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  • Worrying about Worrying

    Hi all:

    I'm a chronic worrier, I always have been. I get caught in negative thinking feedback loops that last for days or longer.

    I have been dating this girl for almost 2 months and I really like her. I think we have amazing chemistry together and I don't want to screw this up.

    Anyways, I'm a very laid back person and I don't do well with confrontation and I also don't do well with opening up and revealing flaws and insecurities. And I think that frustrates her because she is quite the opposite, she always says what she feels even if she gets emotional or feels vulnerable.

    We have been in an argument or two and it has bothered me. I tend to dwell on the argument and instead of enjoying the moment I like to play scenarios on my head on how to prevent us getting in that argument again over and over until I make myself go crazy. I realize this is irrational.

    She is very smart and knows a lot about body language and human pyschology. So she can tell when I'm worried about something and calls me out all the time. She gets frustrated if I don't want to talk about it, and I'm worried if I do then she will get upset and we might break up.

    But anyways that's just a back story to my main point. I worry about worrying. I worry about sexual performance sometimes, because I know if I am worried in the moment then it will effect my sexual performance. I worry when I go to the doctor and get my blood pressure taken that I'm going to be nervous in this moment because I know that makes my blood pressure spike and that they will think something is wrong with me but there really isn't.

    If there is a situation where anxiety will make it worse, then I'm going to worry about the anxiety because I don't feel in control. Because I know that she can pick up on my anxiety, sometimes I just worry that I am going to act anxious around her and cause her to think I'm uncomfortable around her and think we need to break up which I fear more than anything.

    I know this is completely irrational and all in my head, but it's something I deal with. How can do better and living in the moment and just enjoying the present instead of just worrying about what could go wrong?

  • #2
    It's called therapy. Try it it works!
    The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

    Comment


    • #3
      Please discuss this with your alter-ego:

      You- I going to open up completely with my girlfriend, intimate,
      close up, make myself vulnerable to my girl.

      Other You - I'm warning you, DON'T! Well, maybe just enough to fool her. Caution !!

      You- What's to lose ?

      Other you- We must not allow ourselves to be hurt...ever, guard us carefully.

      You- What's this US stuff ?

      Other you- Oh look... a shiny object over there, lets go look at that.....

      You-
      Valued Member of 11 years at the TheBiohacker
      Looks are deceiving, mirrors don't lie.

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      • #4
        tip- your alter ego likes to keep you in a self debating negative loop. That's how it protects you from being hurt.

        Separate you and your alter ego, as separate thinkers !
        Valued Member of 11 years at the TheBiohacker
        Looks are deceiving, mirrors don't lie.

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        • #5
          Talk to a therapist. I don't major in Psychology, but I would diagnose you with anxiety. You probably don't believe you have it because it's a mental disorder, but the fact that all you do is worry says a lot. Nobody likes a man who isn't sure of themselves.

          "Anyways, I'm a very laid back person and I don't do well with confrontation and I also don't do well with opening up and revealing flaws and insecurities. And I think that frustrates her because she is quite the opposite, she always says what she feels even if she gets emotional or feels vulnerable."

          This is one way how men and women are different. Women talk about their problems, men don't do that often. If you do talk about your problems, talk about them with another man. Men are more capable of understanding and will use rationality and empathy to help you get over your problem. There is also the chance that your girl will judge and she will only be able to think about what you've said to her every time she sees you. That doesn't mean don't talk to her about anything.

          I'm sure you are a grown man. This should be easy to figure out on your own. If you have close friends, you can talk over your problems with them too. Maybe with a beer
          BBC Action
          Senior Member
          Member of the Month August 2019
          Last edited by BBC Action; 08-16-2019, 02:06 PM.

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          • #6
            @CUSP82 @Dangler @BBC Action

            Thank you for the response. I think what it really boils down to is truly facing what I fear the most and not being afraid of it. I fear losing her more then anything, and my very fear of this is what's causing my worry and pushing her away because I'm not being myself. I'm only worried about avoiding what I'm afraid of and doing whatever it takes to prevent that.

            Just because I feel anxious doesn't mean that I need to desperately do something in my head to make that anxiety go ahead instantly, because you can't think something away inside your own head. I realize that. You only get caught in a negative feedback loop and create more and more anxiety until it's crippling because you realize what you are doing isn't working and you feel not in control.

