What would you do?

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Wanted to hear you guy's view points on this.

Been with this girl a month and a half and I really like her. There have been no trust issues or other problems. It's really been great. The other night I was at the bar playing pool and chilling and she left early not feeling well. A girl that I've slept with twice before I met her wanted to go home with me. She's a really nice girl and no complaints, we causally talk on snap chat almost daily and she's a good friend. I told her that I could drop her off at her place because I needed to take my pool buddy home also. She was like, "You're not getting what I'm saying..." I ignored the comment and offered to take her home again and she went with us. Shortly after the messaged me and said, "I totally was going to go home with you." I finally said, "I know but I'm with someone else right now." She was fine with that and understood.

I really felt good about myself. It's the first time I've ever turned down an opportunity and I proved to myself my commitment to the person I'm with. Now I'm contemplating whether or not to tell her about what happened. Part of me wants to just to show her my level of commitment and strengthen trust. I did the right thing, after all. But another part of me worries if this will somehow back fire.

First, I've never told her that I've slept with this girl (I don't think it's good to share past women, it's in the past anyways). Second, she knows that me and her are friends and snap chat. I know I can handle myself and not cross any lines and I'd hate to risk tension over the friendship. Now my girl is very cool about things and has said multiple times that having fun at the bar is fine, just know who you come home to. Basically have fun just don't screw.

I personally am leaning to just not say anything, no need to toot my horn to her. After all, it's a matter of integrity, not character. What do you guys think? What would you do?

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

Being devoted to one person is an honorable thing to do. You prove it in so many other ways that it would seem self-serving if you tooted your own horn and tell her that others are hitting on you. Give her no reason to doubt your devotion. Show her in all the other ways that you are the guy for her and she doesn't have to worry about you wandering. It is a huge ego boost to both that you have confidence that they are with you only and there is no competition. And it is a two way street, you need to believe she is the same way. I would let it slide without mentioning and make sure the other gal understands that you are taken at the moment.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Being devoted to one person is an honorable thing to do. You prove it in so many other ways that it would seem self-serving if you tooted your own horn and tell her that others are hitting on you. Give her no reason to doubt your devotion. Show her in all the other ways that you are the guy for her and she doesn't have to worry about you wandering. It is a huge ego boost to both that you have confidence that they are with you only and there is no competition. And it is a two way street, you need to believe she is the same way. I would let it slide without mentioning and make sure the other gal understands that you are taken at the moment.

Wow, there's a lot of wisdom in that. I agree with your points. The other girl is awesome enough to know I'm off limits right now and cool enough to still chat and carry on as usual. I was worried about awkwardness and it was killing me on the inside to turn her down, not because I was passing up an opportunity but because I hate making anyone feel rejected or any other negative feelings. My relationships and friendships have always been about lifting people up and i knew this was gonna hurt her telling this. But ultimately I'm committed to my girl and that took precedence.

Too your point again, often times when we act self-servingly, life has a way of turning it around to humble us.

[TheZZWoman Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZWoman]

Personally, I would prefer not to know. I would rather just trust that you wouldn't betray my trust if that is what we agreed. No girl wants to know about other girls hitting on you and it would make it awkward if all three of you see each other out.

If you still want to keep your friendship with the other girl because as you say she is a friend and you trust yourself around her, then you don't want your current girlfriend worried about her. Besides, your friend said she was cool with it and doesn't sound like she will keep hitting on you while you are in a relationship.

I commend you for sticking with your promise and am happy you found someone you want to be faithful and honest with.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

You don't need to say anything to this new girl, because you didn't do anything wrong and if you tell her it will hurt her. Even if you mean the best she will be upset and start to think that women are approaching you for sex every time she leaves you.

Here's what you do:

1. Unfriend the girl you banged on Snapchat.
You don't need that temptation right now, and you don't need to communicate with her on an app known for helping cheaters cheat. But you can always add her later of things don't work out.

2. Stay away from that bar or anywhere else she might be.
This should go without explaining, but you don't want her to see you with your new girl because she will get jealous and try to get with you like she did this time. And the last thing you want is for your ex FWB and your new girlfriend to start talking. It's a nightmare, trust me.

3. Don't confess to any crimes you weren't accused of.
While you're still getting a feel for this relationship it's natural to want to tell her everything but don't. She doesn't need to know about who you banged before her or what you do with your penis, just that you're not sleeping with other people and you're not carrying want STDs. You can talk about your sexual past more in detail with her later, like after six months or so.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Thank you for that. Unfortunately I broke trust in my previous marriage and after 8 years, it never recovered. That was a very difficult and costly lesson to learn. I know first hand how valuable trust is and it's precedence in a relationship. I don't want to make the same mistake again. It's a very slippery slope once you begin to compromise and there's no true second chances. That is one motivating factor, plus I am really happy with this girl and honestly have no desire for anyone else.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

You don't need to say anything to this new girl, because you didn't do anything wrong and if you tell her it will hurt her. Even if you mean the best she will be upset and start to think that women are approaching you for sex every time she leaves you.

Here's what you do:

1. Unfriend the girl you banged on Snapchat.
You don't need that temptation right now, and you don't need to communicate with her on an app known for helping cheaters cheat. But you can always add her later of things don't work out.

