Am I insecure or does my GF make me insecure?

[Blobsta]

Hello everyone! Recently joined up and have a question for what appears to be a very helpful group of people! Here goes...

I have been with my GF for about a year now and on more than one occasion she has had me thinking am I insecure or is she making me! First example. When we first kissed it was awesome! Problem was she failed to mention that she hadnt moved out of her exs yet but also had to share a bed with him :-( She told me shortly after but unfortunately I was already kinda hooked on her. I backed off a little knowing that she had to go abroad for a year for studies and my head and my heart were telling me different things! She goes away and while away tries to persuade me to visit. I declined politely cos I had my own studies and it felt to soon for such a step. Anyway about halfway through the year she asks if I would mind if her ex went to visit. I said it would bother me which I think is kinda obvious so she said she would just tell him not to bother. That made me feel a bit controlling but hey needed to be honest. Anyway a month later she says hes gonna visit but he's coming with a friend and they wouldnt be sharing a room so I had nothing to worry bout. Considering I hadnt been with her long enough I disagreed and told her that it really bothered me. Our relationship broke down. At that point I think I shoulda moved on, I didnt. Just before she was due back she got in contact and a salvage job looked likely. Unfortunately when she got back she told me she was gonna be sharing a bed with her ex again as she had nowhere else to stay but would be looking to find a new place asap and she did. Things looked better again. Then her ex had an accident and injured himself pretty bad. As a result she took the next flight to his family home and stayed with him for what felt like ages! I know it will seem like a joke that Im still interested at this point. Sometimes you just like someone that much that you dont think. Anyway she came back and was staying in her own place. She agreed it was time to move on and focus on the future. So we got together and things were great. And then after about half a year she started mentioning her ex again just casually in chat. And she has continually kept in touch but quietly. She will occasionally go to see him and whenever she does she tells me after but flippantly as if its of absolutely no concern. I think what really gets me is the blatant disregard that it hurts me every time she does and she knows this. The other day she went out for the evening with him and his dad for something to eat. It made me feel about as important as the fly on the wall. She never attempts to bond with my family :-( Her confidence comes from the fact that she is honest and trustworthy and wouldnt cheat you will have to believe me there but she is an honesty rock. It just makes me feel crap. Another example occured last night/this morning. She went out for drinks with a guy friend of hers that I know. That is fine with me but then she went back to his for a catchup and a smoke. At 5 in the morning she texts me to say sorry didnt see your message i was out for drinks with andy and then went back to his for a smoke and a catchup. Once again I feel like a fly on the wall. Outta principle I would never do any of the above to her because it causes tension. I told her that out of respect for her I wouldnt be going back to any girls house till that kind of time after drinks. She tells me I'm being unreasonable and that my response has nothing to do with her but it is my insecurities. I told her maybe partially but I think she plays that. I then told her that I needed to go see her asap as I have something to get off my chest. Problem is im not sure what to say. I kind of want to break up with her because im tired of feeling insecure when I dont know if its because Im jealous or because she makes me. Its driving me crazy. I would like to stress that these guys are good friends of hers and she is remarkably honest and trustworthy and in that sense I do worry to much. My issue is her blatant disregard for my thoughts and feelings which I have told her on previous occasions :-( Any thoughts? Would be very much appreciated as I have to get a different perspective on this...

[Jackxxx]

Fellow human, unfortunately you are in Love. Philosophy brilliantly defines love as a "transitory state of imbecility". As we have brilliantly have stated before the devastating consequences of humans being emotional, and guiding their lives with emotions instead of reason, being in "love", is even worst in terms of steady harmonic existence in this dimension of time and space. In order to make a smooth transition into reason, you will have to turn off the love switch, and be just her partner. As a female being, she will perceive this, and will ask. Then, you rationally explain the motive of the "change". It will take the relation in two different possible ways. She will either "feel" who you are for her, and will come back to you, trying to get your attention and gain your love. Or, she will remain with the same attitude, which pretty much tells you is time to walk away and enjoy with as many females as you can.

[Knuckle Up]

Wouldnt you wanna be happy in a relationship??.. Im saying theres "red flags" all over her actions that should tell you she aint ready to settle down. And if your willing to believe and have trust in her while shes sleeping wit her ex in the same bed, I tell you right now its best for you to move on, Cuz you sound like too much of a good dude and shes taking advantage of it. And 5 in the mornin aint no time to "chill and catchup" just sound weird to me... To be real she sounds like a real manuplitive type person...

[Knuckle Up]

Fellow human, unfortunately you are in Love. Philosophy brilliantly defines love as a "transitory state of imbecility". As we have brilliantly have stated before the devastating consequences of humans being emotional, and guiding their lives with emotions instead of reason, being in "love", is even worst in terms of steady harmonic existence in this dimension of time and space. In order to make a smooth transition into reason, you will have to turn off the love switch, and be just her partner. As a female being, she will perceive this, and will ask. Then, you rationally explain the motive of the "change". It will take the relation in two different possible ways. She will either "feel" who you are for her, and will come back to you, trying to get your attention and gain your love. Or, she will remain with the same attitude, which pretty much tells you is time to walk away and enjoy with as many females as you can.

Soo Poetically Intriguing!!! haha....

