Healthy realizations + a new woman + any tips?

**6inDongNotForLong** · 10-12-2019

Good news, I took all your advice and didn't risk my health for that girl I was seeing. She made it easy though when she ghosted me (lol).

I performed at a college recently & met a really cute 20 year old girl. We hit it off and have been having a blast getting to know each other.

I didn't plan on having sex with her so soon but it went there, my own mental issues cause problems but she is so great at not intentionally exacerbating any of them and trying to help me when I am having a OCD/Anxiety related response to something.

After the last time we hung out she told me she hooked up with 1 or 2 people off tinder who were 5/7 years older than her when she was 19. That started to eat at me (which I knew was ridiculous, but alas, OCD is a powerful disorder). (We had began asking some personal questions, this was generally my doing.)

I went to therapy and spoke to my therapist about this and she guided me to a very healthy realization;

My ex used to use affection and love as a manipulation tool, "Come here, STOP" "Kiss me, NO" It was constant start and stop with rejection & trained me to expect rejection and failure when given any love or affection (sickening, I cannot imagine being so evil towards someone.)

So, I realized with the help of my therapist that my brain is waiting for the denial & rejection. You really don't realize what the underlying issue is sometimes, but once this was found, most of that anxiety and obsessive sensation in my body dissolved.

I wanted to make this thread for myself to post updates and get advice from my friends here at the gym, I also wanted to ask some advice!

What are some things you've learned overtime that you've used during sex (oral, or PIV) that all women generally respond to?

I consider myself a well rounded lover but I recently came across this oral technique video thing and upon putting those teachings to practice I could hear, see and feel her responding to it. Definitely cool to learn and improve, especially when it leads to being a better lover.

My personal battle right now is staying hard, which is entirely performance anxiety based. I'm hoping over time with getting comfortable with her & gaining more trust, that will fade away.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well, please feel free to share any techniques or things I should try.

**Norwaydude** · 10-16-2019

Out of couriosity, what performance did you give at the college?

How old are you?

**incogneeetoe** · 10-17-2019

Originally Posted by 6inDongNotForLong

What are some things you've learned overtime that you've used during sex (oral, or PIV) that all women generally respond to?

Taoist thrusting.

10 shallow thrusts
9 shallow thrusts, 1 deep
8 shallow thrusts, 2 deep
etc, etc, to
1 shallow thrusts, 9 deep
10 deep

The wife usually orgasms at about 4 shallow 6 deep.

**TheGreatDivider** · 10-20-2019

You're still too hung up on your ex and the thought of pleasing a woman so she won't mistreat or leave you. You're trying to outdo yourself so you can keep her, and probably subconsciously prove to yourself that you're worthy, instead of just enjoying sex in the moment. You're not going to fix that with some oral sex technique. The only thing that's going to help you here is to get over your fear of losing her.

I hate to break it to you but this isn't going to last long. 20 year old college girls are not the best at staying faithful or in long term relationships while in college. They like to party, sleep around, fuck guys off of Tinder, and avoid responsibilities imposed on them by others (like father's or boyfriends.) That will change after she's had her fun and feels ready to settle down in her later 20s, but right now it's all about having fun. You could be the best fuck of her life and won't matter if she's not ready to have a long term relationship. So take it for what it's worth, a fling that's going to get you over your ex and help you move on.

**6inDongNotForLong** · 10-22-2019

Originally Posted by Norwaydude

Out of couriosity, what performance did you give at the college?

How old are you?

I'm a professional musician/songwriter & 24 years old.

Originally Posted by incogneeetoe

Taoist thrusting.

10 shallow thrusts
9 shallow thrusts, 1 deep
8 shallow thrusts, 2 deep
etc, etc, to
1 shallow thrusts, 9 deep
10 deep

The wife usually orgasms at about 4 shallow 6 deep.

I only have 5.5'' NPBEL, but 7'' BPEL.. Is this still effective?
I like this idea, it allows for great pacing, however, I have no issue with finishing too early ect, I simply tend to go numb and reaching orgasm is very difficult for me. Usually pouring sweat by the time I can make it happen.

