Pulling out my hair! Very upset and in need of help.

[mistydawn]

I sent that last pm before reading these last few posts. You realize he probably feels the exact same way. The difference is he will reject you as soon as he senses it because its a defense mechanism....This really is a fight for control though. You both gotta let the other person in and quit trying to be the one that comes out on top.

Are you thinking your not going out there will have any affect on his behavior? If so, like I said you had better come up with a damn good, unbelievably rock solid reason, or it will go very badly... and you will definitely not get the outcome your looking for.

No, I do not think it will affect his behavior. My not going is not punishment, vengeance or anything like that. I do not want to spend all the time driving there and the money. What is worse than that is the waiting everyday to see if he will invite me over! That totally sucks.

This may very well be about control. My side of it is I want to control the upsetment. When he agreed to the 3 times I felt a lot better. I have no idea why he seeks control. I do believe him when he says he doesn't want to promise anything because he knows how it hurts me when he doesn't follow through. I do believe he genuinely cares about my feelings. He is not trying to be a prick.

[GTO]

No, I do not think it will affect his behavior. My not going is not punishment, vengeance or anything like that. I do not want to spend all the time driving there and the money. What is worse than that is the waiting everyday to see if he will invite me over! That totally sucks.

This may very well be about control. My side of it is I want to control the upsetment. When he agreed to the 3 times I felt a lot better. I have no idea why he seeks control. I do believe him when he says he doesn't want to promise anything because he knows how it hurts me when he doesn't follow through. I do believe he genuinely cares about my feelings. He is not trying to be a prick.

Wow ... everything I have read from you sounds like it's all about brokering a deal for dick. If the distance is such a big deal to you, and the sex count and orgasm count is such high priorities over everythig else, why continue doing this? Why not take phil's advice (did I just say that??) and find someone closer to home? Your expectations are obviously not being met (you only want to consider your side in all of this and hey, that's cool), it seems (and we only have your side of the story) that he wants more and you are not willing or incapable of pursuing it, and it's frustrating the both of you. Just find a cock closer to home that has the same mindset as you (simply fucking and no more), get your 3x a week or whatever it is you want, and kick it with your friend if it moves or suits you.

Problem solved.

[somebodyelse]

misty, it seems that the concept of brokering and negotiating getting your pussy filled is not something most guys would feel comfortable with. It seems only harsh/vulgar terminology and language will let this fact sink in!

You seem to not understand bartering and negotiating sex is NOT something people want. You know what... what if he said, "Alright. I'll pay you 50 bucks per hour for every session over three times?" Would you take the money? That would make you a whore in my book. Right now, bartering with him and negotiating a set amount is, to me, making him seem like your whore. Who wants to be considered a whore? Surly not you, and i'm quite sure not him.

[DemOne]

It seems to me that you're very much overlooking the main issue in this situation, and that is you. It seems that you're so dead bent on it being something with him, he, and his, but the depth of what you're saying is all me, me, and ME!

Real life isn't like a porn movie. You cannot contract that sex must happen x amount of times, orgasms must happen x amount of times, etc. Driving that far is a waste of time and money if he wont invite you over for sex? Here's a simple solution to that, stop driving there and find someone else.

Chances are good you'll be able to find someone willing to meet your sex demands, but it's quite clear your current partner does not want to be your sex slave.

[kport1]

wow,,,i feel that you have taking the fun, pleasure, seduction and the excitement out of the entire courtship of sex and making love with the one you want most,,you are a very demanding women ya know and a bit one minded..the building of desire is non exsistant,,the allure is gone,,,you have made it a chore,the bedroom is boring and has become a job to him,i really am one to not expect ,,just let it happen,,,seduce your partner ,,make it exciting,make him desire you,,you might find that once is enough to last you a week,,,its about building passion and desire,,,quality not quantity,,,i am blown away by you,,,sorry but i think your going about this in a ,,,never mind,,,sorry,,,i think you need to take a step back,,rethink what will make him want you more, bring the whole experience back into your relationship

[GTO]

wow,,,i feel that you have taking the fun, pleasure, seduction and the excitement out of the entire courtship of sex and making love with the one you want most,,you are a very demanding women ya know and a bit one minded..the building of desire is non exsistant,,the allure is gone,,,you have made it a chore,the bedroom is boring and has become a job to him,i really am one to not expect ,,just let it happen,,,seduce your partner ,,make it exciting,make him desire you,,you might find that once is enough to last you a week,,,its about building passion and desire,,,quality not quantity,,,i am blown away by you,,,sorry but i think your going about this in a ,,,never mind,,,sorry,,,i think you need to take a step back,,rethink what will make him want you more, bring the whole experience back into your relationship

