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My insecurity will ruin my relationship. Men and Women, help please.

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  • My insecurity will ruin my relationship. Men and Women, help please.

    I'm a liar.

    I tell small lies.


    Fuck.. this was so hard to say...


    I have an insecurity of impressing without regret of what this action and lie i say, and set of actions preceding it may happen, following it. This causes me to lie. I don't know if i need help, but i hate this part of myself. Everyone (hyperbole more like 6 close people) i know says this is the last thing they would expect of person of my stature (one they come to talk to, one for advice, one to confide in because of non judgemental nature) and my kindness. This is context for what follows.


    I've been dating this woman named L coming up on 12 months now. We've really had a great relationship up to this point, we laugh, we argue (we come to a conclusion and never let things spill over and continue), we cry (once lol) but we truly enjoy each other's company. The sex is infrequent but that is down to current living situations and cultural aspects.

    She loves the way i treat her, respectfully, sometimes snarky but in a loving way... who says couples aren't sarcastic from time to time to get a rise out of each other?

    This past week feels like a nightmare, but i can honestly say it has built up until this time. My insecurity revolves around me trying to impress to create a false narrative or make something sound better than it is. So in essence, i Lie. These aren't big lies, they're small and insignificant, but they mean something to her. She doesn't understand because i've been truthful about the big things so why lie about things that are tiny. She doesn't care about being impressed, she simply cares for the truth. We had a conversation at the 3 month point about this. Since that time i changed my behaviour but this was still an outstanding issue for her.


    This week we had a little blow out. The blow out centered on something going on while we were talking to each other on the phone. I simply became distracted and couldn't really think with the noise so i said i would take a nice bath, relax and get back to you later. She sent a cute meme, then 20 minutes later told me she was annoyed. I said i felt the same way (about the meme) and she misinterpreted me as saying i'm annoyed too, but once she went off this resentment over my lies came out at that point full front and center.


    Last night, we had a good talk. She helped open my eyes to this insecurity, so for me it shows she cares quite a lot about this relationship AND me to see me want to get over this.


    I need to get over this for me, before i keep this healthy relationship going sideways.


    I've walked away from relationships of not being treated right, people not reciprocating the same energy but expecting me to pour out my soul to them, people keeping hold of things and not telling me until the end of the relationship (telling me not being baptized was fine (i'm east indian, she was christian).


    But this woman.. I want to marry her, but before i do that, i want to be rid of this cloud hanging over. She says it hasn't impacted how she feels about me, it doesn't make her see me any differently, but it makes her question small things when she believes they may be untrue. This isn't healthy for a long life together. Since that three month period nothing has happened. I've been faithfully truthful to her. Honesty is what she values most.


    This insecurity I feel i've had for the longest time and addressing it now makes me feel weak. I feel disappointed that i've had the person who loves me have to tell me what i need to fix. The last thing i want to be to my partner is a project.


    Only time will fix what has happened. To the men on this forum, how have you handled and completely gotten over your insecurity or not let it impact your relationship. And to the women, how have you approached your partners about this. How have you seen your partners grow from this? Has this moved you two closer together?


    I want to grow. I don't want to be a dependant. She loves me for who i am. She doesn't like this aspect of me. I understand this isn't an US issue, this is a me issue and it one i wholly want to get past.

  • #2
    Is it a personality trait?

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    • #3
      It is possible for instance you are high in Narcissism . If you know this about yourself it may help you . Mind you this would mean in effect a certain amount of hard wiring.

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      • #4
        Thanks for the reply Pegasus.

        I'm reading up more on it, and understand the hard wiring part you're talking about. I don't have all the traits, but some of them stand out somewhat. I took a Personality quiz. The average for normal people is between 12-15, Celebrities normally score 18.

        I scored 22.

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        • #5
          Ok so the problem here is typically you will be good at geting a date and bad at relationships.

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          • #6
            Because of all their experience with maintaining their self image, people who score high for narcissism will often appear charming but their narcissism will later lead to extreme difficulty in developing close relationships.
            Narcissistic men will be better at building an attractive identity, crafting an alluring image, dressing themselves for maximum impact, and comporting themselves with the utmost self-regard.

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            • #7
              Basically i've shred myself of all the lies since we had the conversation 9 months ago. She said there is nothing else that bothers her and she speaks the truth. I don't want this continue but i've noticed a trend in myself with these traits that appear, through some deep soul searching too.

              I think the input of men will further my truth finding because i'm not happy about where i'm at right now.

