she would chose me because she still loves me and didn't have that connection with him.

Over a chat once she said she only enjoyed sex the first few times as it was rough. This led me to asking detailed questions (a really bad idea-i don't reccomend it). They did everything she asked him to get tested cause she wanted him without a condom. She said he would choke her a bit, slap her bum, anal, pull her hair and pick her up while putting her in the position he wanted while talking dirty and being in charge. He is quite a bit better looking and is a personal trainer so I'm not much competition.

This is screwing with my head. How a guy could do that to a girl I cherish so much. And the fact that I was never afforded the opportunity to be open with my own sexual desire for her and try those things. Seeing that I was always the one with the high sex drive I can't believe how she would have sex and I wouldn't.

I don't know if I can get over this. I am weak and took her back. I mean I broke up with her for kissing him twice. I don't know why I'm still here after hearing that she slept with him a whole bunch of times and had better sex. My motivation is dead and I doubt id be able to have normal sex with her when this picture is in my mind all the time.

I know it's a weak move but it's the only one my emotions have at the moment. Any outside information? Someone been through something similar?

[TBE Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TBE]

She is i hoe dump her.

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

She put your heart in a blender. Move on bro, plenty of fish in the sea. Don't waste anymore time on that heart grinder because if you do, you may miss out on somebody better. Trust me.

Just thank her for giving you permission to fuck whoever you want, and say good luck.

She doesn't deserve you. Keep standing.

[GiftBringer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GiftBringer]

Thanks. I know it's the right thing to do but it's difficult to throw away so much love. You're both right. Don't know if I can ever regain my masculinity.

[squall81 Senior Member Member of the Month June 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close squall81]

I went through something sort of similar. I wasn't out of the country though. It is a long road ahead, but it is possible to move through it. You're right that learning the details doesn't help, so its best to try and put them in the back of your mind. She probably has some unconscious indication that you haven't quite moved on and that may be making her feel guilty about sex as well. You definitely need to try and move through the emotional baggage if you want it to work and eventually you'll get to a point where you'll want to try some of the sex you were interested in before without comparing to the other dude. Anyways, its a lot of work but it sounds like you don't want to give up so easily.

[Ellford Senior Member Member of the Month Sept 2019 Find all posts View Profile Close Ellford]

Your young and youth is for experimenting to find what you like. It's like a supermarket full of food - some you like and some you don't, but you don't know till you try them all out.

Look at EVERY relationship as a learning experience, good or bad. When I was younger I called off my engagement and broke up with her. Sure it was mostly her, but I learned I needed to get a handle on my jealousy or I'd never find the right person.

Good luck.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

Well, she admitted that she kissed the guy to you and you broke up with her. As a result, she was not in a relationship when she slept with this other guy. So, it doesn't make her a whore, you gave her the freedom to move on. The fact that she finds you more attractive that what she thought the other guy was something she needed to find out herself. She admitted she only liked it a few times and now is back with you.

You should never have pressed her for details, nobody needs to hear what a partner did with someone else. That you brought on yourself and will need to figure out if you can get over it or not. Funny, my wife is a member here on the forums, so I have read things that she did before we were married and it hasn't changed me one bit. So, I don't press for information, it is offered whether I like it or not. We have a strong relationship that grows with each passing day. You had that at one time, will be your call if you really want it again.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Well of course she had better sex with the other guy, you broke up with her and she was angry with you. So the sex she had was angry sex, revenge sex, breakup sex, and first time sex rolled up in one. Each of those alone are pretty good all together that sex is incredible. But that sex would have only been that good the first time and then dropped off from there. As you said in your first post, she only slept with him a couple of times and then came back to you. BTW all that freaky stuff she did was him seeing what he could get away with. It had nothing to do with his level of attraction or how she felt about him, his dick size, or anything like that.

But, essentially the other man was nothing more than a rebound. She didn't have feeling for him he was just a means of make her feel better after the breakup. Everyone copes with breakups differently and some people just have to get a screw in before they come to terms with it. It's not the healthiest decision but whatever works. Personally, I think it's better to grieve first and then get some but I'm different.

Now the elephant in the room, let me just throw it out there. You've been together for three years and she betrayed you by kissing the other man. Ok, she crossed a boundary and that was unacceptable. However, your snap decision to breakup while you were away was the dumbest decision you could have made. There's always ALWAYS going be suitors going after your girl just waiting for the chance to sleep with her. You breaking up with her then was like giving her a free pass to sleep with him. But it's water under the bridge, learn from your mistakes and never do this again when you're in a temporary LDR.

Going forward from here, you need to be honest with her about what you're feeling and come to an agreement about reconciliation. If you don't want to work on the relationship let her go now. If you want to work on the relationship but you're not ready to go back the way things were before that's OK. Tell her you need to take things slow and that you are willing to forgive her but need some time to yourself. You can still talk to her and spend time with her but put the romantic part of the relationship on the back burner for now. Your old relationship is dead at this point and you're starting over with a new one, which requires time to get to know her again.

