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Never been in love / dated / had a relationship (but plenty of sex)

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  • Never been in love / dated / had a relationship (but plenty of sex)

    I have been using apps to meet guys for sex for about 8 years. I started 'later' than normal as I was very academic/introverted/late puberty/etc. I hit 30 years old recently and lived in a UK city all my life with a very good gay scene.

    I get laid pretty quickly and by pretty hot guys and don't require to much in much effort in the conversations to get them to come over.
    I have mainly had success with hookup apps, when I try dating websites/apps, I still get a lot of likes, but it is chat chat chat and never a physical meet (I do offer beer/pizza etc they say yes but I never actually met anyone).
    I have never been on a date, or had sex with the same person more than 3 times.

    It was okay initially but over the years I started to wonder why nothing was converting to more. Let's benchmark to 100. Say 50% are visiting so that is a one time only anyway because I'm in a City. From the other 50%, 95% are one hour stands. I have offered shower/sleepover etc and do follow up with the ones I like after, usually with a positive response, but rarely another meet (even if its just for sex).

    I have been to various therapists - sex therapy, physcotherapist, psychiatrist, relationship coach - and no one has any clue what is going on for me.

    A small number of guys converted to friends (all were in different countries).
    > One friendship lasted about 4 years (I became sexually uninterested, but liked the friendship, and because we were in different countries it was good). He ended it as I think I became a bit needy towards the end so he pulled away and we have not spoken since. In hindsight, I think I was just being used because of my location/as a long distance fk bud.
    > One friendship is ad-hoc/we speak 1-2 times a year briefly, nothing much happening there.
    > Other than that, everyone fizzles within a month.
    My friendships where I don't sleep with them have lasted years though (longest is 7 years).

    I cannot figure out for the life of me what is going on. I tried looking internally for answers and here is what I am coming up with.
    > I still have no clue what I am looking for. I have maybe 1 infatuation per year (i.e. sleep with them and am interested in meeting up so message). It lasts 24-48 hours and dies out. I can't control how I feel though.
    > I have not met the right person to feel chemistry. I'm starting to feel like this one is BS because I have slept with a *lot* of people.
    > Ye...I'm out of ideas lol.

    If it helps, I am doing good in other areas of my life. Great job that I enjoy/good income/growth in career, healthy (gym fit, eating healthy for years), educated (Masters), good relationship with my family etc.
    faangs
    Junior Member
    Last edited by faangs; 06-21-2020, 11:16 AM.

  • #2
    If it's anything like I see here in my city, the gay scene is WILD. I don't really see any of my friends settling down, they are always out and about. Well, there are one or two that work out for maybe a year or two, then something happens and they split.

    I still have no clue what I am looking for. I have maybe 1 infatuation per year (i.e. sleep with them and am interested in meeting up so message). It lasts 24-48 hours and dies out. I can't control how I feel though.


    This is a big one. You can't hit a target if you don't know what the target is. Sleeping around isn't going to help because you may develop sexual chemistry, but they could also be a POS in real life.

    My advice would be to chill out for a while and see who WANTS to hang out with you. It sounds like you are doing all the chasing. Maybe it's time for you to be chased, for you to be approached, or at least a mutual understanding that's not sex...just an enjoyment of companionship and being around each other.

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    • #3
      Interesting situation, faangs. I'm a straight guy but I've had similar experiences with women through online dating. I think the technology itself is changing the game because it's become so easy and even addicting to have dozens or hundreds of potential dates/lays at your fingertips.

      It sounds like there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to adjust your strategy and communication.

      First of all, those 50% of guys who are tourists are almost never going to convert to anything more than a fling. Long term friendship sounds cool but as you've seen, you can't expect much from these. Remaining, you have let's say 45% fuck buddies and 5% guys interested in dating. Find out if you can convert more of that 45% into dates. Inviting guys directly to your place is a great strategy for sex, but not really for dating. It's possible that you're communicating to them that you're only interested in sex. It's also possible that the ones who agree quickly to come over are only interested in sex themselves. I don't really know, but you'll want to screen guys to find out what they're looking for, and get a better idea for yourself about what you want. Being honest about this near the beginning of your interactions is wise. You might also want to spend time with some guys before sleeping with them to see if you're compatible in non-sexual situations.

