This is a heartbreak post and I'm going to do my very best to paint this story to you as best I can. I'm a 22 year old college student and just had sex with my ex of 3-4 years and I miss her terribly. Before I get into how I feel currently, I think it's important for me to give you all as much insight as possible so you can get a picture of my current mental state and the situation at hand.
The beginning years of adulthood are some of the most important years in any person's development. These are typically the years in which a massive amount of growth and development happens to a person and they develop into the type of adult they are going to be for the rest of their lives. It was the start of Summer 2015 and I was 18 and she was 16. I attended a family member's graduation which was about 6 hours away from home. I remember it like yesterday, I was sitting there with my family members and I saw this absolutely beautiful girl that I couldn't take my eyes off of (We will call her Amy from here on out). I had this weird feeling within me as if some other force pushed me to go talk to her and make sure I don't let the opportunity slip away. I remember feeling an INSTANT connection with her from the moment we started talking. There was no awkwardness or anything of that sort. Our conversation was very refreshing, very fun, and felt effortless. When the graduation came to an end, I remember being rushed out to leave and barely got the chance to say bye to her. Fast forward a few days later, she got my number from one of my family members that live in that city. I remember when we first started talking it was just texting eachother every other day or so. I would feel so excited at the thought of talking to her, and would feel an instant rush when I would check my phone and see a message from her. The texting turned into a daily thing, then it turned into phone calls. We would talk on the phone for hours on end. We ended up getting to a point where we were so connected with eachother that I knew where she was and what she was doing at all times of the day and vice versa.
None of us admitted it or outwardly showed it, but we obviously really liked eachother. This went on all the way up until January 2016, when I went to visit my family members that live 6 hours away from me. I met up with her, and I confessed the fact that I liked her and she said the same, but would have never had the courage to come out with it if I didn't say it first. We finally became a relationship! It was the happiest moment of my life. We were both absolutely head over heels. We didn't have a day without talking to eachother. We spoke to eachother consistently and I remember how many fights she would get into with me whenever my phone would die and I wouldn't get home or reply to her until the next day. Innocent things, no big deal. She made time to come down to where I live and visit me and I did the same. I remember all the attention I would get from other girls all throughout, but was so in love and so committed that I would completely throw it all away in disgust. I remember really believing that this is the woman of my dreams and the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with 100%.
The next few years we had our fair share of ups and downs like any relationship does. I was her first and only sexual experience and she was mine. I ended up moving close to her for college and so we could finally have a relationship where we aren't long term around mid 2017. Things started to take a big turn over the next few years. I noticed how much effort I was putting into the relationship, how much time I spent on fulfilling her needs and making sure she's content that I completely ignored myself and my own fulfillment. I started to feel trapped and hopeless, but kept thinking that she would appreciate it and love me more if I kept giving her more of myself. I remember how jealous she was and how she wouldn't let me talk to any girls or interact with them at all. I was never a controlling person, or a jealous person but I guess it rubbed off on me from her. Over time, it became as if I was more like a parent to her rather than a boyfriend. I took care of her financially, academically, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, the effort was just not there on her part. I was blind for so long and didn't want to accept that truth and when I would address it she would just avoid the conversation or give me beautiful lies that I kept believing.
Around the end of 2017 I was using her macbook and her imessage is linked to her laptop so I found her sexting another guy. I felt my heart drop into my stomach and those really uneasy nervous butterflies. I ended up crying and when she came home I addressed the issue. She seemed really frustrated and tried to explain how that number isn't even someone she knows and her friend "Maya" at work gave Amy's number to a guy that asked Maya for her number. Then she showed me the texts with her and Maya basically "playing" this guy and just doing that for fun. Regardless, I'm still to this day not 100% sure and would say that she did cheat on me to be honest. At the time, I remember trying to break up with her and she went on sobbing and threatening suicide if I left her and she once took a bottle of pills ran to the bathroom and locked it because I said I'm leaving her. Then she came out and the bottle was empty and told me she swallowed them all, but I don't know if that's true considering how manipulative she was throughout the relationship.