Originally Posted by TheGreatDivider

You're still too hung up on your ex and the thought of pleasing a woman so she won't mistreat or leave you. You're trying to outdo yourself so you can keep her, and probably subconsciously prove to yourself that you're worthy, instead of just enjoying sex in the moment. You're not going to fix that with some oral sex technique. The only thing that's going to help you here is to get over your fear of losing her.

I hate to break it to you but this isn't going to last long. 20 year old college girls are not the best at staying faithful or in long term relationships while in college. They like to party, sleep around, fuck guys off of Tinder, and avoid responsibilities imposed on them by others (like father's or boyfriends.) That will change after she's had her fun and feels ready to settle down in her later 20s, but right now it's all about having fun. You could be the best fuck of her life and won't matter if she's not ready to have a long term relationship. So take it for what it's worth, a fling that's going to get you over your ex and help you move on.

This wasn't for that purpose my friend, I simply wanted to get advice so I can improve my sexual abilities! I'm fully aware it's likely it wont last. Heck, I found out yesterday she fucked her friend after getting drunk/smoking weed. I'm upset and sad, but we aren't a couple so I'm accepting it the best I can and moving on.

I also had my life changed at a gathering recently, I got to meditate assisted by didgeridoo and a one of a kind gong set up, the man playing the gongs is a psychologist & studied brain waves, he manipulates your brainwaves through the tones & it's absolutely astonishing. I got so much healing and learned so much. He also sat with me and did an EMDR therapy session with me literally in front of 7+ people. My entire mindset has changed and I'm so much healthier now, after ONE experience.

I came home and could read guilt on her face. She expresses it was a mistake and said she really doesn't want to mess this up. I know you'll come at me and say there's no chance it'll work, but I'm using this as a learning experience to work through something I would have never been able to previously. It was no coincidence that this happened right when I got back. This was a test, and so far, I'm winning.

Plus, she's honest. She told me the truth when I asked, she answered all my questions, and even got rid of the guy understanding my comfort (which was entirely ignored in the past). I wish like crazy this didn't happen, of course. But it did and it can't be undone. I'm considering the necessity of sleeping with someone else to "level the playing field" but I'm not sure yet. The one thing that eats at me is that I told her I wasn't kissing anyone else, she said she wasn't either. But then did this, she says she meant that up until that point she wasn't, and that she wasn't necessarily ready for full commitment. She also told me she convinced herself while drunk that it was okay because she wasn't committed to me, and he was there. She felt like being programmed by her ex to think poly. relationships were normal and most people were like that also influenced her decision. She said after the fact she felt guilty and knew she messed up. & said she found herself comparing us the entire time and felt I was ahead in everything.

I asked her "Do you feel this experience was necessary for you before getting into a new relationship?" She said yes, as she broke up with her ex (who forced her into a poly relationship) the day we met. She says to me that "He felt like a rebound, you don't."

I told her if I decide this is something I can move past, that this was her "one". I will not put up with manipulation, or games. I literally said "It sucks you've used your one redo before the relationship even starts."

She messaged the guy and told him it was a mistake and it shouldn't have happened, she said to him that she wants to pursue me and that she really likes me, so it's best they stop talking. He replied respectfully and she deleted/blocked him off all social media things and agreed to not be around him. (I made it clear that I wasn't comfortable with that). Do I feel like that's slightly controlling? Not really, I think it's fair. She does too. But I told her to spend some time thinking about it so she doesn't decide 5 months down the road that she does feel controlled and leave because of it.

It really sucks having to face this type of shit, but the fact I'm doing it as well as I am is showing me so much growth & healing has occurred. I'm incredibly proud of myself.

My only issue now is that during sex I kept thinking about her having sex with him and would lose my erection. This will pass over time, if it doesn't, then I move on.

**Big Al** · 10-22-2019

Trying to force the issue and having sex prematurely [when a relationship isn't ready for it] often causes problems.

Take it slow, and ease into any sexual contact by staying within your comfort zone. Once you feel you're confident in pursuing a committed relationship then it should get easier.