      You can figure it out bro, but it'll take effort. There's nothing wrong with you as a person. You're more likely just taking the wrong approach to entering a relationship.
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      • #4
        Originally posted by JustALilMore View Post
        If it's anything like I see here in my city, the gay scene is WILD. I don't really see any of my friends settling down, they are always out and about. Well, there are one or two that work out for maybe a year or two, then something happens and they split.

        This is a big one. You can't hit a target if you don't know what the target is. Sleeping around isn't going to help because you may develop sexual chemistry, but they could also be a POS in real life.

        My advice would be to chill out for a while and see who WANTS to hang out with you. It sounds like you are doing all the chasing. Maybe it's time for you to be chased, for you to be approached, or at least a mutual understanding that's not sex...just an enjoyment of companionship and being around each other.

        My 2c

        Thanks for the reply!

        The thing is, there is a big jump between hooking up and settling down. There are things like a f**k bud, an open relationship, a date or friend even. I don't seem to get anything above a hookup (from the gay community), and that to, mostly just once with the person.

        I did come off apps etc entirely for about 1 year and literally no one messaged me. I am always chasing, ploughing and then going ... eh. lol Not knowing what I want comes from the lack of investment from their side also.

        I made a gay friend after a hookup, that was because he bothered to reply to me, we met again, and kept in touch. It was not something I was 'looking for' or 'planned', it just happened, and when it did I realised it was nice and I wanted more of it with others. But until it happens its also hard to know. I still don't know why it ended so poorly like it did and also what worked in that case vs others.

        Same with hookups. A surprising amount of guys I have 'just slept with just because I'm bored' have turned out to be great and I got along well with them. But when so few actually stay in your life, its hard to actually be 100% sure what you want. Maybe a relationship isn't for me, I can't know until I actually try it no?
        faangs
        Junior Member
        Last edited by faangs; 06-22-2020, 06:09 AM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Dance Sucka View Post
          Interesting situation, faangs. I'm a straight guy but I've had similar experiences with women through online dating. I think the technology itself is changing the game because it's become so easy and even addicting to have dozens or hundreds of potential dates/lays at your fingertips.

          It sounds like there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to adjust your strategy and communication.

          First of all, those 50% of guys who are tourists are almost never going to convert to anything more than a fling. Long term friendship sounds cool but as you've seen, you can't expect much from these. Remaining, you have let's say 45% fuck buddies and 5% guys interested in dating. Find out if you can convert more of that 45% into dates. Inviting guys directly to your place is a great strategy for sex, but not really for dating. It's possible that you're communicating to them that you're only interested in sex. It's also possible that the ones who agree quickly to come over are only interested in sex themselves. I don't really know, but you'll want to screen guys to find out what they're looking for, and get a better idea for yourself about what you want. Being honest about this near the beginning of your interactions is wise. You might also want to spend time with some guys before sleeping with them to see if you're compatible in non-sexual situations.

          You can figure it out bro, but it'll take effort. There's nothing wrong with you as a person. You're more likely just taking the wrong approach to entering a relationship.
          I have gone on non-hookup apps. I get a lot of likes and messages, but again, 0 dates. And I keep the conversation completely non-sexual, but actually 80% of the time *they* make it sexual, and usually if we are talking that much I am interested in boning them, so just go with it. As a test, I also tried pulling it back to normal conversation, but then they won't actually meet me.

          I also reached out to guys who are in an open relationship / etc and asked how they met, and most met through a shag through Grindr or similar, then kept shagging. They key here is kept shagging lol.

          I also tried non-apps e.g. going to clubs, parks, groups that were LGBT etc and I gym also in super gay gyms... no one 'hits' on me though or maybe I'm a retard and don't realise (I often have asked my friends did he hit on me and they are like yes, but then it is too late).