2. Stay away from that bar or anywhere else she might be.
This should go without explaining, but you don't want her to see you with your new girl because she will get jealous and try to get with you like she did this time. And the last thing you want is for your ex FWB and your new girlfriend to start talking. It's a nightmare, trust me.

3. Don't confess to any crimes you weren't accused of.
While you're still getting a feel for this relationship it's natural to want to tell her everything but don't. She doesn't need to know about who you banged before her or what you do with your penis, just that you're not sleeping with other people and you're not carrying want STDs. You can talk about your sexual past more in detail with her later, like after six months or so.

You made some good points. The first one is something I contemplated but I don't like cutting people out. I'm sure the only reason she offered was because she was oblivious to the fact that I was seeing someone else. At the bars we usually only say hi to each other. We don't carry on conversations or hang with each other. We were very causal and private. She also bar hops so it would be impossible to avoid her and the main reason I go is to shoot pool with one of my best friends. And I agree with point 3. There's no need to air laundry, everyone has a past, they weren't part of it. All that matters is the present. Unless there is something that can impact them directly like a psycho ex or stds and such.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

If you're only saying hi to her every once in a while then you're not really friends. You're acquaintances that banged a few times and nothing more. So cutting her out of your life, even temporarily while you're in this relationship is not r wloy going to affect you. It's not like you're cutting your best friend from childhood out of your life, this is just a FWB you're cyber stalking through Snapchat and greeting every now and again at bars.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Lol this is gonna make me sound like a loser but i don't have any life long friends, symptom of a controlling marriage. All my "friends" I have met in the last 9 months lol. And there's only about 6. My best friend pool buddy only hangs with me every other weekend and it's only one night at that. But the friends in do have are as good as gold. People I could count on and trust.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

Having friends who are of the other gender should not be the issue. Understanding the boundaries will allow you to fraternize with both male and female friends while in a relationship. I have a ton of friends that are female and they are also friends of my wife's. There is no sexual tension and we carry on like normal functioning adults. Why do some people feel that having a friendship with a person of the opposite sex while in a relationship is wrong?

I think that Burrito has demonstrated the utmost respect for both his girlfriend and his lady friend. To that I give him kudo's.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Lol this is gonna make me sound like a loser but i don't have any life long friends, symptom of a controlling marriage. All my "friends" I have met in the last 9 months lol. And there's only about 6. My best friend pool buddy only hangs with me every other weekend and it's only one night at that. But the friends in do have are as good as gold. People I could count on and trust.

Dude, same. But having friends is not the issue here, it's having that one female friend you used to sleep with not too long ago that doesn't know you're in a relationship. Having her on your Snapchat is just asking for trouble. You don't have to cut her out of your life if all you're doing is saying hi to her at the bar but you really shouldn't have her on your phone. There aren't any good circumstancese where you are going to need to talk to her and then have that evidence erased from your phone forever.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

I see where you are coming from. Maybe snap chat set off all the red flags. I use it for the privacy, not that I have anything to hide but I like privacy. This site and snap chat is the only social media I do. I don't have Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, nothing. The conversations with all my friends except my girlfriend are short and casual. You post a pic that's funny, I tell you that it's funny, you tell me something bad happened, I say dang that sucks. It's just a convenient way to be a part of someone's life when you can't be there in person. No motive except to just not feel isolated and alone lol.

I agree that it can be used for ill purposes and for some, there's a bad taste left from experiences. A perk to snap chat is I know when someone's opened a message or not so I'm not wondering if I'm being ignored or whatever lol. I wish every messaging service worked that way!

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

Must be a generational thing, because i value every friendship I have and make sure I let them know that I am available if they have a bump in their lives. I am a good friend on all accounts. Don't give a rats ass about snapchat or any of those social media platforms. I want a live person to interact with one on one, not through social media. I would find it sad to not interact with one of my female friends because of some unwritten social media rule. Steer clear, make your friends real, talk live to them and make them a part of your life.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Must be a generational thing, because i value every friendship I have and make sure I let them know that I am available if they have a bump in their lives. I am a good friend on all accounts. Don't give a rats ass about snapchat or any of those social media platforms. I want a live person to interact with one on one, not through social media. I would find it sad to not interact with one of my female friends because of some unwritten social media rule. Steer clear, make your friends real, talk live to them and make them a part of your life.

It is a generational thing with most Millennials. We don't stay friends with casual acquaintances, coworkers, or hookups, because there's not really anything there. And I'm more of a X'er when it comes to social media and friendship, I don't believe in having fake friends IRL or online, but a lot of them do and it's just a painful as breaking up to lose a friend who can just up and cut you out of their life like it is nothing.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

It is a generational thing with most Millennials. We don't stay friends with casual acquaintances, coworkers, or hookups, because there's not really anything there. And I'm more of a X'er when it comes to social media and friendship, I don't believe in having fake friends IRL or online, but a lot of them do and it's just a painful as breaking up to lose a friend who can just up and cut you out of their life like it is nothing.

A lot of superficial stuff that you talk about here. I cherish my friends both male and female. Maybe you need to break the mold and move forward. Would be a move toward cohesion instead of exclusion. Personally, would never turn down a friendship because of gender. Life is too short to not have friends from both side of the aisle. Soon enough you will learn this. Like all others in the cocoon of academia, when studies are done, there is a whole different world out there to explore.