**TheGreatDivider** · 10-22-2019

Bruh, this isn't a girl you want a relationship with. She's already lied to you and slept with someone else when you're still at the stage where you should be building up trust, she's given you the sob story about her ex which you absolutely should not take her word on, and she's made it to where you feel you have to step up and tell her not to sleep with other people to be with you. And on top of that she's smoking weed and drinking with other guys. This is not just one fuck up, this is multiple fuck ups.

You simply don't tell a woman who's ready for a monagamous relationship to not sleep with other people. She should be ready to settle down and getting rid of the other guys because she sees something in you, not making you do it for her. This is her way of telling you that she is not ready for a relationship and there's nothing you can do to change her mind. This is also a huge red flag that at some point she's going to cheat on you again and tell the other guy or girl that it's your fault for being an asshole. She did it with you already convincing you that he forced her into a poly relationship. There was no "forcing" and she's telling you a damsels-in-distress story to make you feel like you saved her from a terrible ex. You didn't and she's going to make you into a villain too.

Do not get attach to her. In fact I'd say be ready to dump her in the next month or so because she's going to keep pushing your boundaries and seeing what she can get away with. This is what immature women do, they'll do something completely inappropriate that's understandably upsetting, like sleeping with an ex when you've been dealing out for a while but aren't official yet, they'll do whatever it takes to have you forgive them and lower your standards of what you will tolerate, and then they'll see what else they can get away with. You have to be doing to walk away from her at any moment it she breaks your trust again. It doesn't matter how sweet she is, how loudly she laughs at your jokes, or how good her pussy is, you are the man and you are the gatekeeper for this relationship.

Keep in mind that you are the king here and you are courting her as your queen. No matter how much power she has you will always be in charge of the relationship and be a respectable man. Now, you could abuse that power like one of those assholes that beats his woman or you could use it to have a great relationship where she respects you and looks up to you. You get th idea? She has say in it too, she's not going to be completely subservient to you. But you're her leader in this relationship is and your job is guide her towards the best path. Like telling her she's not going to go hang out and get drunk and high with her ex, for example. A lot of young girls are not going to let you tell them what to do even if they know deep down that you've got their best interest in mind and you care deeply about them. And you know what you do in that case... You leave. You take yourself out of the game and get ready for the next woman. I'm trying not to make this advice sound offensive, but my point is you've got to be strong and be one of those guys that will sacrifice everything for a woman that's proven herself time and time again to not be worthy of your love.

**6inDongNotForLong** · 10-22-2019

I truly appreciate your advice TGD, but this time I simply have to say it's just not like that.

However, if for some ridiculous reason it turns out you are right, and some bullshit occurs again, I'll be out before you can blink.

After the mental beating my ex gave me, I will never let a woman treat me like that again.

I totally see why you'd think this, but she was hanging out at her best friends house, and the guys were there. Her best friend was hooking up with one of them (her friend friend is actually jumping between these guys) and the guy ended up putting his arm around her and she just didn't feel it was wrong since we aren't committed. They ended up going to the other room and hooking up. Ultimately she regrets it, I can see it. Just like I could see that something was up.

If we were committed and she did this, there would be no discussion, it would be over.

It sucks, I wish this wasn't the case, as things would be so fucking great. Like.. No problems at all..

But I already told her, "that was your one, if something happens again no matter how small, I'm gone.

**TheGreatDivider** · 10-23-2019

Originally Posted by 6inDongNotForLong

I truly appreciate your advice TGD, but this time I simply have to say it's just not like that.

However, if for some ridiculous reason it turns out you are right, and some bullshit occurs again, I'll be out before you can blink.

After the mental beating my ex gave me, I will never let a woman treat me like that again.

I totally see why you'd think this, but she was hanging out at her best friends house, and the guys were there. Her best friend was hooking up with one of them (her friend friend is actually jumping between these guys) and the guy ended up putting his arm around her and she just didn't feel it was wrong since we aren't committed. They ended up going to the other room and hooking up. Ultimately she regrets it, I can see it. Just like I could see that something was up.