          I'll be honest though. I really need to sleep with them as sex is massively important to me. If I spend all this time with them and they are nice and I don't like the sex, it is a waste (no offence). I know people say sex isn't that important long term etc etc etc but it really is for me lol. This is because I have really good straight friends, so I'm emotionally satisfied generally, so if my partner and I cannot have good sex then it seems like what is the point of the relationship. Bad I know but it is how I am and I make the part clear that if we click sexually I'm open to more. Hence if I feel we did, I message.

          I even tried inviting them to mine, having a drink or something first (not just sleeping together) and then having sex. It is just the same result all the time. So now sometimes I even just am fully naked when I let them in, so we can just get on with it, loooool. It is the unwillingness to spend time with me before having sex that is coming from their side.

          As for screening - now I specifically ask do they live in my city, to eliminate visitors entirely (well, I still do a couple of hotties now and again, but give it minimal to no investment after). I also ask them what they are looking for, and more often they write something like 'fun but open to more' and then I engage with those vs 'sex, are you top?' or someone like that.

          What was even more strange, is I hooked up with one guy (who claimed he was top only, but always bottoms for me lol as I'm top only), then I didn't message at all, and he keeps 'liking' me and we have met twice now. Again, I don't ever message. Maybe that should be the strategy. Cum inside them then leave and don't say anything lol. Seems dumb but it is getting me the second lay. Seems silly though... I don't even like him beyond the sex so I'm not inclined to invest.
          faangs
          Junior Member
          Last edited by faangs; 06-22-2020, 05:58 AM.

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          • #6
            Bump

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            • #7
              Originally posted by faangs View Post
              Bump
              Let's not just bump threads here. Ask a question or something pertaining to the topic but just saying "bump" is discouraged. Thanks!
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              • #8
                Originally posted by Ultimate Burrito View Post
                Let's not just bump threads here. Ask a question or something pertaining to the topic but just saying "bump" is discouraged. Thanks!
                Sorry, noted.
                My question is - what do I do?
                Not trying to force love, but a relationship or even a date would be nice.

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                • #9
                  It's like you only want the sugar, not the cake.

                  If you mean what you write, stop meeting people through online apps. The main reason for people to be on tinder, grindr, or whatever other similar app, is that they mainly want sex.
                  Don't complain when you get when you paid for.

                  Relationships are much more difficult than "just fucking".
                  It feels to me like you're sending out the "let's fuck" vibes way more than you do the with the relationship vibes. Cause that means compromise. Are you sure you want (just) one guy?
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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Liam Strong View Post
                    It's like you only want the sugar, not the cake.

                    If you mean what you write, stop meeting people through online apps. The main reason for people to be on tinder, grindr, or whatever other similar app, is that they mainly want sex.
                    Don't complain when you get when you paid for.

                    Relationships are much more difficult than "just fucking".
                    It feels to me like you're sending out the "let's fuck" vibes way more than you do the with the relationship vibes. Cause that means compromise. Are you sure you want (just) one guy?
                    Sorry I thought I replied to this already.

                    I came off apps entirely for a little over a year and tried to meet guys 'naturally' thought social clubs, sports, gym etc. Nothing happened. Like not even a friend.

                    Apps (specifically Grindr) is the *only* place I ever met another human being if you can believe that. Tinder doesn't even work for me. Plenty of messages, plenty of chats, plenty of time wasting but 0 actual physical meets for a coffee or even sex. It is insane.
                    As for vibes, I don't know. I asked a few guys I slept with and they said 'I would date you if I lived here'. But maybe I biased so I take that as a pinch of salt.

                    I genuinely want to try being with 1 person only. I really think at this point in my life I've fucked around so much that it is weirdly easier for me to just be with one as I am no longer 'curious for the grass on the other side'.

                    But where to find these men if they won't date me?

                    I can't remember if I said about my gay friend - but now that its ended - I feel like we were in a relationship actually, without the sex lol. And that lasted for years. So clearly I have it in me for a guy who is also invested in me. But where is this guy?
                    faangs
                    Junior Member
                    Last edited by faangs; 11-25-2020, 10:47 AM.

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