Tell her or dont?

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

My gf and i are on a break on my initiative. Several reasons for the break/break up.. sh not participating and beeing amicable enough with my kids, feeling that we are not a proper team really. And feeling kinda taken for granted (boohoo right? :-)) not enough sex, once a week does not cut it for me. I have mastrubated my way through one marriage allready and do not want to go down that road again. we have been off for about three weeks. In the meantime i have slept with a couple of girls. No dreamwoman material there. But something to fill the void.

We are to meet tonight to talk things over. And i have a feeling that she wants us to be a couple again.

She does know me well and its lightly that she will ask if i have met anyone in the time we have been apart.

I really love her personallity and her kids.(almost missing them as much as i miss her.) and in many ways we are soulmate material but i’m Fed up with rejections. I have pretty high libido and want to do a lot of experimenting sexually. She is on the other hand pretty conservative in the bedroom. I do not want any sympathy sex or «genourosity» from her. It is a real turnoff for me. If i feel her lacking lust. I dont Get turned on either. There is also some other stuff but i dont want to mention it all here.

Should i tell her about my escapades?

Any other advice is also welcome.

[WillGetBetter Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close WillGetBetter]

A couple thoughts:
1. Is she really not amicable with your kids? Does she treat them very differently than her own? Of course, she will love her own kids more and likely show them more affection, but when she has to parent your kids is it similar to the way she treats her own kids? It seems like a big issue that you'd like to work out before re-committing to a relationship.
2. I have heard of women who have wanted more sex over time, but at least from the people I know in my life, I think that's rare. Sometimes that lack of sexual expression is caused by what her home life was like when she was a kid or by other sexual experiences she's had in her life. Those can be improved through a lot of work with a therapist (or on her own if she was committed and motivated to change). But, it could also just be the result of her own body chemistry. I once had a physical issue that required surgery. During the time I didn't know I had a problem, I went through a 2 month period where I didn't want any sex. I truly felt like if I never had sex again, I would be fine with that. It was so strange because normally I want sex every day or every other day. My wife, who wants sex once a week, was even getting worried about me. After I had surgery, I went back to my normal self, thankfully. But, what that experience taught me is what it feels like to really not want sex. I understood what it was like to have sex even though you didn't want to. It sucked. If you aren't a good fit sexually, I'm not sure you can count on that changing.
3. About the upcoming question about sex... that's a tough one. From everything I've read on this forum, I haven't seen any examples of people talking about sex with past partners that has gone well. Usually, that conversation gets run over and over in a person's brain. They feel hurt, jealous, etc. I'm sure there are some couples that talk about sex with past partners in a healthy way - and neither gets jealous or uses those thoughts to feel bad about themselves. What type of women is she? Is she going to use that information as a sign that you don't really love her?

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Ah man! Awsome reply!

1. We dont live together. And her kids are 15 and 19 mine is 6,9 and 10. (50:50 with ex wife.) I always go out of my way to Connect with her daughters Learning the youngbest to drive and hang out with the 19th year old and really enjoy their company. She is not unfriendly with my kids really. But i feel she is keeping them on a arms length. Hard to explain.. she does not interact, goof around (witch i know she is very capable of) or try to charm them to like her. This is very important to me as their wellbeeing equals my Wellbeeing. I really want them to adore my gf. Allthough my boys can be a bit hard to get i know that. Nevertheless i miss the effort.

2. You are right on the money with your assumption and your personal referance. She does have some physical challenges. I think its called fibromylgia or something. Dont know the correct english Word for it. It seems to be a chronic thing and i dont see an end to it in the near future. I too have experienced the not wanting sex state. And yeah it sucks, thats why i do not want her to sleep with me just to «be nice» its like a self-rape. And i would hate if she did that. Hence she does very seldom take the inititaive. And having a pretty high sexdrive.. i know i’m Going to end up cheating on her just to Get sex. No matter how much i love her.