              It used to be related to penis size which was from an early age of being home alone in 2002-2007, my high school years and having a computer and unlimited access. It skewed on my thoughts from watching porn. This part has subsided over the years, I dont feel anything remotely close to what i felt as an adolescent. PE helped me over that hump and i've gotten further than where i originally planned in this regard.

              But its not the physical trait that impresses her. Nothing impresses her, nothing of substance or vanity. Only honesty and integrity. The integrity she sees, the honesty she doesn't.
              ripper89
              Member
              Last edited by ripper89; 03-29-2020, 01:07 AM.

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              • #8
                Uhuh so your actual nature is not honest so you are trying to change your actual nature .

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                • #9
                  I haven't created this superior false narrative of who i am. She knows who i am. I simply create narratives that make a situation better than it seems to up the ante on the image of myself.

                  These lies have subsided, but only actions will be the teller to whether she believes me moving forward.

                  But in regard to narcissism.. yes I want to change my actual nature.

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                  • #10
                    Mind you if your self explanation is to be believed you do not have the worst aspects of narcissism .
                    So typically narcissists are callous and exploit and it is all about the self .

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                    • #11
                      You could sell the idea these are just story lines and should be taken as entertainment .

                      Here is another hard question which I suspect you have already found the answer to what is your level of Mach and psychopathy?

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                      • #12
                        I am none of those. I gladly give before taking, and help others before helping myself. I put the needs of others before me. Power is not what i'm after, but i love adoration and use it as tool to make me feel good about myself.

                        The thing about selling them as story lines for entertainment is.. it's not the truth, its still a fabrication, still a lie.. and still something i want nothing to do with.
                        ripper89
                        Member
                        Last edited by ripper89; 03-29-2020, 01:51 AM.

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                        • #13
                          Sorry you lost me on this one. Mach and Pyscopathy? Two things i've never heard or read about. A quick google search sort of confused me, could provide an example?

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ripper89 View Post
                            Sorry you lost me on this one. Mach and Pyscopathy? Two things i've never heard or read about. A quick google search sort of confused me, could provide an example?
                            Oh come on a quick google search gave me 11 million results for psychopathy and I spelt it correctly above . In any case it is well known this from wiki.

                            Psychopathy is traditionally a personality disorder characterized by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, disinhibited, and egotistical traits.[

                            This from wiki
                            In the field of personality psychology, Machiavellianism is a psychological trait centered on interpersonal manipulation, unemotional coldness, and indifference to morality.[1] Though unrelated to the historical figure or his works, the trait is named after the political philosophy of Niccolo Machiavelli, as psychologists Richard Christie and Florence Geis used edited and truncated statements inspired by his works to study variations in human behaviors.[2][3][4] Their Mach IV test, a 20-question, Likert-scale personality survey, became the standard self-assessment tool and scale of the Machiavellianism construct. Those who score high on the scale (high Machs) are more likely to have a high level of deceitfulness and callousness.[5]
                            It is one of the dark triad traits, along with narcissism and psychopathy.[6][7]
                            Pegasus
                            Administrator
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                            Last edited by Pegasus; 03-29-2020, 03:29 AM.

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                            • #15
                              My sister is like what you're describing. She's a good person, but tells little lies. I don't think she realizes me or my wife know, but we do as we've caught her in several over the years. They aren't huge lies, more like when she tells a story or talks about something she bumps it up a few notches to be more entertaining or sound better than it really is. Ultimately what its done is make my wife and I question literally everything that comes out of her mouth. We tend to listen and afterward when we're at home we say "yeah okay I'm sure it happened JUST like that" or "yeah she's full of shit". Its natural for people to tell a story with a funny twist, or punchline or just make stories interesting, but lying about things that are so unimportant isn't necessary.

                              For example: she went on a fishing trip last year and actually caught some big fish. However, she chose to share a photo that indicated she caught a HUGE grouper. Like the size of a VW bus! It took about 3 seconds of google to find the image she sent to our family. Why did she do that? We would've all been impressed with the actual fish she caught, why send a google photo and doctor it up and lie? Its really odd, and in many ways is psychopathy like Pegasus said albeit on a minor level.

                              Obviously you know this is a problem and hopefully you can cut it out asap. Its very hard to gain trust after its been lost. I have no advice other than don't continue to be like my sister. Just be honest no matter how boring or uneventful it may seem.
                              BallsMahoney
                              Senior Member
                              Member of the Month Oct 2019
                              Last edited by BallsMahoney; 04-01-2020, 11:46 AM.
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