            We talked for several hours on the phone last night. (I travel a lot for work, which makes things difficult in its own right. She is afraid to express herself when she misses me, because she is afraid I will dismiss her as being needy. So I guess we all have our fears)

            I was very open and vulnerable with her. I told her I feel uncomfortable sometimes because I don't like confrontation or fighting, and I don't like sharing my deepest emotions and all that. I told her I feel uncomfortable sometimes because I feel like she is constantly pyschologically analyzing me all the time and it makes me self conscious and nervous. Like I need to be on my best behaviour or something.

            This really hurt her feelings, because she said that I am her safe place. Whenever things get tough she knows she can go to me and she will always feel better. She thinks that all these feelings I am having are red flags for the fact that I don't feel good around her and that if I really did then things would just come easy and care free like it does with her.

            I don't really agree with this, relationships take work. People are different. Although I do understand why me expressing my worry to her hurts her feelings. But the problem is that this is precisely what I want to avoid the most, and I don't want this discussion to prevent me from being open with her because of fear again.

            So yeah despite our discussion, I still worry about her picking up on my anxiety and her thinking that I don't feel good with her. This is the main thing I want to get past.

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            • #7
              In her "psychoanalyzing" of you, can you tell if she's just trying to help you? It sounds like you don't perceive it as her trying to be helpful, but more more as judgmental. It's understandable. It could keep you from hearing what she's trying to tell you though.

              As far as what's rational and irrational... don't get too wrapped up in that. Don't label your actions and feelings. Look at the motives, instead. "I fear losing her more than anything..." Ask yourself why? What is the true source of that fear? Finding that, confronting it, and dealing with it can be the difference between wanting to be with her and needing to. Once it's a want and not a need, it can get easier to be more open and vulnerable without the anxiety of her seeing you for who you are and not only what you want her to see.

              What do worry and anxiety accomplish? You can turn them into something else and channel it to help you complete a task (risk management). Or they can paralyze you. Or cause you to make uninformed decisions. Or cause you to steer a situation in the wrong direction just to validate your fears... so you can tell yourself "I told me so. I knew that was going to happen." Control what you can. Be knowledgeable on the things you can't.

              Speaking to a professional can be very helpful. They can give you the tools you need to get through the day and handle the situations that may present themselves at any time.

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              • #8
                We have some great articles on the subject of self mastery. PLease be sure to review the Articles Section of the site for details.

                The following is an exmple: How to Improve Your Self Confidence
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                • #9
                  Thanks for the responses. We ended up having a fight over the weekend. She felt worried that I was feeling all this anxiety and it really frustrated me that I was expressing myself and not getting positive feedback so I blew up for a second and said some things that hurt her feelings even more. But in the end we were able to move past it.

                  Then later on I could tell that she was feeling very tense and being snappy with me. And I bluntly (being myself) asked why she was acting like that and if I was annoying her or what. She got even more defensive and said that I need to quit taking things so personal that she was just stressed, but I'm not going to just go along if someone is being rude with me.

                  The tension kept building to the point where I felt like I had done everything I could do to help her and nothing was working. So I just quit talking to her, and started zoning out watching TV. She kept getting more visually frustrated and started yelling at her phone going off, so at this point in my anxiety of the situation which I could not control I went into my freeze response and just started laughing. And I told her I was laughing because I didn't know what else to do, because everything I tried only made her more upset so she was on her own.

                  That's when she came over to me and just started falling to pieces and just letting everything out. Her anxiety was crippling her because nothing she was doing felt like it was enough. She had stressed herself out from work to the point that her whole life was work and she still felt like she wasn't good enough. And then when I went to her with my troubles she added that to her pallet of her thinking that I was telling her that she wasn't enough and she just reached a breaking point that she couldn't handle. So she just laid there with me and vented for half an hour or so and I could just see the relief in her eyes as she let it all out and then everything was fine.

                  I guess I just get so caught up in myself that I forget that shes a human with emotions too that has her own insecurities. The only thing I worry about going forward is if I can handle a full plate of my anxiety and her anxiety. I don't want to doubt her or doubt our relationship, but I don't do well with confrontation it makes me anxious. Sometimes the selfish part of me just wants to go back to being single where things are easy, and I don't have to worry about any of this stuff but I know that's not the way to true happiness. I truly like this girl and I don't want to lose her, but I also don't want to be unhappy or anxious.