So for the next 2-3 weeks stop chasing her, stop saying "I love you", stop buying her gifts, and stop being so available. You're not going to be cold and distant with her, you're just not going to chase her and give the boyfriend experience until you get your head on straight. You need this time to see if you really want to take her back or not. Might I add, as someone who has dealt with this recently it helps to remind yourself that you don't need her as much as she needs you right now. If you wanted to you could go out to a bar, or club, park, grocery store, or wherever and meed another wonderful woman who will appreciate you. So keep that in mind when you miss her but aren't ready to forgive her just yet.

You have to pick your battles and not commit any war crimes in times of peace. As a man you're going to deal some things in the relationship that are not worth fighting over, and some things that hurt you in the past that you should never bring up just to hurt her in the future. I'm a bit older than you and have dealt with this a few times and there's a right and wrong way to deal with relationship infidelities. My girlfriend kissed a few of my friends at a cast party playing spin the bottle, most of them were gay/bisexual men along with a straight woman, and it pissed me off. I didn't break up her but was angry about it. Instead of siding with that anger and jealousy I just made my boundaries about what I would and would not tolerate clear and let it go reminding myself that I don't need her to be happy and that I can replace her if she becomes too much for me to tolerate. But for now I love her and will protect and care for her.

Lastly, know that no matter what you do you cannot make a woman stay faithful to you if she doesn't want to be. Again, it's not the end of the world if that happens and you can find someone else if things don't workout. But rather than being jealous and controlling with your partner, ruining your relationship and yourself in the process, you can give her more incentives to stay faithful by being a caring and supportive boyfriend and continuing to work on yourself, your goals, and your body in the process. Needless to say, you also have to have boundaries and your breaking point as well for any of those looking to say "Yes, but." The last thing you want is to be one of those guys that loses himself in the relationship and makes his woman out to be his entire world in the process. That guy is going to used, abused, and abandoned because he's so nice and available all the time and is willing to put up with everything she does to him. On the other hand, the jealous and controlling boyfriend will also drive his partner away because he makes his woman so unhappy.

What keeps her with you is not just love it's also how you make her feel. Part of what keeps a woman attracted to you is how you treat her when you can't her. When she's irritating you, when she's being a bitch, when she's getting hit on and you're feeling jealous, and when she's upset you like this. You can either let your feeling control you and let her have all the harsh words you're feeling at the time, or you can be an adult about it and control yourself. You never want to go tit for tat with hurt feelings and arguments because it always ends badly. Generally, it's best for you to calm down and then talk about it rather than acting irrationally. If she crosses a boundary like kissing a guy at a party you can let her know that you will not put up with that in the future, and then find out what why she did it and what may be missing in the relationship.

I've rambled on for long enough. Best of luck to you!

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Hmm you realise the sex with her would have died away to nothing without this incident ?
That alone should make you rethink the relationship .

On the other thing i doubt you will get over it move on.

[GiftBringer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GiftBringer]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. For taking your time to share your view on my situation. @ TheGreatDivider and others - this was exactly the information I needed. Forgot to mention that she said she wishes she could take it back cause she has always wanted my kids and to marry me. So it's pretty much just my feelings about being able to get over this and clear those pics imprinted in my minds eye. I will process all of this info and re-read everything a few times.

I'll learn from my mistakes and share my opinion when others like myself might need it.

See you in the forums for sure.

[GiftBringer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GiftBringer]

True Pegasus. We have had a few chats about our sex life. She is level 1000 on the emotion scale. I agreed with her that I wasn't always the most comforting and never really managed that emotional cloud that hung over us. She said she found it difficult to have sex during the weeks we had a fight which meant I'd be frustrated cause of no sex so I couldn't clear that emotional trouble in her. We have since from both sides gained perspective and kind of know which steps to take to make it work.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Sigh she has you blaming yourself for her lack of libido ,she is pushing you further into submissive. You will not have an ongoing sctive sex life with this girl regardless of what you do. While i don't regard what she did as cheating she will cheat .

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

None of us are perfect, we are human and have our faults. If you truly love her (and I believe you do) then you need to get past this. You kind of forced the results by breaking up. She should be praised for realizing what she has and coming back to you. Understand what you have, don't let that slip away. Don't miss out on what could have been. The ball is in your court.

[GiftBringer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GiftBringer]

I did blame myself for awhile but then got over it. Smashing gym and PE exercises since I found out as I needed to feel good about myself and that I do. I know I'm the man. Are you saying women are more likely to cheat when the guy is submissive? Pegasus. I'll definitely be checking out some topics on being alpha and might even start a new thread 'not comfortable with being alpha'. I guess I'm the type of guy that doesn't care about the the ego side of things. Girls kinda always found me mysterious cause I just never gave a shit. Was good for me but I wasn't trying to be alpha.
Thanks TheZzMan. I believe our relationship is worth it. Everything is great and we are each other's best friends. And I believe life gives us challenges to learn from. Why not have the ultimate challenge at age 28 and say we made it through that. Relationship made of steel if she can make it work.

[GiftBringer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GiftBringer]

Sorry if WE can make it work.