If we were committed and she did this, there would be no discussion, it would be over.

It sucks, I wish this wasn't the case, as things would be so fucking great. Like.. No problems at all..

But I already told her, "that was your one, if something happens again no matter how small, I'm gone.

If this is just a friends with benefits arrangement, and a way of helping you get over your ex, then you've got to accept that this is just a temporary deal.

No matter how good you are to her, how well you fuck her, how attentive you are to her needs, she will never belong to you or see you as her number one guy if you're not using labels and you're just sleeping together. She's going to have some other guy that would do anything to get with her and nothing stopping her, especially if she's young and pretty. As soon as she finds one better than you that's it for your FWB deal. That could happen in any relationship but it's more likely to happen here.

I am telling you this so you are prepared and you don't get your hopes up. She's going to keep putting herself in situations with her hoe friends where she gets drunk or high and hooks up with some random guy when you're not around.

Now this can be a beautiful thing if you lay down some boundaries and lower your standards. You get to fuck her brains out once or twice a week and while other than that he blow up her phone looking to take her to dinner and movies. Maybe it lasts a few months, maybe it lasts about a year, but you get the best of her while it lasts and then wish her well when she leaves.

What you don't want to do is let yourself get fixated on her or spend a lot of time talking to her and only her. That's where the boundaries come in... Like under no circumstances should you let her talk about her ex or her personal problems with you. You are not her shoulder to cry on, you are her dick to ride on. You don't want her be taking her side in any of her sad stories or put yourself in a position where she calls you to vent or complain. That's what she has girlfriends and beta male orbiters for. You're also not going to be taking her out on dates or spending a lot of time and money on her. It's pretty much going to be her letting you know she needs some action, coming over to your place, you get the job done, and she leaves. Maybe you have dinner at your place and watch a movie on Netflix but that's about it. Overall, just treat her well but not like she's your girlfriend.

Also, never have sex without a condom or eat her out without a dental dam. Don't take any chances with her giving you an STD or becoming pregnant. And don't ever use a condom she gives you. You want to protect yourself from being trapped into pregnancy too. You may not think it will happen to you but some crazy chick could trick you into pregnancy hoping you'll never leave or planning on getting child support from you and you'd be screwed.

Okay, that ends my advice on how to protect yourself from another heartbreak and bad decision that costs you your livelyhood and your soul in family court.

As far as the sex advice you really want to know... I'm just going to go ahead and say it, don't be afraid to get rough. Slap her ass, call her a dirty slut, pull her hair from the roots, lightly choke her, fuck her like you hate her and then kiss her like you're never going to see her again. Of course, you'll want to stop if she's not cool with it and check in with her during it but she's going to like the Fifty Shades of Grey excitement. I know what you're thinking and I'm actually really sweet to the women I date, but in the bedroom I'm rough and passionate. It's a lot of fun once you get the hang of it... It's like a playing a role only in the bedroom.

This was something I learned from hooking up with women and talking to female friends about their sex lives. They like men who take their time with kissing and foreplay, who spend time kissing their neck, ear lobes, and nipples, and work their way down to eating them out, and fingering them slowly at first, but they want to be fucked like women in movies. A lot of my female friends in the past have complained that their partners are too gentle in bed and not exiting enough for them. I learned you could be really rough with women who wet and excited enough and they'll beg you for more. I mean like pulling her hair while you rail her from behind and then shoving her face in a pillow, turning her over you knew and spanking her and playing with her clit, or doing her missionary and choking her and kissing her.

Most of these things are going to be ok, but you'll want to be careful about spanking her with any objects or choking her with two hands. You just want to lightly smack her ass and squeeze her throat unless she asks for it harder. And check with her first about what makes she's likes to be called. Some women don't care what you call them, others get massively triggered if you call them a bitch or a slut. You're not going to hurt her feelings but you could piss her off and ruin the moment. And make sure you ask her before you okay with her ass. Some women like a finger in the butt while you're fingering the vagina and eating them out, to others that's a no go zone. It never hurts to ask.