[Blobsta]

Thank you very much for your responses so far Jack and Knuckle up I think both of you have said some helpful things. Jack you are right in saying that there are red flags. Id like to point out though that she no longer stays with her ex. It was right at the beginning of the relationship before it had taken off properly. The problem was that she made her move on me before properly sorting out her previous relationship which I did not know. Bummer. Anyway she was not staying with him for long but when she brings him up now I wince because its clear they are still close. They talk about life matters, family, she proof read his dissertation and it kinda sucks for me because I was of the impression she was wanting move away for the sake of our relationship. There is a fine line between her being insensitive and me being jealous but I think the difference is I will admit Im a bit insecure about it whereas shell be certain that she has done no harm and Im just being an ass. I dont like feeling like an ass because its just not me. I dont mean to be. And knuckle up thanks for your thoughtful words. You are right I am in love and definitely in the transitory state of imbecility! Thats why Im gonna tread carefully. You are right about turning off the love switch and I have tried. Unfortunately she'll percieve that as me sulking and being immature and over-reacting. That was her first response when I text back to her without affection and told her to get to her bed. Is it logical to break up with someone that you truly love because you just cant seem to be able to make that common breakthrough?

[Andy]

Yea I agree, it doesn't seem to me either that she's ready for a serious relationship with you. The fact that she constantly disregards your feelings and continues to do things she knows will upset you tells you that she doesn't love you the same and she isn't taking you seriously. For that reason alone I would end it.

All this about her ex really sounds like she'd rather be with him. And the fact that she's all chummy with his family but can't be bothered with yours? Again, another red flag.

I hate to say it my friend. I think it's time you moved on, I know it's hard. I think you atleast need to make a stand and say to her you're going to end things if she carries on this way. At the moment she probably feels like she can do whatever she wants and you'll accept it. I think she needs to realise that you have feelings and you have enough respect for yourself than to just let her trample all over that.

I really wish you good luck with this buddy.

[ErictheGed]

Blobsta in a way i'm glad i read this, cos now i know i'm not the only one crazy enough to be with a girl who still lived with her ex! As you say, theres no blueprint to guide feelings, it just happens. An ex of mine split with her ex, we started going out, i thought she'd have her own place in about 2 weeks, well it went on for months. She couldn't get housing. They even had a kid together! I was blinded man, totally stupid. They hated each other and had separate rooms, but it was too much weight on my head, even though i knew they were finished, it drove me mad.

All i can say is, if you two started going while she was still living with him, it was FAR TOO SOON for her to be thinking of another guy. This is why she enjoys going out with various guys, shes experiencing life after the ex, and its too soon for you to be serious about her. I urge you strongly to pull the plug on this relstionship mate, shes not as into it as you. It was convenient for her at first, as she was dealing with a break-up, but both of you have different ideas on where this relationship should go. Its over man, go out and find a nice girl with no ties to some ex and his family.

All the best my man.

[Blobsta]

Well guys an update is due! Thanks for your input Andy I think we are thinking alike on this one. Anyway I went to hers to speak to her as all you can really do in these situations is talk about it straight up. Well anyway that did not work out so well for me complete waste of time! I apologised for being uptight about the situation but tried to explain how much it frustrates me that she can be so close with other guys and that in my mind going to some guys house after drinks till 5 in the morning is just too much for me. She gave me that awful frown/eye roll as if it was ridiculous. Just to ensure that point she then says, "thats ridiculous". "We are just friends". To test the water I then asked if she thinks my insecurities are the only issue here. "Yes" was the answer :-( And when I said that I feel kinda the same when she goes out with her ex to do stuff and when shes with the exs family she told me "maintaining relationships with my exs is important to me." Sounds like some kinda skewed mission statement to me but hey. By this point things were looking pretty bad! Final attempt to gain some recognition as a boyfriend... I ask feebly, "do you even see were im coming from a little bit?" She did and it was stupid and unfounded apparently. Then something magic happened, I found my balls alongside my sense of self worth and cut it off! I told her I didnt wanna be with her and didnt wanna keep in contact. Three years Ive been dedicating my time to this girl! Her worries, her depression, her exs problems. Listening to the things shes done, the things she wants to do etc etc. Whats kinda worrying is that you can stay in a relationship thinking things are good and then BAM! Moment of realisation I could be with someone who actually takes an interest in me if I do something bout this! I just got a text telling me how horrible I was this morning, :s Wtf? Some people are just blind! Anway onwards and upwards from here! Will not be sending anymore texts to that girl! Im gonna dedicate my next few days to trying to find a sense of direction. Methinks Im gonna start some serious PE to give me focus and when the next girl comes along (Ill choose more carefully this time) Ill hopefully be able to please her like shes never been pleased before! Damn I love girls of all shapes and sizes I cant wait to get out there again! Thanks a lot you guys youve been a real help I appreciate every word! This forum is great people are awesome here so much love and respect! Peace

[Blobsta]

Cheers Eric just read your message! I think your right but I also think shes the need-to-be in a relationship at all times type! I dont get it... Low self esteem? Likes to be in control? I dunno and dont care I left her baggage where it belongs! In her head not mine! A few hours later and things seem clearer. I dont get what it is that leaves people chasing lost causes like her but I was blind! Mad blind :s not any more I intend to follow the sound advice you gave at the end there! Now your my ex girl im on with the next girl and all that. Might give it a coupla weeks mayb not really the one for quick rebounds wouldnt wanna step out of one pickle into the next! I might just spend my time doing my best to help others on this forum in similiar situations as I have been! thanks again

[vulcan]

Congratulations Blobsta,

You must feel like the guy at the end of the Shawshank Redemption, where he finally gets to the end of the tunnel & is free.

I re-read your original post to check for signs that she could be being reasonable, but there were none. She was (as they say in my Country) 'taking the piss'.

I suggest you cut out all potential avenues for communication with this woman, have complete faith that you have made the right decision - because you have & proceed with your plans to enjoy life.