Pulling out my hair! Very upset and in need of help.

**GTO** · 02-25-2011

Originally Posted by mistydawn

So my plans are ruined!

So, in order not to give him the message that he cannot just have me when HE wants I have to deny myself what I want! I am pulling out my hair. I am very upset about this.

Yeh, I thought you'd found the answer too Misty. But you have managed to really miss the point again. That quote is classic - You HAVE been business. You schedule sex on a Day Planner: ("I want to see you 3 times for sex") ... ("I am coming down on this day and want to have sex then") ... (I don't want to spend time him, I just want sex"). And you want to get upset cause he ruined your plans and doesn't want to have sex? Did you for once stop to consider HIS side? I've said it before and it's worth saying again - all men just don't simply want sex all the damn time! LOL!

I'm quite sure there have been instances where he did but you didn't want to, right? But, I forgot, this is all about you. Having a FWB doesn't mean just having a cock or pussy in your pocket to take out whenever it suits you. Regardless of whether or not you may want to acknowledge it, the other party has feelings.

**phil88** · 02-25-2011

hey

another fight for control

He wants more pictures because its you giving yourself to him. which is what he wants, not the pictures, but what it means. he wants you. he has always wanted you. honestly your probably tearing him apart, and if its nothing but sex for you then you should quit this and just end it. He wants more, he has always wanted more.

also the ed thing. Men who have ed cannot have sex on command, the added pressure would make it nearly impossible......

instead of asking for help, you should be asking why he is the way he is. then you could help yourself

**mistydawn** · 02-25-2011

Originally Posted by TittyTittyBangBang

i personally think he wants you to want to spend time with him without sex and he is wounded that you only seem to want to spend time with him if sex is provided.. i think that is part of the reason he is getting a little unwilling to commit to the sex guarantee..
It was pre-scheduled in the sense that you had a set time frame and within the time frame he had to provide you with sex three times as guaranteed.
I really do think he has feelings that are not being acknowledged..The two of you aren't on the same page about what you want from each other.. It is about communication..Its also about listening to the other person.. He might not be directly telling you what he wants but he is dropping hints or reacting in ways that indicate that what you want is not what he wants.. I personally think he has been accommodating your needs and wants at the expense of his own.
Maybe you need to approach it that every second time you see him you do it his way .. What would suit his needs..He did it your way the last time(for all you know he wanted it more then three times last time ..but because you had negotiated three times he stuck to that )
Are you are angry and hurt because he won't give you what you want?? that he is expressing what he wants? or That what you are asking for doesn't suit him this time?

I will not deny I pretty much spend time with him if sex is going to be provided. I have tried to spend more time out of bed with him. Lord knows I have tried to communicate with him. Last night was the second time I said things to me about our relationship. One thing I found out is that he doesn't like to hurt me and it upsets him when I am hurt. He was talking about when he says no to sex. I did get the feeling that he feels he has really accommodate my feelings through not flaking on me. I see that as simply not being rude, not a big put out, but I guess it is for him. The last time, when he agreed to the 3x, he saw me 4 x but that was only because he was unable to ejaculate the 3rd time. I am always sure to express to him my appreciation for things he does, like seeing me that 4th time (I called it a bonus). I do agree that he is telling me things by the way he reacts, not by mouth. I really need by mouth. I do not catch on quickly (if ever) to non-verbal cues. Here againTitty, I told him to just tell me things straight out and he told me he hates it when I say that to him, so I stopped. I am trying to figure out exactly why I am so hurt and angry.I think it is just that I was really looking forward to 3x of sex on this visit and I found out that was not the case. I was really happy and all excited. I do not mind him expressing that this arrangement didn't work for him, I am actually glad he verbalized it. From what I understand, this 3x agreement is off the table forever so that has EVERY trip destroyed. So my disappointment is not just this trip...it is every one! I realize now that is why I am rocked. I am not just upset over this ONE trip.

PS. Please don't pummel me for this...when we went over to see his mother he told her I was not a friend with him on Facebook and I unliked him 2x. His mom looked at me, I looked at her, I looked at him and I said nothing. I did unlike him 2x because it was painful to see his stuff on my newsfeed all the time. I did tell him this quite some time ago. I was embarrassed when he told his mom but I was not going to get into why I unliked him to his mother. I still have not accepted him as a friend to this day.

**phil88** · 02-25-2011

yeah you really need to give up your attempt to control the situation if you wanna find any happiness at all.

**TINKERBELL** · 02-25-2011

oh i won't pummel you for the facebook thing .. i have done it to someone i care about ( twice ) because fear took over and the daily reminders were hurting..i didn't think he would care when i did it ... i was wrong and i believe it wounded him and it upset him .... i suspect that is also how your friend is feeling about it.

Most of what you say about your friend has the word sex attached to him.. you don't seem to see him a whole person .. you seem to see him as an orgasm maker... his saying that to his mom is his way of saying to you .. he doesn't feel like you view him as a friend.
and by removing him you sent him a mixed signal .. why does it bother you to see his updates when he is just your fuck buddy?

I told him to just tell me things straight out and he told me he hates it when I say that to him, so I stopped.

you need to guide it out of him not command it out of him...

