Wife texting another guy; what should I do?

[iceclimb25]

We're both early 30's, married for 1 year. I'm in the military and unfortunately we've been moved a long way from all our friends and family which has been difficult for her as she is also not really speaking to any of her family. By my own admission, I haven't been a great partner; my job is stressful, I do have some anger issues over my OCD tendencies and I am naturally not a very supportive person. We had a fight recently and in my worst move ever, I did push her to the floor, and I am so ashamed of myself for it. My wife has struggled to make any decent friends in this new area and has trust issues that I'm trying it on with every girl at work, which is completely untrue.

She has a new friend now though; someone she met for 2 hours on a night out through a friend. He lives at the other end of the country and although they will probably never even see eachother again, they text eachother ALL DAY LONG, especially now she is off work from CV19.

How do I know? Because she left her Instagram logged in on my laptop and I can see everything they say. I can hear your tuts, and I understand that I shouldn't be prying, but if I'm even in the same room as her she hides her phone from my view. I have approached her about it, and she says he's just a friend and they don't message that often. However, they send at least 300 messages a day, including photos of eachother sunbathing, watching films simulteneously, he says she's hot all the time, and while she claims she talks about me to him, there has never been a single mention of me.

It may be a dick move, but I've screen shotted all the messages I find inappropriate and I'm planning to confront her over it, and give her the option of a phone relationship with him, or a real relationship with me. I understand that me being a [very]sub-par husband recently I have kind of brought this on myself, and she is probably using this to make herself feel better. But is it too harsh to give her that ultimatum? I do love her tremendously, however I am really not OK with her behaviour.

[8.39]

Difficult situation bro..Do you have feelings about her?

[Jay1983]

A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. If you don't approve of it, express it. Better yet, how would she feel if you were communicating such, and doing such, hearing such, with/from another woman?

[Party]

You have been intrusive but you are completely right to question her. An affair of the heart, is still an affair. Good luck. Wishing you both the best.

[madyogi]

I agree with most of what's been said here, but you will have to own your own part of this if any confrontation is to yield positive results. Obviously her behavior needs to change, and I agree with Jay1983 that presenting her with some version of "how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot" is a good move. That said, you've admitted you have failed in some ways as a partner and even used physical means to express your frustration. You both will have to change if you are to come out of this together with a healthy relationship.

[FoeDollas]

Shes just getting something out of that connection your not giving, id guess its emotionally. You also said she wants a friend and it looks like she found one but its a guy. At the same time you both got something to work on(you cant push ur wife). You gotta be careful how you approach this one

[TheZZMan]

Would be more sympathetic to you if you hadn't admitted to being a dick in the past. You have pushed her and givien her a reason to wander. You can lash out, won't help. What you should do is win her back and give her a reason again to be with you. Its OK to admit that you were wrong. Its OK to admit to yourself that you took for granted that which you had. It is an awesome opportunity to once again prove to her why you two got together in the first place.

While along that path, let her know that you won't take things for granted again and you will be more attentive to the relationship than you have been in the past.

[iceclimb25]

UPDATE:

So I did confront my wife over it, BUT acknowledged that my actions & behaviour were the reasons she gave the time of day to this guy, and why she was enjoying the attention of someone else (because he obviously fancied the hell out of her). Despite some vague plans to possibly meet in the future, she maintains she would have never actually met up with him, which I do believe.

We have had a few chats about moving forward vs. potentially calling it a day and it has all been very civil. I have said I will attend counselling to discuss my anger, etc, and my wife seems to be in favour of getting our marriage back on track. I feel so ashamed for how I've treated her and I've said I completely understand her reactions in texting this guy. I've logged out of her Instagram and I believe her when she says she wont stay in contact with him.

I'm in an odd place at the moment now though because she keeps telling me not to try so hard/don't be so lovey-dovey, but then she will come kiss me, touch me & tell me how much she loves me. So I am just going to try and be the best man I can for now and slowly try to move us in the right direction.

[Norwaydude]

Would be more sympathetic to you if you hadn't admitted to being a dick in the past. You have pushed her and givien her a reason to wander. You can lash out, won't help. What you should do is win her back and give her a reason again to be with you. Its OK to admit that you were wrong. Its OK to admit to yourself that you took for granted that which you had. It is an awesome opportunity to once again prove to her why you two got together in the first place.

While along that path, let her know that you won't take things for granted again and you will be more attentive to the relationship than you have been in the past.

I actually find it more sympathetic to admit to crossing the line, rather than blame all on her. We all have our weak spots and to manage hot temper is easier said than done.

Hope this works out for op!

Btw if she had jealusy issues herself i know it is very tempting to provoce guys by trying to induce similar feelings of jealusy. My current gf speaks very openly of things like that and im very greatful for it. As it means its easier for me to understand the way she thinks.

But if you love her, give her what she needs and try to be a good friend to her. Without compomising your selfworth.

Got luck taming those deamons my friend!

[CUSP82]

There could be a happy ending to this if everyone tries.