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                  • #10
                    You sure like to use the word 'anxiety' a lot and I don't think you know what it really is. A simple Google search probably isn't enough. Did you even talk to a professional about what you are dealing with? You will be given answers on how to properly deal with your emotions.

                    I'm willing to bet you always try to think ahead and avoid confrontation because you are afraid you will get hurt in life. Whether physical or emotional. It's like you are walking on eggshells in every aspect of life.

                    At the end of the day we all put ourselves first. If you are ruining her work life and her wellbeing, you will be removed from her life. Get your problems figured out.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by BBC Action View Post
                      You sure like to use the word 'anxiety' a lot and I don't think you know what it really is. A simple Google search probably isn't enough. Did you even talk to a professional about what you are dealing with? You will be given answers on how to properly deal with your emotions.

                      I'm willing to bet you always try to think ahead and avoid confrontation because you are afraid you will get hurt in life. Whether physical or emotional. It's like you are walking on eggshells in every aspect of life.

                      At the end of the day we all put ourselves first. If you are ruining her work life and her wellbeing, you will be removed from her life. Get your problems figured out.
                      I haven't talked to a professional. Maybe I should.

                      I think you hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I try to do everything I can to control the situation and prevent her from getting upset with me about things, but in doing so I'm not enjoying the moment anymore and I'm actually making things worse because she can tell when I'm worried or not acting like myself.

                      But I also want to be clear that I'm not causing her problems at work. She is. She stresses herself out by putting immense pressure on herself to be perfect, and I can relate to that because I do the same thing.

                      I guess the main reason I came here with my issues, is that I wanted an outside opinion from a third party, and I don't always feel comfortable discussing this stuff with friends because I don't want them to judge.

                      Do you think I am truly in the wrong here for worrying about these things and simply not worrying as much is the key to a better relationship? Im just afraid that if I face these concerns that I have with our relationship then that means that I'm accepting that our relationship is broken and that scares me. And I surely worry about bringing them up with her, because I don't want to hurt her feelings like I have already done

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                      • #12
                        I simply think it's a bad relationship. Two people that worry and stress over everything doesn't sound good to me how bout you?
                        The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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                        • #13
                          I don't believe this to be a "bad relationship" at all. I really feel that we have that spark between us. And 90 percent of the time everything is amazing, it's just working out that other 10 percent of times when we are arguing or mad at each other. But hey that's relationships.

                          The longest relationship I've ever been in is 8 months so I'm not exactly experienced in the area. So after the honeymoon phase subsides into reality, my mind wants to say "uh oh things aren't puppies and rainbows any more. Time to go find the path of least resistance". So yeah it would be easier in the moment to just move on on and just keep bumping around in shallow, short relationships and hookups the rest of my life.

                          But I don't want that for myself, I feel something special with this girl. I'm ready to finally build a solid, meaningful relationship.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by PositiveVibes27 View Post
                            I don't believe this to be a "bad relationship" at all. I really feel that we have that spark between us. And 90 percent of the time everything is amazing, it's just working out that other 10 percent of times when we are arguing or mad at each other. But hey that's relationships.

                            The longest relationship I've ever been in is 8 months so I'm not exactly experienced in the area. So after the honeymoon phase subsides into reality, my mind wants to say "uh oh things aren't puppies and rainbows any more. Time to go find the path of least resistance". So yeah it would be easier in the moment to just move on on and just keep bumping around in shallow, short relationships and hookups the rest of my life.

                            But I don't want that for myself, I feel something special with this girl. I'm ready to finally build a solid, meaningful relationship.
                            At the end of the day you both have mental and emotional issues. It may not be a bad relationship, but you aren't going to have much success with other women if you don't get your issues taken care of. And if the arguing is 10% of the relationship, you would know why you two are arguing and wouldn't need to post here about what goes on in your home.

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                            • #15
                              You really shouldn't have to work hard, if at all in a good relationship. That works comes later with kids and bills and houses. Good luck but it won't work no matter how much you WANT it to work
                              The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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