You are assuming that its set in stone that he doesn't want sex three times and it will never happen that way again .. when really he is just saying he doesn't want to negotiate sex like a business deal, he wants you to come visit him and to enjoy your company for you to enjoy his sex is part of the deal but it is not set in stone.... at first when you started hooking up it wasn't set in stone or expected it was a natural occurrence.. you have removed some of the fun of the situation by contracting the amount of sex and by putting pressure on him to preform to satisfy you... he wants you to view him as a whole person not just as the thing you use to get off and to achieve orgasms.

**mistydawn** · 02-25-2011

All of you are great. Some stuff was hard to hear but I want the truth. After reading Phil88 and Gettinthereok's response there was a part of this conversation I had with him that I didn't think mattered until I read your posts. He wants to have anal sex. I told him no. He said like 2x that I need to "trust him". I told him I thought he didn't enjoy anal sex (he said that in the past) and he said "Your right I'm sure I wouldn't like it. You should trust me". So, now I think this is a test. I think he wants more from me.

Yes, I do consider his side. He doesn't want to commit to 3 sex encounters because if he cannot follow through he knows I am hurt. This told me that he does care about my feelings. It also has to do with his stomach than his ED. But once again he won't say what is wrong with his stomach. He obviously has some stomach problem, I know this, if he explained it I could maybe have more understanding about it. I'll be honest (please don't beat me) I see it as an excuse. It is kinda hard to consider his feelings when he doesn't express them...but from what TTBB said, they are being expressed non-verbally.

Erictheged..."Also, never ask him if he enjoys sex with you. That will end up turning him right off!"

When he says no to sex I don't think it is crazy to ask if he doesn't enjoy it. I don't see why it is a turn off...could you please elaborate?

**phil88** · 02-25-2011

Him wanting anal says a few things to me. One, he may be looking for something tighter because he suffers from iron grip syndrome(nothing can be done about it unless he quits masturbating, which i think has been covered over the course of this relationship). Or two you are right and he is testing you to see how far you will go for his happiness, and how important that is to you(the pictures thing sort of again). Those are only two logical reasons I can think of. He could always just like anal though lol....

Being asked why I did not want to have sex would cause me extreme anxiety lol. I do not know if I could give you a logical explanation of the feelings behind that and their motivators, but if I was with a girl and she wanted to have sex, already the pressure is there, as a guy it is my job to perform. Asking why I do not or if i enjoy it or not just points to negative things. In a guys mind I dont think we hear why not? or what dont you enjoy? I think what we hear is "What is wrong with you?"

**mistydawn** · 02-25-2011

Originally Posted by TittyTittyBangBang

oh i won't pummel you for the facebook thing .. i have done it to someone i care about ( twice ) because fear took over and the daily reminders were hurting..i didn't think he would care when i did it ... i was wrong and i believe it wounded him and it upset him .... i suspect that is also how your friend is feeling about it.

Most of what you say about your friend has the word sex attached to him.. you don't seem to see him a whole person .. you seem to see him as an orgasm maker... his saying that to his mom is his way of saying to you .. he doesn't feel like you view him as a friend.
and by removing him you sent him a mixed signal .. why does it bother you to see his updates when he is just your fuck buddy?

you need to guide it out of him not command it out of him...

You are assuming that its set in stone that he doesn't want sex three times and it will never happen that way again .. when really he is just saying he doesn't want to negotiate sex like a business deal, he wants you to come visit him and to enjoy your company for you to enjoy his sex is part of the deal but it is not set in stone.... at first when you started hooking up it wasn't set in stone or expected it was a natural occurrence.. you have removed some of the fun of the situation by contracting the amount of sex and by putting pressure on him to preform to satisfy you... he wants you to view him as a whole person not just as the thing you use to get off and to achieve orgasms.

Titty, I have no doubt that you are correct. I just feel I should not waste time and money going there for 1 sexual encounter and maybe more if he feels like it. I am going to see himnot really my family, does that not show him that I do this for him, to be with him? I go to see him and visit my family!

**TINKERBELL** · 02-25-2011

you go not to see him ..you go to have him give you sexual pleasure. there is a difference in my books...sorry
and it does seem to be the core problem here.
he wants you to want to visit him .. not just his cock, tongue and toys.

**mistydawn** · 02-25-2011

Originally Posted by phil88

Him wanting anal says a few things to me. One, he may be looking for something tighter because he suffers from iron grip syndrome(nothing can be done about it unless he quits masturbating, which i think has been covered over the course of this relationship). Or two you are right and he is testing you to see how far you will go for his happiness, and how important that is to you(the pictures thing sort of again). Those are only two logical reasons I can think of. He could always just like anal though lol....

Being asked why I did not want to have sex would cause me extreme anxiety lol. I do not know if I could give you a logical explanation of the feelings behind that and their motivators, but if I was with a girl and she wanted to have sex, already the pressure is there, as a guy it is my job to perform. Asking why I do not or if i enjoy it or not just points to negative things. In a guys mind I dont think we hear why not? or what dont you enjoy? I think what we hear is "What is wrong with you?"

He says my pussy is 'strong' and grips him, so I don't think it is about tightness.

In a guys mind I dont think we hear why not? or what dont you enjoy? I think what we hear is "What is wrong with you?"

Now this was enlightening! Never crossed my mind.