Need advice!!

Firstly, I was with this girl a couple of years ago and I'll be the first to hold my hands up to the fact I was unfaithful, a major regret in my life. She's a few years younger than me (I'm 27 she's 21). We actually broke up due to me wanting to move abroad at the time, which I no longer want to do

We stayed very good friends throughout it. And got very close in recent months, we got back together in April.

I'm quite an independent person and was happy alone, but she brought me back around.

Now around 7 months ago, 3 months before getting back with her, I started having sexual difficulties (mild ED, PE, HF) and she couldn't be any more supportive. She even went as far as saying she'd stay with me even if we never had sex again. It's not that bad though, despite some failures we've had some good sex (and no pde5 drugs used, she won't let me).

However what is getting to me is the possessiveness and lack of trust. She hates any female friend I have. Hell, she even gets funny when I chill with my guy friends. She looks through my Facebook likes and grills me on literally every girl she sees who she doesn't know. And I mean really grills me. I recently had to cut off a female friend due to my GF being paranoid about her. When I call her out on this behaviour she just says "that's the way I am, I won't change". She also gets funny when I smoke cannabis as if it's cocaine or something.

I know the lack of trust is because of what me (and other guys) did to her, by should I feel bad for feeling suffocated? Will the trust ever come back? My friends say to leave her but I care way too much.

What do you all think?

Also, when I say Facebook likes, I mean when people like my stuff. I never like other girls stuff now.

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Originally Posted by darren333

However what is getting to me is the possessiveness and lack of trust. She hates any female friend I have. Hell, she even gets funny when I chill with my guy friends. She looks through my Facebook likes and grills me on literally every girl she sees who she doesn't know. And I mean really grills me. I recently had to cut off a female friend due to my GF being paranoid about her.
When I call her out on this behaviour she just says "that's the way I am, I won't change". She also gets funny when I smoke cannabis as if it's cocaine or something.

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To me, this is generally a major red flag. But in this scenario, it is actually build on something that isn't really her fault, just the way she deals with it is. It's not her fault she got cheated on, but the way she deals with it is bad for everyone involved.
I personally would address the issue head on.

Probably something along the lines of this:

"Babe, i really enjoy the time we spend together and you have been very supportive for me in the last couple of months, especially when i couldn't perform as i would have liked. The way you handled that relaxed me and made this relationship very beautiful for me.
And i know, what i will say next isn't really just your fault, i will take a major blame for this as well. Due to my selfish actions, it feels to me that you lost the trust in, and given our past, rightfully so. Since that mistake, i have never been with a different woman and you are the only one i want to be with right now.
But Honey, please, you need to take a small step back when it comes to my friends and random strange woman on facebook where i have no control over. It's unhealthy to not be around our friends, it doesn't matter if they are guys or girls.
So i am asking you, please try to trust me. And yes. I know it is much to ask for. But you are suffocating me, and you are slowly pushing me away, even though i want to be with you.
Let's try to fix this together. As a team. What do you say?"

It is very important that you address the fact that she got cheated on by you, and you acknowlegde that it is partly your fault. If you want this to work, you have to take responsibility for your actions and proof to her that you changed your behaviour now. It is also important to put in there what you specifically value about her, to give her a positive feeling about the situation, and on the things she has been doing for you. Show her that she means something to her, given that this is actually the case.
The way you deliver those words is super important. You can NOT make them too emotional. You need to have a clean discussion about this.

There’s an old saying that goes something like “trust takes years of honesty to earn, one dishonesty to lose, and forever to regain.” I hate to say it, but you may have a long uphill road to having a trusting relationship with her and may never get there. Just when you think she trusts you again, the pain of your cheating may pop back in her head and you’re back where you started. By cheating, you gave up your right to privacy with her if you want to help her trust you again. If you do decide to try to stay with her, you need to be completely open and let her pry and find nothing over and over. The more you try to keep things private, the more she’ll think there’s something you’re hiding.

Thanks for the replies,

The only thing I'd say here is when we got back together, we agreed the past is the past and it wouldn't be mentioned yet she still does sometimes. The last time she did I shut her down because it's clearly not helping things now.

I wasn't expecting it to be as simple as that, but she even admitted she hasn't got over it. I'm just concerned she never will.