3. She is not very jealus very little jealus in fact. Allthough i know she will be hurt. Because i imidiatly slept with another girl. Just a couple of days later. She would Get hurt in a emotianal way and Get sad. So mer the classic jealusy reaction. I totally did this just to have sex and to Get a poor replacement for her. But woman do think differently about this stuff and i am not sure how i would react either. (I’m a tad more jealus than she is)

Allthough she deserves the honesty and i do not know witch way this is going to go. I do not want to see her sad. And i dont see any reason to tell her. But its difficult to straight up lie to her and i feel she deserves better than lies. A bit torn here.. (and feeling wierdly soft all of a sudden!)

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Be honest. The truth finds its way out eventually anyways. It's better to lay it all out and tell her like you told us. Take it as a sign. If she says Goodbye, it was meat to be. If she stays, it was meant to be. She needs to know why you are unhappy. Do this for you. Don't settle for less than what you want in life. I'm in a similar situation with what I want. I can relate.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

I ment to write «So NOT the classic jealusy reaction» damn cellphone!

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Be honest. The truth finds its way out eventually anyways. It's better to lay it all out and tell her like you told us. Take it as a sign. If she says Goodbye, it was meat to be. If she stays, it was meant to be. She needs to know why you are unhappy. Do this for you. Don't settle for less than what you want in life. I'm in a similar situation with what I want. I can relate.

Yes, but you think its necessary to make her sad. If she does not have to be?(if i dont tell her)

Hmmm.. if im lucky she just understand that it probably happend and does not ask.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Wanna risk a land mine that could go off at any time. What if things go great between the two of you, best yet, and someway and somehow she learns of this. Imagine the consequences. Is it worth taking such a risk? Don't think about what's convenient for just right now, gotta think long term and big picture.

[Mike99027 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Mike99027]

I'm not the age of most of the members here so my 2 cents here may not be the best but had it been me I would be honest about it but I would do it with a rule, if she asks I would tell her, if she doesn't ask I wouldn't because if she doesn't ask she probably knows it's possible you have slept with someone and she would rather just not know for sure, women seem to do this sometimes and just choose to not ask certain stuff that they feel may get an upsetting answer for and as we all know sex with someone else be it cheating or while on a break is just a very sensitive matter so yeah, if she doesn't ask I wouldn't tell.

About her not being sexually active enough for you, again many women seem to have this mindset, it's probably a past thing being a woman because by all means we men can sometimes make sex seem less natural than it really is and women are always judged based on how often they have sex and with how many and so most women become conservative with time or they become conservative after some unfortunate relationship in the past, I'm not sure how long you've been together but I think the best course of action is to project sex to her as a natural and healthy thing, maybe openly discuss and try to understand why she doesn't seem to want it as much, it could be natural low libido which some exercises or practices such as searching for a trigger and a fantasy may boost, it could be stress and being unhappy about life in general which is something that needs really hard work together to fix, and it could be past trauma that can be mentally worked on, all I know is communication is the key and trust is the door.

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

Dont tell her!! You were on a break! (If you have ever watched friends, you'll get that).

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

Norway. I think you knew it’s over before you started this thread. If you two aren’t close to the same page in the sack, it’s over. She doesn’t have an on switch. She may fake it for awhile, but in the end, same old crap.

[bigplayre Senior Member Member of the Month June 2019 Find all posts View Profile Close bigplayre]

Honesty is the best way, this is the hard thing about life. Alot of times you face the right thing to do and the thing you want to do. It would be easy to lie to her and tell her that you haven't slept with anyone and try to for lack of better term "weasel" your way back into the relationship being sneaky and trying to get her to sexually please you. Or you can confidently tell her you did and you aren't being sexually fulfilled in the relationship and that you understand you're worth more than that. If she agrees and puts more effort for you than you win, but if she doesn't then u also win because you steer clear of a unsatisfying relationship where your needs aren't being met.

[donkeehote Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close donkeehote]

Assuming you are going to be a couple, if she asks...be honest without going into details. She has a right to know

If she doesnt ask, I wouldnt volunteer the information.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Ok, i met her last night. We met on a bit different mindset. She wanted to talk about how to fix things and i wanted to express why i did not want to go on and to talk it through and end it on good terms.

