You cannot live on a beach forever

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

Hi Everyone. I am once again separated from my boyfriend. I am now home. In the past I have really gotten depressed when separated. Since the whole thing when I lost my temper I have got my head straightened out. Now, I have only been home a few days, but I am trying to look at this thing as taking a vacation. You cannot live on a beach forever (most cannot) and you have to go home. I have also learned a few other things. I have gone to see this guy for 2 1/2 days, a week, 2 weeks and lastly a whole month. Now I do not stay at his place, I stay with family (except for the one that was 2 1/2 days). This last trip for a month I thought I would see him a lot. I didn't. Total let down. That was partly what made me blow up. He seems to see me more often for sex if I am there for 1-10 days. This has brought me to the final conclusion that moving there would be a bad idea. I would probably see him less. We might even grow tired of this thing sooner if saw each other all the time.. So, I am going to look at our sex as merely a vacation. I know I will go on vacation again and enjoy it. As I said, I have got my head straight now. This is not a relationship getting deeper. It is just sex and I know this. I lost it a little there when it looked like he maybe wanted to go deeper but he doesn't. We know this now.

So far, my looking at it as just a vacation has helped me. I am pretty proud of myself. I have been thinking reasonably about things and have found a healthier way to look at it. This type of thing has always been a struggle for me. I would miss people horribly and be a wreck. Progress is good!

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Well maybe you're just growing up a bit more.That's what life is all about. The more you learn the less you know; keep learning and your life will turn out like you want it to just give it time!

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

It can be very hard to keep things in perspective in a long-distance relationship. This is especially true when you don't get the time together that you want and expect because of limits that the other person places on your time together. Intended or not, when you are visiting his town and he chooses to spend time with other activities instead of with you, it can feel like a put-down. I am sure he has lots of good reasons why he cannot/did not spend much time with you on this trip and others -- but the bottom line is that he is making his choices, and you have to live with them. Given everything you've said, I agree that viewing your visits to him like a vacation is probably a good thing. Anything you can do for yourself to help stay on an even keel and not feel lonesome or depressed is a step in the right direction! Try to focus on the the good stuff, and be strong.

Are you dating anyone, Misty? Or is he the only guy in your life right now? I ask because you talk about him as your boyfriend, yet see him only for sex.... which makes me wonder if you have anyone in your life who gives you emotional support. Do you?

[Pirate Retired AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Pirate]

Welcome home, Misty.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

Intended or not, when you are visiting his town and he chooses to spend time with other activities instead of with you, it can feel like a put-down. I am sure he has lots of good reasons why he cannot/did not spend much time with you on this trip and others -- but the bottom line is that he is making his choices, and you have to live with them.

Are you dating anyone, Misty? Or is he the only guy in your life right now? I ask because you talk about him as your boyfriend, yet see him only for sex.... which makes me wonder if you have anyone in your life who gives you emotional support. Do you?

I mainly go to see him but am still with family. I take my time and money to go there and when he doesn't see me it is upsetting. He use to make dates with me and then cancel. OMG it was awful. I finally told him I cannot take the cancelling that I took it very personally. He at least stopped doing that. Sometimes he might say give me another hour. I can cope with that so long as he follows through. I see him as making all the decisions in this "relationship". It is a little difficult to take because I am dominant and use to being in that position.

I do have emotional support Batwoman. I live with 2 men, half the year with 3. Yes, I lead an unusual life. All 3 of them love me and are my best friends. They are very supportive. One of the men I have sex with here and there. Technically the guy I am sleeping with in the other state is not a "boyfriend" but I don't know what else to call him. I just make it clear we only have sex to anyone I tell.

Another little thing I'd like to share is something my "boyfriend" said to me. I texted him a picture of my favorite vibrator that he and I use in sex. He said he loved that vibe. I asked him why. He said because "I like it when you feel good". I thought that was sweet and told him so. Then he said,"he likes how I can cum and cum and cum".