As for my sexual difficulties, she knows I have severe performance anxiety. We probably have sex once or twice a week but that's because of logistics as well as she still lives at home with a dad that doesn't like me, so it always has to be at mine.

I know she wants more sex, and despite me having trouble before we got back together (which she knew about), if I don't sort myself out, I know she'll think I'm not attracted or even worse, getting it elsewhere...

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Originally Posted by darren333

Thanks for the replies,

The only thing I'd say here is when we got back together, we agreed the past is the past and it wouldn't be mentioned yet she still does sometimes. The last time she did I shut her down because it's clearly not helping things now.

I wasn't expecting it to be as simple as that, but she even admitted she hasn't got over it. I'm just concerned she never will.

As for my sexual difficulties, she knows I have severe performance anxiety. We probably have sex once or twice a week but that's because of logistics as well as she still lives at home with a dad that doesn't like me, so it always has to be at mine.

I know she wants more sex, and despite me having trouble before we got back together (which she knew about), if I don't sort myself out, I know she'll think I'm not attracted or even worse, getting it elsewhere...

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The more you stress yourself the worse it will become. Try to focus on going down on her, making her scream that way first, tend to her be loving and really tender. Giving each other massages really should get you both in a more relaxed state. Probably a good time to try Karezza. Look it up if you don't know what it is, but the rundown would be that you have sex with the goal of NOT having an orgasm, neither you nor her.

I have heard of that yes.

And there are occasions where it has gone flawlessly, but my nerves have definitely got in the way a lot. I've always had a bit of performance anxiety but it's full blown now, sometimes I won't even touch myself on my own in case "I don't work".

And despite what she says, no woman will stick around with shit sex, but the thoughts that might come into her mind in the meantime will destroy her.

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Originally Posted by darren333

The only thing I'd say here is when we got back together, we agreed the past is the past and it wouldn't be mentioned yet she still does sometimes. The last time she did I shut her down because it's clearly not helping things now.

I wasn't expecting it to be as simple as that, but she even admitted she hasn't got over it. I'm just concerned she never will.

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I'm not surprised at all that she still mentions it. Even though you want her to put it in the past and leave it be, this is something people just don't forget. They MIGHT forgive, but they will never forget. And shutting her down might get her to stop talking about it for a while, but now she'll be stewing silently about it while she's hurting that you shut her down. Lot's of people, especially women, work through difficult things best when they can talk about it with someone who's empathetic. Sounds like you are now not that person she can talk about it with. So, she'll likely talk about it with close friends if she hasn't already. Not a move in the right direction, I wouldn't think.

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Originally Posted by Physdoc

I'm not surprised at all that she still mentions it. Even though you want her to put it in the past and leave it be, this is something people just don't forget. They MIGHT forgive, but they will never forget. And shutting her down might get her to stop talking about it for a while, but now she'll be stewing silently about it while she's hurting that you shut her down. Lot's of people, especially women, work through difficult things best when they can talk about it with someone who's empathetic. Sounds like you are now not that person she can talk about it with. So, she'll likely talk about it with close friends if she hasn't already. Not a move in the right direction, I wouldn't think.

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I shut her down because she's asking the same questions that I already answered.

In fact, the reason she found out last time we were together is because she asked me on a hunch and I told her the truth, sometimes I wish I lied and just denied it in all honesty. I believe you can tell the truth for selfish reasons (ie, to make myself feel less shit about it).

But when we got back together on the agreement that the past is the past, that clearly isn't the case..

I do see what you're saying though. I just want to get things right this time and it feels like I'm botching it up in any possible way

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Originally Posted by darren333

I do see what you're saying though. I just want to get things right this time and it feels like I'm botching it up in any possible way

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I don't think there's one right way to dig your way out of this. It sounds like you care about her. That will matter the most to her. I know you don't want to talk about it and answer the same question over and over. I get that and wouldn't enjoy it either. But, I just think your best tact is to let her vent it out. If you're answering honestly and consistently, she should eventually realize she's beat the dead horse enough and stop. Cheating is a pretty bad offense and you might need to endure a little verbal flogging before she's satisfied. On the other hand, if you sense she's just a nagging, possessive control freak, you may need to move on.