I stayed with her THROUGH ALL OF THAT SHIT! I still thought that we could come back, her jealousy rubbed off on me and after the cheating thing I never had the same trust again. She started having guys follow her on instagram and I wasn't ok with that considering how she never let me talk to any girls. Then she started posting photos of herself showing her body on instagram which made me feel very jealous and angry. When I would have enough she would promise me to delete them all and delete her instagram. She would do that for a little while, then once the coast was clear go back to doing the same shit. Then blame me for being "too controlling". I went through a very tough phase in my life last year, where I had clinical depression and was failing in school and in many other areas of my life. She wasn't all that supportive of me during that time, it was more like she was doing her own thing and didn't really mind. I became extremely anti-social, my anxiety reached heights it never had before, and my depression the same. Ever since I moved out here for school I didn't really make any new friends or anything because I was so restricted by her all this time. Last year I fell into a drinking/partying loop of destruction with one of my cousins that live out here. I was so depressed I would cope with alcohol, MDMA, marijuana, and parties to get away from my problems. This was all behind her back, I still stayed very loyal and didn't really have sex with other girls until the very end of 2018. I started to feel really shitty and wasn't even sexually satisfied in my relationship anymore. Anytime she would feel horny we would have sex, but if I ever felt that way she wouldn't be in the mood or wouldn't even care. It got to the point where she would make me feel guilty and bad for even trying to have sex with her. I fucked a few girls, but it didn't feel good and they thought I was single and tried to get with me. It didn't have that passionate vibe to it like it did with my girlfriend because I loved her.
Around the start of this year, the same shit was popping up with my girlfriend. She was doing her instagram stuff that pissed me off, the lack of effort in our relationship reached an ALL-TIME RIDICULOUS LOW with her and I feel pathetic at the fact that this is what it took for me to get out of being with her. I ended up telling her I'm leaving and this time I didn't let anything she threatened me with to have an effect on my decision. She ended up begging me not to leave and dropped down to my feet and I stuck to my guns and left anyways. I went no contact with her and started dating some stripper I met at the parties I would go to and she was always trying to fuck me nonstop, and always doing ALL the things that I wanted Amy to do in our relationship. However, it didn't matter to me...I was emotionally unavailable and I didn't really care about her. I ended up breaking things off just to focus on my own life and get my shit together and I started to feel alright day by day. Then my ex started slowly texting me, I would try to give her the least bit of my time/effort through my texts, but she kept doing it. Slowly trying to wrap me around like an anaconda.
Recently, we became pretty good friends and I got excited about talking to her and wanted to see her and such. I fucked up, a few weeks ago I went to her and poured my heart out to her and tried to kiss her and she just backed off from me and made me feel like a fucking dumbass. I started to believe that she has changed, and that we could be together considering how well things were going when we would talk. Just a few days ago I had some really fine girls follow me on instagram and she got REALLY jealous, because she messaged me very angrily giving attitude but never told me what it was for. Then, the next day she asked me to come have sex with her and me being a dumb horny guy says yes. We ended up fucking and just laying naked with eachother for hours and talking. She told me she doesn't have any feelings for me the way she once did, not in a romantic way. But, she doesn't want to lose me and wants me to be her friend. She also told me she gets extremely jealous when she thinks about other girls being with me. I ended up telling her how I felt and how I wanted to be with her so badly and tried so hard, but she made it sound as if the relationship was all bad because of me when she's clearly the one at fault. Yes, I did become controlling and jealous over time, but I still constantly took care of her. It was me putting in 99% of the effort in the relationship. Now I feel very shitty and depressed and I miss her even MORE than I did. Just now I saw her post a super revealing photo on her instagram and comment on some guys post with something flirty. It feels really shitty, I feel like she's playing with my heart and ok with it. I feel broken, I feel stressed, I feel depressed. For the past few months everytime I watch any movie with even a slightly emotional scene I want to breakdown in tears because of how much I've bottled inside of me.