The time came when she asked if i had met anyone. And i told her that i had a couple of dates. When she asked if i had sex i told her. «Not today :-P» she totally understood and was not upset at all. She said she expected that and that it almost turned her on a bit.. what a wierd girl.

The rest of the time we spoke about our differences and the kids and so on. She did not pull the «i can change!» card witch was a relief. I hate when girls say that. Its very naive if not stupid. But she said that she hav never been to great with kids and needed guidance in the area.. fair enough but strange coming from a girl i think.

About the sex frequency and stuff she said that it was mainly a cause of just having pain in her joints or something and that the overall sexdrive was low. She could not promise to change this. But i was sooo sexy and yaddayaddayadda.. This is the biggest dealbreaker for me. As i dont see a solution.

She told me that she did not care if i kept dating and that i probably needed that. But she wanted to be the one i came home to and to be the one i love. And that we have a special cinnection and relationship. And that she wanted us to be in eachothers life for a long time to come. There was no trace of victimasation, martyrism, or dishonesty as far as i could tell..

So we went to her place and had really good sex. Female strategy yes i see that.

Now i have very mixed Feelings. I feel kinda bad if i run around fuck other girls and living a bachelor life. While have this (in part) great girl just waiting for me. It just does not seem right or fair.

I would not be so calm about her seeing other guys. She said she had absolutely no need for it either and was fully content with some flirting when going out but had all she needed in me. Man my ego almost orgasmed.

Feels like a sweet spot at the moment but finding it hard to believe that this will be a good long term solution. Allthough i feel really loved and i know i love her to. But... i struggle to see a happy ending of this story.

Sorry if this is a messy post and thank you guys again for all your great advice!!

[CrouchetyOldMan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close CrouchetyOldMan]

My 2 cents bases on the fact that you are communicating - always a good thing:

Go ALL in for a few months: It's like a job - if you or your mate do 4 hours a day half ass'd - someones getting fired..

If she has Fibromyalgia - Most of her joints are going to hurt - often - if you want to crack her code on this it will take quite a bit of research and experimentation on 'when does she feel at her best'. Can you come up with the same recipes like you see in this forum for PE - that you can find for her in a fibro forum. (example: PE mix - Drop the 3 cups of coffee and try = Green Tea and or Garlic / Olive Oil / Turmeric, Tomato Paste , CP for 3 months) you could find a 'solution' like this for joint pain. Then you can figure out her schedule and maybe increase the sexual iterations by causing windows of opportunity. A heroes reward.

Other peoples children - Its a touchy subject: Nobody knows how much is too little or even worse too much: If she is willing to 'learn' the level of interaction you want -that's a great thing.

Give gratitude for the sweet spot - and see if more appear.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

My 2 cents bases on the fact that you are communicating - always a good thing:

Go ALL in for a few months: It's like a job - if you or your mate do 4 hours a day half ass'd - someones getting fired..

If she has Fibromyalgia - Most of her joints are going to hurt - often - if you want to crack her code on this it will take quite a bit of research and experimentation on 'when does she feel at her best'. Can you come up with the same recipes like you see in this forum for PE - that you can find for her in a fibro forum. (example: PE mix - Drop the 3 cups of coffee and try = Green Tea and or Garlic / Olive Oil / Turmeric, Tomato Paste , CP for 3 months) you could find a 'solution' like this for joint pain. Then you can figure out her schedule and maybe increase the sexual iterations by causing windows of opportunity. A heroes reward.

Other peoples children - Its a touchy subject: Nobody knows how much is too little or even worse too much: If she is willing to 'learn' the level of interaction you want -that's a great thing.

Give gratitude for the sweet spot - and see if more appear.

Great advice, you seem like a very good person. I have a similar thought pattern as you. I would really like to fix this fibro thing. But i dont have it in me anymore. I have played nurse in a previous relationship and its not a greatful task. forgive me my selfishness.

She have to fix it herself..

These days it might seem easier to continue swiping through tinder with a list of demands allthough i know it will not turn out the way one thinks. The gold is not easy to find and they usually have high standards themselves. Its all based on superfiscial criterias, as we all know.

But i will follow your advice, enjoy the sweet spot and see where it leads me. Life is like a box of chocholate etc.