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

Well, to be candid, what you have sounds like meets your needs..... but still, I can't help but think that it must make you lonely to have your "boyfriend" for sex only. Yes, sex is wonderful (and I have missed it a lot the times I have been without) but I find that sex can be amazingly better with someone you both love and lust for at the same time. Have you given up on that ideal?

I know very well that life does not always deliver up the men you want or the relationships you want in any kind of convenient way.... to stay sane, we have to make the best of what we have, regardless of how hard or unconventional it may be. Still.... is there anyone else on your horizon? I find it really hard to believe that your sexual relationship, as fun as it may be, is something that is going last and keep you satisfied over the years. For now, yes -- a vacation treat -- but if it was me, I would want more. From him, maybe.... or from someone else.

However, that said, I am not for a minute suggesting that you should give him up if you are enjoying him. It sounds like you have a remarkable sexual chemistry, and that is a very valuable thing. Are you really sure that neither of you wants a deeper emotional connection? Some of what you have said, and what he's said to you, makes it sound like both of you are putting up walls to protect yourselves from imagined hurt, when in fact you might want to be closer.

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

Well maybe you're just growing up a bit more.That's what life is all about. The more you learn the less you know; keep learning and your life will turn out like you want it to just give it time!

I know I did this week. Life is a dance, you learn as you go..........

You can do it Misty.......stay strong. We're all here for you.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

However, that said, I am not for a minute suggesting that you should give him up if you are enjoying him. It sounds like you have a remarkable sexual chemistry, and that is a very valuable thing. Are you really sure that neither of you wants a deeper emotional connection? Some of what you have said, and what he's said to you, makes it sound like both of you are putting up walls to protect yourselves from imagined hurt, when in fact you might want to be closer.

I know I am putting up a wall. I doubt he is. I know he and I would never make it in a real relationship. Back in my early 20's I would have thought I was in love with him. I've grown up, gained more experience, and know what a real sustainable relationship takes. It does suck having this great sex that I do not consider meaningless, but not being able to make it into a real relationship.

Remember on another thread testing was talked about? I have been thinking about doing a test. I would like to merely see his reaction because I don't actually mean it. While having sex I would like to whisper in his ear I love you. I think it could bring an end to my sex so I won't do it. I have told him in bed (and out) that I love having sex with him. He said it back to me at the time.

PS. Just to give some background he and I grew up together. He lived across the street from me. He has told me that he does love me for our long friendship. I was the first friend he made he moved into my home town. What is kinda funny is he now owns the house he grew up in. My parents no longer own the house across the street. We are having sex in the house he grew up in. I was in that house as a kid and now as an adult having sex with the kid I grew up with.

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

Ummm....so why are you so confident that he doesn't want a real relationship of some kind?
I keep wondering if he is emotionally holding back because of his ED, because maybe he doesn't think he is good enough somehow.

I have had "friends with benefits" relationships before that were largely about just enjoying good sex together, but they also had more than that. Maybe not a romantic relationship, but at least a strong "friends" component that at least meant that we enjoyed some time together out of bed, too. I find it very hard to imagine having a relationship that consists of hot sex and absolutely nothing more. However did you fall into such a pattern?

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

Ummm....so why are you so confident that he doesn't want a real relationship of some kind?
I keep wondering if he is emotionally holding back because of his ED, because maybe he doesn't think he is good enough somehow.

However did you fall into such a pattern?

Batwoman,

You are very nice. He does not want a relationship with me. I really don't even want one with him. I cannot stand to watch TV with the guy! He is unreliable. His passive aggressive ways I cannot deal with on a regular basis. He doesn't communicate. He would not be able to handle me.
I don't think I have fallen into a pattern. I am really quite proud of myself keeping this as sex only.

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

If that's what you want, go for it. Women should be able to have sex for pleasure only if they want to -- it is all about personal choice, at least in my book.

As for patterns, what I meant was the pattern of your relationship with him, which does seem to have a pattern (i.e., sex only and no overnights, etc.). I wasn't talking about relationships in general.