I'm just looking for some advice here, she was my first love and the person that I put my heart and soul out on the line for. I remember doing EVERY SINGLE THING that a man can do for a girl in order to keep her happy. I remember being the PERFECT boyfriend and not feeling like I was ever enough. She fucked with my head so hard, I have severely low self-esteem, but if you saw me in person you would never guess it. I'm a tall, athletic, and goodlooking guy (that's what many girls have told me). But, I just feel trapped in my head. I can't talk to another girl for the life of me, I feel like she trained me to be a slave for her and I let her do it to me. I just need help...I know it's a long story and I'm really fucked up in all sorts of ways. But, even the slightest word of advice would be greatly appreciated from you guys. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
The beginning years of adulthood are some of the most important years in any person's development. These are typically the years in which a massive amount of growth and development happens to a person and they develop into the type of adult they are going to be for the rest of their lives. It was the start of Summer 2015 and I was 18 and she was 16. I attended a family member's graduation which was about 6 hours away from home. I remember it like yesterday, I was sitting there with my family members and I saw this absolutely beautiful girl that I couldn't take my eyes off of (We will call her Amy from here on out). I had this weird feeling within me as if some other force pushed me to go talk to her and make sure I don't let the opportunity slip away. I remember feeling an INSTANT connection with her from the moment we started talking. There was no awkwardness or anything of that sort. Our conversation was very refreshing, very fun, and felt effortless. When the graduation came to an end, I remember being rushed out to leave and barely got the chance to say bye to her. Fast forward a few days later, she got my number from one of my family members that live in that city. I remember when we first started talking it was just texting eachother every other day or so. I would feel so excited at the thought of talking to her, and would feel an instant rush when I would check my phone and see a message from her. The texting turned into a daily thing, then it turned into phone calls. We would talk on the phone for hours on end. We ended up getting to a point where we were so connected with eachother that I knew where she was and what she was doing at all times of the day and vice versa.
None of us admitted it or outwardly showed it, but we obviously really liked eachother. This went on all the way up until January 2016, when I went to visit my family members that live 6 hours away from me. I met up with her, and I confessed the fact that I liked her and she said the same, but would have never had the courage to come out with it if I didn't say it first. We finally became a relationship! It was the happiest moment of my life. We were both absolutely head over heels. We didn't have a day without talking to eachother. We spoke to eachother consistently and I remember how many fights she would get into with me whenever my phone would die and I wouldn't get home or reply to her until the next day. Innocent things, no big deal. She made time to come down to where I live and visit me and I did the same. I remember all the attention I would get from other girls all throughout, but was so in love and so committed that I would completely throw it all away in disgust. I remember really believing that this is the woman of my dreams and the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with 100%.
The next few years we had our fair share of ups and downs like any relationship does. I was her first and only sexual experience and she was mine. I ended up moving close to her for college and so we could finally have a relationship where we aren't long term around mid 2017. Things started to take a big turn over the next few years. I noticed how much effort I was putting into the relationship, how much time I spent on fulfilling her needs and making sure she's content that I completely ignored myself and my own fulfillment. I started to feel trapped and hopeless, but kept thinking that she would appreciate it and love me more if I kept giving her more of myself. I remember how jealous she was and how she wouldn't let me talk to any girls or interact with them at all. I was never a controlling person, or a jealous person but I guess it rubbed off on me from her. Over time, it became as if I was more like a parent to her rather than a boyfriend. I took care of her financially, academically, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, the effort was just not there on her part. I was blind for so long and didn't want to accept that truth and when I would address it she would just avoid the conversation or give me beautiful lies that I kept believing.
Around the end of 2017 I was using her macbook and her imessage is linked to her laptop so I found her sexting another guy. I felt my heart drop into my stomach and those really uneasy nervous butterflies. I ended up crying and when she came home I addressed the issue. She seemed really frustrated and tried to explain how that number isn't even someone she knows and her friend "Maya" at work gave Amy's number to a guy that asked Maya for her number. Then she showed me the texts with her and Maya basically "playing" this guy and just doing that for fun. Regardless, I'm still to this day not 100% sure and would say that she did cheat on me to be honest. At the time, I remember trying to break up with her and she went on sobbing and threatening suicide if I left her and she once took a bottle of pills ran to the bathroom and locked it because I said I'm leaving her. Then she came out and the bottle was empty and told me she swallowed them all, but I don't know if that's true considering how manipulative she was throughout the relationship.