That's the thing kport1 - this isn't supposed to be that type of relationship at all (the one you are describing). It's supposed to be a FWB (friends with benefits) situation. The thing about those is that you have to accept what the other person decides to give - it isn't a one sided relationship and it's not one that's supposed to be devoid of feelings, but they are there. There's no real intimacy in a FWB - just the simple act of sex. The problem is that over time, one person decides they want something more and the other person may or may not want that. In that case, if the non-committing person doesn't want to take it further, either the one that does has to acquiesce or they need to go their separate ways and find parties that are willing to engage in and have the same mindset of just being "fuck-buddies."

My question about this whole thing: "Is having an FWB even worth it?"

[somebodyelse]

My question about this whole thing: "Is having an FWB even worth it?"

The long and short answer? not at all.

[kport1]

ohhhhh lol,,,sorry i get it, excuse my ignorance,,i just wouldnt get involved with that sortta thing is all,i am one who needs far more than just a fuck, if thats all it is to her than what is she waiting for,,,find a suitable ride in her own town,,,why the stress, its obviously not working for him,,,the solution is quite simple really..

[spanky]

My question about this whole thing: "Is having an FWB even worth it?"

The long and short answer? not at all.

I say it is.. but you do have to have the right boundaries. the key word is friends, right? It's just another type of relationship. If it's not mutually agreeable and you're not on the same page with it, you need to communicate properly and either get on the same page or move on, exactly as with an exclusive relationship. The problems start when you both start to want different things from it and you can't find a compromise.

I haven't exactly got a diary filled with FWBs so take what I say with a pinch of salt, but it just seems like common sense to me, the other guy is still a guy with feelings and emotions after all. Personally I'm not ready for a commitment or exclusivity right now, but I still can't help feeling close to people I sleep with. It's a conflicting emotion I have to wrestle with but on balance I value my freedom more right now. Ultimately I have to take responsibility for my decisions, and if that hurts, that was my decision.

It sounds to me like you need to take stock of precisely what you want from this guy misty, and if you know it's not the same as he expects or wants you need to tell him that rather than expect things to magically happen to your liking. That never works.

edit: Question - if you stopped having sex with this guy tomorrow, could you still be friends?

Good luck x

[TINKERBELL]

Misty going from the passionate responses you have created amongst the male members here .. i would say that they are a good indication of what you friend is feeling...

I truly believe he has feelings for you and wants more then what you have now...throughout the relationship. you kept putting your fears onto him, not just through words but through your actions ...You say you feel he views you just as an option.. but i believe you made him make you an option because you were set on the idea that he didn't want more, which is really your feelings being put on to him .. He has a soft spot for you because of your history.. I suspect he views you as a friend first then a sex thing... he has indicated through out the "relationship" that he wanted to hang with you outside of sex.. You have indicated here you find it boring to hang with him without the sex or not worth your while to do it, because he isn't the life of the party type.. but if he was a true friend then hanging doing nothing much would still be enjoyable...i think its all just your fear, your fear of caring for him that has you tripping yourself up.. and at this point .. as a guess i would say he has started to lose respect for you because of the way you treat him....You transferred your fears onto him saying " he doesn't want a relationship" and you have slowly reduced him from being a friend to a sex toy... and that is not what he signed up to be when he first started sleeping with you.. he started sleeping with you because he has feelings and a history with you.

If you don't go see him ..things will only get worse..In a way you owe it too him to go down regardless of sex being on the table.. You owe it to the friendship he has given you over the years... if sex happens great ..if it doesn't then you know that the tide has turned and he has hit his limit with being your toy.... but at least if you go, you can deal with the situation face to face and you can get closure or you can mend the situation by respecting him as a whole person not just a sex object
You might not think you are punishing him by saying you arent' going if you can't get it three times but it is sending a very very clear message...and its not a pretty message.

Yes you are upset by the situation .. but i would say its your ego more then your heart that is hurting...i suspect its your friends heart more then his ego that is hurting and he is hurting... a lot of hurt happening