I stayed with her THROUGH ALL OF THAT SHIT! I still thought that we could come back, her jealousy rubbed off on me and after the cheating thing I never had the same trust again. She started having guys follow her on instagram and I wasn't ok with that considering how she never let me talk to any girls. Then she started posting photos of herself showing her body on instagram which made me feel very jealous and angry. When I would have enough she would promise me to delete them all and delete her instagram. She would do that for a little while, then once the coast was clear go back to doing the same shit. Then blame me for being "too controlling". I went through a very tough phase in my life last year, where I had clinical depression and was failing in school and in many other areas of my life. She wasn't all that supportive of me during that time, it was more like she was doing her own thing and didn't really mind. I became extremely anti-social, my anxiety reached heights it never had before, and my depression the same. Ever since I moved out here for school I didn't really make any new friends or anything because I was so restricted by her all this time. Last year I fell into a drinking/partying loop of destruction with one of my cousins that live out here. I was so depressed I would cope with alcohol, MDMA, marijuana, and parties to get away from my problems. This was all behind her back, I still stayed very loyal and didn't really have sex with other girls until the very end of 2018. I started to feel really shitty and wasn't even sexually satisfied in my relationship anymore. Anytime she would feel horny we would have sex, but if I ever felt that way she wouldn't be in the mood or wouldn't even care. It got to the point where she would make me feel guilty and bad for even trying to have sex with her. I fucked a few girls, but it didn't feel good and they thought I was single and tried to get with me. It didn't have that passionate vibe to it like it did with my girlfriend because I loved her.
Around the start of this year, the same shit was popping up with my girlfriend. She was doing her instagram stuff that pissed me off, the lack of effort in our relationship reached an ALL-TIME RIDICULOUS LOW with her and I feel pathetic at the fact that this is what it took for me to get out of being with her. I ended up telling her I'm leaving and this time I didn't let anything she threatened me with to have an effect on my decision. She ended up begging me not to leave and dropped down to my feet and I stuck to my guns and left anyways. I went no contact with her and started dating some stripper I met at the parties I would go to and she was always trying to fuck me nonstop, and always doing ALL the things that I wanted Amy to do in our relationship. However, it didn't matter to me...I was emotionally unavailable and I didn't really care about her. I ended up breaking things off just to focus on my own life and get my shit together and I started to feel alright day by day. Then my ex started slowly texting me, I would try to give her the least bit of my time/effort through my texts, but she kept doing it. Slowly trying to wrap me around like an anaconda.
Recently, we became pretty good friends and I got excited about talking to her and wanted to see her and such. I fucked up, a few weeks ago I went to her and poured my heart out to her and tried to kiss her and she just backed off from me and made me feel like a fucking dumbass. I started to believe that she has changed, and that we could be together considering how well things were going when we would talk. Just a few days ago I had some really fine girls follow me on instagram and she got REALLY jealous, because she messaged me very angrily giving attitude but never told me what it was for. Then, the next day she asked me to come have sex with her and me being a dumb horny guy says yes. We ended up fucking and just laying naked with eachother for hours and talking. She told me she doesn't have any feelings for me the way she once did, not in a romantic way. But, she doesn't want to lose me and wants me to be her friend. She also told me she gets extremely jealous when she thinks about other girls being with me. I ended up telling her how I felt and how I wanted to be with her so badly and tried so hard, but she made it sound as if the relationship was all bad because of me when she's clearly the one at fault. Yes, I did become controlling and jealous over time, but I still constantly took care of her. It was me putting in 99% of the effort in the relationship. Now I feel very shitty and depressed and I miss her even MORE than I did. Just now I saw her post a super revealing photo on her instagram and comment on some guys post with something flirty. It feels really shitty, I feel like she's playing with my heart and ok with it. I feel broken, I feel stressed, I feel depressed. For the past few months everytime I watch any movie with even a slightly emotional scene I want to breakdown in tears because of how much I've bottled inside of me.
I'm just looking for some advice here, she was my first love and the person that I put my heart and soul out on the line for. I remember doing EVERY SINGLE THING that a man can do for a girl in order to keep her happy. I remember being the PERFECT boyfriend and not feeling like I was ever enough. She fucked with my head so hard, I have severely low self-esteem, but if you saw me in person you would never guess it. I'm a tall, athletic, and goodlooking guy (that's what many girls have told me). But, I just feel trapped in my head. I can't talk to another girl for the life of me, I feel like she trained me to be a slave for her and I let her do it to me. I just need help...I know it's a long story and I'm really fucked up in all sorts of ways. But, even the slightest word of advice would be greatly appreciated from you guys. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
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